و بيتين عتابا للمناسبة

سبع بورومبو معيّد بواحَد و مأضْرِب بسبعة مايو

ما في شغل، نازل عالبحر و معو لابسة سبعة مايو

اليوم يومو إن نصَبّ زيت عنارو أو تلج صَب عمايو

غصب عن اللّي بالضاحية والرابية و قريطم و معراب

شو عم بيصير هالإسبوع بين بيروت و محلّة

هون حكومة ما بيرفّلها جفن و باقية بافية باقية محلاّ

و هونيك تلاتين سنة و إنّو تشبع سرقة و قمع ما حلاّ

إن لفظتو الجيم جيم أو الجيم جيم كلكن سوا بلإضراب

للمزيد أنقر هنا

... and on May Day

Nudity. I still have a clipping from an October 1993 Nouvel Observateur, an opinion poll: twelve hundred people describing themselves as on the left were sent a list of two hundred ten words and asked to underline the ones that fascinated them, that appealed to them, that they found attractive and congenial; a few years earlier, the same poll had been taken: back then, of the same two hundred ten words there were eighteen on which left wingers agreed and which thereby confirmed the existence of a shared sensibility. In 1993, the beloved words were down to three. Only three words that the left can agree on? What a decline! What a collapse! And what three words are they? Listen to this: “revolt”; “red”; “nudity.” “Revolt” and “red,” those are obvious. But that, aside from those two words, only “nudity” quickens the heart of left-wingers, that only nudity still stands as their shared symbolic legacy, is astounding. Is this our total inheritance from the magnificent two-hundred-year history solemnly launched by the French Revolution, is this the legacy of Robespierre, Danton, Jaurès, Rosa Luxemburg, of Lenin, Gramsci, Aragon, Che Guevara? Nudity? The naked belly, naked balls, naked buttocks? Is that the last flag under which the final brigades of the left simulate their grand march through the centuries? 

-Milan Kundera, Slowness

Valet Parking Part Deux

I have touched on the subject previously, but this is one topic in Lebanon around which many dissertations could be done. One could study the Freudian interpretation of the glee derived from the key tossing experience; or the statistical correlation between the time it takes a poser to get out of his or her street blocking car and the number of angry eyeballs in the cars behind him or her.
I don’t have the time or the knowhow to conduct scientific research on this phenomenon, but I do have an eye that spots potential case studies.

Case #1

Dunkin Donuts is an American franchise that sells fried dough and sugar. It has long been known as a favorite hangout of men in uniform out late at night to protect and serve. It also serves as a quick pit stop for commuters that are late for work and in need of cheap coffee and a cheaper heart clogging sinful treat.
The Sodeco Area of Beirut is smacked right in the middle of what formerly the dividing line between East and West Beirut. It was an area known for its legendary snipers, and thus the bullet poked façade: a unique Beirut architectural style. Coffee there was a vital part of the survival kit back in these days under the snipe or be sniped theory.
The Dunkin Donuts at Damascus Road in the Sodeco Area of Beirut has Valet Parking.

Case #2

Lebanon has been suffering a massive brain drain since the opposition sit in started, or was it since the July war? The Hariri assassination? Since Hariri assumed power? Lausanne? 1982? April 13th? The Cairo accords? World War II? My great grandfather was in Cuba at the turn of the century so let’s just say that people have been fleeing this mountain range for a long, long time. A random sample of the youth would reveal that a good chunk of those leaving do so for the lack of money making job opportunities.
Forward Forum is a career fair that took place at BIEL this past weekend. Thousands of jobless youth flocked for a shot at a career that would keep them in the country. Careers that are unlikely to pay for mortgages, but at least they would cover their food; modest aspirations for college graduates.
Forward Forum had a Valet parking service that would save these 20 some year olds a walk of no more than 50 meters, yet hundreds of the job searchers opted to pay the extra fee for the luxury of just tossing the car key.

Counting Intellectuals

It's 4 am, and I can't sleep. An old trick that I know is to count sheep, but I've been living in a city for so long that I forgot what they look like. I do remember that they often come in herds and they make unintelligible noises.
There are no sheep in Beirut but I have witnessed a group of people that made unintelligible noises recently. It was right here in Hamra at something called Homeworks. They kept calling themselves "intellectuals." I wonder if they have the same effect.
Hazem Saghiyeh
Wissam Saadeh
Houssam Itani
Hazem Al Amin
Bashar Haydar
Rabih Mroueh
Jalal Toufic
Emily Jacir
Marwan Rechmaoui
Kamal Aljafari
Zeina Maasri
Khalil Rabah
Joana Hadji-Thomas
Khalil Joreige
Wael Shawky
Bernard Khoury
Hazzzem Saghiyeh
Hazzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Greek Orthodox: Pound for Pound

No need to remind everyone that the office of President of the Republic is vacant. That counter is well into triple figures, but it is almost a 1000 days behind the mother of all counters.

