You can't spell "Tante min el Achrafiyeh" without TNT in el Achrafiyeh

My friend in the garbage business tells me that we recycle 6% of our garbage, that includes all of our political class. That means we have a 94% margin of improvement since Zero waste is possible with today's technology. Not only is it possible, it is doable at a much lower cost than we pay Sukleen (whose owners shall remain anonymous) to basically just relocate Beirut's garbage to abandoned villages.

Speaking of garbage diposal, every couple of days someone decides to quit an old vice and dispose of his supply of TNT in the nearest dumpster. Now that's a commendable act but it is causing a bit of panic in the neighborhood. Shouldn't we encourage these repentant souls by providing them with safe ways to get rid of their hazardous material? Is TNT recyclable? I'm sure we can we turn it into biodegradable toilet paper, or wassabi, or something. We can equip recycling bins with voting booth style curtains to protect the anonymity of recyclers, that way you can't tell if they're dumping Paper, Glass, or good old TNT.

Action must be taken, we are sitting on thousands of tons, metric and nautical, of this stuff; if you doubt that go look under the layer of soil in that plant pot hanging off your balcony. We might as well put it to good use. It might be enough to wipe out the national debt, or the whole city, or something.

Fill in the Blanks

الزعيم 1: رح بقّ البحصة
الزعيم 2: بقها بقى للبحصة
المواطن: أكلناها.......

الزعيم 2: أنا عندي 10 بحصات
الزعيم 1: فتاح كسارة
المواطن: أكلناها.......


للأجوبة الصحيحة إقلب الشاشة

Vanity

Only in the streets of Beirut do Cats strut their stuff and pose shamelessly for the camera lense...

... but then again it is February.

$$$التويني:المؤامرة اسرائيلية$$$ معالي التانت ام ميشال: النظام السوري قتل الشهيد$$$ معالي التانت ام ميشال:مستمرة$$$ السيد علي الامين:حتى زوجتي تحب السيد حسن أكثر مني$$$دوري شمعون:حتى زوجة السيد علي الامين تحب السيد حسن أكثر منه$$$كارلوس اده:فاجأناكم مووويتوأوبريغادو سامبا دو جانيرو$$$كارلوس: في خيار و كانتون و فوتبول و باسكتبول$$$كارلوس:هون و هونيك و عون و عونيك$$$كارلوس: ما تحطوا خياركن هونيك عند عون حطوا خياركن فيّي$$$كارلوس: لكم خياركم و لي الكوسا$$$الياس عطالله:يا سفاحين... عاش لبنان$$$بطرس حرب:بتلبقلي الرئاسة ما هيك؟$$$حرب: جينا اليوم $$$اوغاسبيان:الحقيقة تركيا أولاً إذا بتعملني وزير$$$باسم السبع:ليلة البارحة شفت باب الجنة و كلن فقعانين ضحك$$$رفيق بهاء الدين الحريري يخاطب الشعب عبر باسم السبع$$$ باسم السبع:والله هذا الخطاب لازم يدفعولي عليه شي مليون مينيموم ولا حتى حسن صبرا ببوس طياز متلي$$$نسيب لحود: ضبوا الخيم بدنا نروح عالبودا بار$$$الصفدي ما قال شيءلم يقال من قبل$$$كلمة الرئيس الاعلى لرؤساء العلى الكتائبيين: انا اتناول الغذاء مع العلي العالي بوش فإليكم نائبا عني لا رئيس ولا عالي$$$أرزة بشري: الله قوات حكيم و بس$$$أرزة بشري: قالوا و قلناالخيل و الليل والبيداء تعرفنا$$$أرزة بشري: مقاومة مقاومة مقاومة$$$أرزة: هي و يلا لحود طلاع برة$$$أرزة: لا يحاولنّ أحدٌ$$$الزعيم الوطني أبو تيمور: يا أشرف الرجال و مع الرجال رجال $$$الزعيم:أعطنا الصواريخ و خذوا التبن والشعير$$$ الزعيم:يا وحشا يا قرد يا من انصاف الرجال$$$الزعيم: المحكمة آتية و معها حكم الاعدام و عشتم و عاش لبنان$$$السعد:ممممم آه مممم آآآه مممممممممممم$$$السعد: شكراُ$$$السعد:ممممممممممممممم شكراًآآآه$$$السعد: شكراً شكراً شكراً وشكراً$$$ السعد: للمنية و عكار و سير الضنية و كسروان والمتن و عرسال بيروت الاشرفية و بيروت الروشة و بيروت الطريق الجديدة شكراً شكراً شكراً و شكراً$$$السعد:ممممممممممم واثقون آآآآآآه المحكمة الدولية شكراً معنا$$$ موقع جمال للبروباغندا يدعو جميع القراء الى المشاركة الكثيفة$$$مزارع شومان تقدم بيضة بلدية طازجة لكل من يشارك بكثافة$$$برج الثور يتمنّى لبرج الميزان يوم حب كثيف$$$ابو ابراهيم الخضرجي يدعو محبي السلطة الى المشاركة الكثيفة $$$ الانصار يبتعد في صدارة الدوري$$$ المواطن عبدو فقد جواز سفره الرجاء ممن يجده التبرع بالدم فئة ألف باء بوبايي$$$كس إخت هل حالة$$$ للمزيد من وجع الرأس دور التلفزيون على اي محطة$$$ آل وقيل يدعون جميع أفراد العائلة الى المشاركة الكثيفة$$$ جمعية تجار الاكسترا بوروجو تدعو الجميع الى المشاركة الكثيفة$$$ أنا وأخي على ابن عمي أنا و ابن عمي عالغريب$$$ وحّدوه$$$

Stay Updated on today's speeches

on the propaganda ticker above..

Billboard Review

مشوار عجل الديب بيعرضك لشي ثلاث ملايين و نصف "بانو" اعلاني. (أكتر من 95% منُّن منتصب و منصوب بشكل غير قانوني، بس حطّ بالخرج مين بيحكي بالقانون بهل أيام.) هلّق إذا جمعنا كل هل رسائل بمجلّد واحد. بيطلع معنا جوهرة أدبية بتوصفلنا واقع الحضارة اللبنانية. رح وفّر عليكن الوقت والبنزين و أعطيكن الكليف نوتس.

الحملة الجديدة لمحبّي الحياة بتقول: "باقي هون"، و بعدين بيزهق و بيغيّر رأيو لا مش باقي هون،"نازل عالشغل"، "رايح إسهر"، "راجع من السفر"...فتبيّن إنّو محبّي الحياة كلّن رجال ما في نسوان "رايحة تسهر" أو "نازلة عالشغل" مثلاً. رجال بتحب تسهر من جهة و من الجهة التانية عندك قوس قزح! ما حدا مبسوط بهل البلد قد جماعة حلم.

بعيداً عن الألوان سقط شي بالباراشوت بالأبيض والأسود بلا وجه و بلا قفى إسمو 11 آزاغ. بيقولو إنّو هنّي بالنص. طب بس إذا 8 زبالة و 14 مجارير أجلكن، هلّق إنتو لي بالنص ما بتكون طالعة ريحتكن؟

وأخيراً في الذكرى..."عن جدّ اشتقنالك".
هلّق السنة الماضية كانت "اشتقنالك" حاف عالناشف.
فشو معقول تكون السنة الجاي؟ "عن جدّ عن جدّ اشتقنالك ولوووو"؟

Maroun El Ras in the News Again

Not much to say, actually plenty to say but no time to do so. So here is how Maroun looked a few weeks ago from the center of Bint Jbeil.

Note: Comments will be moderated until Papa and Mamma Occupation hire a new babysitter.

Pro War? Say Aye!

So far we have:

Children against war
Mothers against war
Desperate housewives against war
War veterans against war
Someone with no one against war
March 11th against war
Most calendar days against war
Billboards against war
I love life clearly against war
I love life with conditions also against war
TV clips against war
Fatwas against war
Haifas against war
Human chains against war
Chain letters against war
Youtube clips against war
Newspaper ads against war
Blogs against war
Honor pacts against war
Bumper stickers against war
.
.
.

Come on pro war crowd. Express yourself against the against war monopoly of propaganda. Do something!

Loving Life one day at a time

Things in Beirut are now Calm. Beirut Calm, off course, which is not to ever be confused with serenity calm. "Now" must also be taken in the Beirut sense of the word. Now means literally Now. This moment. Now is different from... Now. We are living the "Live the Moment" cliche.

Short term planning has been reduced to spur of the moment decisions. Dinner tonight is a long term plan. Your reservations are a Tic-o-tac ticket. You might feast, but more likely you'll stay hungry. Too many variables could change between now, lunchtime, and then, dinner time.

While planning a weekend trip for next weekend would be considered too short a notice in most parts of the world, these days here it is called ambition. I aspire to watch the Superbowl sunday night. I have a dream ... of a Wednesday hump.

Next month? Next year? Are you fucking kidding me? That's the afterlife, you go on doing things as you see right and hope that in the end your faith won't let you down.

This chaotic life style is too much to handle for most normal people. But we always say that Lebanon is abnormal, I mean a Special little country.

Voting a la Libanaise

.

Here I am 3 days into an online voting campaign and I'm already exhibiting typical Lebanese politician behavior. I'm becoming evil.

I've made tons of promises that I know I won't and can't possibly keep. I'm asking people to vote for me based on friendship and national pride regardless of whether they think my submitted article is good or bad. Actually I doubt many have even read it. I've hypocritically asking for support from people whom I usually evade. I'm buying votes with beer and other incentives; Cellphone recharge cards and gas coupons are still in the works. I'm using other people's tragedies to gain myself sympathy votes. By the way I've heard that if you vote that you liked my article it might lead you to a nude picture of Charlize Theron and Angelina Jolie making out. I'm so blinded by winning that I wouldn't mind spending more than the laptop's worth just to win. My campaign managers are doing a great job, but please don't tell them their payment checks will bounce, I really appreciate their work. Where is Ghazi Kenaan when you need him, he would've gerrymandered me into an easy win.

