Thursday, August 31, 2006

Go Shorty...It's Your Birthday

This Virgo is 46 years old today, so what do the stars tell us about him.


"The universe is really rocking and rolling right now. The fun and games begin very early as the Moon enters exuberant and enthusiastic Sagittarius (12:02AM PDT). Less than one hour later, Vesta in Virgo opposes Uranus in Pisces (12:55AM PDT). If you are feeling worried about a loved one's safety and security, join the club. This is amplified enormously by the long-awaited Saturn-Neptune polarity from Leo to Aquarius (2:56AM PDT). This sky pattern will form again on February 28 and June 25, 2007. Steer clear of anyone or anything that brings confusion, chaos, fogginess and nebulosity into your life. Saturn-Neptune oppositions only occur every 35 years and many people experience a potent tug of war between the material (Saturn) and spiritual (Neptune) realms of life. Unless you are very wise and sensible, there is a great tendency to be unrealistic right now. Try to be the Rock of Gibraltar to dear ones on the ropes. Help the downtrodden and disenfranchised to the best of your ability. Learn more about meditation and yoga. Explore the fine and graphic arts to your heart's content. Challenges may also manifest around the time of the First Quarter Sun-Moon Phase (3:58PM PDT) - activating 9 degrees of Virgo and Sagittarius. Cut through obstacles in your path with mental clarity and emotional calm. Your mental universe is abuzz during the Sun-Mercury Superior Conjunction (9:50PM PDT) at 9 degrees of Virgo. You can think of this as a ""Full Mercury"" - with the Earth, Sun and Mercury lined up in the solar system, and Mercury on the far side of the Sun, but moving at top speed. Ingenious ideas flash through your mind like meteors lighting up the night sky. Research, reading and writing receive the thumb's-up sign."

...and all this time I though that the activation of 9 degrees of Virgo and Sagittarius only manifested itself in the Second Quarter of Sun-Moon Phase. Also in case you're confused, PDT is 10 hours behind Beirut Time.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Hal Balad

"Hal Balad" is the most bitched about thing around here. This expression is always used in a culpatory tone. Whenever you need to highlight a flaw in this country, and we have a handful of those around, you blame it all on "Hal Balad."

You cant' find a job in "Hal Balad."...People in "Hal Balad" are full of crap..."Hal Balad" is all about corruption...The humidity in "Hal Balad" is unbearable...

I hate thee people that use this expression. Not because of your incessant whining, nor because of your criticism of my beloved country, but for the helpless guilt free victim image that you have of yourself.

"Hal Balad" is nothing but a reflection of your sorry ass. You pass your sense of irresponsibility to those you empower to roam free with no worry of accountability.

Then there are those who romanticize "Hal Balad" and fantacize about"Hal Balad" from afar. Sure you all love "Hal Balad", the summer vacation one night stand kind of love, that is why you abandon it at the drop of a Dirham. "Hal Balad" is not your Balad. Your "Hal Balad" is a farce.

"Hal Balad" today is bleeding, almost dead. I say we finish it off and bury it deep. Let's build our Lebanon instead.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Crashing Back into Normalcy

I live off one of the most traffic accident prone intersections in Beirut. The traffic congestion in the area prevents high speed driving and thus limits injuries caused by these crashes. But the vocal blame fights between the drivers after such incidents have been known to puncture a few ear drums.

Last night was no different. A speeding tinted windows Mercedes slammed into an arrogantly-strutting-its-trunk-in-the-middle-of-the-street Peugeot. The druzetache sporting driver of the Mercedes stepped out of the car and told the other car owner not to worry; the Mercedes is Walid Beik’s and his insurance will take care of everything. The Mercedes was pretty slick, which reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend that the MTV crew should have a go at the Lebanese zaeems’ Cribs.

Move over Dr. Dre, here comes Dr. Geagea’s Arz estate, and he has prison creds too. Hassan Nasrallah’s crib has been reduced to a radioactive pile of rubble, but his charred motorcade is a perfect candidate for Pimp My Ride; a Manar Studio in the back seat, a Zelzal under the hood. On to Qoraytem where you’ll find a 7 meter wide life size poster of the Martyr on every wall of every room and a 1700 men strong security force guarding a house that is completely empty eleven months out of the year. In Rabieh, you’ll see the navel room, the afandi room, the tangerine room, the Clementine room, the Balkis room, the fresh squeezed room, etc…

In other Zaeem houses (without naming names to avoid lawsuits) you should pay particular attention as you might be able to spot your neighbor’s chandelier, your great grandmother’s long lost grandfather’s clock, uncle Joe’s 1975 Citroen amongst other loot that didn’t cross our soon to be closed borders during the past 2 decades.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Off the Internet

Here's a little article I found about blogging from Beirut during Olmert's angry days.