Earlier this week Siniora and Berri each kicked off a tour that'll take them to various stops where they can woo their fans, or was it fan their woes?
In any case with the absence of the top 3 Politicians, Farid Makari became the highest ranking politician in the country. Now that's an honor that Makari would be able to claim for just a few hours, maybe a day or 2 max. But that was enough to ruffle some feathers among the esteemed Orthodox brethren. It donned on Michel El Murr that he, and not a Makari, should have been the king for a day.

So in order not to miss out on an opportunity like this if it were to present itself again, Mr. Murr Sr. quit the Orange Parliamentary grove and positioned himself as the next independent consensual vice-speaker of the parliament.

Clever. huh? Well you don't just go from being Israel's most reliable ally to becoming Syira's most reliable tool , and then finally somehow be both in the government and in the opposition without being clever. It's a bit unorthodox though.

Who's your daddy?

I perfectly understand why a group of people chose to erect large posters of Abdallah Al Saud all over town. The "others" have posters of Khamenei up. So the only logical match would be the Servant King of Islam's Holiest places; a feat that certainly trumps Supreme leadership of a revolution in terms of Holy brownie points. What I don't get though is the timing. Why now? The only thing I could think of, is that this has to do with the absolutely successful and/or completely failed Arab summit is Damascus; a message to Assad to show him who's the Half-Man. Nah, I'm sure a King would be over this more than a year after the fact and wouldn't let a mere word get to him. CNN did call him a history maker after all. CNN called me "a blogger" once; I'm telling you, these people have an amazing nose for accurate labeling.

I was watching the Egyptian equivelant to CNN sunday night. The host was going to extraordinary lengths to tell us that Sunday was an ordinary day. He went on and on explaining how traffic was ordinary, schools had ordinary attendance, hospitals did an ordinary number of nose jobs, and football games had the same number of unspectacular goals scored as any other ordinary day. See here being the inquisitive guy I am, I grew suspicious. Why would anyone be so adamantly bragging about the ordinariness of a day? Well, because they wish it was.

The day was so out of the ordinary that our own Siniora was summoned to Cairo on Sunday. His experience in ignoring protesting citizens would surely come in handy in times like these. Sure, neither the Lebanese opposition is as courageous nor that Lebanese government is as oppressive as their Egyptian counterparts. After all,the so-called-opposition in this country is still to this day begging for "partnership". You are one ugly, evil, money hungry, conniving bastard, will you marry me?

On a final note, the money witness in the Hariri assassination investigation has disappeared. It might just be a witness protection move. In any case, this blog has received exclusive footage from the international tribunal in the land of legal hos and weed. Enjoy the show.

Maronites: Pound for Pound

The United States does it. So do Arab states; the moderately evil countries and the evilly moderate ones. I don't see why Lebanon should refrain from doing it, aren't we afterall the face of the Dakotas in the Middle East according to one Lebanese ultranationalist.

I'm talking, of course, about putting presidential faces on currency. Spare me the talk that we shan't worship false idols because we do it more than anyone ever did. Heck, we produced the real idols who preached about false idols.

We'll start off with Beshara El Khoury on the 100,000LL bill; not because he is worth more than the others but purely for aesthetic reasons, no one else would fill up this bill. 50,000LL has to go to Elias Hrawi. He was our only president to get re-elected without the MP's going "Oops, we were just @#$%ing around." 20,000LL has to feature Fouad Chehab as 20,000 of his preteges went on to become presidents.

In the US the $1 bill is reserved for Washington, clearly the President with the best head of hair. If we follow the same logic, only Amine Gemayyel can be on the 1000LL note. Emile Lahoud gets the pink 5,000LL note, only because there isn't a glittery lilac silk one.

That leaves us with the 10,000 Liras: Orange numbers with a yellow background. I say we keep it vacant for the time being, there's a good chance someone would fit this bill sometime next year.

Cultural Agenda II

This whole Beirut Spring Business, or Culture, is now starting to captivate me. I'll assume the use of "Beirut" is just synecdochical, and what is really meant is the whole of Lebanon. But the same does not apply to "Spring", Spring is just Spring without the rest of the seasons. It fits in with a Future without a past, and Love and Life in an eternal Hallmark moment.

I must admit it is a very attractive "culture" for consumers. It's actually heavenly. Except you don't have to die to go there. It's right here on Earth; in Beirut specifically. Spring is beautiful, unlike the harsh winter, the long hot sweaty summer days, and not to mention Autumn which is synonymous with the end of life. Of course, a culture of no worries and no responisibilities naturally would have no accountability. The consumer is buying this culture as is. Anything un-springy one might encounter is just foreign. Alien obstacles are maliciously placed solely to ruin this midspring night's dream.

Things might be looking gloomy, but the guardians of culture keep huffing and puffing into a huge heartshaped balloon. I admire that, but we all now what happens to an overinflated balloon. That's a whole lot of bad breath.