In my defense though, it is an awesome looking laptop. It's Black AND White at the same time. Apple might have colors, but here we have the first example of e-racial harmony. It has a rotating screen! That means you can actually type while staring at the back of the screen. How uselessly cool is that? You can type a whole page, nay, a whole book that way and then "Ba'ousseee" you find out you were typing all this in wingding font.

With 4 days to go, I have not started a smear campaign against my foe yet. I haven't sank that low yet, but at the rate I'm going that might come tomorrow.

HELP!!

Saturday Night at the Movies 2

It seems like every time I go to the movie theater to check out one of Hollywood's latest creations I bump into one or more, much more, of my fellow bloggers. It could be just coincidence, after all this is a tiny "country". But after looking at a list of the top 20 movies at the Lebanese Box Office for 2006, something leaped out. The Lebanese cinema frequenting crowd is miniscule. The average viewership for the top 20 movies of the year is around 40,000 or roughly 1% of the population. That's for the top 20 movies, so the number of regular movie goers is smaller. This puts me and the other Lebanese bloggers in this 1% of the population, so how representative of Lebanon can we possibly be?

Personally, I dread each time I must go to Haret Hreik, Tareek Jdideh, or Burj Hammoud. The tight roads and the pedestrian and scooterized masses there make driving a nightmare even in Lebanese road standards. I've only been once to the Buj Brajneh Refugee camp, Tareek Jdideh's alleys look like the autobahn compared to the roads there. I've never been to Nabatiyeh, Jizzeen, Hasbaya, Rashaya, Akkar, or Hermel. I'm trying to get my friends in the 1% to win me a laptop in an online vote, by the way don't forget to vote for me again today and every day .

But what do I know about the other 99% of Lebanon. What do you?

On the Verge of War

With Lebanon on the verge of war, I have plenty of specimens of evil around to examine and determine whether people are born that way or whether evil is an acquired taste just like caviar.

The streets of Beirut have showcased a plethora of evil the past few days. So surely I can go to one of the rooftop snipers ask him to lay on a couch, carress his hair, and listen to him open up to me about the trauma he suffered when he walked in on his dad cheating on his mom with his 1st grade English teacher whom he had a crush on and had spent all his allowance buying apples for. Weren't apples also involved in the original sin? Hmm... But no, that can't be it, I'm sure Mother Teresa had an apple or two growing up and she turned out OK.

We must dig deeper and younger. At risk of sounding pedophiliac, I think we must check out the babies at the maternity ward for answers. These little angels can't be evil. Sure they scream all night, but have you seen the face of that nurse? Also, they were so eager to be born and now they find out they have to wait a year to walk, 2 to talk, 3 to open the fridge, at least 5 to reach the chocolate shelf, over 15 years to get laid, and 21 years to buy a freaking beer. That is evil.

Alas, these little angels aren't so innocent. All you have to do is look at them a day earlier, the moment they were born. Look at the faces of their mothers pushing, sweating, and crying.

A cow drops a calf effortlessly. Hens' eggs are a dime a dozen.

Only pure evil would pay back the mother that carried them in her womb for 9 patient months with pain and agony.

So there you have it, it doesn't get more scientific than this.



*This post was in response to "Are people born evil?" on Love to Lead's Competition. Visit the website where you can read other bloggers' answers after you vote for me. I'm badly in need of a new laptop. You might also win one if you vote for me.

From Lebanon M16

Civil wars

Sure civil wars do take place elsewhere, but no other land can claim a civil war or two per generation. There are even accounts of civil wars that predate the "modern" man, when the sheep and goats locked horns over a watering hole in the Southern Metn region. The war occured shortly after the discovery of fire which led to the second most important discovery in history: Barbecue. Homo Cheframzien then became the first registered case of obesity.

Then came man and his wars. First war on record was between the clockwise and anti-clockwise dabke dancers. As all subsquent wars, there were no winners in this conflict. Both camps held ground with boots firmly in place and signed the first national reconcilaition under the auspices of the Roman Caracalla family which then privatized and monopolized dabke for eterntiy.

With the arrival of God, civil wars became just too easy as you no longer needed to find a reason to fight as God will always be on your side. The rest is history.

With that said, I promise you there will not be a civil war this time around. If I'm wrong you can shoot me.

من وحي المناسبة: شحّادين يا بلدنا

*This post is recycled from a year ago as nothing has changed over the past year, or 40 for that matter. You can download a version of the song sang by horny teenagers via this link.

Shoushou sang it 40 years ago, and since we love tradition so much we still sing the same tune today.

Beggars are usually crackheads or alkies that need their fix. Not here. In Lebanon begging is an artform, a career opportunity, a status symbol.

There are of course the street beggars which range in age between 1 and 100. They are expert racial profilers and speak exclusively in rhymes. Body disfigurement, systematic avoidance of showers, and malnourishment are their strongest weapons. The more experienced of them only work summers. They shed their suits and hit the streets where they can avoid wasting time on the cheap locals and focus on the deep tourist pockets, thus yielding much higher productivity. They conduct weekly gatherings for Friday prayers. NO, not in mosques but just outside.

Institutionalized begging is also common. To get involved in this field though you have to be a middle aged man of the cloth. They too speak exclusively in rhyme, but they do occasionally shower. God, orphans, and eternal damnation are their keys to open checkbooks. They host Friday prayers.

Now being a millionaire or even a billionaire shall not stop you from kindly begging for more.
Begging conferences are usually at the fanciest resorts. Hors d'oeuvre and champagne constantly flow. Surely they only beg for the poor. Someone has to fight poverty, and they make great sacrifices to raise fight for that cause. God bless them. Some rhyme in their speech, but a whole lot of slime. Friday prayers? Only in election campaign season.

Back to Shoushou, 40 years ago he also sang:

نحنا حراميّي زغار، و هنّي كبار كبار

What does he know, he's just a clown.

Comments on a Normal Tuesday

I woke up to quieter than normal streets. Anyone who's been to Hamra knows what normal noise level is here; it's usually between Jet Engine level and a Fran Drescher shriek. So I turned on the TV to find a reporter on the streets of Beirut informing us how it is a normal day across town and how all roads and businesses are open. He sounded convincing except in the background you didn't see people or cars instead you saw a dark cloud of smoke. How could I possibly know the Truth of what is going on. I could switch the channel, this isn't Syria or Saudi Arabia or any other Arab country, we do have other non-state controlled and very free media (except for New TV which is not free because it is not protected by a militia).

So I switched the channel and at 8 am Samir Geagea was already declaring that the army and the security forces have failed at their jobs (accusations that were rapidly echoed by other Bristol troop figures) and unleashed his new generation of black clad thugs to take things into their own hands. So the army that had its arms full already with Lebanon's largest civil disobedience movement, now had the added burden of fending off thugs looking for trouble. I didn't like that scene so I switched back to the other TV station with which, as I found out yesterday, shares my habit of daydreaming and a hatred for Naser Qandil.

At the end of the chaotic day calm was restored. 3 people were dead and a hundred or so injured which is tragic; but given that the whole country( and not any country) was engulfed in street fights involving guns, I must say the army and the security forces did a commendable job. If riots of this scale broke out in any American city, the amount of deaths and injuries would have been multiple times more, not to mention the looting that would have hapened.

Kudos to the army and friends for doing a tremendous job at averting disaster, despite what some ungrateful bastards are promoting for narrow personal political gains.

Spot the 10 Mistakes

Long before Sudoku, the entertainment page in the newspaper used to feature a spot the mistakes picture. Let's see how well you can do with spotting blunt discrimination in this ad for MEA which is unequivocally not an equal opportunity employer.

Click on picture for larger image.

خطاب زقّف تقلّك

خطاب زقّف تقلّك

بعد كم يوم رح يطلّ علينا قائد العالم الحرّ والمعتدل بس مش سكاندينافيا و روسيا و كندا لإنّو رب ربّك ما بيتحمّل بردات كانون بهيديك البلاد.
رح يطلع و يبلّش يعدّ انجزات وانتاجات السنة (على سيرة الإنجازات والانتاجات لهل سنة، في حدا يقلّي شو صابو لزياد الرحباني (ر) بال2006 ؟ هيئتو اكتشف الفياغرا. إنّو معلوماتي مش أكيدة بس صحصح من النوم و كتّر، بيانات عراديوات، و بيانوات لبعد نص ليل، و مقالات و مهرجنات،يا إلاه، يا لطيف...ة. هاي بنرجعلا بعدين) بنرجع لبوش لي دحرج روس، و يمكن قتل حدا مهم بالصومال، هيدا لي يمكن كان إلو دعوة بتفجيرات السفارات بال98 ، و راح يشدّد على هالنقطة ليفرجي إنّو شطّور مش متل كلينتون يلي كان عم بيغزّ بمونيكا لمّا صارت غزوة أفريقيا.
على كلّن، لي بيميّز خطاب حالة الإتّحاد عن غيرو هو التزقيف. إنّو ولا مرّة طلع رئيس أميركاني وقال: يا جماعة الحالة خرى. أو خرة؟ ألف مقصورة أو تا مربوطة؟ هيدي ما علّمني إيّاها إيلي ماروني، أستاذي لاللّغة العربيّة سابقاً و زعيم الكتائب بزحلة حاليّاً رغم إنّو كان يعلّم فصحى. خلص بنسأل البطريرك بما أنّو هو الخبير. خبير بالتا المربوطة ، ما تسببولي مشاكل سوء تفاهم هلّق، سيدنا البطرق بيشدّّ بلفظة التا المربوطة: حكومةّ وحدةّ وطنيةّ، هيدا كان قصدي. المهم، بنرجع عالموضوع الرئيسي الرئاسي. الرئيس لي بيحظى برضى تلت شعبو و تلت شعبنا رح يطلع يوعظ كيف اتّحادو قوي و متين و بيلقى دعك و جسمو لبّيس و مزدهر و جغل و سكسي ماكسيموم. و رح يزقفولو جماعتو تزقيف مبرمج و منسّق و مترجم و مدبلج ما في متلو إلاّ بالشام. الحرب تزقيف، الضمان الاجتماعي تزقيف، دسبريت هاوس وايفز تزقيف و تهييص. بس الفرق بين الديموقراطيّة الهوليووديّة النموذجيّة و الديموقراطيات الشقيقة هو إنّو هونيك بيضلّو من وقت لي بيخلص بوش لتلتي لوقت ما يبلّش السوبربول لي هو أهمّ حدث رياضي عندن يعني متل أطول أوف بالأوّل علLBC عنّا، بيضلّو عم بيحلّلو. لا مش الخطاب، ... التزقيف.

