لبناني و واحد؟!؟ واهاهاهاهاهاهاهاهاهاهاهاهاهاها
****
أضف نكتتك المفضلة عن اللبناني
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Jorsa!
But then again we are shameless people. No shame in that. But I do not intend to comment on today's show nor tomorrow's road show. This is a review of the one man show that goes by the same name.
Rafiq Ali Ahmad's long awaited return has had some box office success which usually raises a red flag since I do not trust Lebanese theater goers' taste. Arsonists have stayed away from the stage though, which raised a few more questions. Did they deem the play unworthy of an attack? Did they migrate like everyone else? Did they leave the country in April 2005? Or did Mr. Ali Ahmad budge and let the terrorists win?
Yes.
The dude is good. He is a brilliant performer and he showcases all his talents in this work. The casting job was excellent, and so was the overall production. But, and there's always a but with me, the script needed a little more work. He managed to combine too many personal anecdotes with too many clichés. He also took a light approach in various parts were he could have upped the oomph a bit.
If you've already seen Little Miss Sunshine then you don't have any other movies worth watching this year, so go out and check one of the plays around town. I saw Jorsa at Monnot Theater, but it has since moved to a Russian thingie on a French battleground. Other Jorsas can be witnessed daily on your favorite newscast.
Rafiq Ali Ahmad's long awaited return has had some box office success which usually raises a red flag since I do not trust Lebanese theater goers' taste. Arsonists have stayed away from the stage though, which raised a few more questions. Did they deem the play unworthy of an attack? Did they migrate like everyone else? Did they leave the country in April 2005? Or did Mr. Ali Ahmad budge and let the terrorists win?
Yes.
The dude is good. He is a brilliant performer and he showcases all his talents in this work. The casting job was excellent, and so was the overall production. But, and there's always a but with me, the script needed a little more work. He managed to combine too many personal anecdotes with too many clichés. He also took a light approach in various parts were he could have upped the oomph a bit.
If you've already seen Little Miss Sunshine then you don't have any other movies worth watching this year, so go out and check one of the plays around town. I saw Jorsa at Monnot Theater, but it has since moved to a Russian thingie on a French battleground. Other Jorsas can be witnessed daily on your favorite newscast.
Monday, March 26, 2007
متفرقعات
كلمات ليست كالكلمات
كلمات بتشوفوها على آرمات بطريق صيدا القديم
مؤسسة عيتاني التجارية لتأمين الخادمات
ضا ديسكاونت ستور
أوكارديون
أورنجمونات
كلمات بتشوفوها على آرمات بطريق صيدا القديم
مؤسسة عيتاني التجارية لتأمين الخادمات
ضا ديسكاونت ستور
أوكارديون
أورنجمونات
***
***
نشرة الأخبار
إستقبل رئيس كتلة المستقبل النيابية الشيخ سعد الدين الحريري في قريطم وزير خارجية بلجيكا...
ثمّ إستقبل رئيس كتلة المستقبل النيابية الشيخ سعد الدين الحريري في قريطم وفدا من جمعية ...
ومساءاً إستقبل رئيس كتلة المستقبل النيابية الشيخ سعد الدين الحريري في قريطم رئيس اللقاء الديمقراطي النائب وليد ...
و في مجدليون إستقبلت النائب بهية الحريري وفدا شعبيا...
في باريس إستقبلت السيدة نازك الحريري سيدة فرنسا الأولى برناديت شيراك و بحثتا...
و عشان هيك إسمو تلفزيون المستـقبـِل
***
***
نشرة الأخبار
إستقبل رئيس كتلة المستقبل النيابية الشيخ سعد الدين الحريري في قريطم وزير خارجية بلجيكا...
ثمّ إستقبل رئيس كتلة المستقبل النيابية الشيخ سعد الدين الحريري في قريطم وفدا من جمعية ...
ومساءاً إستقبل رئيس كتلة المستقبل النيابية الشيخ سعد الدين الحريري في قريطم رئيس اللقاء الديمقراطي النائب وليد ...
و في مجدليون إستقبلت النائب بهية الحريري وفدا شعبيا...
في باريس إستقبلت السيدة نازك الحريري سيدة فرنسا الأولى برناديت شيراك و بحثتا...
و عشان هيك إسمو تلفزيون المستـقبـِل
***
***
فضائيات
إحتمال إنّو يضرب نيزك مركز المؤتمرات بالرياض بعد بكرا و يمحيهن كلّن فرد ضربة هو واحد بال130000000000000000000
في أمل يا جماعة، يلاّ كترو دعاءاتكم.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Left Behind
This is a follow up to Jij's View from Left.
The view from the left has to be directed to the next stage in the Lebanese political life as there is clearly no role for a bunch of weaklings in today's imminent Saudi brokered deal.
Whether we go through the national unity government charade or we skip this transitional period and directly usher in the new troika regime; this time around dominated by the Mar Mikhail duo plus a token prime minister.
I have argued before that I would be as opposed to the new lords of that castle as I am of the remaining ghosts of the outgoing ruling class. Well maybe slightly less opposed as they cannot possibly be as damaging as the previous crew. I don't see in them the miracle solution to Lebanon's ills; still they have set an example of how to accomplish change in a change repellant region. Their model should be studied closely and emulated by the left or anyone hoping to see change in our lifetime.
I come across many coffee shop leftist groups with more words in the name of the group than living members. They always complain about all political players including their natural home, the dormant LCP, and are disappointed how their holding of signs on a side of a road one afternoon failed to abolish sectarianism and stop Harirism from drowning the highest peaks of our proud mountains in rolling roaring debt. A friend of Salim El Hoss once told that he never had a chance to stand up to Rafiq El Hariri because "He took afternoon naps." Now I love my coffee breaks as much as anyone, but if you look back at the top 2 political/popular forces in Lebanon you won't find many coffee breaks since their inception.
Hezbollah has sacrificed sweat and blood non stop since the early eighties. FPM has taken a different route but with the same level of intensity and energy since the early nineties. When they ascend to power in the next month, year, or two; it will not happen accidentally due to right star alignment that the traditional opportunist Lebanese politicians pray and wait for. They created their success by laying solid ground work over a significant period of time that enabled them to seize the opportunities when they came. They have faced the same challenges and challengers (Syria, Harirism, Israel, and American Imperialism) that the left has faced, yet today they sit atop. Meanwhile the left is obsessed with past glory and the nincompoop Atallah.
To keep it brief, change is possible since a precedent has been set. A leftist awakening can be achieved with a vision, the right strategy, dedication, sacrifice, and more. It took the others a couple of tough decades to reach dominant positions; it should be slightly easier for the leftists today since the Israelis and Syrians have been tamed, not to mention the intellectual superiority that they love to claim.
Now for the strategy meet me at the coffee shop.
The view from the left has to be directed to the next stage in the Lebanese political life as there is clearly no role for a bunch of weaklings in today's imminent Saudi brokered deal.
Whether we go through the national unity government charade or we skip this transitional period and directly usher in the new troika regime; this time around dominated by the Mar Mikhail duo plus a token prime minister.
I have argued before that I would be as opposed to the new lords of that castle as I am of the remaining ghosts of the outgoing ruling class. Well maybe slightly less opposed as they cannot possibly be as damaging as the previous crew. I don't see in them the miracle solution to Lebanon's ills; still they have set an example of how to accomplish change in a change repellant region. Their model should be studied closely and emulated by the left or anyone hoping to see change in our lifetime.
I come across many coffee shop leftist groups with more words in the name of the group than living members. They always complain about all political players including their natural home, the dormant LCP, and are disappointed how their holding of signs on a side of a road one afternoon failed to abolish sectarianism and stop Harirism from drowning the highest peaks of our proud mountains in rolling roaring debt. A friend of Salim El Hoss once told that he never had a chance to stand up to Rafiq El Hariri because "He took afternoon naps." Now I love my coffee breaks as much as anyone, but if you look back at the top 2 political/popular forces in Lebanon you won't find many coffee breaks since their inception.
Hezbollah has sacrificed sweat and blood non stop since the early eighties. FPM has taken a different route but with the same level of intensity and energy since the early nineties. When they ascend to power in the next month, year, or two; it will not happen accidentally due to right star alignment that the traditional opportunist Lebanese politicians pray and wait for. They created their success by laying solid ground work over a significant period of time that enabled them to seize the opportunities when they came. They have faced the same challenges and challengers (Syria, Harirism, Israel, and American Imperialism) that the left has faced, yet today they sit atop. Meanwhile the left is obsessed with past glory and the nincompoop Atallah.
To keep it brief, change is possible since a precedent has been set. A leftist awakening can be achieved with a vision, the right strategy, dedication, sacrifice, and more. It took the others a couple of tough decades to reach dominant positions; it should be slightly easier for the leftists today since the Israelis and Syrians have been tamed, not to mention the intellectual superiority that they love to claim.
Now for the strategy meet me at the coffee shop.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Triangulation
Ever since Taef, Lebanon has been divided into a Holy trinity; each side with its "own" issues and aspirations. Today, we are promised a triangular solution to please all but does it really solve anything?
The Tribunal
The tribunal has been marketed as the solution to the country’s security ills. Many people have bought the story and turned it into their cause. I will not delve into the Saatchi & Saatchi drawing boards that have successfully turned a questionable entity half a world away and which is yet to take shape into a national priority, but I will ask: does the international tribunal deserve to be the top priority for the part of Lebanese calling for it? What is in it for them? The most they can hope for is that by achieving a personal aim of the zaimship some good would trickle down to them in one way or another.
The Third
Veto power in return of not obstructing the Government’s economic “vision,” will likely be the deal. Sure the third would guarantee the official government stance would not officially sellout the accomplishments of decades of struggle, but it cannot and will not stop the national “partners” from continuing to conspire against these accomplishments openly albeit unofficially. In return, the price to pay will continue hitting the pockets of those most needy, and that have fought the most for this third, the hardest.
Election Law
The election law will guarantee that a third portion of the Lebanese will be able to select their representatives. Shortsightedness plagues this vision of what would really protect their interests. Each group of Lebanese picking their own representatives based on traditional and sectarian loyalties will only continue the trend of polarization that started pre-1975 and a collision between the factions will always be a threat. To protect current or future minorities one must eliminate the “minority” label. That can only be done by equalizing everyone. Each individual citizen must be treated as such in all rights and duties. The Kaza is the safe haven du jour but what happens when it becomes the “casa”. To break the ever shrinking imaginary borders of safe haven, a national outlook must be adopted that will force “everyone” to reach out of their walls. But that action must be pursued today, because today “everyone” is still a minority and must reach out to others. But in the future that might not be the case and if past trends continue someone might not need to reach out anymore and the any hope of the emergence of One Lebanon will evaporate.