Redefining Absurdity

First of all, a message to the readers. I know I've been away for a while, but Please, please, please I urge you, nah, I beg you not to fire any weapons in the air when you're done reading this. The culture of propaganda is all about firing up lies, not live bullets. But if you must, go for the M-16. With the US Dollar in its current state, it has become cheaper to waste American bullets than Russian ones.

Now Carlozinho might not have fully grasped what people saw. So I'll put it in terms he should understand. Dude, you looked far more ridiculous than Tante Imm Micho doing the Lambada. I do still find him cute and adorable, but Elie Beik Skaff will always be number one in my heart.

Pissful Coexistence

There are many angles in Lebanon where you can take a picture and capture a church and a mosque in the same frame. Oh, the beauty of peaceful coexistence. Well, that isn't entirely accurate. If you look closer, you'd notice that the newer shrine is on average three times the size of the older house of worship. This phenomenon can be attributed to the fact that this beautiful picture was actually the result of a pissing match between the coexisting village people.

The Story of Ayyoub

In Lebanon we have a political opposition. It's there, it's really there. Don't be fooled by the lack of vital signs. No Breathing, no pulse, that's all an illusion. It is not dead. You see, the opposition happens to be of the patient variety. Patience as you know is a virtue.
I guess it would take a patience virtuoso to understand. That's Ayyoub.


Cultural Agenda

Friday, 7:30 pm, Waving Flag Caravan Concerto Around the Block
Saturday, 10:00 am, Bread and Rice Bribe-A-Thon, Diwaniyyet Al Aish al Mushtarak, Istiqlal street
Saturday, 10:00 pm, Traditional Zajal by Zaghloul Abou Faour and the BIEL troupe, La Hoya Suites, Manara
Sunday, 10:00 am, "Now you have One Man, Now you see 50", Magic show, Liberated Section of Martyr Square
Sunday, Tea Time, Fibs and Tales of the Truth , Taditional Storytelling by Grand Hakawati Ahmad Fatfat, Grand Serail
Mon-Sun, 12:55pm, "In the Third Year, He Rose Again", Recitale by the Sea

Libertad, Libertad!

Overheard on April 14th, 1961 at Cafe Versailles, Eighth Street, Miami, FL

-Oye Doña, un cortadito por favor. Make it special, it'll be my last one in this country.

- What do you mean last one, Chico.

-Listen Jacinto, we can't go wrong.

-What if...

- No what ifs, no nothing. We will go in through the Bay go straight up the hill. Once we're on the hilltop Fidel will have nowhere to go but to jump in the sea.

- I don't know, Men. Can we do that alone.

- We will not be alone man, that's the beauty of it. The Gringos will bomb Fidel by air, to open the way for us. Señor Jon Jon senior promised us support. The Gringos already deployed 3 warships to cover our butts. It'll be over in a week. Even the prisons are ready, we just need the prisoners.

- A week, chico!?

-Maximo.


This post is dedicated To Ahmad El Assaad, Dory Chamoun, and their other cute little playpals.

بالإذن من إبن عربي

كل مبادرة شفيعها عمر موسى، لا يعوّل عليها

كل قمّة لأمّة قادتها طغاة، لا يعوّل عليها

كل جدار يفصل حبيبين ،مهما علا لا يعوّل عليه

كل سلاح قمع ذكي كان أم غبي، لا يعوّل عليه

كل احتجاج مطلبه كرسيّ، لا يعوّل عليه

كل كرسي يُقعِد جالسَه مدى الحياة، لا يعوّل عليه

كل مليون تتّسع له كراسي استاد ميشيغان، لا يعوّل عليه

وكل فرد ينوب عن مليون ، لا يعوّل عليه

كل جمع ضرب و طرح و قسمة، لا يعوّل عليه

كلّ لبناني ينظّر من الغربة، لا يعوّل عليه

وكلّ غربي ينظّر من لبنان ، لا يعوّل عليه

أمّا كل لبناني ينظّر من لبنان،من أمثالي يعني، فلا يعوّل عليه

The Big Picture

Landmarks have always been used in directions due to the lack of street signs and building numbers in Beirut. "50 meters after the pothole", "right next to the chestnut tree", or "where that restaurant used to be" are regularly used even though that restaurant closed before you were born.

These days, however, directions have gotten much easier. You see the huge picture of Saad Hariri with his dad hovering over him? I'm in the third building to the right. There's that building with the whole side covered with a humongous Hassan Nasrallah, he's even larger than the crowd at the downtown rally. The big poster with the much younger yet no less bald Samir Geagea points you in the right direction. At the end of the road you'll see a Large picture of Pierre Gemayyel turn right; your right, his left. Don't worry the power is out but the general and his bright orange mural will illuminate the way. And just in case you get lost getting to Nabih Berri's residence, there he welcomes you with a slick smile and even slicker Ray Bans.

You can't miss it.

Penny Pinching

Haifa Wehbe $75,000; Nancy Ajram $75,000; Najwa Karam $75,000; Assi Hellani $75,000; Elissa $75,000; Majida El Roumi $60,000; Ragheb Alameh $60,000; Nawal El Zoghbi $50,000; Wael Kfouri $50,000, Fares Karam $40,000; Walid Toufic $30,000; Dominique Hourani $25,000; Jad Choueiri $25,000; Mayez El Bayyaa $Peanuts; Ahmad Kaabour $Tossed Salad.