كلّ محطّات التلفزة والإذاعة والمطبوعات رح تخبّرنا و تبشّرنا كم مرّة زقّفولو لقبضاي زمانو و قدّيش كان معدّل طول و عرض كل زقفة. و رح يطلعلنا شي صحافي حاطومي بيحب ينكش أكتر من غيرو ليحسبلنا كم ديسيبل كانت كل زقفة من إيام ما اخترع الكسندر غراهام بل الصوت لليوم.

خلاصة الموضوع، حضروا حالكن، في حرب جديدة بالمنطقة لإنو الحقيقة كلنا زهقنا من العراق.

Le Fatwa

Here are my Two Cents about Paris Trois, or Two Billion Dollars for that matter, at the end of the day it's all the same.

First of all, the Siniora Reform Plan is not reform or a plan, let's call it what it is a to do list. While I appreciate the work of the world bank intern who worte the list, it's more than most Lebanese public servants have ever done for the country, but it does not address any of the problems of the Lebanese abyss of public funds known as Government.

The Lebanese Economy is bleeding extensively from its severed extremities, and the proposed cure is a Band Aid Bandage. (Siniora's office just issued a statement and billboards assuringthe Lebanese people that they will get a Full Box of Band Aid, and maybe even a whole case if the opposition goes home.)

The Lebanese Economy's health is comparable to that of Ariel Sharon, so drastic measures are needed to salvage it. The Siniora reform plan simply does not do that. It will deepen the problem and then force the Lebanese to sell off all they had and still have the same problems down the road.

Higher taxes, privatization, and longer work hours are not necessarily bad, they might be necessary, but adopting these measures right now would be disasterous. It would be a reward to those who got us into this dilemma in the first place.

Let's start with the tax hike. I'll spare you all the talk about poor people being hit the worst, and all the political exploitation that the lame opposition is practicing. Any tax hike, and especially when it's an extreme 50% tax hike, should be accompanied with detailed transparent accounting of how this extra income will be spent. Funding the debt service is fine and dandy, but how about more details especially when this debt wreaks of conflict of interest. Is it really in Hariri inc.'s favor to lower the debt when they are ultimately getting a good healthy chunk of the debt servicing through their generous financial institutions. Ok, I'll keep it short and simple since these issues could go on and on.

Privatization, or more accurately Harirization, of Public properties, usually helps improve services by distancing them from the cancer of government bureaucracy. So far no problem looking at it from rightist economics. Let's look at the electric company for example. I don't buy the excuse that the problem is unfixable because the employees are politically protected, because we know that the decision to privatize the company can not pass without the political green light from the same people protecting these employees. So if Privatization is an option, then cleaning up the company should also be a viable option given there is a will to do so, since it is the same political obstacle that faces both options. Fix some of the problems and then sell off at a higher price, but the problem becomes when the potential buyer also signs for the seller in the sales transaction, would he be interested in getting the most for the people out of the sale or would he want to get a low price on the purchase.

4 extra work hours a week will increase productivity. Oh really? That shows you that Mr. Soiniora has not been to any government office. How will 4 extra hours of Solitaire help productivity? These extra hours will be punishment to the handful of workers who do actually earn their paycheck, as for the rest which are the grand majority, well they are probably rotfloling at this suggestion.

Anyways, this nonreform plan is disasterous for Lebanon, catastrophic actually and the people should prevent these commitments from being undertaken at any price. The opposition has not provided an alternative plan yet, and thus are actually acting as alibis to this robbery. Well some of the opposition figures are partners in crime with Hariri Inc. so no surprises there.

To stop this heist I hereby issue a fatwa that:
1.) any action the Lebanese people take to stop this robbery, including the breaking in and liberation of the Grand Serail, is legitimate self defense.
2.) the Lebanese people are entitled to reclaim their robbed funds in any way and as many ways they see fit; whether by robbing banks, pickpocketing Randa Berri, or just stealing grapes from the Kefraya Vineyards.

Wa 3ushtum, wa 3asha Lubnan.

What's Hanging

So I finally snapped out of my annual end of annus depression. Well, more like my depressed anus (scientific name: Lazy ass) was slapped out of it, and thankfully so.Anyways, back to business.

The Best of 2006 awards post was on a piece of paper in my back pocket, somehow it got wet and turned into one of these Rorschach inkblots which pretty much is a perfect depiction of 2006. I might attempt to recreate it, but first I must answer the question that is on everyone's mind:

What do Akil Bros, the Muslim Brotherhood, and Mayez El Bayyaa' have in common?

They all have banners with their signatures hanging in the streets of Beirut.
Why pay Pikasso for the use of their mostly illegal billboards when you can hang your own mostly illegal banner off your balcony, off the phone, the mostly illegal cable, mostly illegal internet, a laundry, or a high voltage electric line. Aside from serving as rest stops for migrating city birds (and where else could resting pigeons do their thing and wipe up in the same convenient place), Banners feature messages. Remember when it was the pigeons that actually carried the messages and the other way around? Anyways… while the messages may vary, the ropes and wires tangle is always the same.

Akil and his kin use banners to advertise 90% sales and/or remind passersby that the shop is 50m down the street. The Muslim Brotherhood and other religious fraternities constantly like to remind you about the virtues of religion since people in Lebanon aren't exposed to enough religious preaching. Politicians like Dory Chamoun and Kamal Shatila try to compensate for their lack of support on the streets with hovering banner support. As for the regular folk and Mayez El Bayyaa', they use street banners to kiss the ass of their Zaeem, dead , alive, or absent, in hopes of earning brownie points. The king of ass kissers, or should it be the queen, is a guy by the name of Wajih El Damerji. Unlike some amateurs cram multiple lines of brownnosing on their banners; Wajih El Damerji has perfected one-liner praise banner and spread it by the hundreds all over town. Damerji has actually taken it one step further, while 90% of his smooching is directed at one target, he made sure to reserve 10% of his kisses for other cheeks…just in case.

At the end of the day, street banners are another valuable free speech tool, albeit a free speech tool for those annoying people and singer whose speech you've always tried to avoid.

Fakes

Saturday Night at the Movies

Banking Secrecy (Politics Free)

Banking facilities in Lebanon are world class. But don't be fooled by the spotless sparkling floors, fancy chandeliers, impeccably dressed employees, and the priceless historic artifacts that adorn the lobby, that's all just a facade. What really keeps our banks going and pumping money into all the patriotic feel good ad campaigns you see on TV and just before the feature presentatrion at the movies is not phoenecian financial whizzery but rather a precious little thing of ours that we call banking secrecy. Banking secrecy involves plenty of questionable business ethics; though that's a different issue for a different day because as advertised this post is politics free.

I was just someone that wanted to cash a measly little check for $90 that was rotting in my pocket when I stumbled upon Bank X, well Bank X and X to be more precise and we'll leave at that because again any extra information I provide could be interpreted as a political attack and I wouldn't do that. So I approach one of the six idle tellers, being the only customer in the place I had my choice; so I chose the experienced looking one against my male instincts of heading towards the cute one who seemed too entrenched in gossip to be bothered. Anywhere else in the world, you usually find a long line of customers waiting for an overworked teller to be free to process your transaction. You estimate that your bank visit will take about 20 minutes, 15 in line and 5 for the transaction. So with the tellers outnumbering the customers, me, 6 to 1; and having the simple transaction of cashing a $90 check I assumed I'd be out in 5 minutes max. Well, I was wrong. I was fooled by the flat screens and the marble counter. The fun had just commenced ...

The Teller, who will be now known as #1 for tracking purposes, took a look at the check, punched a few keys on her computer, filled up a form by hand, and printed another form, which she stapled to the rest of the paperwork. #1 stands up and walks over to #2, a middle aged man who was just bragging how he completed the Medium Level of Spider Solitaire sucessfully. #2 takes a look at all papers nods and signs and directs her towards #3, a higher up with an individual glass bowl office. Meanwhile #4, the cute teller, and #5, her bleach blond gossip partner, are getting annoyingly loud and were shushed by #6, the office dork who takes his paper shuffling job seriously. #1's phone rings, it was her daughter who just got back from school, the food was ready in the fridge and just needed reheating. #1 writes down my phone number and full address on the back of the check.That was a bit of a challenge since I don't really know if the street and/or the building that I live in even have a name, "Hamra 5th floor" didn't quite cut it. #1 stood up again and went across the room to the only smart efficient being in the building, #7, the photocopy machine. #1 came back only to be intercepted by #8, a gum chewing fully made up lady, who reminded her that she needed to photocopy the back of the check too. Note that the choice of the word "lady" was also to keep this post politics-free. #7 does the job again. #1 informs me that they have to phone the issuer of the check and that it will only take a couple of minutes. #8 was in charge of the phone call, she called and asked for the owner of the company, who happened to be in a meeting. I intervened in an effort to expedite the process, you know after all I have studied productiviy at one of the Top 7 Industrial Engineering programs in the Southeast. I suggested she calls the accountant since I doubt the owner of the company is aware of a petty $90 check. #8, the lady she is, prefered talking to the boss directly.

At this point, I was a bit ... let's just say I was overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions. After 5 minutes of #8 waiting for the owner of the check's issuing company to return her urgent call, #2 noticed that I've been standing there for the duration of a few Spider Solitaire rounds and urged #8 to "help the poor man." #8 then called again and this time she did talk to the accountant.