A sectarian solution will come at the expense of the sects and the country. The solution does not address any of the people’s priorities. Security, jobs, economy, sovereignty, education, defense, hospitalization, services, corruption, etc… are issues that affect everyone equally and do not discriminate against sides in an imaginary triangle. But as most people would tell you,يحلّوها و يحلوا عنا. People are tired and need a break and they’ll settle for just about anything at this stage, and the proposed solution is just that… anything.
The Tribunal
The tribunal has been marketed as the solution to the country’s security ills. Many people have bought the story and turned it into their cause. I will not delve into the Saatchi & Saatchi drawing boards that have successfully turned a questionable entity half a world away and which is yet to take shape into a national priority, but I will ask: does the international tribunal deserve to be the top priority for the part of Lebanese calling for it? What is in it for them? The most they can hope for is that by achieving a personal aim of the zaimship some good would trickle down to them in one way or another.
The Third
Veto power in return of not obstructing the Government’s economic “vision,” will likely be the deal. Sure the third would guarantee the official government stance would not officially sellout the accomplishments of decades of struggle, but it cannot and will not stop the national “partners” from continuing to conspire against these accomplishments openly albeit unofficially. In return, the price to pay will continue hitting the pockets of those most needy, and that have fought the most for this third, the hardest.
Election Law
The election law will guarantee that a third portion of the Lebanese will be able to select their representatives. Shortsightedness plagues this vision of what would really protect their interests. Each group of Lebanese picking their own representatives based on traditional and sectarian loyalties will only continue the trend of polarization that started pre-1975 and a collision between the factions will always be a threat. To protect current or future minorities one must eliminate the “minority” label. That can only be done by equalizing everyone. Each individual citizen must be treated as such in all rights and duties. The Kaza is the safe haven du jour but what happens when it becomes the “casa”. To break the ever shrinking imaginary borders of safe haven, a national outlook must be adopted that will force “everyone” to reach out of their walls. But that action must be pursued today, because today “everyone” is still a minority and must reach out to others. But in the future that might not be the case and if past trends continue someone might not need to reach out anymore and the any hope of the emergence of One Lebanon will evaporate.
A sectarian solution will come at the expense of the sects and the country. The solution does not address any of the people’s priorities. Security, jobs, economy, sovereignty, education, defense, hospitalization, services, corruption, etc… are issues that affect everyone equally and do not discriminate against sides in an imaginary triangle. But as most people would tell you,يحلّوها و يحلوا عنا. People are tired and need a break and they’ll settle for just about anything at this stage, and the proposed solution is just that… anything.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Quiz
1- Remember the very gay Alaa Zalzali, not that there is anything wrong with that. He had a song that included i nits lyrics the line " Pistik Paralo, Pa Paa Pa Paa". Name that song.
2- Is the Cinema Commodore Building currently being turned into a private militia barracks a la Mayfair?
3- Growing up I played "Gol". In the South they play "Fatbool". In Egypt they play "Koora". Gringos call it "Soccer". What di you play in your neck of the woods?
4- Where are thee now Remi Bandali?
5- Abou Melhem, Abou Salim, Abou Antar, Abou El Jamajem, or Abou Riad?
2- Is the Cinema Commodore Building currently being turned into a private militia barracks a la Mayfair?
3- Growing up I played "Gol". In the South they play "Fatbool". In Egypt they play "Koora". Gringos call it "Soccer". What di you play in your neck of the woods?
4- Where are thee now Remi Bandali?
5- Abou Melhem, Abou Salim, Abou Antar, Abou El Jamajem, or Abou Riad?
Friday, March 16, 2007
و الجواب
حضرة مسؤول الأمن المحترم في دارة زعيم الحي المحترم
تحيّة و يحيا زعيم الحي،
نحن العرب نوصي بالجار قبل الدار و نِعم جيرة حظينا بها في هذا الحي.
أبوابنا مفتوحة و مشروعة لكم ليلاً نهاراً،إذا رغبتم في التعارف شاركونا على فنجان قهوة أو كاسة شاي و نخبركم كل شيء عن نشاطاتنا و ماضينا و حاضرنا عن أخبار عيالنا و مشاريعنا المستقبلية، و هكذا نكسب معرفتكم أيضا.
لكن نعتذر عن تعبئة هذه الاستمارة الاستجوابيّة حفاظا لحقوقنا و حقوقكم و حريّاتنا و حريّاتكم .
إلى لقاء قريب انشالله.
جاركم المنزعج و المزعج
استمارة أمنية
إستمارة أمنية من أجل أمنكم و أمننا
إسمك:
إسم أبوك:
إسم جدّك:
إنّو شو طايفتك يعني:
شو بتاكل؟
شو بتشرب؟
بتنام؟
شو حلمت مبارح؟
كيف علاقتك بالمخابرات الأجنبية؟
سمّي آخر عشر دول تعاملت مع استخباراتن؟
شو قياس صباتك أو سكربينتك؟
هل عندك سلاح حربي؟Just Kidding أكيد عندك سلاح
ما هو حجم أسطولك البحري؟
و الجوي؟
هل بيطل بيتك ع بيت زعيم الحي او الشهيد الحي؟
هل شفتو شي يوم عم يتحمّم؟
هل تمنيت له الموت يوما؟
هل تخذت الغاب مثلي منزلا دون القصور؟
أرفق هذه الاستمارة بصورة باسبور و نسخة عن الهوية، للفائز بسحب القرعة الشهري ويك أند ببلاش في النيو مزّة أوتيل في رومية.
إسمك:
إسم أبوك:
إسم جدّك:
إنّو شو طايفتك يعني:
شو بتاكل؟
شو بتشرب؟
بتنام؟
شو حلمت مبارح؟
كيف علاقتك بالمخابرات الأجنبية؟
سمّي آخر عشر دول تعاملت مع استخباراتن؟
شو قياس صباتك أو سكربينتك؟
هل عندك سلاح حربي؟Just Kidding أكيد عندك سلاح
ما هو حجم أسطولك البحري؟
و الجوي؟
هل بيطل بيتك ع بيت زعيم الحي او الشهيد الحي؟
هل شفتو شي يوم عم يتحمّم؟
هل تمنيت له الموت يوما؟
هل تخذت الغاب مثلي منزلا دون القصور؟
أرفق هذه الاستمارة بصورة باسبور و نسخة عن الهوية، للفائز بسحب القرعة الشهري ويك أند ببلاش في النيو مزّة أوتيل في رومية.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I dream of white March 14th
White streets of Beirut, March 14th
Snowfetus, Born march 14th - Died March 14th
... Finally a Living room in Beirut, March 14th
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
From Lebanon M14
Zajal
Zajal is a traditional form of poetry/song exclusive to what is colooquially known as sausage parties.
Zajal combines the symmetry of the eastern art of Haikus, the realness of inner city rap, the topics of HBO's Taxi Cab confessions, with the inebriation of two and a half bottle of araq as a minimum.
Men showcase their eloquence, wit, and voices all while competing on who's holding the biggest...drum.
Zajal participants always repeat a one line chorus, as demostrated often by politicians and TV talking heads on any given night.
Mijana and Ataba are 2 variants of Zajal verses.
Here's a lame attempt at an Ataba verse en anglais.
You have seen it on an Ad or
a billboard for a life which we adore
promising you a window or a door
where you'll find all the money you can grab.
Clearly, the Araq minimum was never met...
Zajal is a traditional form of poetry/song exclusive to what is colooquially known as sausage parties.
Zajal combines the symmetry of the eastern art of Haikus, the realness of inner city rap, the topics of HBO's Taxi Cab confessions, with the inebriation of two and a half bottle of araq as a minimum.
Men showcase their eloquence, wit, and voices all while competing on who's holding the biggest...drum.
Zajal participants always repeat a one line chorus, as demostrated often by politicians and TV talking heads on any given night.
Mijana and Ataba are 2 variants of Zajal verses.
Here's a lame attempt at an Ataba verse en anglais.
You have seen it on an Ad or
a billboard for a life which we adore
promising you a window or a door
where you'll find all the money you can grab.
Clearly, the Araq minimum was never met...
Saturday, March 10, 2007
ميجانا ال100 يوم
شـو عملـت برجــال الله يــا ابن صيــدا يا بــار
نَقَعْتُن ميــة يــوم و يـــوم بوِجّ الـبـودا بــار
ما شمّوالوسكي يوم واليوم ما بيشربوا غير أولد بار
من بــاب الجنّة لنـــار جهنّم رقص و غِنــا
...
أوف أوف أوف أوووووف
...
Gateauفؤاد عم ياكل سنيــورة فنمـورة ف
...
فـتـفـت فــات ينـام فبرد و شخّر فغطّـــو
...
يا ست نايلة ناطرين نسمع من تمّك ال"فَغَتو"
...
وباقييــن بخيمــنا لتفلّوا عن سراينا
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
From Lebanon 17
The Zalghouta
First a note to my foreign readers: Even though it rhymes with it, Zalghouta has nothing to do with that One arabic word you know.
The Zalghouta is a physical feat involving the tongue and throat, usually, of a female. No, no, I repeat this has nothing to do with that one arabic word you know.
The Zalghouta is a loud expression of the happy ending of bachelor life. I swear it has nothing to do with sex, even though ladies who can perform it tend to have higher babies per uterus averages than women who can't.
I don't think it is either a genetically inherited talent or an acquired skill, it must be another one of these unexplainable Lebanese miracle mutations like full make up breakfasts and Walid Jumblat.
Whatever the zalghouta is, enjoy it, be happy as it is a sirening omen of an open bar, unless you are stuck at a dry wedding, or much worse a sex seggregated one, in which case you only have yourself to blame for being there.
The Zalghouta, yet another akhou @#$%^&*@# tradition from Lebanon.
P.S. I've labeled all the From Lebanon posts "From Lebanon", if you'd like to go back and learn more about traditions from Lebanon.
First a note to my foreign readers: Even though it rhymes with it, Zalghouta has nothing to do with that One arabic word you know.