15 acts for a maximum total cost of $715,000 and a guaranteed "1.5 Million."

...and he's the one that's supposed to be the Money wiz.

Nothing Nice to Say

How does it go? "If you have nothing nice to say... just say mean things." My silence over the last few weeks is not due to the lack of things to talk about, but the lack of nice things to say. Anger is a different domain with its own specialists.

Today, there's a World cup Qualifier against Uzbekistan. The weather is beautiful , so here's an opportunity to enjoy an outdoor activity away from the soapish drama of Lebanese so called politics; except the game will be held in an empty stadium to preserve civil peace. Let's see if I can con my way to a press pass. More on that tomorrow if I succeed in making it into that beautiful serene stadium.

The affair between the Free Patriotic Movement and Hezbollah reminds me of Woodstock. Except there is no alcohol. Ok there is very little sex. The drugs are prescription, and there is no rock and roll. The main event tonight culminates a week of love expressions hardly ever seen on the Lebanese scene. Don't get me wrong, I'll take fake love over real bombs any time, but get a room. The big question for tonight remains will they or will they not kiss, but I think Claude Shalhoub would have been more appropriate than Jean Aziz for the occasion.

What the heck is a Sansoul? The song has been stuck in my head for a week and I have no clue what it means.

License to Kill

I estimate Corniche El Mazraa to be about a kilometer long, which if you divide by 5 meters you get room for 200 cars on each side of the road. On a Friday afternoon there are over 400 cars parked along the Corniche and none had a parking ticket on its windshield, so I assumed it was safe and extremely lucky for me to park right in front of Abou Ahmad for a quick bite. However, as I walked out I found an Eric Estrada writing me a ticket. "Why me?" I cried cautiously not wanting to push any wrong buttons considering I don't even carry a valid driver's license. Out of hundreds of cars, I was the only one being cited because... "you didn't leave your flashers on."

That was when a lot of Lebanese mysteries became clear to me. You can get away with murder if you leaves your flashers on. When downtown property owners tried pleading their cases against Solidere with judge Eido, they always hit the brick wall when confronted with "But did you have your flashers on?" Nabih Berri knew the power of flashing lights when he controlled the source of all our lights, that's how he's still shining even though his Amal movement has faded away. Shaker El Absi must have had his flashers on when he fled Naher El Bared leaving our mighty army dazed and impotent like superman under a blinking red sun.

I thought I had Beirut all figured out, but this town never ceases to intermittently amaze me.

Algebra

x + y + z = u

x < u/2

y < u/3

x > y > z

x + y + z + u ≤ 0

x ∩ y = Ф

x U y = ²³⁵U

u= √-1

Find x,y,z,u

Bonus: Find Michel Nayla Mouawad

Todo Sobre Mi Madre

I did not like the movie but this has nothing to do with Spanish Cinema.

It is all about my mother.

I met my mom some twenty eight years and change ago, and since I can remember I can only picture her in a calm mellow mood. She never screams; never throws or breaks stuff. I can really say that I have never seen her angry or overly emotional not even when she's PMSing, and my mother is a woman; I am not adopted by a same sex couple, she is my biological mother and most people say I look like her.

So this woman who is my mom is very peaceful. She has never been politically active, except an occasional prayer to the higher powers wishing to rid us of all TV talking heads. What could the subsecretary of social affairs in the Lebanese Option Gathering possibly have to say to merit 3 hours of satellite uplink time? Chef Antoine feeds people across the Middle East and he only gets an hour live in front of his RCA Tk40. But I digress..

My Mother didn't take part in March 8th or in March 14th. She didn't take to the streets on December 1st or 10th. I don't think she's set foot in Riad El Solh Square in 40 years. She didn't protest against rising prices, global warming, or any war. She never clapped for Peace, or lit a candle for national unity. She was never part of any labor union so she never went on strike. She has never voted in either of the two countries she's a citizen of. She just isn't that big on the whole concept of government. At the same time she has never been in trouble with the law. I don't think she even has a parking ticket on her record.

We are talking about a long slate of personal serenity and political apathy that goes back into the 1950's (Late Late 50's. I have to cover my ass In case she reads this). She's seen a lot, been through a lot, but always maintained a level head and nothing has set her over the edge.

If George W Bush sets foot in Beirut this week, this same mother of mine has sworn to storm the Serail, and unleash 50 years (I mean 40 some years) of supressed rage. She even has set aside some eggs to rot for the occasion. Yes, I know..., just eggs. I told you she's a peaceful woman.

So this is the story of my mother: my calm, peaceful, mellow, sweet mother. Imagine how the rest of the population would react if such provocation were to happen.

