The bottomless pit

This country is redefining my understanding of  what an abyss might look like. Just when you think that the political rhetoric on television, for example, has hit rock bottom, a new generation of pundits takes to the airwaves to drop the collective national IQ a notch lower. This national unity government can boast that they've doubled an already high road fatality rate. Suicide rates and abuse among enslaved domestic workers are alarming, but that's just a smear campaign by human rights groups according to former aspiring president Boutros Harb. "Heritage sites" are being preserved... in pictures. Beirut municipal stadium will finally reopen to the public... as a parking garage. After all, we've learned friendly parking disputes can be deadly.

The ruling "opposition" is happy with  the fact that their rivals/partners are led by an ideal foe, His Excellency Wiley E. Coyote. What they don't know is that they are sinking down to his level. Check that, they are at his level. Idiocy is contagious. The latest Wall Street Journal article on Beirut has Yasser Arafat hanging out at a pub that opened 2 decades after he was removed from Beirut. Why not have Jesus turning water into wine at Skybar while you're at it? The "guide" that was quoted in the article is none other than the son of former finance minister, Indiana Jones. I wonder if he's the person who tipped off his dad about that treasure in Rashaya. 

Not everything is in free fall though. Prices are up.  

A Bug's Life

Aesop's tale about the ant and the grasshopper is a short, simple fable about conflicting personalities. Long story short, or in this case short story even shorter, one of them mocks the other for a period of time and then ends up out in the cold. Moral of the story: natural selection favors long term planning over flavor of the day.

That doesn't make the ant a better insect or a role model. They can be really pesky sons of bugs, but they will always outlast the here today, gone tomorrow grasshopper.

I think this story would make good television, someone should think about adapting it to the screen.

Li Fairouz

avg. wait time: worth every minute of it

Censorship Schmucks

Steve Carell probably had his funniest role since "Little Miss Sunshine", but the Lebanese state had to interfere in the enjoyment of the film. There were a couple of scenes that were obscenely cut from the movie which opened yesterday in Beirut. It turns out that depicting Jesus and his apostles as a dead rodents for a small paying audience is a threat to national security. This at the same time that live rats continue to be streamed daily right into everyone's living room free of charge.

Speaking of censorship, Ayam Beirut Al Cinema'iya kicked off. It will feature the signing of "The One Man Village" DVD, which had 5 minutes chopped off by Lebanese authorities. It's merely a circumcision compared with other castration jobs by the authorities. I'm not sure how much of "Nahla" will be shown on Sunday as previously aired versions of the film had up to 45 minutes cut out by censors. Also censors removed 75 minutes out of  De Gaulle Eid's 75 minute long documentary,"What Happened?". Yet national security still eludes us..go figure.

Israel WAS here

28 years ago, it's eviction started...

Do you believe in magic?

Last week after the Burj Abi Haydar bash, it was reported that the warring allies found a man with 2 shoulders to cry on in Damascus.

Then yesterday, as reported in Al Akhbar, the same man met with a head of one of the local quasi-spy agencies and with a snap of a finger calmed the tense political scene. This story can be corroborated by the sudden change in the SMS dispatches and a certain interview in today's edition of Asharq Al-Awsat.

The man's a magician.

Real bloggers

It was always embarrassing to attend Arab bloggers' conferences as a "Lebanese" blogger. Everyone else had real battle scars. Until a recent hubbub by Michel Suleiman about the prestige of the "Lebanese" Presidency, authorities here had no ideas what blogs were. So we really had nothing to contribute to discussions of activists who really put their neck on the line facing Arab tyrants.
Ali Abdulemam, from Bahrain, is now 2 up on me.

Beirut: a Tree-free zone

Does anyone remember the carnival-like atmosphere post-Doha where political rivals took to the streets of Beirut hand in hand to remove flags and posters that belonged to the various warring factions? Beirut was then declared a politics-free zone. It still is pretty much just that, except for all the Amal movement flags and Nabih Berri posters that replaced all the other colors. But hey...that's the closest the city will ever get to being green.

Unpaid Ad

"Yen'ad Aleik" is a genuine, energetic and fun performance at Beirut's cutest stage. It's a zeitgeisty love story about loving the little things and leaving little things.