All in all, Bank X and X spent a combined 20 manhours of work processing this $90 check, but here's the clincher: the check was NOT cashed and I was asked to deposit it in my bank account. So more people and more time are needed for processing my $90 check, well $89 since my bank discounted a $1 processing fee, you know all these people don't work for free.

So how can a financial institution with the efficiency of the Panamanian Department of Motor Vehicles strive and splurge in a deadbeat economy?

Hey, it's a secret.

ميشال أفندي

يا حضرة الجنرال العماد الدولة والرئيس والاصلاح والتغيير وكل شي،
يا أشرف الناس و أكرم الناس و أعزّ الناس و يا أحلى عالم إنت،
بدّك رئاسة الجمهوريّة؟ لك خوذ الرئاسات التلاتة و فوقن العرش الملكي الهاشمي الاردني و حبّة مسك إذا بدّك،
هلّقتنيّي صارفي إجماع وطني عهَل قضيّة، اسلام و مسيحيّة ، دروز و شيعة و سنّية.بس في شرط واحد.
بليز ، برحمة إمّك و بيّك ، بحياة لي راحوا ولّي رح يرجعوا، بنبَوّس ايديك وإجريك. إحرُق التياب لي كنت لابسها نهار الاحد الماضي! شو كاين عمبتفكّر؟ لك عيب ، في مليون واحد شافوك . منظرك كان من اساليب التعذيب المحظورة بالمعاهدات الدوليّة ، لا بغوانتانامو ولا بأبو غريب ولا حتّى بالمزّة عملوها هيدي. لو أولمرت تجرّأ و طلع هيك بالحرب كانوا انبطحوا رجال الله في الميدان و يعطيك العافية. جماعة كوير آي قلبوا سترايت واعتزلوا المهنة بس شافوك كيا زلمي.
صارلو البلد يومين تلاتة متل المضروب عراسو من صدمة هالشوفة، لك حتّى الإكسترا بوروجو ما عم ينفع.
بشرفك ما بقى تعيدا.

متفرقات

- زافين و 666 من أجل لبنان
أنا كنت شاكك في لهلشخص من زمان
هلّق عرفت ليش بيتزرزع بدني كل ما شوفو

- أنا بحترم خالد صاغية، هو أوّل واحد بقرالو مقالتو بالأخبار بعد ما إخلص من جوزيف سماحة ، وبعد زياد لمّا يكتب، و بعد الأبراج أكيد.
بس عم لاحظ إنو كل ما أكتب عن موضوع، هو بيكتب عن نفس الموضوع (آخر مثال كان كذبة الأزعور). فعمبتسائَل هل يا ترى هيدا لانّو طاغي علينا الفكر الشمولي لي عم بيبشّرنا في بيك كليمنصو؟

- و أخيراً أغنية مهداة لملهم هلبوست يطول عمرو.

Check Mate

Day 13 of the opposition's sit in has passed and still no change is sight, especially now that Amr Moussa is in charge. Has Amr Moussa ever been successful at anything?
In my humble opinion, well maybe not so humble, the opposition demands are just not enough. While I'm not to quick to adopt the "One Million" figure, even though Fisk dropped the "Two Million" bomb, it is quite clear that at least an equal number of people took to the streets to protest Siniora as did to protest 30 years of brotherly/sisterly oppression. So according to the people, which in democracies...OK ...OK... I know Democracy is sooo last year, this year is all about Moderation; But still the people are at least as as angry at this government as they were with Ghazi Kanaan's and that is a quite telling fact regardless of what deals are being tailored around the actual demands of the people.

Now I'm not a moderate, at least not by this year's definition of the word, I'm clearly an extremist as I see the opposition's demand as too lame and well ... moderate. People did not march in hundreds of thousands for a national unity government with the same old faces, they marched for change. They want to move forward, or backward that's debatable, but to move regardless. With that said, I do understand the opposition's walking on eggs approach. There are too many scary scenarios, sectarian strife being possibly the least scary of them, that must be averted. The fragility of the situation in Lebanon has pushed them towards the "moderate" to avoid the heinous distinction of "democratic" which is a shame because they do have a strong and rightful case that they are fumbling away.

On the other hand, which would be the no shame hand, Siniora continues to burry his head in sand and xanax while counting on his friend and Fatfat to bail him out. I must stop and wonder about Fatfat for a second. This summer while he was the acting Minister of Interior our National Basketball team had a very respectable showing at the World Championship including a win against France, now that he has reassumed his role as Sports and Youth Minister we lose 4 straight games at the Asian Games including a loss against none other than Borat's home team; must be the Marjeyoun Zone Defense. Off course, Siniora does have another option. He can actually choose to listen to his people but that would set a bad precedent for the region.

As many regional implications as this movement might have, make no mistake that these people who took to the streets are for the most part a bunch of genuinely disgruntled citizens. No one should take them lightly or dismiss them as mere pawns as some of the kings, bishops, and rooks are doing.

Tis the Season to be Jolly...

بالعربي المُشَبرَحِ

قال "بدّن يرجعوكن لورا"

ليش بعد في "لورا" لنرجعلا ، ما حرقتولا نفسا ل"لورا"

بتذكروا دعاية التيكو من شي عشرين سنة؟ بتذكروا التيكو اصلاً؟ الالتيكو كان الكرايزي غلو تبع هيديك الإيّام، الاصبع كان ينفع لاستعمال واحد موحّد و يعطيك العافية، المهمّ، كان في مرا عم بتفرفر لإنّو التيكو لزّقها عالباب. ايه هيك حالتنا اليوم، قفانا ملزّق بحيط عمبن فرفر و اصلاً ما فينا نشوف "لورا" ما بنعرف كيف خلقة حضرة جنابا، لك حتّى جناب ما فينا نشوف. محشورين بزاوية و بتقلّي "لورا"

هيدا رجل الدولة من قبل ما يصير رجل من لمّا كان بعدو بس وزير دولة لشؤون المصاري و هوّي عم بيدفش فينا "لورا" بدّك بعد أزَعوَر من ستّين الف مليار ليرا "لورا"؟

لك حتّى شوف بلاكين جيرانك بالبلس غاردن شوف، ولا علم لا فوقك ولا تحتك ولا "لوراك" . بدّك اياهن يعلقولك اعلام؟ لك روبة ما بقى يعيروك الجماعة.

قال "بدّن يرجعوكن لورا"

الله يرحما "لورا"

ملاحظة: رح إتغاضا ال"بدّن" وال"يرجعوكن" وكل معانيهن لإنّو يمكن ما كان قصدن هيك. يمكن. بس "لورا" ما فيها اي التباس ولا لباس الحمدالله، بالزلط متل ما الله خالقها.

Argileh, Cotton Candy, Dabke, Balloons,and Wiam Wahhab.

If anyone is counting on the Pro-National Unity Government protestors(known as Pro-Syrians in the American press) to get bored and go home, they better rethink their strategy as the entertainment options Downtown are never ending. (A new strategy might be to shoot at people to keep them from expressing themselves.) Some of the protestors are having more fun than they've ever had, even though they still haven't made it past the velvet rope at Buddha Bar and Asia. Kaak, Corn on the Cob, Concerts, Ice Cream Trucks, and Fortune tellers line up the open areas of Downtown Beirut. The opposition is prepared to squat for a long time. No one can question the Lebanese abilitites at squatting as only our southern neighbors can rival us in that department.

Meanwhile, the ruling coallition including those who constantly mock the notion of "Divinity" are getting religious, opening all channels of communications with God in their squatting bid. I wonder if Bassam Abu Zaid asked those at the Grand Serail mass for their IDs. I also wonder if Bassam Abu Zaid has previous experience asking for IDs. I'm not pointing any fingers....just wondering.

On a different front, Lebanon won its first medal in the ongoing Asian Games in the half-Lebanese, or is it one eighth Lebanese, city of Doha. I won't mention what event we medaled in because we don't need that reputation right now.

On a final note, does anyone know if London's Serious Fraud Office is available as a franchise?

UPDATE: Future TV's news ticker reports that the residents of the alley that runs behind the gas station deny that they denied Future TV's earlier claim that the above mentioned citizens denied Manar TV's ticker report that they denied the earlier Future news ticker item that they support the government.

Little Tidbits

Sports and Youth Minister Ahmad Fatfat was a communist not so long ago. He was so staunchly anti-God that he refused to go into a mosque to pray after his faher's death. Yesterday he was right behind the Mufti in the Grand Seraille prayinng hard to keep his job.

When the time comes, Sleiman Frangieh will go down in history as the most entertaining president in the history of Lebanon. If we're going to have a useless president, he might as well be a vulgar clown.

Book Cooking Minister Jihad Azour said yesterday that Lebanon loses $70 Million a day because of the anti-government protests . That is a flat out lie. You don't need to be a finance whiz to find out that this number is grossly over exaggerated. (Lebanon's GDP is approximately $20 Billion. Imports are about $8 Billion. So for Azour's number to be close to being accurate, Lebanon's Consumption + Investments + Government Spending + Exports must be ZERO!! on every day the protests take place. ZERO means complete paralysis, people don't work, don't eat, don't drive, don't watch TV, just don't.)

The protest site is Downtown facing the Grand Seraille, all other forms of motorized and loud expression of stances whether for or against the government must be stopped. Oh, wait the ISF is too busy harrassing Sukleen workers. Seriously though, ISF is understaffed. 22,000 Policemen for the whole country is way below world averages, yet our crime rate is respectable. So we do have potential to be something special if we did things right for once.

Speaking of potential Gold, Lebanon Basketball plays Uzbekistan today in Doha's Asian games at 17:15 Beirut Time.

Unacceptable Behavior

Here's an incident that happened yesterday between 2 men in uniform, an Internal Security Force Officer and a Sukleen Street Sweeper.

The Sukleen employee was doing his job sweeping the dirt and trash into a pile that he can then shovel into his collection bin. The officer who is entrusted with law enforcement was manning a security booth facing the residence of a VIP, or VVIP a la Libanaise. The officer suddenly decided to enforce his boot on the pile of dirt, kicked it around, and ordered the Sukleen employee in a very nice manner to sweep it again; all while sharing a hearty laugh with his subordinate.