Rationing Rationale

Back in early Summer, Electricite du Liban started rationing power in Beirut on a temporary basis due to peak demand during the hot summer season exceeding the production capacity. Off course, areas outside Beirut were used to heavy power cuts even in off, way off peak seasons. Then on August 2nd an excuse fell from the heavens in form of a Fatah Al Islam rocket that completely shut down the Deir Amaar power plant and forced fuel ships far far away. I know I know, this was a grave situation. It was War, a legitimate safety concern; the Electric company would never just make up cheap excuses.

Personally I don't mind walking up 5 flights of stairs, it's good for the glutes. But Shaker El Absi has vanished and it's not that hot anymore, so why hasn't the electric company come up with a new spin?

Jardeh

Magician's Secret Revealed

Andre Lala makes one of the best chicken sandwiches in town. The garlic sauce he makes can't possibly be legal, but at least you can rest assured bird flu stands no chance against the smell. I've inspected the shelves at this little hole in the wall in Rmeil and found no unusual spices. But the answer to the Lala mystery came to me from up above, the recipe secret that gives the Lala chicken that extra oomph comes in the form of a bug zapper situated directly above the work area. You can see some remnants of the special ingredient stuck on the metal rods since before the war. Electrilicious!!

Hollywood is for Kids

That's the impression you come out of the movies with if you have visited a lebanese movie theater the past few weeks. Hollywood provides the rated G movies (Bee Movie, Fred Clause, Enchanted...), while Beirut provides the Drama, Adventure, and Comedy. It had been a busy year for the Lebanese movie industry, and it has had some success at the box office which should naturally help the evolution of Lebanese movie making up from the Micho Qazzi stage to the intelligent human stage in the near future.

Status Quo

Despite Nabih Berri pendular outlook between the mother of all evil and great salvation we find ourselves right where we were a year ago. So watch for some incidents that end of January, a dozen of useless tete-a-tetes between Zaeems, and summer war; or you can wait to hear it from your favorite TV channel's Nostradamus on new year's eve.

My Rosy Outlook for 2008. Why the heck not?

2008 ought to be W's final year in power. There's always a chance for a constitutional amendment as we are experiencing first hand.

Beijing 2008 basketball qualifying tournament. After choking against Iran in the Asian Championship game, Lebanon's national team gets another chance to make it to Beijing. The competition will be tough but it should be fun.

Charlie Kaufman has a new movie out in 2008 with Philip Seymour Hoffman no less. I know it's not Abu Riad the sequel, but I'm looking forward to it nonetheless.

Ok maybe not too many rosy things on the horizon afterall, but (insert your favorite motivational hallmark quote here).

Ought To

"...the world ought to say this: that the March 14th coalition can run their candidate in their parliament, majority- plus one ought to determine who the president is, and when that happens, the world ought to embrace the president."

Inspiring words on what ought to happen and what we ought to do to make it happen.

We ought to embrace Siniora's 11 pm announcement of mourning the next day for Francois El Hajj's funeral because it means he is working late without billing us for overtime.

We ought to embrace the astronomical increase in the price of Potatoes and other produce since it boosts our export revenue numbers.

We ought to embrace the quality of the American made Israeli dropped cluster bombs which are still killing Lebanese civilians and mine clearing volunteers at a brisk rate.

We ought to embrace Elliot Abrams gracing us with his visit for everything he touches turns into a glowing picturesque ball of light and warmth.

We ought to embrace, sit still ,and hold tight for a new year is upon us and that is never a good think.

Happy Holidays

From Lebanon Again

For Most Anglosaxons the expression "Kiss Me Again" can only be interpreted as a request for an encore act of contact from foreign lips (teeth, tongue, and/or tonsils) against any part of the recipient's body with some sort of spastic motion that creates a certain degree of noise and moisture.

In Lebanon Kiss-Me-Again is not even remotely associated with the verb to kiss (as it could be used in reference to a power outage), the pronoun me (which might as well be replaced with them or y'all or Timbuktu) , or the adjective again for it might be about a novelty or something that will never happen once let alone again. "Kiss-Me-Again, Siyedeh, Istiqlel..."

Now you might think this is just an expression used by pre-teens to circumvent the use of the real thing which keeps them cool without risking the consequences of a nanny 911 time out. That it's a phase they'd outgrow once they develop a more articulate vocabulary. Don't get your hopes up as there are documented cases of retirees in Basta who don't even know a word of english dropping kiss-me-agains over games of Backgammon.

A new phrase can soon be added to the languages display at the national museum: kiss em again akhou sharmouta.

Pardon me for the vulgar use of again.

The Golden General

Never has silence been more golden than in the case of our Presidential candidate du jour. Heck he's starting to lose some points because he's been seenlately visiting some people. So the peak of his popularity was when he was silent and invisible. A poll a few weeks back showed that the number 2 answer to "who would you prefer for president?" was "No one". So after Syria and the anti-syrians agreed on eliminating the people's number one choice from contention, they opted for the closest thing they could find to a "no one".