The Zalghouta is a physical feat involving the tongue and throat, usually, of a female. No, no, I repeat this has nothing to do with that one arabic word you know.
The Zalghouta is a loud expression of the happy ending of bachelor life. I swear it has nothing to do with sex, even though ladies who can perform it tend to have higher babies per uterus averages than women who can't.
I don't think it is either a genetically inherited talent or an acquired skill, it must be another one of these unexplainable Lebanese miracle mutations like full make up breakfasts and Walid Jumblat.
Whatever the zalghouta is, enjoy it, be happy as it is a sirening omen of an open bar, unless you are stuck at a dry wedding, or much worse a sex seggregated one, in which case you only have yourself to blame for being there.
The Zalghouta, yet another akhou @#$%^&*@# tradition from Lebanon.
P.S. I've labeled all the From Lebanon posts "From Lebanon", if you'd like to go back and learn more about traditions from Lebanon.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Convictions
- They killed him
- He only cares about the presidency
- They want us to wear chadors
- He wants partition and his own kingdom
- They are foreign tools
- He wants federalism and his own state
- They don't pay their electric bill
- They stole $45 billion
- They are not even Lebanese
- If you ignore them you don't have to deal with them
- They killed the economy
- We are not like that, but they are, so you have to be like that
- He only cares about the presidency
- They want us to wear chadors
- He wants partition and his own kingdom
- They are foreign tools
- He wants federalism and his own state
- They don't pay their electric bill
- They stole $45 billion
- They are not even Lebanese
- If you ignore them you don't have to deal with them
- They killed the economy
- We are not like that, but they are, so you have to be like that
No Deal
Are we saved now that the Tehran Madman and the Saudi Baldie struck a deal. or does their hand shake mean that they'll simply split the cake. Puns and name calling end here, I promise. Today we are facing a Catch 22 proposition. The threat of civil war has been weighing heavily on us, whether it's an intentional and calculated weight or not, it is doing the job of weakenig our knees. We could kneel down and beg the lords of war for mercy, but do we really have anything left to lose at this stage? The question becomes the old rhetoric of half full or half empty.
I've written a few months ago that change is imminent, and that change is good in that it sets a precedent of accountability. That would be a dangerous precedent for some who had to raise the cost of change to a knee buckling weight to protect the Zaeemship or the centuries-old dynasty.
But is change worth all this trouble when in the end we are getting more of the same... Establishing a mechanism of change and accountability would only make future changes easier. However, to settle for crumbs after all we've been through would kill any hopes of change until the next Halley appearance.
I am not optimistic about an end to the crisis in the next few hours; but I am about the future of the country. Now is not the time to wane under pressure. It has been painful and it will continue to be, that is just the price of loving life in Lebanon.
I've written a few months ago that change is imminent, and that change is good in that it sets a precedent of accountability. That would be a dangerous precedent for some who had to raise the cost of change to a knee buckling weight to protect the Zaeemship or the centuries-old dynasty.
But is change worth all this trouble when in the end we are getting more of the same... Establishing a mechanism of change and accountability would only make future changes easier. However, to settle for crumbs after all we've been through would kill any hopes of change until the next Halley appearance.
I am not optimistic about an end to the crisis in the next few hours; but I am about the future of the country. Now is not the time to wane under pressure. It has been painful and it will continue to be, that is just the price of loving life in Lebanon.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
آذار الهدّار
آذار الهدّار... والسـبع استحقـاقـات الكبـــار
بلّش و نحنا بالريــاض و طهران و واشـنـطن زوّار
بكرا جاييــنا ذكرى تمــانـية... و مؤتمر الجوار
أوعا ننســى احدعش و كـل الفرافيــط الزغــار
و بعدين أربتعش الحكومة ...ومجلس النواب إن صار
و مسك الختام القمة العربية و ممثّلينا الكتــار
ياخيّي اللبناني لشو بدّك تنطر وأعصابك على نار
بالآخر شو ما صـار ما إلنا إلاّ التعتير والشّحـار
Monday, February 26, 2007
Today We Must Think a Little Harder
Life Goes On, but it must not go on dumber, less informed, mentally poorer. We were privileged to have our collective minds enriched on a daily basis by a ten minute read each morning that encapsuled decades of knowledge, a philosophical library, and a strategic eye that saw beyond all horizons. No single pen can replace these lines. We, each of us, must make up a little of this loss on our own.
Who are we and us? The commies raced to claim an old comrade. The Arab nationalists have anointed him above Abdel Nasser. Muslims, Christians, Secular, and Infidels as Ziad put it say he was their voice.
To me he was Free Lebanese Thought. Scratch that, make it Free Thought period, for free thought can not be bound by geography. A school of thought based on deep-wide-long-fat knowledge, smart-logical-surgically precise analysis, and genetically gifted vision that can not be acquired or taught.
We have a void to fill, a void that can only be filled with a collective effort. So today we, each of us, must think a little harder, read a little bit more, make that read a lot more, dig a little deeper, look a little bit further.
Today we graduated. It is now time to work.
Who are we and us? The commies raced to claim an old comrade. The Arab nationalists have anointed him above Abdel Nasser. Muslims, Christians, Secular, and Infidels as Ziad put it say he was their voice.
To me he was Free Lebanese Thought. Scratch that, make it Free Thought period, for free thought can not be bound by geography. A school of thought based on deep-wide-long-fat knowledge, smart-logical-surgically precise analysis, and genetically gifted vision that can not be acquired or taught.
We have a void to fill, a void that can only be filled with a collective effort. So today we, each of us, must think a little harder, read a little bit more, make that read a lot more, dig a little deeper, look a little bit further.
Today we graduated. It is now time to work.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Personal Loss
He's someone I stayed up til 2 am every night just so I can be first to read what he had to say.Rest in Peace Joseph...
Thursday, February 22, 2007
You can't spell "Tante min el Achrafiyeh" without TNT in el Achrafiyeh
My friend in the garbage business tells me that we recycle 6% of our garbage, that includes all of our political class. That means we have a 94% margin of improvement since Zero waste is possible with today's technology. Not only is it possible, it is doable at a much lower cost than we pay Sukleen (whose owners shall remain anonymous) to basically just relocate Beirut's garbage to abandoned villages.
Speaking of garbage diposal, every couple of days someone decides to quit an old vice and dispose of his supply of TNT in the nearest dumpster. Now that's a commendable act but it is causing a bit of panic in the neighborhood. Shouldn't we encourage these repentant souls by providing them with safe ways to get rid of their hazardous material? Is TNT recyclable? I'm sure we can we turn it into biodegradable toilet paper, or wassabi, or something. We can equip recycling bins with voting booth style curtains to protect the anonymity of recyclers, that way you can't tell if they're dumping Paper, Glass, or good old TNT.
Action must be taken, we are sitting on thousands of tons, metric and nautical, of this stuff; if you doubt that go look under the layer of soil in that plant pot hanging off your balcony. We might as well put it to good use. It might be enough to wipe out the national debt, or the whole city, or something.
Speaking of garbage diposal, every couple of days someone decides to quit an old vice and dispose of his supply of TNT in the nearest dumpster. Now that's a commendable act but it is causing a bit of panic in the neighborhood. Shouldn't we encourage these repentant souls by providing them with safe ways to get rid of their hazardous material? Is TNT recyclable? I'm sure we can we turn it into biodegradable toilet paper, or wassabi, or something. We can equip recycling bins with voting booth style curtains to protect the anonymity of recyclers, that way you can't tell if they're dumping Paper, Glass, or good old TNT.
Action must be taken, we are sitting on thousands of tons, metric and nautical, of this stuff; if you doubt that go look under the layer of soil in that plant pot hanging off your balcony. We might as well put it to good use. It might be enough to wipe out the national debt, or the whole city, or something.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Fill in the Blanks
الزعيم 1: رح بقّ البحصة
الزعيم 2: بقها بقى للبحصة
المواطن: أكلناها.......
الزعيم 2: أنا عندي 10 بحصات
الزعيم 1: فتاح كسارة
المواطن: أكلناها.......
للأجوبة الصحيحة إقلب الشاشة
الزعيم 2: بقها بقى للبحصة
المواطن: أكلناها.......
الزعيم 2: أنا عندي 10 بحصات
الزعيم 1: فتاح كسارة
المواطن: أكلناها.......
للأجوبة الصحيحة إقلب الشاشة
Monday, February 19, 2007
Vanity
Only in the streets of Beirut do Cats strut their stuff and pose shamelessly for the camera lense...
... but then again it is February.
... but then again it is February.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Billboard Review
مشوار عجل الديب بيعرضك لشي ثلاث ملايين و نصف "بانو" اعلاني. (أكتر من 95% منُّن منتصب و منصوب بشكل غير قانوني، بس حطّ بالخرج مين بيحكي بالقانون بهل أيام.) هلّق إذا جمعنا كل هل رسائل بمجلّد واحد. بيطلع معنا جوهرة أدبية بتوصفلنا واقع الحضارة اللبنانية. رح وفّر عليكن الوقت والبنزين و أعطيكن الكليف نوتس.
الحملة الجديدة لمحبّي الحياة بتقول: "باقي هون"، و بعدين بيزهق و بيغيّر رأيو لا مش باقي هون،"نازل عالشغل"، "رايح إسهر"، "راجع من السفر"...فتبيّن إنّو محبّي الحياة كلّن رجال ما في نسوان "رايحة تسهر" أو "نازلة عالشغل" مثلاً. رجال بتحب تسهر من جهة و من الجهة التانية عندك قوس قزح! ما حدا مبسوط بهل البلد قد جماعة حلم.
بعيداً عن الألوان سقط شي بالباراشوت بالأبيض والأسود بلا وجه و بلا قفى إسمو 11 آزاغ. بيقولو إنّو هنّي بالنص. طب بس إذا 8 زبالة و 14 مجارير أجلكن، هلّق إنتو لي بالنص ما بتكون طالعة ريحتكن؟
وأخيراً في الذكرى..."عن جدّ اشتقنالك".
هلّق السنة الماضية كانت "اشتقنالك" حاف عالناشف.