My friend who was appalled by what he witnessed intervened telling the officer to consider that he's dealing with a human being. The officer's disgusting, though expected, response to my friend was: "OK, now we know what color you are."

Earning stripes at a record pace....

No Fear Here

Stop the silly talk of a civil war now. There is no Civil war around here, despite blood being on the trading floor these days. Stop it, I don't want to hear it anymore.

Governmental change does not start war in democracies. The insinuation that possible change might lead to violence is a scare tactic that has no place in a democracy, unless the ruling parties want to prohibit the prospect of change and the concept of opposition. I wonder where they could've learned these democratic practices from? Hmmm....

Anyways, there is no fear of that style of democracy in Lebanon because the team aspiring for eternal rule is a bit, how should I put it nicely, ... clueless and weak. They don't have much power to abuse or the know-how of power abuse, so they resort to demagogic manipulation of people's emotions. But enough already, they are not going to get anywhere with acting tough. They cannot rule against the will of the majority of the Lebanese people. Syria couldn't do it, and neither could Israel with the backing of the world's super best friends; so how the heck is Nayla Mouawad expected to hold up.

So enough talk about Civil war. Abdullah of Jordan is talking about it, if that isn't the ultimate proof that this talk is just plain silly, I don't know what is.

One more thing, if the humble demand of a "National Unity Government" will cause WAR, what will happen (and the time will eventually come) when people ask their Zaeems for more rights or a minimum level of accountability? Armageddon?

Out Sick

On tuesday afternoon I was writing a light hearted post about Lebanese idiosyncrasies when I heard the sickening news of the assassination of Pierre Gemayyel. Then; I literally got sick with a flu, which or might or might not be related to the week's events, that had me in bed the past three days. So I apologize for being missing in action this action filled week.

First of all, the senseless, cowardly assassinations must stop. If you can't confront Pierre Gemayyel peacefully, then you are too incompetent to be in politics. Someone by the name of Salim Salhab got double the votes Pierre got in Metn, so eliminating him as a political foe can be done easily without having to resort to violence.

And if terrorist crime is your domain, then go find yourself somewhere more challenging than Lebanon and its open house policy on security. What satisfaction can you possibly derive from gunning down a father of two who was just leaving a church. Could you find a more vulnerable target? He was in a Kia for God's sake, A Kia.

For the record, I do not condone more challenging assassinations either. Assassinations are so passe. The last appealing assassination was Julius Caesar's; the practice has been losing its luster ever since . They must cease.

Another practice that must cease is the exploitation of blood and grief for political gains. Sadly, every group has spilled blood on this land. And we definitely shouldn't get into blood quality and quantity arguments.

Also some people should shut up for their own sake. These people harm their own cause every single time they open their mouths. (I will not name these people because it is against Lebanese law to insult one of them, and it is against my neighborhood's closed circuit TV surveillance law to critcize the other.)

Speaking of ... about a week ago I was running to get cover on a rainy night and I slipped and fell hard on my back. It was quite a sight and it was surely captured by the above mentioned surveillance cams. Can someone with connections get me a copy of the tape so I can post it here?

The Holier Than Thou Alliance

I've been calling for the resignation of this Cabinet since shortly after its formation, or was it shortly before its conception... Anyways, the promised super creative steps (I doubt Saatchi and Saatchi will be involved in these) taken in the coming weeks to topple the Siniora government are long overdue, even at the risk of losing out on another begging opportunity in Paris. Just when the government was about to secure Lebanon's prosperity and erase the massive debt which was inflicted on us by Shahe Barsoumian and the Holy Ghost, here comes change and a start from scratch.

Change is imminent. There is no point in wasting any time on the futile attempts to avert it. Trying to instill fear in people has been overdone (you know the boy who cried Wolf). If you really want to rally people behind your cause, you need to have more tricks in your repertoire or maybe cosider having ... a cause.

So I will move ahead.

Let me be the first to call for the resignation of the Hezbollah-Free Patriotic Movement government. Not immediately since they have earned a shot at ruling the country with their democratic presence, but eventually they must go... They claim to be Clean and Divine, and they might very well be just that. But how long will this country continue to live on a diet of pure rhetoric? What is Hezbollah and FPM's plan to put the governmental instituions on the right track, reduce the debt, improve educations and medical care, and create jobs? All the successive government have had these goals, but where is the progress on these issues? Granted no one can be as inept as the current government, but still the people deserve to know what they are getting themselves into.

Trusting Abu Hadi and Abu El Meesh blindly isn't enough to build a country; Lebanon has trusted other Abus before and look where that has gotten the country. They'll get their chance and I wish them luck for the sake of Lebanon, but I want something better.

Practicing My Rusty Arabic

إذا أردتَ أن تعرف ماذا يحصل في بنت جبيل، عليك أن تعرف ماذا يحصل في فرجينيا. حكمة بورازانية ليست محكومة بزمنٍ ما. ها نحن وبينما ابن بنت جبيل يلتحف سماء الشّتاء النائلة منه ستّين نيلة تدور على بعد مسافة غير قصيرة من جبل عامل معركة انتخابية ضارية من أبرز عناوينها حظر الزّواج المثليّ.


المقاوم الجبيلي خاض معركته دفاعاً عن أرضه، فضحّى بأغلى ما عنده، وخسر بيته من أجل حياةٍ حرّة كريمة.


معركة فرجينيا مختلفة ، فمثليّو فرجينيا يعيشون حياتهم الحرّة الكريمة وإن لم تلتزم باسم الولاية التي يقطنون . لكنّهم يريدون الاعتراف الرّسمي بقرانهم وما يرافق هذا الاعتراف من امتيازاتٍ في نظامهم الضّرائبيّ. لكنّ معركتهم شرسة إذ أنّ عدوّهم في البيت الأبيض يجيّش أنصاره المحافظين لممارسة إرادة الله بمنع المثليّين من هذه الامتيازات الضريبيّة.ذلك بعد أن سَلَّموا بأن ليس في إمكان لا وزارة أمنهم القومي ولا الباتريوت آكت ان يمنع ما يجري خلف الأبواب المغلقة. طبعاَ هناك رغبة لدى الأخ الاكبر الجمهوري بتغيير هذا الواقع في المستقبل.


أمّا مستقبل ابن بنت جبيل، فمرتبطٌ بهذه المعركة( وبباريس 3 كما يقال له) نتيجة تبسيط وتقليص برنامجٍ انتخابيّ طويل عريض بما فيه من قضايا في السياسة داخلية وخارجيّة واقتصاد وتعليم و ... و… إلى قضية واحدة سهلة التّرويج في مجتمعٍ عمق إطّلاعه السياسيّ مقتصر على ما يراه في البريك الإعلاني لبرنامج أوبراه


اليوم يتلاهف جيش بوش الوفي على مراكز الاقتراع بهدف منع الزّواج المثليّ. هذا هو الأمر الأهمّ بل الأوحد الذي يجذب محافظي فرجينيا إلى الدّيمقراطية. الصّورة نفسها تتكرّر في الولايات الأربع الأخرى المتأرجحة القرار. مصير أكثريّة بوش في مجلس الشّيوخ تتّكل على مدى الحماسة الانتخابيّة يوم الاقتراع لمدّعي العلاء الأخلاقي. أكثريّةٌ قد تعني أنّ مشروع الشّرق الأوسط الجديد (الأخلاقي بامتياز) ماضٍ ماضٍ ماضٍ على أنقاض بنت جبيل. هكذا يجد ابن بنت جبيل نفسه في الخندق ذاته مع مثليّي فرجينيا.


قد يخسروا الانتخابات التّي لا تعنيهم أصلاَ، لكنّهم لن يُهزَموا أبداَ في معركة حقّهم. واحد ينتصر بمقاومة بطوليّة، أمّا الآخرون فلهم مقاومتهم و إن وُصِفَت بِلوطيَّة.

As Sausage Fest Resumes

Image of the Day

Lebanese Sausage Fest , The Re-erection

As our esteemed leaders are slated to reconvene Monday, many are wondering what their plans are for this round of round table chit chat. I will tell you what each of them wants, what they really really want.

I'll start with the godfather of the parliament who has successfully combined the characteristics of super glue and teflon in his persona. Nabih Berri loves the status quo and would love for it to continue forever. His natural fit is as the third side in unholy trinity of war criminals along with Geagea and Jumblatt. However, his popular base is enamored with the most Holy of men which puts him in a tough position that he skillfully transformed into a position of strength, way too much strength. He was able to place himself as the only bridge between the rival currents and thus the savior of the nation. If either camp was to gain full control of the government Mr. X would be reduced to second tier under the big kahunas of each camp.

The Bristol Team has one goal and they must work together to attain it. They want to weather the storm and hold ground. If they must give up the veto power in the cabinet, they can't do it for free. Ideally that would be one of theirs in Baabda, but realistically a compromise candidate in Baabda would be the best they can get. Judging by their performance over the last 18 months though, they will probably come out empty handed yet again.

The Orange team wants to go all out; new elections and a new cabinet (and in 10 months a new Prez) where they'd get the king's share. They know that Hezbollah would defer to them the leading role in a new cabinet because they would look sexier to the west, in spite of the Bristol media (nothing to do with ESPN) attempts at Syrianizing them.

Hezbollah would love to get their National Unity government by tweaking the current ministerial line up. They do not want to lose the perfect scapegoat in the person of Siniora. That way they would get their veto power without being burdened with more responsibilities at a time when they can buy time and just watch the Bristol team self-destruct. However, if that best case scenario fails to materialize, they will not hesitate to go all out and appease their allies.

Of course none of this would be possible without the presence of my boy Elie Skaff on the table without whom there would be no quorum.

Allah ykhallilna sale3tak ya iben Zahleh el bar.

From Lebanon 21

Jallab

The new world brought us Coca Cola; a hydrating concoction of phosphoric acid, sugar, and coloring. I must admit it is a quite refreshing beverage; in an ulcer inducing kind of way.