As no one fills the void, the parties involved have moved ahead to the next step which is the first Post-Siniora Cabinet. Siniora might or might not be back at the Ministry of Finance. Kouchner might be lobbying for the foreign ministry seat. The only sure thing is that Tareq Mitri and Charles Rizk won't ever see the Serail again.


But enough politics, let's move on to other places where silence is golden on the cultural scene which swung back in full force as soon as Ammar Al Houri declared the end of the presidential crisis. Charbel Rouhana debuted a few songs at an anti-AIDS concert, or was it pro? In any case, from what I've heard, and wish I haven't, the follow up to his last Album "Khateerah" is apparently going to be "Khabeesah".


An Arabized and watered down remake of Lorca's "La Casa de Bernarda Alba" opened yesterday in Babel Theater under the direction of Jawad El Asadi and the title "Sexophone Women". Overall, it is a worthy effort given all the difficulties a theatrical production faces these days, as the show has been postponed as many times as the presidential selection session. The colorful performance was overall "entertaining". I have to note my reservations on cutting out half of Lorca's characters and thus gutting the story. Jahida Wehbe was able to act the lead role, but she failed at singing it. The Young'un Yvonne El Hachem's performance stood out, and Aida Sabra's energy triggered a Tsunami watch in the South Pacific.

Now for this stormy weekend, and keepig with the theme of Silence. I'll be camping out at the movies. We've got the ongoing European film festival, Burhan Alawiye's "Khalas", and Mai Masri's "33 Days." So طير و فرقع يا بوشار، ما بيصير أكتر ما صار, or so we hope.

Say Cheese!

Today is day 1017 in search of the truth, day 361 of the opposition's sit in, and day 3 of Fouad I's reign.

Saudi Arabia doesn't really want to attend, but it doesn't want to go against Arab consensus. Syria also thinks this conference is a failure but it will show up to keep with the Arab consensus. His Majesty is sending a delegate even though he still sheds tears for the victims of Israeli barbarism. You know why? Because of Arab Consensus. Arab public opinion is strongly opposed to free concessions and the unbiased mediator role of the US. Can someone explain to me what the heck is this Arab consensus they speak of?


Now if you average the approval ratings of the regimes attending this conference, you'll get a number below the Mendoza line. The American in me is coming out with obscure baseball references, but I'm just trying to say they ain't very popular. Still, they aim to achieve a collective boost in popularity out of this orgy since it can not deliver anything of substance.

Some are worried that the Arab Dictatorships will be seen as openly isolating any opposition to Israel in the region. Well, when they were already openly in support of Israel in summer of 2006, and they are openly turning a blind eye to the collective punishment of Gazapolis; how's a little handshake and photo op with Tzipi Livni going to hurt.

Peace can only be conceived in a healthy host with lively seeds. Those trying to artificially induce their promised "birth pangs" have to face the fact that they are sterile and surrounded by a bunch of limps.

A State of Emerging...

With the state of emergency confusion, the inept political class must have been worried that a week of martial law could expose much of their shortcomings. This week or more could have shown us what independence could have been had these blood merchants cared one iota for the concept. Of course that is assuming the military doesn't pull a Naher El Bared all over the place. But alas we are still after what seems to be a smooth transition to the Siniora uncensored era. No constitutional council, no President, no checks or balances of any sort except for that of the people and particularly that of the opposition, and we know how effective that has been.

The army is out in force in Beirut. 20,000 soldiers/citizens most of them from the furthest regions away from Beirut roam the streets of the capital to keep peace. I wonder what they think of the Capital, what it means to them. A capital that never cared for them but now it calls on them as it desperately needs them. But that's a whole other can of worms.

A Final quick note on yesterday's events. A number of people celebrated the departure of Emile Lahoud from Baabda. Now you might really dislike him, but isn't celebrating now after he's completed his two terms akin to celebrating the departure of your rival team from the World Cup after it won the Final... for a second time!

When Al Manar airs Bible Belt Propaganda...

A couple of days ago while flipping through channels I caught a glimpse of Black and White footage on TV. So instinctively I pause as that to me is as good as catching a glimpse of ... well that's not important. The footage was associated with a documentary featuring the mass killings committed by Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and Mao. The "documentary" attributed all the Nazi and communist crimes to an evil "myth by and amateur biologist."

I was convinced the video was a bible belt production as it was clear that it was originally in English. I was half right, (or half wrong.) The video was originally produced in English and it can be found here under the title "The Disasters Darwinism Brought to Humanity". But while it agrees to a tee with the Christian right's view on the topic, it was of Koran Belt origin based on a book by this kooky turk.

Now I'm all for disputing Darwinism, and we've had 200 years of advancement in genealogy research to use as ammo against that evil horned Brit. However, to blame hundreds of millions of deaths on the deviation from God's will while ignoring the hundreds of millions killed in the name of God does not make for a very convincing argument.

But hey, if you are looking for common grounds between Wilayat el Faqih , Wahhabism, and neoconservatism, here's a starting point.

73,245,357,358 and counting

No this post is not about that other counter.