Bleu , Blanc, Lose

I'm still shaking. I think I burnt off more calories than the actual players over the past 2 hours.
What a performance, what a Game, what a Win.

Final Score Lebanon 74 France 73.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Something Stinks

I've had a self imposed ban on internal politics since Olmert started burying Lebanese kids under the rubble of their homes.

Well, I will continue this hiatus for the time being even though I have a bone to pick with, well, everybody except Elie Joseph Beik Skaff of course.

I've gotten a lot of "what national untiy" exclamations when I wrote my letter of admiration to the Lebanese people. I stand by what I said. The way the grand majority of the Lebanese people acted during the war and continue to behave these days is light years ahead in national maturity than where we were a couple of months ago. A political compromise will be reached internally and there will not be another civil war, Ever!! I will repeat it one more time for the delusional haters, Lebanon will NEVER have another civil war.

On a final note, as the Israeli elite fighters strategically repositioned their asses to their side of the fence, they have left a lot of stinking souvenirs: open tuna cans, sweaty and bloody boots, phosphorus-torched landscapes, and ..... used adult diapers. Apparently the baby killers from down south have the same bowel control as their victims. I smell an endorsement deal here. Depends, J & J's Baby Powder, or Mr. Bidet's Clean Healthy Tush; the possibilities are endless.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Lebanon 82 - Venezuela 72

No honking, no fireworks. But Lebanon wins its first game at the World Championships.

After a slow start and 17 first half turnovers, the Lebanese team woke up in time to dominate late. Joe Vogel kept us in the game early and Fadi El Khatib had a huge second half, but the surprise today was Ali Mahmoud's performance off the bench. Rony Fahed wasn't his usual self today and Paul Coughter went for plan B with Mahmoud, and what a game he had. Roy Samaha had a good game on defense, but dude's gotta make the easy layups.

This is Lebanon's first win at this level, and I'm glad I woke up before dawn (is dawn before or after sunrise?) to witness it.

Let's do this one more time and move on to the Second Round.

*Photo Source: AP

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Rebounding and a (Fast) Break

Lebanon's National Basketball team arrived in Japan today to participate in the World Championships. I highly doubt there is any team in this tournament that had as rough a time preparing for this tournament, so basically just the fact that we are there is a huge accomplishment. Still a win at this stage would be nice. Our best chances to avoid a winless participation are in our first and last games.

Lebanon-Venezuela, Saturday 7:00 am Beirut Time
Lebanon-Argentina (Olympic Gold Medalists), Sunday 10:00 am
Lebanon-Serbia & Montenegro (5 Time Champions under a different name), Monday 10:00 am
Lebanon-France, Wednesday 1:00 pm
Lebanon-Nigeria, Thursday 10:00 am

Yalla Ya Shabeb!!!

Monday, August 14, 2006

A letter to the People of Lebanon

I owe you an apology. You've proved me wrong.

I had no faith in you. You must admit, history was not on your side.

I thought you would crack under fire. Israel thought so too, it was banking on it. It based its whole war on this premise. How could they not think so, any observer of Lebanon's never ending internal friction could see how feebly tied together this society was.

I saw you a month ago creating divisions on top of divisions just so you can further taunt each other. You have used every shade in the color spectrum to differentiate yourselves from your neighbors, cousins, and brothers.

I was doubting the concept of Lebanon. I was afraid it will become just another history lesson of failed sociological experiments.

Lebanon will not be a failed experiment because of you, mighty people of Lebanon. Your will will never be bent, your Country will forever be respected, because of you. An army of 4 million hardened unique soldiers cannot be defeated.

I don't know what it is that holds all of you freaks together, but it is damn special.

I was wrong about you.

Please accept my apologies.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Angry and Soon to be Unemployed Olmert Days 32 & 33

13 hours to go until the promised ceasefire.

Just over a month ago, a man by the name of Ehutzpanim Olmert declared war on Lebanon to send it back 20 years, to free 2 Israeli soldiers, and to destroy Hezbollah.

Instead he earned himself war criminal credentials, strengthened Hezbollah considerably, and caused damage to the Israeli army image that not even 20 years would fix. Not a very successful war, is it?

A couple of hours ago, Israeli F-16's bombed the hell out of another Beirut suburbs neighborhood. 11 high rise buildings were reduced to rubble. The scene is repeated throughout the country in a "final?" muscle flexing show of Israel's ability to destroy stuff and kill civilians. Bravo! Now someone throw Olmert a cookie, since he failed to earn a trophy or even a medal.