فشو معقول تكون السنة الجاي؟ "عن جدّ عن جدّ اشتقنالك ولوووو"؟
الحملة الجديدة لمحبّي الحياة بتقول: "باقي هون"، و بعدين بيزهق و بيغيّر رأيو لا مش باقي هون،"نازل عالشغل"، "رايح إسهر"، "راجع من السفر"...فتبيّن إنّو محبّي الحياة كلّن رجال ما في نسوان "رايحة تسهر" أو "نازلة عالشغل" مثلاً. رجال بتحب تسهر من جهة و من الجهة التانية عندك قوس قزح! ما حدا مبسوط بهل البلد قد جماعة حلم.
بعيداً عن الألوان سقط شي بالباراشوت بالأبيض والأسود بلا وجه و بلا قفى إسمو 11 آزاغ. بيقولو إنّو هنّي بالنص. طب بس إذا 8 زبالة و 14 مجارير أجلكن، هلّق إنتو لي بالنص ما بتكون طالعة ريحتكن؟
وأخيراً في الذكرى..."عن جدّ اشتقنالك".
هلّق السنة الماضية كانت "اشتقنالك" حاف عالناشف.
فشو معقول تكون السنة الجاي؟ "عن جدّ عن جدّ اشتقنالك ولوووو"؟
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Maroun El Ras in the News Again
Not much to say, actually plenty to say but no time to do so. So here is how Maroun looked a few weeks ago from the center of Bint Jbeil.
Note: Comments will be moderated until Papa and Mamma Occupation hire a new babysitter.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Pro War? Say Aye!
So far we have:
Children against war
Mothers against war
Desperate housewives against war
War veterans against war
Someone with no one against war
March 11th against war
Most calendar days against war
Billboards against war
I love life clearly against war
I love life with conditions also against war
TV clips against war
Fatwas against war
Haifas against war
Human chains against war
Chain letters against war
Youtube clips against war
Newspaper ads against war
Blogs against war
Honor pacts against war
Bumper stickers against war
.
.
.
Come on pro war crowd. Express yourself against the against war monopoly of propaganda. Do something!
Children against war
Mothers against war
Desperate housewives against war
War veterans against war
Someone with no one against war
March 11th against war
Most calendar days against war
Billboards against war
I love life clearly against war
I love life with conditions also against war
TV clips against war
Fatwas against war
Haifas against war
Human chains against war
Chain letters against war
Youtube clips against war
Newspaper ads against war
Blogs against war
Honor pacts against war
Bumper stickers against war
.
.
.
Come on pro war crowd. Express yourself against the against war monopoly of propaganda. Do something!
Friday, February 02, 2007
Loving Life one day at a time
Things in Beirut are now Calm. Beirut Calm, off course, which is not to ever be confused with serenity calm. "Now" must also be taken in the Beirut sense of the word. Now means literally Now. This moment. Now is different from... Now. We are living the "Live the Moment" cliche.
Short term planning has been reduced to spur of the moment decisions. Dinner tonight is a long term plan. Your reservations are a Tic-o-tac ticket. You might feast, but more likely you'll stay hungry. Too many variables could change between now, lunchtime, and then, dinner time.
While planning a weekend trip for next weekend would be considered too short a notice in most parts of the world, these days here it is called ambition. I aspire to watch the Superbowl sunday night. I have a dream ... of a Wednesday hump.
Next month? Next year? Are you fucking kidding me? That's the afterlife, you go on doing things as you see right and hope that in the end your faith won't let you down.
This chaotic life style is too much to handle for most normal people. But we always say that Lebanon is abnormal, I mean a Special little country.
Short term planning has been reduced to spur of the moment decisions. Dinner tonight is a long term plan. Your reservations are a Tic-o-tac ticket. You might feast, but more likely you'll stay hungry. Too many variables could change between now, lunchtime, and then, dinner time.
While planning a weekend trip for next weekend would be considered too short a notice in most parts of the world, these days here it is called ambition. I aspire to watch the Superbowl sunday night. I have a dream ... of a Wednesday hump.
Next month? Next year? Are you fucking kidding me? That's the afterlife, you go on doing things as you see right and hope that in the end your faith won't let you down.
This chaotic life style is too much to handle for most normal people. But we always say that Lebanon is abnormal, I mean a Special little country.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Voting a la Libanaise
.Here I am 3 days into an online voting campaign and I'm already exhibiting typical Lebanese politician behavior. I'm becoming evil.
I've made tons of promises that I know I won't and can't possibly keep. I'm asking people to vote for me based on friendship and national pride regardless of whether they think my submitted article is good or bad. Actually I doubt many have even read it. I've hypocritically asking for support from people whom I usually evade. I'm buying votes with beer and other incentives; Cellphone recharge cards and gas coupons are still in the works. I'm using other people's tragedies to gain myself sympathy votes. By the way I've heard that if you vote that you liked my article it might lead you to a nude picture of Charlize Theron and Angelina Jolie making out. I'm so blinded by winning that I wouldn't mind spending more than the laptop's worth just to win. My campaign managers are doing a great job, but please don't tell them their payment checks will bounce, I really appreciate their work. Where is Ghazi Kenaan when you need him, he would've gerrymandered me into an easy win.
In my defense though, it is an awesome looking laptop. It's Black AND White at the same time. Apple might have colors, but here we have the first example of e-racial harmony. It has a rotating screen! That means you can actually type while staring at the back of the screen. How uselessly cool is that? You can type a whole page, nay, a whole book that way and then "Ba'ousseee" you find out you were typing all this in wingding font.
With 4 days to go, I have not started a smear campaign against my foe yet. I haven't sank that low yet, but at the rate I'm going that might come tomorrow.
HELP!!
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Saturday Night at the Movies 2
It seems like every time I go to the movie theater to check out one of Hollywood's latest creations I bump into one or more, much more, of my fellow bloggers. It could be just coincidence, after all this is a tiny "country". But after looking at a list of the top 20 movies at the Lebanese Box Office for 2006, something leaped out. The Lebanese cinema frequenting crowd is miniscule. The average viewership for the top 20 movies of the year is around 40,000 or roughly 1% of the population. That's for the top 20 movies, so the number of regular movie goers is smaller. This puts me and the other Lebanese bloggers in this 1% of the population, so how representative of Lebanon can we possibly be?
Personally, I dread each time I must go to Haret Hreik, Tareek Jdideh, or Burj Hammoud. The tight roads and the pedestrian and scooterized masses there make driving a nightmare even in Lebanese road standards. I've only been once to the Buj Brajneh Refugee camp, Tareek Jdideh's alleys look like the autobahn compared to the roads there. I've never been to Nabatiyeh, Jizzeen, Hasbaya, Rashaya, Akkar, or Hermel. I'm trying to get my friends in the 1% to win me a laptop in an online vote, by the way don't forget to vote for me again today and every day.
But what do I know about the other 99% of Lebanon. What do you?
Personally, I dread each time I must go to Haret Hreik, Tareek Jdideh, or Burj Hammoud. The tight roads and the pedestrian and scooterized masses there make driving a nightmare even in Lebanese road standards. I've only been once to the Buj Brajneh Refugee camp, Tareek Jdideh's alleys look like the autobahn compared to the roads there. I've never been to Nabatiyeh, Jizzeen, Hasbaya, Rashaya, Akkar, or Hermel. I'm trying to get my friends in the 1% to win me a laptop in an online vote, by the way don't forget to vote for me again today and every day
. But what do I know about the other 99% of Lebanon. What do you?
Friday, January 26, 2007
On the Verge of War
With Lebanon on the verge of war, I have plenty of specimens of evil around to examine and determine whether people are born that way or whether evil is an acquired taste just like caviar.
The streets of Beirut have showcased a plethora of evil the past few days. So surely I can go to one of the rooftop snipers ask him to lay on a couch, carress his hair, and listen to him open up to me about the trauma he suffered when he walked in on his dad cheating on his mom with his 1st grade English teacher whom he had a crush on and had spent all his allowance buying apples for. Weren't apples also involved in the original sin? Hmm... But no, that can't be it, I'm sure Mother Teresa had an apple or two growing up and she turned out OK.
We must dig deeper and younger. At risk of sounding pedophiliac, I think we must check out the babies at the maternity ward for answers. These little angels can't be evil. Sure they scream all night, but have you seen the face of that nurse? Also, they were so eager to be born and now they find out they have to wait a year to walk, 2 to talk, 3 to open the fridge, at least 5 to reach the chocolate shelf, over 15 years to get laid, and 21 years to buy a freaking beer. That is evil.
Alas, these little angels aren't so innocent. All you have to do is look at them a day earlier, the moment they were born. Look at the faces of their mothers pushing, sweating, and crying.
A cow drops a calf effortlessly. Hens' eggs are a dime a dozen.
Only pure evil would pay back the mother that carried them in her womb for 9 patient months with pain and agony.
So there you have it, it doesn't get more scientific than this.
*This post was in response to "Are people born evil?" on Love to Lead's Competition. Visit the website where you can read other bloggers' answers after you vote for me. I'm badly in need of a new laptop. You might also win one if you vote for me.
The streets of Beirut have showcased a plethora of evil the past few days. So surely I can go to one of the rooftop snipers ask him to lay on a couch, carress his hair, and listen to him open up to me about the trauma he suffered when he walked in on his dad cheating on his mom with his 1st grade English teacher whom he had a crush on and had spent all his allowance buying apples for. Weren't apples also involved in the original sin? Hmm... But no, that can't be it, I'm sure Mother Teresa had an apple or two growing up and she turned out OK.
We must dig deeper and younger. At risk of sounding pedophiliac, I think we must check out the babies at the maternity ward for answers. These little angels can't be evil. Sure they scream all night, but have you seen the face of that nurse? Also, they were so eager to be born and now they find out they have to wait a year to walk, 2 to talk, 3 to open the fridge, at least 5 to reach the chocolate shelf, over 15 years to get laid, and 21 years to buy a freaking beer. That is evil.
Alas, these little angels aren't so innocent. All you have to do is look at them a day earlier, the moment they were born. Look at the faces of their mothers pushing, sweating, and crying.
A cow drops a calf effortlessly. Hens' eggs are a dime a dozen.
Only pure evil would pay back the mother that carried them in her womb for 9 patient months with pain and agony.
So there you have it, it doesn't get more scientific than this.
*This post was in response to "Are people born evil?" on Love to Lead's Competition. Visit the website where you can read other bloggers' answers after you vote for me. I'm badly in need of a new laptop. You might also win one if you vote for me.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
From Lebanon M16
Civil wars
Sure civil wars do take place elsewhere, but no other land can claim a civil war or two per generation. There are even accounts of civil wars that predate the "modern" man, when the sheep and goats locked horns over a watering hole in the Southern Metn region. The war occured shortly after the discovery of fire which led to the second most important discovery in history: Barbecue. Homo Cheframzien then became the first registered case of obesity.