Now if we had a penny (15 Lebanese Liras) for every opinion given on the Lebanese presidential issue we would've paid off all $45 billion of the Hariri debt and then had some left over to cover the sms voting costs to guarantee the next belly dance champion is 100% Lebanese . Alas all these opinions about the Lebanese presidential elections, from Bush and Sarkozy's to the cab drivers' in the streets of Port-au-Prince, are completely worthless. The only opinions that matter are those of Elie Beik Skaff and his colleagues in Parliament. No , Really! Not Fares Soueid nor Walid Mouallem, Not Mohammed Reza Shibani nor any of the French posse that has been dropping by non stop.

So naturally my opinion doesn't matter either. Not that I've given the issue much thought; especially since my man Skaff can't even run for president. It would save Lebanon a lot of trouble now and in the future if he were to be anointed president for life. Come to think of it he could be the compromise dude. The opposition would accept him because he is one of them, and the Hairirists would love his tendency to sell off property.

In any case I highly doubt they will select a president any time soon. Now Even IF they do pick a punching bag for president; NATO, the Arab League, and FIFA will never be able to agree on Imm Micho's replacement at the Ministry of social affairs.

Vat is it good for?

I've been meaning to write about the presidential selection but I've been waiting for at least one of the candidates to drop by my neck of the woods for a campaign stop. Alas it seems Beirut isn't that important in deciding the outcome of Lebanon's presidential selection. This makes the topic a little painful to talk about, so I end up opting for a less painful activity each time. For example today instead of blogging about the selection I'm getting a couple of teeth pulled.


Speaking of pulling teeth, and if you are a glutton for pain as I am, go read George Corm and Khaled Saghiye's takes on the numbers 6000 and 111%* off Siniora's balance sheet for the year 2005. But then again no one is complaining about these numbers. Not even he who called Harirism a hangman's noose.

Now what baffles me about this issues is that with the sectarian sandbags securing certain people unaccountable god status for generations, wouldn't they have more to steal if they actually allowed for the economy to grow a little? See we as people have proven that we don't care about being robbed clean, so any improvement in the 6000 would end up straight into the coffers that collect the 111%*.

* It's more than two Thirds and also more than 50%+1

Enough....

Everything that has occured over the past 6 weeks is passable. So what if we're having water shortages a few millennia after the assyrians built the first aqueduct system. Just phone the dude with the truck and the giant hose and you'll be able to rinse off the shampoo by mid afternoon. Fires eating through your passport and your hundred thou bill? Just phone the dude with the truck and the giant hose and he'll put it out just in time for the evening news. Presidential Elections not to your liking? Don't phone anyone for you know where the giant hose is gonna end up in this case.

But when Ghalayini's Man'ousheh becomes 500 Liras there is no place for silence. Enough already! Some heads must roll. Sure oil prices are pushing $100 a barrell. And we all know there is a direct corellation between that and man'ousheh cost since Brent's crude is a basic ingredient of Ghalayini's man'ousheh. Also don't underestimate the September 6th raid's effects on the supplies of the yellow cake zaatar used at this corner shop.

Still, for the price to double is a sign that a big economic crisis is looming. See, the average Lebanese worker works 15 hours a day to make ends meet, now if prices double and salaries remain constant like they have been for the past few decades; well this average working Lebanese will need to work 30 hours a day to cover basic expenses.

There's the big hose again.

Siniora Government honors Founders of Civil War militias

Living Martyr Marwan Hmadeh announced today the issuing of new postage stamps honoring the martyrs of Lebanon. What's a better way to honor our fallen heroes than licking their behinds? Not to mention the fun that can be had by matching the destination country with the stamp of the personality it had assassinated (or just vanished in Libya's case.) The government played it the Lebanese way by trying to include martyrs from all sects in the collection, but some groups will argue that they were underrepresented and that Danny Chamoun, Abbass El Mousawi, and Elie Hobeika are just as worthy of a stamp.

Martyrs apparently are a big thing and they deserve to be honored. After all we have over a hundred thousand of them since 1975. Martyrs rank second among our national treasures only trailing Emigrees who number well over a million over the same period of time.

Now if I remember correctly, a good chunk of the one hundred thousand were martyred by what was then known as Militias. Thankfully those are now extinct. While the Kataeb and the PLO were the stars of the 70's, most historians would rank Amal, LF, and PSP militias as the top 3 Lebanese killers of the 80's. Images of the Founders of these 3 militias will now grace your outgoing letters to the emigrants who have sworn off Lebanon because of them.

At Least this is one thing I personally wouldn't have to deal with since I have sworn off Liban Post. They happen to have very pleasant and competent employees which is something I abhor.

Waiting for Saado

I stopped playing video games and joined a gym when the games became more physically demanding than 2 hours on a treadmill. But I am excited these days with the emergence of a sequel to an old time favorite. "Where in the world is Saad El Hariri?" will take you to more exotic locations than the original version with thicker plots and a lot more nonsense.