P.S. I want to point out that quote attributed to me in today's New York Times is a cut and paste job of different things I said during our conversation re-arranged conveniently out of context to make it "fit to print."

Friday, August 11, 2006

Angry Olmert Days 30 & 31

Early wake up call today.

I counted over 20 blasts before 5:30 am, which shows you that after a month of Olmert war crimes his Israeli superior mass murdering machine is resorting to random bombing of buildings in hope of catching something in his line of fire. Anything.

All the Hezbollah legitimate targets that Israel knew of were targeted in the first couple of days of this killing campaign. Everything since then has been frustrated mass homicide. Israel did not just discover that the 20+ buildings targeted today were strategic targets that they have missed, they just wanted to bomb stuff.

The biggest sign of Israel's military inability to hit targets of value can be seen around the world 24 hours a day. Al Manar Television, whose home has been reduced to sand from numerous bombings since day 1 of this war, is still broadcasting 24 hours a day. Not only is it a constant taunt for Israeli's confused military intelligence, but it hosts live daily shows with visiting guests. If Israel can't find the studio of a fully staffed TV station that they've been trying to destroy for a month, how are they to be expected to find Hezbollah's top leadership? Oh wait they captured a Hassan Nasrallah in Baalbeck.

Speaking of press, or lack of press in this case, have you noticed that IDF casualties are always confirmed between 2 and 3 am local time. While the IDF insists on a daily basis that their battles in Lebanon are going smoothly and spend all day denying any losses, sometime before dawn when no one is listening they sneak out a report that reads something like that: "The IDF lost 3,5,8, or 15 soldiers in battles near Aita El Shaab." That report is buried into the back pages by the time the sun rises.

Just now, news reports of another war crime against civilians are coming in from Akkar. 12 reportedly died by Israeli F-16 bombs. For those of you not familiar with Lebanon, Akkar is the Northern most district in Lebanon. No Hezbollah, no Katyushas, so let's just call them Islamo-fascists with bottles of liquid and disposable cameras.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Angry Olmert Days 28 & 29

The war rages on with no end or gas in sight. At this pace, sometime next week I'll have to start blogging using smoke signals.

Speaking of smoke, we have not even began to grasp the extent of lives that will be cut short by Israel's war crimes against Lebanon. When the dust and the other venomous substances in our air settle, the disease outbreaks will begin. With one million people living in places that are not meant to be human homes, we're going to have the normal airborne contagious diseases spreading widely. Medicine shortages caused by the Israeli enforced embargo will surely affect more than few people with chronic diseases, not to mention those in villages where roads have been erased off the map.

All that is before we go into the crazy scientist experiments being conducted on us. In all fairness though, Hezbollah fighters are using biological weapons too. Anyone who has tried Kibbeh Nayyeh Jnoubiyyeh knows what I'm talking about. The Israelis in their Merkavas expected a breeze instead they are ill sailing against a mighty wind.

Finally, on the subject of stinkers, the Israelis switched commanders for their war on Lebanon. I can't wait for my Israeli visitors to explain to me how this move is a sign that things are going according to plan.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Angry Olmert Day 27

The Israeli terror raids are getting closer and closer. I guess the people of Shiyyah sleep with rockets under their beds too. Judging by previous performances by the IDF intelligence, this was probably just another name confusion incident. They probably confused pocket rockets for long range weapon systems. A pocket rocket is a vibrator used by females (and some males) for self gratification purposes; it's military usefulness is almost nil.

Another masturbation tool for females is the dildo. A wide array of them was on display today in Beirut. The widest of them being .....I'll stop here before I jeopardize our reconstruction fund collection.

As for the south of the border gamecock, he's still putting the moves on Aita El Shaab. 27 days of flirtation and he still hasn't come close to sniffing anything, which makes him a certifiable limpdick.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Angry Olmert Days 25 & 26

1000 Deaths. Olmert's War on Lebanon has now claimed over 1000 Lives.

Over a third are under the age of 13. 13 kids under 13 a day, yet the world's freedom lovers are taking their sweet ass time to do anything about it. They just don't care. No one cares. That's moral superiority.

This is military superiority for you. 90% of the Israeli killing machine's victims have been civillian, or what the dehumanaizing media prefers to call collateral damage. Meanwhile, the big bad so called terrorists have been causing most of their damage non-collaterally against the Israeli military.