Then came man and his wars. First war on record was between the clockwise and anti-clockwise dabke dancers. As all subsquent wars, there were no winners in this conflict. Both camps held ground with boots firmly in place and signed the first national reconcilaition under the auspices of the Roman Caracalla family which then privatized and monopolized dabke for eterntiy.
With the arrival of God, civil wars became just too easy as you no longer needed to find a reason to fight as God will always be on your side. The rest is history.
With that said, I promise you there will not be a civil war this time around. If I'm wrong you can shoot me.
Sure civil wars do take place elsewhere, but no other land can claim a civil war or two per generation. There are even accounts of civil wars that predate the "modern" man, when the sheep and goats locked horns over a watering hole in the Southern Metn region. The war occured shortly after the discovery of fire which led to the second most important discovery in history: Barbecue. Homo Cheframzien then became the first registered case of obesity.
Then came man and his wars. First war on record was between the clockwise and anti-clockwise dabke dancers. As all subsquent wars, there were no winners in this conflict. Both camps held ground with boots firmly in place and signed the first national reconcilaition under the auspices of the Roman Caracalla family which then privatized and monopolized dabke for eterntiy.
With the arrival of God, civil wars became just too easy as you no longer needed to find a reason to fight as God will always be on your side. The rest is history.
With that said, I promise you there will not be a civil war this time around. If I'm wrong you can shoot me.
من وحي المناسبة: شحّادين يا بلدنا
*This post is recycled from a year ago as nothing has changed over the past year, or 40 for that matter. You can download a version of the song sang by horny teenagers via this link.
Shoushou sang it 40 years ago, and since we love tradition so much we still sing the same tune today.
Beggars are usually crackheads or alkies that need their fix. Not here. In Lebanon begging is an artform, a career opportunity, a status symbol.
There are of course the street beggars which range in age between 1 and 100. They are expert racial profilers and speak exclusively in rhymes. Body disfigurement, systematic avoidance of showers, and malnourishment are their strongest weapons. The more experienced of them only work summers. They shed their suits and hit the streets where they can avoid wasting time on the cheap locals and focus on the deep tourist pockets, thus yielding much higher productivity. They conduct weekly gatherings for Friday prayers. NO, not in mosques but just outside.
Institutionalized begging is also common. To get involved in this field though you have to be a middle aged man of the cloth. They too speak exclusively in rhyme, but they do occasionally shower. God, orphans, and eternal damnation are their keys to open checkbooks. They host Friday prayers.
Now being a millionaire or even a billionaire shall not stop you from kindly begging for more.
Begging conferences are usually at the fanciest resorts. Hors d'oeuvre and champagne constantly flow. Surely they only beg for the poor. Someone has to fight poverty, and they make great sacrifices to raise fight for that cause. God bless them. Some rhyme in their speech, but a whole lot of slime. Friday prayers? Only in election campaign season.
Back to Shoushou, 40 years ago he also sang:
نحنا حراميّي زغار، و هنّي كبار كبار
What does he know, he's just a clown.
Shoushou sang it 40 years ago, and since we love tradition so much we still sing the same tune today.
Beggars are usually crackheads or alkies that need their fix. Not here. In Lebanon begging is an artform, a career opportunity, a status symbol.
There are of course the street beggars which range in age between 1 and 100. They are expert racial profilers and speak exclusively in rhymes. Body disfigurement, systematic avoidance of showers, and malnourishment are their strongest weapons. The more experienced of them only work summers. They shed their suits and hit the streets where they can avoid wasting time on the cheap locals and focus on the deep tourist pockets, thus yielding much higher productivity. They conduct weekly gatherings for Friday prayers. NO, not in mosques but just outside.
Institutionalized begging is also common. To get involved in this field though you have to be a middle aged man of the cloth. They too speak exclusively in rhyme, but they do occasionally shower. God, orphans, and eternal damnation are their keys to open checkbooks. They host Friday prayers.
Now being a millionaire or even a billionaire shall not stop you from kindly begging for more.
Begging conferences are usually at the fanciest resorts. Hors d'oeuvre and champagne constantly flow. Surely they only beg for the poor. Someone has to fight poverty, and they make great sacrifices to raise fight for that cause. God bless them. Some rhyme in their speech, but a whole lot of slime. Friday prayers? Only in election campaign season.
Back to Shoushou, 40 years ago he also sang:
نحنا حراميّي زغار، و هنّي كبار كبار
What does he know, he's just a clown.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Comments on a Normal Tuesday
I woke up to quieter than normal streets. Anyone who's been to Hamra knows what normal noise level is here; it's usually between Jet Engine level and a Fran Drescher shriek. So I turned on the TV to find a reporter on the streets of Beirut informing us how it is a normal day across town and how all roads and businesses are open. He sounded convincing except in the background you didn't see people or cars instead you saw a dark cloud of smoke. How could I possibly know the Truth of what is going on. I could switch the channel, this isn't Syria or Saudi Arabia or any other Arab country, we do have other non-state controlled and very free media (except for New TV which is not free because it is not protected by a militia).
So I switched the channel and at 8 am Samir Geagea was already declaring that the army and the security forces have failed at their jobs (accusations that were rapidly echoed by other Bristol troop figures) and unleashed his new generation of black clad thugs to take things into their own hands. So the army that had its arms full already with Lebanon's largest civil disobedience movement, now had the added burden of fending off thugs looking for trouble. I didn't like that scene so I switched back to the other TV station with which, as I found out yesterday, shares my habit of daydreaming and a hatred for Naser Qandil.
At the end of the chaotic day calm was restored. 3 people were dead and a hundred or so injured which is tragic; but given that the whole country( and not any country) was engulfed in street fights involving guns, I must say the army and the security forces did a commendable job. If riots of this scale broke out in any American city, the amount of deaths and injuries would have been multiple times more, not to mention the looting that would have hapened.
Kudos to the army and friends for doing a tremendous job at averting disaster, despite what some ungrateful bastards are promoting for narrow personal political gains.
So I switched the channel and at 8 am Samir Geagea was already declaring that the army and the security forces have failed at their jobs (accusations that were rapidly echoed by other Bristol troop figures) and unleashed his new generation of black clad thugs to take things into their own hands. So the army that had its arms full already with Lebanon's largest civil disobedience movement, now had the added burden of fending off thugs looking for trouble. I didn't like that scene so I switched back to the other TV station with which, as I found out yesterday, shares my habit of daydreaming and a hatred for Naser Qandil.
At the end of the chaotic day calm was restored. 3 people were dead and a hundred or so injured which is tragic; but given that the whole country( and not any country) was engulfed in street fights involving guns, I must say the army and the security forces did a commendable job. If riots of this scale broke out in any American city, the amount of deaths and injuries would have been multiple times more, not to mention the looting that would have hapened.
Kudos to the army and friends for doing a tremendous job at averting disaster, despite what some ungrateful bastards are promoting for narrow personal political gains.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Spot the 10 Mistakes
Long before Sudoku, the entertainment page in the newspaper used to feature a spot the mistakes picture. Let's see how well you can do with spotting blunt discrimination in this ad for MEA which is unequivocally not an equal opportunity employer.
Click on picture for larger image.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
خطاب زقّف تقلّك
خطاب زقّف تقلّك
بعد كم يوم رح يطلّ علينا قائد العالم الحرّ والمعتدل بس مش سكاندينافيا و روسيا و كندا لإنّو رب ربّك ما بيتحمّل بردات كانون بهيديك البلاد.
رح يطلع و يبلّش يعدّ انجزات وانتاجات السنة (على سيرة الإنجازات والانتاجات لهل سنة، في حدا يقلّي شو صابو لزياد الرحباني (ر) بال2006 ؟ هيئتو اكتشف الفياغرا. إنّو معلوماتي مش أكيدة بس صحصح من النوم و كتّر، بيانات عراديوات، و بيانوات لبعد نص ليل، و مقالات و مهرجنات،يا إلاه، يا لطيف...ة. هاي بنرجعلا بعدين) بنرجع لبوش لي دحرج روس، و يمكن قتل حدا مهم بالصومال، هيدا لي يمكن كان إلو دعوة بتفجيرات السفارات بال98 ، و راح يشدّد على هالنقطة ليفرجي إنّو شطّور مش متل كلينتون يلي كان عم بيغزّ بمونيكا لمّا صارت غزوة أفريقيا.
على كلّن، لي بيميّز خطاب حالة الإتّحاد عن غيرو هو التزقيف. إنّو ولا مرّة طلع رئيس أميركاني وقال: يا جماعة الحالة خرى. أو خرة؟ ألف مقصورة أو تا مربوطة؟ هيدي ما علّمني إيّاها إيلي ماروني، أستاذي لاللّغة العربيّة سابقاً و زعيم الكتائب بزحلة حاليّاً رغم إنّو كان يعلّم فصحى. خلص بنسأل البطريرك بما أنّو هو الخبير. خبير بالتا المربوطة ، ما تسببولي مشاكل سوء تفاهم هلّق، سيدنا البطرق بيشدّّ بلفظة التا المربوطة: حكومةّ وحدةّ وطنيةّ، هيدا كان قصدي. المهم، بنرجع عالموضوع الرئيسي الرئاسي. الرئيس لي بيحظى برضى تلت شعبو و تلت شعبنا رح يطلع يوعظ كيف اتّحادو قوي و متين و بيلقى دعك و جسمو لبّيس و مزدهر و جغل و سكسي ماكسيموم. و رح يزقفولو جماعتو تزقيف مبرمج و منسّق و مترجم و مدبلج ما في متلو إلاّ بالشام. الحرب تزقيف، الضمان الاجتماعي تزقيف، دسبريت هاوس وايفز تزقيف و تهييص. بس الفرق بين الديموقراطيّة الهوليووديّة النموذجيّة و الديموقراطيات الشقيقة هو إنّو هونيك بيضلّو من وقت لي بيخلص بوش لتلتي لوقت ما يبلّش السوبربول لي هو أهمّ حدث رياضي عندن يعني متل أطول أوف بالأوّل علLBC عنّا، بيضلّو عم بيحلّلو. لا مش الخطاب، ... التزقيف.