Ramadan spirit has other venues charging $30 bucks for you to hear washed up Electrolux Air Conditioners roar over attempts at music; meanwhile, for $10 bucks you can watch Yara Abou Haidar and Wahid Al Ajami sweat their butts off on stage. I mean that literally, so avoid the front rows because you will get splashed. Plus the show is in 3D and you don't have to pay extra or wear those silly heavy glasses.

Miracle healing is one thing...

... but Father Daniel taking a shit on medicine at the Doctors' syndicate is just too good to pass.

Word on the street is that the opening act will be the extra borojo infomercial healer.

I'm so gonna be there, I'm taking with me a neck pain and a truck-full of psychological issues.

See you there.

Parking Ticket

The latest episode in the ongoing Lebanese civil war, which despite the legend did not start in 1975 and did not magically end in 1990, was attributed to an argument over a parking space.

A spokesperson for one for the parties involved called it an isolated incident over something silly. Well it is, but this country is "something silly" away from becoming just a silly footnote in history. The poster pictured above appeared on Beiruti walls before the Burj Abi Haydar incident.Whoever posted it either has psychic powers or the laws of averages make it a safe bet to bring up the topic of Lebanese in-fighting at any time without fearing it will be untimely. Lebanese in-fighting shocks no one... except the Lebanese that is.

There are many, many factors that have Lebanon at a constant simmer. One of them is the "silly" parking. You see, there's a field of study called urban planning. Believe it or not, some urban planners make money by offering urban planning services. It turns out people live more happily if they knew they could find a parking spot within a couple of kilometers of their home. They would be happier if they know that there is a reliable public transport system that will get them home. But that's really asking too much of incompetent political leadership. The last brilliant idea to come out of state institutions to address the parking problem in Beirut was to build car parks in place of the last remaining human parks in town. I'm no urban planner, but I'm pretty sure parks are also part of what makes people's lives in cities more bearable.

I'm no outlaw either, but I know people who know people that can get you out of a parking ticket. Though I'm thinking an RPG launcher is a much more effective tool to achieve that, plus you won't owe anyone any favors. Hmmm...

In the Red

"Fouad Siniora is a Red Line".-Saad Hariri this past weekend

Rafiq Hariri is also a Red Line. It's true he's been dead for over five years now but he has not ceased to be a red line and will continue to be one for the foreseeable future. That future is basically as long as the Special Tribunal for Lebanon keeps running its tab.

Saad Hariri is a Red Line too. He doesn't want to brag about himself, but he's along the same red line that started with his father and passed right through Siniora into his care.

I'm surprised that a politician that prides himself on following an infallible economic plan is being so frank, but I'm not complaining. His honesty is quite commendable. Even though if you really look at it, there just isn't any other way to put it.

When your finances yield $50 billion in debt.. that's one very Red bottom line.

Month of Tolerance

MTV Arabia, a joint venture between MTV and Sheikh Mo's Dubai Holding, decided to observe Ramadan by refraining from airing vulgar Music videos and sticking to its more wholesome reality shows.

Daddy's Girls is one of these shows.

During one of the episodes I overheard an obscene amount of script being bleeped out. So I inquired with a subject matter expert, my sister, about the Ramadan spirit on display. She said she doesn't think they are saying any bad words since they are talking about a nice "bleeping" boy. Having watched the episode she thought the most logical choice for the bleeped out word is "Jewish".

Sure enough a small internet search confirmed that the "Girls" were talking about a nice jewish boy.

But I guess blatant anti-Semitism is OK if it comes from "moderates" who are tolerant of Israel.

Bull

Yesterday, Minister of Defense Elias El-Murr had a press conference to address a very urgent issue. His performance was indirectly questioned in a newspaper article written by Hassan Olleik and published in Al Akhbar. While answering questions he mentioned the famous MIG 29s that the Russians allegedly gave as a gift to Lebanon and were supposed to be patrolling the skies by now.

By El-Murr's logic, the MIGs were too expensive to operate so Lebanon asked for the gift to be replaced with cheaper and easier to operate helicopters. Now I'm not sure if those ever made it to Beirut, but that's not the issue. The defense strategy and military logic of the minister sees it is appropriate to cut corners and equip the army with what's cheaper rather than what is necessary. Why stop at helicopters, I hear tricycles are even easier to operate. Seriously though, wouldn't it have been beautiful had El-Murr uttered these words as Minister of Finance? All that lady ever says is tax.