On to technological superiority, the distance from the border fence to the village of Aita El Shaab is 900 meters. That is about a 10 minute walk for an able body. It would take you less than a minute to cover that distance in a Renault 12. An average tortoise would make it in 6 hours. 26 days and counting for the state of the art Merkava beasts...


I started writing this yesterday. I don't feel like finishing it tonight, but since I don't want to go three days without checking in; here I'll post it as is.


Friday, August 04, 2006

Angry Olmert Day 24

I lost my internet connection, so I'm checking in from a smokey dungeon that happens to be conveniently equipped with Commodore 64s.

I have to get out of this place as soon as possible since the odor of this place is already invading my clothes, and with that showing better military offensive skills than Olmert's Elite. I can't exactly make it out, but I can tell it has a heavy dose of Marlboro and Gauloises, a few Gitanes and Winstons thrown in, and a hint of Hermel's finest.

Speaking of Hermel, that was the site of Olmert's massacre du jour but no one will care about those killed since they are mostly poor kurdish farmers. However, Olmert really pissed off the Saudis today by bombing the Casino du Liban road. Upon hearing the news Saud Al Faysal said he'll head to Beirut on Monday to work on immediate ceasefire.

I really need to get away from this cloud of cancer.

Heading straight to the shower.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Angry Olmert Day 23

The air raids returned to Beirut's southern suburbs which means we are sleeping to sweet sounds of F-16 lullabies.

Today, Hezbollah's big boss spoke for the first time since Saturday. Let's meet Hassan Nasrallah. He's only the most popular living figure in the arab world today, yet the rest of the world only knows him as another bearded Sheikh.

Who is this arrogant, chubby, myopic lisper who just froze countries and world "leaders" in anticipation of every word coming out his mouth?

First of all he's Lebanese, thus the arrogance; From the South, thus his "healthy" appetite; and born and raised in East Beirut, thus the lisp.

Another important thing you need to know is that the man lovvvvvvvves to talk. He can go on and on and on....

Now on to the current conflict, the dude has Israel dazed and bumfuzzled. Angry Olmert feels impotent in this military confrontation against the Sayyed. So in a desperate attempt to get himself some mojo, Olmert ordered a massive military operation to get himself a Hassan Nasrallah. This was just a brilliant move that no one saw coming. Talk about an Ace up his sleave, Olmert's troops got their man while he was in a middle of card game.

If that is not an omen of an impending change of fortunes, I don't know what is.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Angry Olmert Day 22

Make that Angrier Olmert.

As if death simmering over the fire he lit 3 weeks ago wasn't enough, Olmert and his blood lusting crew kicked it up a notch today. After taking care of Qana, Olmert is looking for another medal. What will it be? A nursery? An orphanage? The special olympics?

That elusive medal; Forget the Trophy. He'll probably settle for bronze right about now.
Yesterday, I pointed out Olmert's lame propaganda machine. Today I would like to talk about his flat out lies. Oh wait that is just not possible to cover in one day. Plus I'm very sleepy.

I'm just going to snooze now, could it be one of Olmert's chemical experiments that is making me this sleepy? Nah, no chance in hell, he isn't that humane. Nothing less than charred bodies would satiate his cravings.

Power just went out, later....

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Angry Olmert Day 21

750 civilian deaths and counting in Olmert's raging war against women and children, or as he prefers to call them: terrorist farms because there are no innocent civilians. Lebanese children don't hug teddy bears when they sleep, they sleep with katyushas in their beds in case you didn't know.

Israeli military incompetence has exceeded all expectations, that was a bit surprising. Surely though their random killing and destruction credentials are untouched.

More surprising, however, is their war propaganda which has shown complete creative bankruptcy. For example , the number of Hezbollah fighters the IDF have claimed to kill is always a round number. I would recommend they use odd numbers more often, 43-31-17 -93 makes it sound more credible than 200-20-40-50.

May I also recommend a computer program called Adobe Photoshop. You can very easily place a chubby black turbanned dude running into any of the civilian shelters you plan on bringing down on top of 42 kids under the age of 13.

As for the cartoons, fliers, and radio interference; that was so amateurish that it's not even worth discussing.

My favorite war propaganda item though is the "strategic redeployment". If you are planning to "strategically redeploy" your ass out of a village, DO NOT spend a week hyping it up as the Capital of Hezbollah.

I can provide you with plenty more tricks if you want. Just tell Halutz, Peretz, or Olmertz to contact me. I'm sure they have no problem reaching me, I'm a civilian after all.

Angry Olmert Day 20

A day late since my internet connection does not work on candle light.

Anyways, I'll be posting something later today.