كلّ محطّات التلفزة والإذاعة والمطبوعات رح تخبّرنا و تبشّرنا كم مرّة زقّفولو لقبضاي زمانو و قدّيش كان معدّل طول و عرض كل زقفة. و رح يطلعلنا شي صحافي حاطومي بيحب ينكش أكتر من غيرو ليحسبلنا كم ديسيبل كانت كل زقفة من إيام ما اخترع الكسندر غراهام بل الصوت لليوم.
خلاصة الموضوع، حضروا حالكن، في حرب جديدة بالمنطقة لإنو الحقيقة كلنا زهقنا من العراق.
بعد كم يوم رح يطلّ علينا قائد العالم الحرّ والمعتدل بس مش سكاندينافيا و روسيا و كندا لإنّو رب ربّك ما بيتحمّل بردات كانون بهيديك البلاد.
رح يطلع و يبلّش يعدّ انجزات وانتاجات السنة (على سيرة الإنجازات والانتاجات لهل سنة، في حدا يقلّي شو صابو لزياد الرحباني (ر) بال2006 ؟ هيئتو اكتشف الفياغرا. إنّو معلوماتي مش أكيدة بس صحصح من النوم و كتّر، بيانات عراديوات، و بيانوات لبعد نص ليل، و مقالات و مهرجنات،يا إلاه، يا لطيف...ة. هاي بنرجعلا بعدين) بنرجع لبوش لي دحرج روس، و يمكن قتل حدا مهم بالصومال، هيدا لي يمكن كان إلو دعوة بتفجيرات السفارات بال98 ، و راح يشدّد على هالنقطة ليفرجي إنّو شطّور مش متل كلينتون يلي كان عم بيغزّ بمونيكا لمّا صارت غزوة أفريقيا.
على كلّن، لي بيميّز خطاب حالة الإتّحاد عن غيرو هو التزقيف. إنّو ولا مرّة طلع رئيس أميركاني وقال: يا جماعة الحالة خرى. أو خرة؟ ألف مقصورة أو تا مربوطة؟ هيدي ما علّمني إيّاها إيلي ماروني، أستاذي لاللّغة العربيّة سابقاً و زعيم الكتائب بزحلة حاليّاً رغم إنّو كان يعلّم فصحى. خلص بنسأل البطريرك بما أنّو هو الخبير. خبير بالتا المربوطة ، ما تسببولي مشاكل سوء تفاهم هلّق، سيدنا البطرق بيشدّّ بلفظة التا المربوطة: حكومةّ وحدةّ وطنيةّ، هيدا كان قصدي. المهم، بنرجع عالموضوع الرئيسي الرئاسي. الرئيس لي بيحظى برضى تلت شعبو و تلت شعبنا رح يطلع يوعظ كيف اتّحادو قوي و متين و بيلقى دعك و جسمو لبّيس و مزدهر و جغل و سكسي ماكسيموم. و رح يزقفولو جماعتو تزقيف مبرمج و منسّق و مترجم و مدبلج ما في متلو إلاّ بالشام. الحرب تزقيف، الضمان الاجتماعي تزقيف، دسبريت هاوس وايفز تزقيف و تهييص. بس الفرق بين الديموقراطيّة الهوليووديّة النموذجيّة و الديموقراطيات الشقيقة هو إنّو هونيك بيضلّو من وقت لي بيخلص بوش لتلتي لوقت ما يبلّش السوبربول لي هو أهمّ حدث رياضي عندن يعني متل أطول أوف بالأوّل علLBC عنّا، بيضلّو عم بيحلّلو. لا مش الخطاب، ... التزقيف.
كلّ محطّات التلفزة والإذاعة والمطبوعات رح تخبّرنا و تبشّرنا كم مرّة زقّفولو لقبضاي زمانو و قدّيش كان معدّل طول و عرض كل زقفة. و رح يطلعلنا شي صحافي حاطومي بيحب ينكش أكتر من غيرو ليحسبلنا كم ديسيبل كانت كل زقفة من إيام ما اخترع الكسندر غراهام بل الصوت لليوم.
خلاصة الموضوع، حضروا حالكن، في حرب جديدة بالمنطقة لإنو الحقيقة كلنا زهقنا من العراق.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Le Fatwa
Here are my Two Cents about Paris Trois, or Two Billion Dollars for that matter, at the end of the day it's all the same.
First of all, the Siniora Reform Plan is not reform or a plan, let's call it what it is a to do list. While I appreciate the work of the world bank intern who worte the list, it's more than most Lebanese public servants have ever done for the country, but it does not address any of the problems of the Lebanese abyss of public funds known as Government.
The Lebanese Economy is bleeding extensively from its severed extremities, and the proposed cure is a Band Aid Bandage. (Siniora's office just issued a statement and billboards assuringthe Lebanese people that they will get a Full Box of Band Aid, and maybe even a whole case if the opposition goes home.)
The Lebanese Economy's health is comparable to that of Ariel Sharon, so drastic measures are needed to salvage it. The Siniora reform plan simply does not do that. It will deepen the problem and then force the Lebanese to sell off all they had and still have the same problems down the road.
Higher taxes, privatization, and longer work hours are not necessarily bad, they might be necessary, but adopting these measures right now would be disasterous. It would be a reward to those who got us into this dilemma in the first place.
Let's start with the tax hike. I'll spare you all the talk about poor people being hit the worst, and all the political exploitation that the lame opposition is practicing. Any tax hike, and especially when it's an extreme 50% tax hike, should be accompanied with detailed transparent accounting of how this extra income will be spent. Funding the debt service is fine and dandy, but how about more details especially when this debt wreaks of conflict of interest. Is it really in Hariri inc.'s favor to lower the debt when they are ultimately getting a good healthy chunk of the debt servicing through their generous financial institutions. Ok, I'll keep it short and simple since these issues could go on and on.
Privatization, or more accurately Harirization, of Public properties, usually helps improve services by distancing them from the cancer of government bureaucracy. So far no problem looking at it from rightist economics. Let's look at the electric company for example. I don't buy the excuse that the problem is unfixable because the employees are politically protected, because we know that the decision to privatize the company can not pass without the political green light from the same people protecting these employees. So if Privatization is an option, then cleaning up the company should also be a viable option given there is a will to do so, since it is the same political obstacle that faces both options. Fix some of the problems and then sell off at a higher price, but the problem becomes when the potential buyer also signs for the seller in the sales transaction, would he be interested in getting the most for the people out of the sale or would he want to get a low price on the purchase.
4 extra work hours a week will increase productivity. Oh really? That shows you that Mr. Soiniora has not been to any government office. How will 4 extra hours of Solitaire help productivity? These extra hours will be punishment to the handful of workers who do actually earn their paycheck, as for the rest which are the grand majority, well they are probably rotfloling at this suggestion.
Anyways, this nonreform plan is disasterous for Lebanon, catastrophic actually and the people should prevent these commitments from being undertaken at any price. The opposition has not provided an alternative plan yet, and thus are actually acting as alibis to this robbery. Well some of the opposition figures are partners in crime with Hariri Inc. so no surprises there.
To stop this heist I hereby issue a fatwa that:
1.) any action the Lebanese people take to stop this robbery, including the breaking in and liberation of the Grand Serail, is legitimate self defense.
2.) the Lebanese people are entitled to reclaim their robbed funds in any way and as many ways they see fit; whether by robbing banks, pickpocketing Randa Berri, or just stealing grapes from the Kefraya Vineyards.
Wa 3ushtum, wa 3asha Lubnan.
First of all, the Siniora Reform Plan is not reform or a plan, let's call it what it is a to do list. While I appreciate the work of the world bank intern who worte the list, it's more than most Lebanese public servants have ever done for the country, but it does not address any of the problems of the Lebanese abyss of public funds known as Government.
The Lebanese Economy is bleeding extensively from its severed extremities, and the proposed cure is a Band Aid Bandage. (Siniora's office just issued a statement and billboards assuringthe Lebanese people that they will get a Full Box of Band Aid, and maybe even a whole case if the opposition goes home.)
The Lebanese Economy's health is comparable to that of Ariel Sharon, so drastic measures are needed to salvage it. The Siniora reform plan simply does not do that. It will deepen the problem and then force the Lebanese to sell off all they had and still have the same problems down the road.
Higher taxes, privatization, and longer work hours are not necessarily bad, they might be necessary, but adopting these measures right now would be disasterous. It would be a reward to those who got us into this dilemma in the first place.
Let's start with the tax hike. I'll spare you all the talk about poor people being hit the worst, and all the political exploitation that the lame opposition is practicing. Any tax hike, and especially when it's an extreme 50% tax hike, should be accompanied with detailed transparent accounting of how this extra income will be spent. Funding the debt service is fine and dandy, but how about more details especially when this debt wreaks of conflict of interest. Is it really in Hariri inc.'s favor to lower the debt when they are ultimately getting a good healthy chunk of the debt servicing through their generous financial institutions. Ok, I'll keep it short and simple since these issues could go on and on.
Privatization, or more accurately Harirization, of Public properties, usually helps improve services by distancing them from the cancer of government bureaucracy. So far no problem looking at it from rightist economics. Let's look at the electric company for example. I don't buy the excuse that the problem is unfixable because the employees are politically protected, because we know that the decision to privatize the company can not pass without the political green light from the same people protecting these employees. So if Privatization is an option, then cleaning up the company should also be a viable option given there is a will to do so, since it is the same political obstacle that faces both options. Fix some of the problems and then sell off at a higher price, but the problem becomes when the potential buyer also signs for the seller in the sales transaction, would he be interested in getting the most for the people out of the sale or would he want to get a low price on the purchase.
4 extra work hours a week will increase productivity. Oh really? That shows you that Mr. Soiniora has not been to any government office. How will 4 extra hours of Solitaire help productivity? These extra hours will be punishment to the handful of workers who do actually earn their paycheck, as for the rest which are the grand majority, well they are probably rotfloling at this suggestion.
Anyways, this nonreform plan is disasterous for Lebanon, catastrophic actually and the people should prevent these commitments from being undertaken at any price. The opposition has not provided an alternative plan yet, and thus are actually acting as alibis to this robbery. Well some of the opposition figures are partners in crime with Hariri Inc. so no surprises there.
To stop this heist I hereby issue a fatwa that:
1.) any action the Lebanese people take to stop this robbery, including the breaking in and liberation of the Grand Serail, is legitimate self defense.