El-Murr was offended by Olleik's article and felt he was wronged. So he applied the same logic. Why opt for the lengthy, complicated, and expensive legal defense, when you can go for the easier and cheaper tactic of bullying.

What can you say? The man is consistent.

Are you an Israeli spy?

People over here are overly nosey. Widespread plastic surgery facilities can only take care of the physical aspect of this trait. Therefore, curiosity continues to kill the... well you know who.

Remember that barrage of questions that you answered this sweet looking old lady when you first moved into the neighborhood? Well your answers have become common knowledge in the neighborhood, because she told her neighbor who in turn told the grocer. The grocer wrote down your info in his accounts receivables file, but then gave up on you after he saw that you're a sucker that will pay five fold for the same fruits from the "organic" grocer down the street. Your data have now become parsley wrapping. After the tabbouleh is made, your confessions end up in the bottom of a birdcage which houses a parrot which keeps repeating the newly acquired gossip until it's old news.

Now combine that with the love of bragging which happens to be the other strong trait around here, and you end up with an environment that's not very conducive to keeping secrets.

So don't try to be some smart ass super secret agent, you will be caught. If you want to be an Israeli tool, do it openly and join the... well you know who.

The Man, the half man, and the Two Dozen Man

Security breaches at Beirut International Airport will not stop the influx of regional heads of royal courts. Latest reports say that they will be treated to lunch at some place in Baabda known for its hospitality towards money and power. However, the quality of the lunch experience can not be corroborated as the chef there is not too fond of critique.

That's not all, if rumors are true tomorrow's show is nothing but the under-card before the heavyweights take the ring.

Now I understand that men always have the urge to mark their territory and I'm sure there is some scientific explanation for that. But I wish they did it like dogs do, because then all we'd have to deal with is just a little stench of pee. Instead what we get is ... well... Lebanon.

ِA Suicide Bombing Seminar?

Lecture is titled: "Blast your energies in support of your religion"

كانت حكاية

In a creative process, the creator often starts with a rough idea. That idea sounds good so it's put through the development process that may result in creative work, or as in most cases it ends up being junk. In this country, junk does not take the usual junk route but is rather piled on top of other junk in a very public display of, well, junk.

Back to the creative process; one of the stages in the early life of an idea is testing it out loud. The creator often needs to say the idea out loud, let it bounce off a wall and see how it sounds. Some ideas only sound great in your head and those should be kept there. Now a lifeless wall has good idea bouncing qualities, but it doesn't hurt if the wall happens to have a pulse.

Bouncing the ideas of a genius creator is a very enriching experience. You can learn a lot just listening in on a person like, let's say, Assi Al Rahbani at work. The problem starts when you believe that the ideas bouncing off of you are actually yours.

The rest is history, or in this case, attempts at rewriting history.

Nurturing Environment

Hassan Nasrallah made a prime time TV appearance last night in what was dubbed "The Press Conference 22-7-2010".

In order to rationalize their timid response (so far), Al Mustaqbal headlined that "Nasrallah toned down his speech." In the article they also insinuate that Nasrallah is jealous that Hariri and Damascus are all lovey dovey again. Back to The News Conference though, since I don't report to the same bosses of Al Mustaqbal's editorial team I can say that this was one of Nasrallah's most threating messages when it comes to internal politics. The "tone" was higher than December 1st, 2006 but not quite May 7th, 2008.

Here we need to remember that after both of these threats "National Unity" prevailed, so those hoping for major changes should not get their hopes up. I do want to stop at one point that Nasrallah was asked about. When talking about Israeli agents he mentioned a "nurturing environment" that encourages that sort of behavior.

The "nurturing environment" that encourages people to sell, well just about anything, for a wad of cash is not a security issue that threatens the balance of powers in the resistance fight against occupation. It is a deeply rooted economic and cultural phenomenon that started plaguing the region way before 2005. Even though Rafiq Hariri played a major role in mainstreaming this nouveau riche petrolaire culture, the roots of this irresponsible opportunist dependent passive behavior go back way before the springing 90's.

So yes there is a "nurturing environment" in Lebanon that encourages treason. It also encourages jealousy, hypocrisy, egotism, laziness, ignorance, division, racism and intolerance in all its forms.

In this environment, everyone is to blame.

Tourist season (Pre-Israeli Apartheid)

(Hat tip Hilal)