In Lebanon, well in the Middle East to be more precise, the ultimate thirst quencher is Jallab.

Jallab is two parts. The chilled liquid part is made from a syrup concocted (yes I love the verb concoct and all of its concoctions) from dates, grapes, and rose water. Part two is best described by the waiter at the Phoenicia Hotel that approached me last week and offered me in a heavily accented English, "Would you like nuts in your Jallab, Sir?" I am not ashamed to say that I gladly accepted his proposition for a Jallab is incomplete without a handful of fresh fine nuts. Actually the nut mix will reveal the quality of the Jallab in most cases. If all that's floating in your drink are pistachios and unidentifiable living organisms, then you are a cheap bastard who doesn't want to spend more than a thou on his drink. Pine nuts are a must, so are almonds. Cashew nuts are a bonus, but some raisins should be there for an extra oomph.

Baaam..

There you have Lebanon's most popular drink (after Coke, Pepsi, Coca Cola Light, Diet 7 up, Mirinda, and Starbucks' Grande Mocha Frappo Latte of course).

Indisputable Picture Evidence

It IS a Moustache... I think.

(Thanks Cuz for the Picture, and Sorry for cropping you out but Cropping is my only photoshop skill so I have to use it everytime I get a chance.)

A Lebanese Newspaper

There are no newspapers out today in Beirut because of the End of Ramadan holiday. I feel obliged to fill the void for those of us who must get their daily dose of repetetive propaganda rants to get their day going.

As you know, Beirut features 713 daily newspapers which is roughly double the number of news paper readers in the country. Circulation is not really an issue as all newspapers' publishing expenses are covered by rich people and countries. Anyways, 712 of these dailies run the same format. The lone exception is Al Balad which decided that writers are overrated in the newspaper business and has replaced all writers on the staff with photographers and google image searchers.

So here you have what today's newspapers would've looked like.

The feature headline must be scandalous and not necessarily true so we can go with "Brammertz: Hariri died of Avian Flu" followed by supportive evidence and then what really is going on in smaller print like "Avian Flu case confirmed in Homs" and then "Bunch of Dudes and Nayla Mouawad have Nescafe and Petifour at Bristol."

The front page editorial is always an "I told you so" that proves the newspaper's credibility. "Back in the 80's you all made fun of my 70's wardrobe. Today it's back in style, so stop mocking my toupe."

Pages 2-6 feature one opinion piece that is based on conversations with a ton of anonymous well informed sources, one investigave report based on testimonials of anonymous well informed sources, and the following news items:

Siniora thanks so and so for their Generous Pledge of Support

Berri Smirks about his Ability to Get Away with Murder

Former PM Hoss after meeting with Tunisian delegate: We must maintain a good relationship with Syria

Patriarch Sfeir after hosting Harb: We insist on a Unified position (Wihdat Al Saff)

Lahoud after confirming the Ambassador of Latvia: Chirac wants my Back

Fadhlallah in Friday's Sermon : Beware of Conspiracies

Walid Eido: Look at me, look at me, look at me

Page 7 is where the newspaper tries to connect with the people by trying to bring up their problems like "Parking problem near An-Nahar Bldg. causes Citizens major delays".

The economy page has been reprinted exactly the same way for the past 15 years and no one has noticed, just look at it tomorrow and you'll see the following headlines: "US Dollar exchange rate is 1507.5 Liras", "Year nearing End and no Budget in Sight", and "Salameh: Banking Sector in Great Shape".

Sports pages always talk about teams financial woes and fan fights on the local scene, while internationally it's all about Ronaldinho and Tennis for some reason.

Culture page features Haifa or a look alike and some frustrated arab writer who blames his shitty writing on imperialism.

(The Horoscopes go here, but some girl ripped them out to show them to her friend.)

Finally, the back cover features odd news items off the wires, a random picture of Kellaj that I had promised before, and the silly Caricature du Jour which I will replace with this witty sketch by Amal.

I hope this quenches your newspaper cravings until tomorrow.

Assad I, Bush I, Iraq I, Assad II, Bush II, Iraq II and Lebanon

The picture above depicts what happened when Assad I appeased Bush I during Iraq I. Syrian soldiers dancing over what was later (last year) discovered to be a mass grave of Lebanese soldiers in Yarze.

This scene would've been reproduced in March 2005 in Martyrs' Square had Assad II done what Bush II wanted him to do in his Iraq II Project for spreading freedom, democracy, moderation, subserviency in the Middle East.

Fortunately for us, Assad II's defiance was in the Lebanese people's advantage as we got rid of, to some extent, brotherly bullying. Of course nothing is for free. The price we had to pay was a period of instability that is far from over.

Back to October 13th, 1990, I lived in Chtaura in the Bekaa which isn't exactly the commercial air traffic capital in the world. The only air traffic I witnessed growing up was that of Israeli fighter jets taking care of building code violations in the area by leveling buildings on their occupants. The morning of that day was exceptional as the fighter jets in the air were different. They sounded as if they had a broken exhaust pipe and they were coming from the East. Minutes later they returned and the battle was over. Syria was awarded a full control lease of Lebanon as a return favor for their full support of Iraq I, a lease deal that was up for renewal in 2005.

On a positive note, the events of that day meant I could now go ski in Faraya and watch Theatre du 10 Heurs at Portemilio Kaslik, two things high on my priorities' list as a young teenager. I wonder how much would my Pierre Chamassian autograph fetch on Ebay.

This weekend the Aounists commemorate that day, a day the whole world abandoned them as they stood all alone facing the Syrian occupation. Of course, you wouldn't get that impression if you see Al Mustaqbal's main headline today, but again they have an insatiable orange fetish.

In this occasion, I want to give some due credit to the Aounists. They have proven over the years to be the most "Lebanese" major political party in Lebanon. In a country where most major players draw strength from external sources to enhance their local presence (some have actually openly and shamelessly called themselves "tools"), the Aounists have patiently and painfully built a solid movement on the strength of a Lebanese base. While I don't support Aoun for president (though he will be), the example the Free Patriotic Movement has set can be a model for other "Lebanese" parties to follow. If the orange crew could overcome the hardships of the past 16 years to stand today as one of the Top 3 political parties in the country, then there is hope for some party with a better vision for Lebanon to follow the same path and succeed without embassy shortcuts or seesawing principles.

Now who's got the energy and commitment to go for it?

*Photo Source: Al Akhbar

I'll pick up the pace soon

I've been extremely busy that past few days, but I should be able to post more frequently soon. Especially, since the next few weeks WILL BE action packed. So says Michel Hayek, or was it a different Michel who promised that?

Meanwhile, here's something I wrote in response to some braggarts.

From Lebanon (Ramadan Edition)

The Msaharati

The residents of this strip of land might have invented the alfabet, but they will never be able to spell "noise ordinance." Noise pollution is part of life in this city and you have to adapt to it. Puncturing your eardrums with a Pencil would work, but then you wouldn't know how Haifa plans to top "Wawa". So instead you condition your body to not hear the regular dream interrupting noises like the dawn calls to prayer, the shrieking water pump that the neighbors forgot to turn off when they left the country in 1975, and little Nadine's Saturday morning piano lesson.

Seasonal noise events, like the entire population of Lebanon chanting "Barazil" or Israeli F-16's experimenting with bunker buster bombs, shock the system and break down your defense mechanism, which leaves you struggling again with an enemy you thought you had outsmarted.

A dude banging a drum and screaming his lungs out at 3 a.m. is one of these factors that aren't programmed into your night noise blocking system. That's the Msaharati. His message is "Wake up and Eat." A noble cause except he is the bar tender who pokes a passed-out drunkard to sell him one more drink.

The best part about the Msaharati is that he will come to your door the day after Ramadan to "wish you a happy holiday". No Shame whatsoever.

The Msaharati, a Ramadan tradition for karaoke bar rejects.

Out your "Salon" Talk

We all know that in Lebanon everyone talks about everybody else. The topic could be about clothing, wedding parties, but passions run especially high when it comes to sectarian politics. This phenomenon is better known as "7aki Salonet." It involves anything from sectarian jokes to below the belt insults. These gatherings always work on the pretext that every single thing "our sect" does is right, and everything the "others" do is wrong. Of course the Sect could even be a sub-sect or a "3ashire" but the concept doesn't change.

In an effort to encourage intercommunity communications; to make people to open up to each other; to express their fears and their freudian complexes. I will open up this forum, and for one time only, to open sectarian bashing.

So at the risk of igniting a civil war, what is being said in the "Salons" that you frequent? Yes I know that no one in your family is like that, they all are a tolerant bunch, but what have you overheard your neighbors say?

Bring it all out: the jokes, the conspiracy theories, the Holier than Thou talk, the dirty laundry, etc... Fear nothing for God and internet anonymity are on your side.

Note: Please stick to topic, any unrelated comment will be deleted.

The King is Naked

I will not get involved in the petty internal political bickering. What a boring bunch of clowns with nothing to offer. Same cast for the last 20 years+ repeating the same lines, ... those are the days of our lives. I'm sure no one pays attention to them anymore.

We're in Ramadan which means Kellaj season for me. Kellaj is basically a mixture of fat and sugar that's then deeply fried and deeply sweetened. Yummy. For others, however, it's "ask Jamal why isn't he fasting" month. While it's a clearly intrusive and inapropriate question, you have to be careful how to answer it because your answer might offend some Jesus freaks, Mohammad freaks, whatever, they would be offended in way that would make the 1400 years fight over the Caliphate look like a piece of Kellaj. They really want you to go to heaven. It's for your own good.

It's day 7 or 6, depending on which of the Earth's moons you follow, which means I can't use the "I got my period" excuse much longer. Of course, I should've gone with I am Christian, that excuse would've lasted me at least a month, but too late for that now. There's also the Aoun or Geagea deal; I might miss one of the hand signals which would open a whole other can of worms. So it's back to the drawing board...