No, he is not tanning in the Seychelles, nor is he supervising his Aqaba project, nor is he bailing out Mr. Nahhas in Cannes. Saad currently has the honor of being the Saudi king's envoy for resolving the Pakistani crisis between Sharif in London and Musharraf in Islamabad. Meanwhile; here everyone awaits Saad's final word on Berri's initiative, whatever that it is; but we know well that nothing is going to come out from either the initiative or the final word, or Berri or Saad for the matter. No matter what we still gladly play along to get to the next level where it usually gets more challenging and harder to survive.

More Unity and Meeting Points..

The Lebanese are renowned world travelers. You'll find people from Arbet Qozhayya in Barquicimeto, people from Baaloul in Foz Iguazu, and people from Deir Quntar in East LA. But you'll never find the Baalouli in Arbet Qozhayya, or the Deir Quntari in Diddeh, etc... All these ecotourism and piece of paradise packages are just for tourists. That explains why One US presidential candidate visited the the ravaged South, while in the midst of the Lebanese presidential campaigns, none of the candidates has crossed the Ramlet El Baida - Ouzai Line. Why campaign in Marjeyoun, Rashayya, and Akkar, when you can go to Strasbourg and Rome instead?

Speaking of Tourism, a couple of nights ago both New TV and Future's Zaven addressed the issue of prostitution. Some official in the Ministry of tourism was defending the practice by saying that you can't expect to have a tourism industry with a few rocks in Baalbeck and Jbeil, but that's not my issue. I just wanted to share with you my experience on the matter since both reports were shallow and amateurish. On one hand, you had Firas Hatoum asking questions as if he had never heard of sex? "You mean people pay you for sex!?" Oh, the blasphemy. On the other hand, you had Zaven. What I know is that Ras Beirut has more whorehouses, or whatever the politically correct term for whorehouse is, than Amsterdam's red light district. There's Moonlight Cabaret and hotel half a block down from Mourtada Islamic Clothes, so let's not act as if this is a big taboo. Every night a 21:30, one of those buses that sound and drive like Boeing 737s parks in the alley up from Lina's in Hamra and loads tens of colorfully dressed professionals. Quite the show, and you won't find this free attraction listed in "Lebanon for less than $10 a day". If luxury is more your style and you happen to be a single Khaliji guy staying alone at one of our oceanfront hotels, you will most definitely receive an "accidental" call in your room late at night offering you our colleges' finest crop. But prostitution is illegal in Lebanon. So are bikinis by the way.

Speaking of Sex, Shaker El Absi's DNA match with his supposed daughter came out negative. This actually means that Mrs. El Absi now unseats Ahmad Fatfat for the title of most relieved person after the death of El Absi.

Speaking of "some explaining to do", the electric company released a statement yesterday claiming that the latest power outages were due to the effects of high humidity on the grid. Now, I'm not an expert on the subject, so I asked my buddy Andy who is a senior engineer at Florida Power and Light about the validity of the claim. Here's his answer on this one: "Higher humidity than what we have in Miami is probably only possible in the Serengeti and we don't lose power because of that, so that's my answer on that one." Now trying to preempt the next excuse, both my friend and I concurred that bird poop could knock out power for a prolonged period of time.

Speaking of Bird poop, Lebanon's critical Olympic qualifying match against Iraq tomorrow night will be held in an empty stadium. Why? You guessed it, because admitting crowds into the stands endangers national unity.

Presidents, Victories, and Paternity tests….

So many events with little time to comment but I’ll try to briefly cover all major events…

Haifa has a new video out.

Next we move on to the Presidential elections. A common trait among the major candidates that does not endanger national unity is their hair insecurity. Aoun’s comb over is still going strong even with only 3 hairs left to cover the whole territory on top. Having a full head of hair does not make Boutros Harb anymore secure about his looks than the balding General. Despite a history of political grayness, his stance on his hair is unwavering. Harb will live and dye Black. More on the subject later…

Rabih Mroueh’s “How Nancy wished everything was just an April’s fools joke” was shown in Beirut in its entirety and endangering national unity after all. MBC television cameras were there to capture the public reaction to this victory over censorship. Yes the same MBC that censors Raymond kissing Deborah. Back to “Nancy”; it’s a shame that it got all this press for the wrong reasons because this superbly written act is the best thing to hit the Beirut stage since the Lebanonization of Eric Emmanuel Schmitt’s Enigma Variations.

Finally, the military operations stage of the Naher El Bared ordeal is finally over. The politicians are all calling for uncovering the truth behind Fatah El Islam as they all think it will provide them with ammo against their foes. Of course, nothing will come out of these calls as we are in Lebanon where investigations are avoided because they endanger national unity. The only way we can find out who really was behind the funding and nurturing of Fatah El Islam is to resort to Maury Povich. Here I’m picturing Saad, 34, high-fiving the audience and being held back from Wiam, 40 some: “Told you @#$%^ I ain’t their @#$%^ sugar daddy, HO, HO, you @#%%# @$%#^ HO!!”