2.) the Lebanese people are entitled to reclaim their robbed funds in any way and as many ways they see fit; whether by robbing banks, pickpocketing Randa Berri, or just stealing grapes from the Kefraya Vineyards.
Wa 3ushtum, wa 3asha Lubnan.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
What's Hanging
So I finally snapped out of my annual end of annus depression. Well, more like my depressed anus (scientific name: Lazy ass) was slapped out of it, and thankfully so.Anyways, back to business.
The Best of 2006 awards post was on a piece of paper in my back pocket, somehow it got wet and turned into one of these Rorschach inkblots which pretty much is a perfect depiction of 2006. I might attempt to recreate it, but first I must answer the question that is on everyone's mind:
What do Akil Bros, the Muslim Brotherhood, and Mayez El Bayyaa' have in common?
They all have banners with their signatures hanging in the streets of Beirut.
Why pay Pikasso for the use of their mostly illegal billboards when you can hang your own mostly illegal banner off your balcony, off the phone, the mostly illegal cable, mostly illegal internet, a laundry, or a high voltage electric line. Aside from serving as rest stops for migrating city birds (and where else could resting pigeons do their thing and wipe up in the same convenient place), Banners feature messages. Remember when it was the pigeons that actually carried the messages and the other way around? Anyways… while the messages may vary, the ropes and wires tangle is always the same.
Akil and his kin use banners to advertise 90% sales and/or remind passersby that the shop is 50m down the street. The Muslim Brotherhood and other religious fraternities constantly like to remind you about the virtues of religion since people in Lebanon aren't exposed to enough religious preaching. Politicians like Dory Chamoun and Kamal Shatila try to compensate for their lack of support on the streets with hovering banner support. As for the regular folk and Mayez El Bayyaa', they use street banners to kiss the ass of their Zaeem, dead , alive, or absent, in hopes of earning brownie points. The king of ass kissers, or should it be the queen, is a guy by the name of Wajih El Damerji. Unlike some amateurs cram multiple lines of brownnosing on their banners; Wajih El Damerji has perfected one-liner praise banner and spread it by the hundreds all over town. Damerji has actually taken it one step further, while 90% of his smooching is directed at one target, he made sure to reserve 10% of his kisses for other cheeks…just in case.
At the end of the day, street banners are another valuable free speech tool, albeit a free speech tool for those annoying people and singer whose speech you've always tried to avoid.
The Best of 2006 awards post was on a piece of paper in my back pocket, somehow it got wet and turned into one of these Rorschach inkblots which pretty much is a perfect depiction of 2006. I might attempt to recreate it, but first I must answer the question that is on everyone's mind:
What do Akil Bros, the Muslim Brotherhood, and Mayez El Bayyaa' have in common?
They all have banners with their signatures hanging in the streets of Beirut.
Why pay Pikasso for the use of their mostly illegal billboards when you can hang your own mostly illegal banner off your balcony, off the phone, the mostly illegal cable, mostly illegal internet, a laundry, or a high voltage electric line. Aside from serving as rest stops for migrating city birds (and where else could resting pigeons do their thing and wipe up in the same convenient place), Banners feature messages. Remember when it was the pigeons that actually carried the messages and the other way around? Anyways… while the messages may vary, the ropes and wires tangle is always the same.
Akil and his kin use banners to advertise 90% sales and/or remind passersby that the shop is 50m down the street. The Muslim Brotherhood and other religious fraternities constantly like to remind you about the virtues of religion since people in Lebanon aren't exposed to enough religious preaching. Politicians like Dory Chamoun and Kamal Shatila try to compensate for their lack of support on the streets with hovering banner support. As for the regular folk and Mayez El Bayyaa', they use street banners to kiss the ass of their Zaeem, dead , alive, or absent, in hopes of earning brownie points. The king of ass kissers, or should it be the queen, is a guy by the name of Wajih El Damerji. Unlike some amateurs cram multiple lines of brownnosing on their banners; Wajih El Damerji has perfected one-liner praise banner and spread it by the hundreds all over town. Damerji has actually taken it one step further, while 90% of his smooching is directed at one target, he made sure to reserve 10% of his kisses for other cheeks…just in case.
At the end of the day, street banners are another valuable free speech tool, albeit a free speech tool for those annoying people and singer whose speech you've always tried to avoid.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Banking Secrecy (Politics Free)
Banking facilities in Lebanon are world class. But don't be fooled by the spotless sparkling floors, fancy chandeliers, impeccably dressed employees, and the priceless historic artifacts that adorn the lobby, that's all just a facade. What really keeps our banks going and pumping money into all the patriotic feel good ad campaigns you see on TV and just before the feature presentatrion at the movies is not phoenecian financial whizzery but rather a precious little thing of ours that we call banking secrecy. Banking secrecy involves plenty of questionable business ethics; though that's a different issue for a different day because as advertised this post is politics free.
I was just someone that wanted to cash a measly little check for $90 that was rotting in my pocket when I stumbled upon Bank X, well Bank X and X to be more precise and we'll leave at that because again any extra information I provide could be interpreted as a political attack and I wouldn't do that. So I approach one of the six idle tellers, being the only customer in the place I had my choice; so I chose the experienced looking one against my male instincts of heading towards the cute one who seemed too entrenched in gossip to be bothered. Anywhere else in the world, you usually find a long line of customers waiting for an overworked teller to be free to process your transaction. You estimate that your bank visit will take about 20 minutes, 15 in line and 5 for the transaction. So with the tellers outnumbering the customers, me, 6 to 1; and having the simple transaction of cashing a $90 check I assumed I'd be out in 5 minutes max. Well, I was wrong. I was fooled by the flat screens and the marble counter. The fun had just commenced ...
The Teller, who will be now known as #1 for tracking purposes, took a look at the check, punched a few keys on her computer, filled up a form by hand, and printed another form, which she stapled to the rest of the paperwork. #1 stands up and walks over to #2, a middle aged man who was just bragging how he completed the Medium Level of Spider Solitaire sucessfully. #2 takes a look at all papers nods and signs and directs her towards #3, a higher up with an individual glass bowl office. Meanwhile #4, the cute teller, and #5, her bleach blond gossip partner, are getting annoyingly loud and were shushed by #6, the office dork who takes his paper shuffling job seriously. #1's phone rings, it was her daughter who just got back from school, the food was ready in the fridge and just needed reheating. #1 writes down my phone number and full address on the back of the check.That was a bit of a challenge since I don't really know if the street and/or the building that I live in even have a name, "Hamra 5th floor" didn't quite cut it. #1 stood up again and went across the room to the only smart efficient being in the building, #7, the photocopy machine. #1 came back only to be intercepted by #8, a gum chewing fully made up lady, who reminded her that she needed to photocopy the back of the check too. Note that the choice of the word "lady" was also to keep this post politics-free. #7 does the job again. #1 informs me that they have to phone the issuer of the check and that it will only take a couple of minutes. #8 was in charge of the phone call, she called and asked for the owner of the company, who happened to be in a meeting. I intervened in an effort to expedite the process, you know after all I have studied productiviy at one of the Top 7 Industrial Engineering programs in the Southeast. I suggested she calls the accountant since I doubt the owner of the company is aware of a petty $90 check. #8, the lady she is, prefered talking to the boss directly.
At this point, I was a bit ... let's just say I was overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions. After 5 minutes of #8 waiting for the owner of the check's issuing company to return her urgent call, #2 noticed that I've been standing there for the duration of a few Spider Solitaire rounds and urged #8 to "help the poor man." #8 then called again and this time she did talk to the accountant.
All in all, Bank X and X spent a combined 20 manhours of work processing this $90 check, but here's the clincher: the check was NOT cashed and I was asked to deposit it in my bank account. So more people and more time are needed for processing my $90 check, well $89 since my bank discounted a $1 processing fee, you know all these people don't work for free.
So how can a financial institution with the efficiency of the Panamanian Department of Motor Vehicles strive and splurge in a deadbeat economy?
Hey, it's a secret.
I was just someone that wanted to cash a measly little check for $90 that was rotting in my pocket when I stumbled upon Bank X, well Bank X and X to be more precise and we'll leave at that because again any extra information I provide could be interpreted as a political attack and I wouldn't do that. So I approach one of the six idle tellers, being the only customer in the place I had my choice; so I chose the experienced looking one against my male instincts of heading towards the cute one who seemed too entrenched in gossip to be bothered. Anywhere else in the world, you usually find a long line of customers waiting for an overworked teller to be free to process your transaction. You estimate that your bank visit will take about 20 minutes, 15 in line and 5 for the transaction. So with the tellers outnumbering the customers, me, 6 to 1; and having the simple transaction of cashing a $90 check I assumed I'd be out in 5 minutes max. Well, I was wrong. I was fooled by the flat screens and the marble counter. The fun had just commenced ...
The Teller, who will be now known as #1 for tracking purposes, took a look at the check, punched a few keys on her computer, filled up a form by hand, and printed another form, which she stapled to the rest of the paperwork. #1 stands up and walks over to #2, a middle aged man who was just bragging how he completed the Medium Level of Spider Solitaire sucessfully. #2 takes a look at all papers nods and signs and directs her towards #3, a higher up with an individual glass bowl office. Meanwhile #4, the cute teller, and #5, her bleach blond gossip partner, are getting annoyingly loud and were shushed by #6, the office dork who takes his paper shuffling job seriously. #1's phone rings, it was her daughter who just got back from school, the food was ready in the fridge and just needed reheating. #1 writes down my phone number and full address on the back of the check.That was a bit of a challenge since I don't really know if the street and/or the building that I live in even have a name, "Hamra 5th floor" didn't quite cut it. #1 stood up again and went across the room to the only smart efficient being in the building, #7, the photocopy machine. #1 came back only to be intercepted by #8, a gum chewing fully made up lady, who reminded her that she needed to photocopy the back of the check too. Note that the choice of the word "lady" was also to keep this post politics-free. #7 does the job again. #1 informs me that they have to phone the issuer of the check and that it will only take a couple of minutes. #8 was in charge of the phone call, she called and asked for the owner of the company, who happened to be in a meeting. I intervened in an effort to expedite the process, you know after all I have studied productiviy at one of the Top 7 Industrial Engineering programs in the Southeast. I suggested she calls the accountant since I doubt the owner of the company is aware of a petty $90 check. #8, the lady she is, prefered talking to the boss directly.