I do have my first Iftar of the month this evening. Those things I do take part in. Come 6:30 pm or 8:00 pm, again depending on which of the Earth's suns you watch set, everyone around the table would have developed an animal predator approach to dining which makes me feel normal for once.

So if I pick up the tab tonight, do you think I'll get dressed with the Sultan's Garb?

1 Year Anniversary

This Blog is one year old today.

I want to thank everyone who has spent time reading my rants.

I also want to say a Big THANK YOU to Amal for this beautiful gift which basically sums up the year that was.

Here's to a less eventful Year 2.

Everyone Loves a Parade

Yesterday I decided to walk to the newly dubbed "Pride and Dignity Square" , an 8 KM distance as the Google Earth flies, to get a full picture of Beirut on this day.

At 12:30 pm, I had my cup of coffee and scoured the daily newspapers at my favorite cafe. There was a shouting match across the street but surprisingly it was apolitical. By the way, Rania and Abdallah of Jordan are sleeping in seperate bedrooms.

1 pm; Hamra Street has its regular crowd combined with some motorists sporting their Hezbollah flags and blasting their Nasrallah speeches while some passers by discretely wish for them and him to drown in shit.

1:20 pm; I get side tracked when I spot a new restaurant. Food gets me everytime. However, this restaurant's decor is too colorfull for it to have good food. Also, the fact that this spot used to house a Pizza Hut doesn't work in its favor.

1:30 pm; Someone I know sees me and offers me a ride wherever I was going. He felt offended because I told him I just wanted to walk. He wasn't convinced. No one "just walks" in Beirut. Oh Well.

1:35 pm; The Spears Barbar bottleneck is not exclusive to cars on the street, the sidewalk is also a victim to this phenomenon. Instead of bombing bridges, Israel should've built Barbars everywhere that would've clogged all roads (and arteries) and paralyzed the country.

1:40 pm; in Zoqaq Blat you can buy one Kilogram of Tomatoes or Grapes for 500LL. No one will ever starve to death in Lebanon.

1:45 pm; I stopped at 3ezz Cafe Downtown, since this used to be my caffeine supply when I worked in the area. "3ezz" is a staunch Haririst, and so was everyone else present there. Let the fun begin. Ok, I couldn't take notes fast enough. Siniora stopped the war, he's no traitor. All the arabs abandoned the Palestinian cause, why won't we. If they open the Golan front, we will go and fight there. We all used to love Nasrallah, but not since he said "Thank You Syria." Overall, a lot of resentment towards Syria.

2:15 pm; I spot Ibrahim Kanaan at Le Georges in Gemmayze, the dude stood less than a meter away and I still couldn't tell whether or not he has a moustache. It's a light angle trick that has me baffled.

2:25 pm; The young cedar on the Lebanese Forces posters looks much healthier than the blossoming cedar on Almanar TV.

2:35 pm; Tabaris, Furn El Hayek, Sodeco are all emptyish, early start to the weekend I guess. I hear my name and have a 5 minute with someone that knows me without having a clue who he is.

2:45 pm; Oh I remember who he is, he used to work at one of the companies I worked for.

2:50 pm; I've been walking for two and half hours mixing with the people of Beirut, but fuck it , my destination is still over 5 kilometers away, so I'm hitching a ride.

3:15 pm; The Mar Mikhail church is as far as cars can get, so back to walking. Tons of people, mostly with yellow flags, but you'll spot occasional black, green, orange, red and the unmistakeable mutant radioactive pistacchio colored flags of the Marada party.

3:45 pm; Ice cream trucks, cotton candy, roasted nuts, Nasrallah speeches on Cassette or CD (I got me the classical 1998 Jerusalem day, but most youths prefer the Ashura 2003 remix.), and lots and lots of baby carriages; plenty of pride and dignity but still no square.

4:00 pm; More people heading away from the "square", than those heading to it , they said they weren't letting any more people in. Are you kidding me, I didn't walk and hitch all this distance to be left out. Oh and by the way, I spotted a couple of Israeli MK drones in the sky filming the event.

4:15 pm; the pace got slower and the space tighter and the oxygen scarcer and butt grabbing more frequent, it was getting obvious I' m not gonna make it and even if I managed to push my way close enough to Pride it would have to be at the expense of Dignity. Right there I decided to give up.

5:00 pm; While I was in an air conditioned living room, Nasrallah started delivering his victory speech.

6:15 pm; He finished his brief talk. Main points: Olmert and Peretz are pair of boobs. Condy's New Middle East is a miscarriage. Yo Arab Leaders, wake up(Dream on Sayyed). Blue Helmets, Blue Balls. Internally he delivered strong words but weak messages. The roof of his demands remained a National Unity government. I already commented on this issue in my last post.

8:00 pm; Shower!!!!!

Blue Helmets and Black Turbans

On the eve of the "Divine" victory rally, there are several asking "Where to?" Since it's pretty clear to everybody that we're not "there" yet.

Let me start south of the Litani on the frontlines with Israel. UNSC 1701 is starting to look like a bizarro Cairo Accord. Allow troops from all over the world, it's preferably the light skinned ones outnumber the darker complexions, to turn South Lebanon into a stage where they can "protect Israel's right to exist" and prove to the world that they are not anti-semitic and have no Hitler genes whatsover. Today's Unifil is a baby blue helmeted PLO with guns pointing north instead of south. Well, come to think of it the original PLO's guns also pointed north instead of south. Freedom, sovereignty, Never Mind. While the ambiguity of Unifil's role is of concern, I personally think they are just here for show. While I don't question Europe's genuine love for Israel, I doubt they are willing to administer Qana III for them. They should start leaving come February. So for the southern Lailas looking for blue-eyed Romeos, Hook'em Fast!

North of the Litani, on the always entertaining Lebanese political scene, we are due for action. The first voices after the war were those who where screaming that they shouldn't be accused of treason. Why would anyone with a clear conscience be concerned with this issue? Hmmm. Anyways, these people were and will always be irrelevant tools, so let's talk about the more relevant free people. The Siniora government will not be overthrown, not now at least. It is protected from "El Diablo" himself. (Sorry Cowboy John, I know I shouldn't be taking this comic book approach to dealing with international policy. Destructive wars, bloody invasions, and violent occupations are the way to go.) However back to Lebanon, Hezbollah owes it to his supporters and allies to stand up to the Bristol troop. But how? They can not pull out of the cabinet because they do not trust the ruling majority with all the power and they can't overthrow it. So their only option is to press for a national unity government. Boring. If you thought the current crew has been impotent wait til you see the National unity jambalaya. Well, at least it'll be more entertaining when you have Fatfat and Frangieh in the same room.

Half Good or Half Bad

I'm sorry I've been slow when things are moving at light speed around here. When I try to put my thoughts about a topic on paper it seems to be trumped by another more urgent news. To keep up with the pace of ongoing events I will resort to bullets, just like everyone else seems to be doing these days.

• The Saudi-Qatari propaganda war is the best thing on TV since Seinfeld (before Larry David left the show.)
• The Saudi-Qatari propaganda war is the best thing to hit news stands since Oprah's Magazine.
• What's with the media blackout on the gun clashes erupting here and there.
• Walid Jumblat was a tool, he's now free. His words not mine.
• A country whose number one export is Cocoa was rewarded with a shipful of fatal toxic waste.
• God hates chocolate ... and Africans.
• God led Hezbollah to victory .
• God also led the Miami Heat to victory.
• My friend who has been job hopping in the desert since the 90's thinks the job market and economy in Lebanon are dead because of the 2006 Israeli war on Lebanon.
• Finance Minister Jihad Azour agrees.
• Dori Chamoun: Goatee or no Goatee?
• This week marked the death anniversaries of Bachir Gemayyel and Hadi Nasrallah, as seen extensively on TV, oh yeah and the thousands at Sabra and Shatila, barely seen on TV.
• Yemen.

Por La Plata Baila El Mono

A Spanish saying that translates to: "For the Money, The Monkey Dances."

While many people fit the description, my monkey du jour is Hassan Sabra.

I saw the cover of his respected magazine today and he had Michel Aoun featured with a photoshopped Iranian flag patterned foulard draped around his neck. I guess the idea of Aoun being in bed with the Syrians didn't fly, so Sabra is resorting to the other "bo3"*. Apparently people don't forget 15 years of Syrian-enforced exile so easily. I mean what does it tell you when even Al-Shiraa readers don't believe the story?

But why is he a dancing monkey?

I remember Hassan Sabra of the early 90's; his son used to play soccer with us when the father performed his weekly pilgrimage to Chtaura. Actually, Junior broke his arm once and that was when I learned that when bones break, they actually break break. As in break in two pieces break. But enough with my childhood traumas.

My point is that Hassan Sabra used to have his tongue so far up Ghazi Kenaan's ass he could taste his lunch. Today he's a "courageous journalist." Who's fooling whom?

But dancing monkeys are not completely useless. You can always use them to gauge whose propaganda machine has the deepest pockets at any given time.

*The bo3 is the Lebanese version of the Chupacabras.

The Crucifix of Siniora

At the end of the day, Fouad Siniora is just a loyal employee of Hariri Inc. (Not to use harsher descriptions thrown his way.) His failed 13+ months experiment as Prime Minister was nothing more than a lesson in the grooming process of his boss. While he was dizzy being pushed around in different directions, Boss was lounging on a Mediterranean island beach doing lines and taking notes on the Dos and Don'ts of Prime ministering. Siniora's usefulness seems to be expiring soon and while his name has been battered in many circles, his non-committal Boss is unscathed.

Welcome to Feudal Leadership 101.

Unfortunately for us, it has been reported the Boss's top advisors do not think he's ready for the job yet. (Insert your favorite expression of astonishment here.) So which loyal employee will be volunteered to be the next lab rat in Boss's educational curriculum?

Cluster Bombed

I've been away for a few days not because I have nothing to comment but because I have too many things that I wanted to talk about that I didn't know where to start. I'll just vent a little now, but I'll have a more level headed analysis in the future.

At this moment Prime Minister Lame Duck is meeting with Prime Minister Lame Duck in the Grand Seray. I wonder what they're quacking about. They are probably comparing golf vacation plans. Meanwhile, south of our border Prime Minister Lame Duck is still in denial. What can one do to get job security in this world?

On another front, if you are "pretty", "rich", or "smart" and you are secure about it would you go around announcing to everyone your virtues? So why does the ruling majority in Lebanon feel the need to keep reminding everyone that they are the majority.

I see Hezbollah targeted the Bristol gathering with a batch of Katyushas a couple of days ago. To Hezbollah I say, Stop teasing the people. You've been using these empty threats for over a year now and every time these supposed "thieves" bend and give you what you want, you turn a blind eye to all the looting. You are either against corruption or you are a partner in it. You are either against the government or you are part of it. You can not have the damning evidence you speak of and sleep on it for political gains. Stop talking off both sides of your mouth, state your position, and stick to it.

As for my contribution to the ongoing media smear campaign against Aoun, hmmm, what hasn't been used yet? Digging up picture with IDF, done. Calling him senile, done. Questioning his Maronitism, done. Syrian Mukhabarat accusations, done. Sold his soul for the presidency, done. Abou Ali Aoun, done. Party hand symbol resembles gun slinging, done. Well, it seems I can't add anything to this campaign, our fair and balanced media has got it all covered.

Enough for now...

Beyond Bint Jbeil

As I was leaving Beirut I ran into the around the clock procession of dump trucks that are moving Dhahieh to its new seafront location. Once you get past that, you'll start noticing some redecoration courtesy of the Israeli Air Force. Overpasses are out. Not a single overpass remains between Beirut and Saida. Silly Israelis! Any casual observer of Lebanese driving patterns knows that we don't use these things. Why take the long dizzying way when you can just jump the median?

Bridges are a different story; we do need those because we have many many rivers. A river is a continuous flow of water that pumps life into everything in its path. Water is life and we have an abundance of water. I just wanted to rub that in.

After a few detours to find alternative ways to cross the numerous water sources along the way we reached Soor, home of LBC's favorite mufti Sayyed Ali El Amin. Just a piece of advice here, If you're heading South fill up gas before you leave Beirut since gas pumps are an extinct species south of the Litani.

My destination was the border village of Yaroun, my grandfather's hometown and where he spent the first 15 days of Olmert's anger tantrum. Yaroun is one of the heavily damaged villages that didn't get much media coverage, probably because it is beyond Bint Jbeil and Bint Jbeil is more photogenic. Like most houses in Yaroun, my grandpa's is now missing a wall. On the bright side the living room is well ventilated and enjoys an unobstructed view of Jabal Al Jarmaq. So we went to the local "Jihad Construction" office to pick up some cash. Note that "Jihad" is one of the Arabic words that is never translated to English only so that the terror alert levl can remain at orange, just like Madrassa. By the way, Little Jihad cannot go to his Madrassa in Bint Jbeil because Bint Jbeil is, well, more like Bint Jbeil was.

Before you reach Yaroun from Bint Jbeil there is an ant hill on the left between the road and the border. It is known as Maroun El Ras. When I used to see the TV footage of the Maroun El Ras battles, I thought that was just one angle of this strategic base. It turns out that there were no other angles, Maroun El Ras is just what you saw in the camera frame; a couple of houses on what would be rated as a baby stroller hiking trail. You have to see how small the areas in question are to grasp the magnitude of the Israeli military failure. There are no visible Merkava tracks beyond the outskirts of Bint Jbeil. To put it in perspective the distance from there to the border is shorter than the distance from where you are to Starbucks.

On the way back, we stopped for food at th only open restaurant in the area. Two rocket holes adorned the seating area. A couple of mine explosions and stray Israeli jets provided the ambience music. Judging by the clientele present, the waiters will be needing intensive French and Italian courses. Barbecued Merkava was the Plat du Jour.

Tomorrow (Lebanese time, so it might be a few days) I'll go Beyond Beyond Bint Jbeil with a political reading of the war's results.

Back from the Frontlines

I shall write up a detailed account of my trip to Bint Jbeil and what's beyond beyond Bint Jbeil sometime tomorrow.

Go Shorty...It's Your Birthday

This Virgo is 46 years old today, so what do the stars tell us about him.

Per Astrology.com:

"The universe is really rocking and rolling right now. The fun and games begin very early as the Moon enters exuberant and enthusiastic Sagittarius (12:02AM PDT). Less than one hour later, Vesta in Virgo opposes Uranus in Pisces (12:55AM PDT). If you are feeling worried about a loved one's safety and security, join the club. This is amplified enormously by the long-awaited Saturn-Neptune polarity from Leo to Aquarius (2:56AM PDT). This sky pattern will form again on February 28 and June 25, 2007. Steer clear of anyone or anything that brings confusion, chaos, fogginess and nebulosity into your life. Saturn-Neptune oppositions only occur every 35 years and many people experience a potent tug of war between the material (Saturn) and spiritual (Neptune) realms of life. Unless you are very wise and sensible, there is a great tendency to be unrealistic right now. Try to be the Rock of Gibraltar to dear ones on the ropes. Help the downtrodden and disenfranchised to the best of your ability. Learn more about meditation and yoga. Explore the fine and graphic arts to your heart's content. Challenges may also manifest around the time of the First Quarter Sun-Moon Phase (3:58PM PDT) - activating 9 degrees of Virgo and Sagittarius. Cut through obstacles in your path with mental clarity and emotional calm. Your mental universe is abuzz during the Sun-Mercury Superior Conjunction (9:50PM PDT) at 9 degrees of Virgo. You can think of this as a ""Full Mercury"" - with the Earth, Sun and Mercury lined up in the solar system, and Mercury on the far side of the Sun, but moving at top speed. Ingenious ideas flash through your mind like meteors lighting up the night sky. Research, reading and writing receive the thumb's-up sign."

...and all this time I though that the activation of 9 degrees of Virgo and Sagittarius only manifested itself in the Second Quarter of Sun-Moon Phase. Also in case you're confused, PDT is 10 hours behind Beirut Time.

Hal Balad

"Hal Balad" is the most bitched about thing around here. This expression is always used in a culpatory tone. Whenever you need to highlight a flaw in this country, and we have a handful of those around, you blame it all on "Hal Balad."

You cant' find a job in "Hal Balad."...People in "Hal Balad" are full of crap..."Hal Balad" is all about corruption...The humidity in "Hal Balad" is unbearable...

I hate thee people that use this expression. Not because of your incessant whining, nor because of your criticism of my beloved country, but for the helpless guilt free victim image that you have of yourself.

"Hal Balad" is nothing but a reflection of your sorry ass. You pass your sense of irresponsibility to those you empower to roam free with no worry of accountability.

Then there are those who romanticize "Hal Balad" and fantacize about"Hal Balad" from afar. Sure you all love "Hal Balad", the summer vacation one night stand kind of love, that is why you abandon it at the drop of a Dirham. "Hal Balad" is not your Balad. Your "Hal Balad" is a farce.

"Hal Balad" today is bleeding, almost dead. I say we finish it off and bury it deep. Let's build our Lebanon instead.

Crashing Back into Normalcy

I live off one of the most traffic accident prone intersections in Beirut. The traffic congestion in the area prevents high speed driving and thus limits injuries caused by these crashes. But the vocal blame fights between the drivers after such incidents have been known to puncture a few ear drums.

Last night was no different. A speeding tinted windows Mercedes slammed into an arrogantly-strutting-its-trunk-in-the-middle-of-the-street Peugeot. The druzetache sporting driver of the Mercedes stepped out of the car and told the other car owner not to worry; the Mercedes is Walid Beik’s and his insurance will take care of everything. The Mercedes was pretty slick, which reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend that the MTV crew should have a go at the Lebanese zaeems’ Cribs.

Move over Dr. Dre, here comes Dr. Geagea’s Arz estate, and he has prison creds too. Hassan Nasrallah’s crib has been reduced to a radioactive pile of rubble, but his charred motorcade is a perfect candidate for Pimp My Ride; a Manar Studio in the back seat, a Zelzal under the hood. On to Qoraytem where you’ll find a 7 meter wide life size poster of the Martyr on every wall of every room and a 1700 men strong security force guarding a house that is completely empty eleven months out of the year. In Rabieh, you’ll see the navel room, the afandi room, the tangerine room, the Clementine room, the Balkis room, the fresh squeezed room, etc…

In other Zaeem houses (without naming names to avoid lawsuits) you should pay particular attention as you might be able to spot your neighbor’s chandelier, your great grandmother’s long lost grandfather’s clock, uncle Joe’s 1975 Citroen amongst other loot that didn’t cross our soon to be closed borders during the past 2 decades.

Off the Internet

Here's a little article I found about blogging from Beirut during Olmert's angry days.

Bleu , Blanc, Lose

I'm still shaking. I think I burnt off more calories than the actual players over the past 2 hours.
What a performance, what a Game, what a Win.

Final Score Lebanon 74 France 73.

Something Stinks

I've had a self imposed ban on internal politics since Olmert started burying Lebanese kids under the rubble of their homes.

Well, I will continue this hiatus for the time being even though I have a bone to pick with, well, everybody except Elie Joseph Beik Skaff of course.

I've gotten a lot of "what national untiy" exclamations when I wrote my letter of admiration to the Lebanese people. I stand by what I said. The way the grand majority of the Lebanese people acted during the war and continue to behave these days is light years ahead in national maturity than where we were a couple of months ago. A political compromise will be reached internally and there will not be another civil war, Ever!! I will repeat it one more time for the delusional haters, Lebanon will NEVER have another civil war.

On a final note, as the Israeli elite fighters strategically repositioned their asses to their side of the fence, they have left a lot of stinking souvenirs: open tuna cans, sweaty and bloody boots, phosphorus-torched landscapes, and ..... used adult diapers. Apparently the baby killers from down south have the same bowel control as their victims. I smell an endorsement deal here. Depends, J & J's Baby Powder, or Mr. Bidet's Clean Healthy Tush; the possibilities are endless.