At this point, I was a bit ... let's just say I was overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions. After 5 minutes of #8 waiting for the owner of the check's issuing company to return her urgent call, #2 noticed that I've been standing there for the duration of a few Spider Solitaire rounds and urged #8 to "help the poor man." #8 then called again and this time she did talk to the accountant.
All in all, Bank X and X spent a combined 20 manhours of work processing this $90 check, but here's the clincher: the check was NOT cashed and I was asked to deposit it in my bank account. So more people and more time are needed for processing my $90 check, well $89 since my bank discounted a $1 processing fee, you know all these people don't work for free.
So how can a financial institution with the efficiency of the Panamanian Department of Motor Vehicles strive and splurge in a deadbeat economy?
Hey, it's a secret.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
ميشال أفندي
يا حضرة الجنرال العماد الدولة والرئيس والاصلاح والتغيير وكل شي،
يا أشرف الناس و أكرم الناس و أعزّ الناس و يا أحلى عالم إنت،
بدّك رئاسة الجمهوريّة؟ لك خوذ الرئاسات التلاتة و فوقن العرش الملكي الهاشمي الاردني و حبّة مسك إذا بدّك،
هلّقتنيّي صارفي إجماع وطني عهَل قضيّة، اسلام و مسيحيّة ، دروز و شيعة و سنّية.بس في شرط واحد.
بليز ، برحمة إمّك و بيّك ، بحياة لي راحوا ولّي رح يرجعوا، بنبَوّس ايديك وإجريك. إحرُق التياب لي كنت لابسها نهار الاحد الماضي! شو كاين عمبتفكّر؟ لك عيب ، في مليون واحد شافوك . منظرك كان من اساليب التعذيب المحظورة بالمعاهدات الدوليّة ، لا بغوانتانامو ولا بأبو غريب ولا حتّى بالمزّة عملوها هيدي. لو أولمرت تجرّأ و طلع هيك بالحرب كانوا انبطحوا رجال الله في الميدان و يعطيك العافية. جماعة كوير آي قلبوا سترايت واعتزلوا المهنة بس شافوك كيا زلمي.
صارلو البلد يومين تلاتة متل المضروب عراسو من صدمة هالشوفة، لك حتّى الإكسترا بوروجو ما عم ينفع.
بشرفك ما بقى تعيدا.
يا أشرف الناس و أكرم الناس و أعزّ الناس و يا أحلى عالم إنت،
بدّك رئاسة الجمهوريّة؟ لك خوذ الرئاسات التلاتة و فوقن العرش الملكي الهاشمي الاردني و حبّة مسك إذا بدّك،
هلّقتنيّي صارفي إجماع وطني عهَل قضيّة، اسلام و مسيحيّة ، دروز و شيعة و سنّية.بس في شرط واحد.
بليز ، برحمة إمّك و بيّك ، بحياة لي راحوا ولّي رح يرجعوا، بنبَوّس ايديك وإجريك. إحرُق التياب لي كنت لابسها نهار الاحد الماضي! شو كاين عمبتفكّر؟ لك عيب ، في مليون واحد شافوك . منظرك كان من اساليب التعذيب المحظورة بالمعاهدات الدوليّة ، لا بغوانتانامو ولا بأبو غريب ولا حتّى بالمزّة عملوها هيدي. لو أولمرت تجرّأ و طلع هيك بالحرب كانوا انبطحوا رجال الله في الميدان و يعطيك العافية. جماعة كوير آي قلبوا سترايت واعتزلوا المهنة بس شافوك كيا زلمي.
صارلو البلد يومين تلاتة متل المضروب عراسو من صدمة هالشوفة، لك حتّى الإكسترا بوروجو ما عم ينفع.
بشرفك ما بقى تعيدا.
متفرقات
- زافين و 666 من أجل لبنان
أنا كنت شاكك في لهلشخص من زمان
هلّق عرفت ليش بيتزرزع بدني كل ما شوفو
- أنا بحترم خالد صاغية، هو أوّل واحد بقرالو مقالتو بالأخبار بعد ما إخلص من جوزيف سماحة ، وبعد زياد لمّا يكتب، و بعد الأبراج أكيد.
بس عم لاحظ إنو كل ما أكتب عن موضوع، هو بيكتب عن نفس الموضوع (آخر مثال كان كذبة الأزعور). فعمبتسائَل هل يا ترى هيدا لانّو طاغي علينا الفكر الشمولي لي عم بيبشّرنا في بيك كليمنصو؟
- و أخيراً أغنية مهداة لملهم هلبوست يطول عمرو.
أنا كنت شاكك في لهلشخص من زمان
هلّق عرفت ليش بيتزرزع بدني كل ما شوفو
- أنا بحترم خالد صاغية، هو أوّل واحد بقرالو مقالتو بالأخبار بعد ما إخلص من جوزيف سماحة ، وبعد زياد لمّا يكتب، و بعد الأبراج أكيد.
بس عم لاحظ إنو كل ما أكتب عن موضوع، هو بيكتب عن نفس الموضوع (آخر مثال كان كذبة الأزعور). فعمبتسائَل هل يا ترى هيدا لانّو طاغي علينا الفكر الشمولي لي عم بيبشّرنا في بيك كليمنصو؟
- و أخيراً أغنية مهداة لملهم هلبوست يطول عمرو.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Check Mate
Day 13 of the opposition's sit in has passed and still no change is sight, especially now that Amr Moussa is in charge. Has Amr Moussa ever been successful at anything?
In my humble opinion, well maybe not so humble, the opposition demands are just not enough. While I'm not to quick to adopt the "One Million" figure, even though Fisk dropped the "Two Million" bomb, it is quite clear that at least an equal number of people took to the streets to protest Siniora as did to protest 30 years of brotherly/sisterly oppression. So according to the people, which in democracies...OK ...OK... I know Democracy is sooo last year, this year is all about Moderation; But still the people are at least as as angry at this government as they were with Ghazi Kanaan's and that is a quite telling fact regardless of what deals are being tailored around the actual demands of the people.
Now I'm not a moderate, at least not by this year's definition of the word, I'm clearly an extremist as I see the opposition's demand as too lame and well ... moderate. People did not march in hundreds of thousands for a national unity government with the same old faces, they marched for change. They want to move forward, or backward that's debatable, but to move regardless. With that said, I do understand the opposition's walking on eggs approach. There are too many scary scenarios, sectarian strife being possibly the least scary of them, that must be averted. The fragility of the situation in Lebanon has pushed them towards the "moderate" to avoid the heinous distinction of "democratic" which is a shame because they do have a strong and rightful case that they are fumbling away.
On the other hand, which would be the no shame hand, Siniora continues to burry his head in sand and xanax while counting on his friend and Fatfat to bail him out. I must stop and wonder about Fatfat for a second. This summer while he was the acting Minister of Interior our National Basketball team had a very respectable showing at the World Championship including a win against France, now that he has reassumed his role as Sports and Youth Minister we lose 4 straight games at the Asian Games including a loss against none other than Borat's home team; must be the Marjeyoun Zone Defense. Off course, Siniora does have another option. He can actually choose to listen to his people but that would set a bad precedent for the region.
As many regional implications as this movement might have, make no mistake that these people who took to the streets are for the most part a bunch of genuinely disgruntled citizens. No one should take them lightly or dismiss them as mere pawns as some of the kings, bishops, and rooks are doing.
Tis the Season to be Jolly...
In my humble opinion, well maybe not so humble, the opposition demands are just not enough. While I'm not to quick to adopt the "One Million" figure, even though Fisk dropped the "Two Million" bomb, it is quite clear that at least an equal number of people took to the streets to protest Siniora as did to protest 30 years of brotherly/sisterly oppression. So according to the people, which in democracies...OK ...OK... I know Democracy is sooo last year, this year is all about Moderation; But still the people are at least as as angry at this government as they were with Ghazi Kanaan's and that is a quite telling fact regardless of what deals are being tailored around the actual demands of the people.
Now I'm not a moderate, at least not by this year's definition of the word, I'm clearly an extremist as I see the opposition's demand as too lame and well ... moderate. People did not march in hundreds of thousands for a national unity government with the same old faces, they marched for change. They want to move forward, or backward that's debatable, but to move regardless. With that said, I do understand the opposition's walking on eggs approach. There are too many scary scenarios, sectarian strife being possibly the least scary of them, that must be averted. The fragility of the situation in Lebanon has pushed them towards the "moderate" to avoid the heinous distinction of "democratic" which is a shame because they do have a strong and rightful case that they are fumbling away.
On the other hand, which would be the no shame hand, Siniora continues to burry his head in sand and xanax while counting on his friend and Fatfat to bail him out. I must stop and wonder about Fatfat for a second. This summer while he was the acting Minister of Interior our National Basketball team had a very respectable showing at the World Championship including a win against France, now that he has reassumed his role as Sports and Youth Minister we lose 4 straight games at the Asian Games including a loss against none other than Borat's home team; must be the Marjeyoun Zone Defense. Off course, Siniora does have another option. He can actually choose to listen to his people but that would set a bad precedent for the region.
As many regional implications as this movement might have, make no mistake that these people who took to the streets are for the most part a bunch of genuinely disgruntled citizens. No one should take them lightly or dismiss them as mere pawns as some of the kings, bishops, and rooks are doing.
Tis the Season to be Jolly...
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
بالعربي المُشَبرَحِ
قال "بدّن يرجعوكن لورا"
ليش بعد في "لورا" لنرجعلا ، ما حرقتولا نفسا ل"لورا"
بتذكروا دعاية التيكو من شي عشرين سنة؟ بتذكروا التيكو اصلاً؟ الالتيكو كان الكرايزي غلو تبع هيديك الإيّام، الاصبع كان ينفع لاستعمال واحد موحّد و يعطيك العافية، المهمّ، كان في مرا عم بتفرفر لإنّو التيكو لزّقها عالباب. ايه هيك حالتنا اليوم، قفانا ملزّق بحيط عمبن فرفر و اصلاً ما فينا نشوف "لورا" ما بنعرف كيف خلقة حضرة جنابا، لك حتّى جناب ما فينا نشوف. محشورين بزاوية و بتقلّي "لورا"
هيدا رجل الدولة من قبل ما يصير رجل من لمّا كان بعدو بس وزير دولة لشؤون المصاري و هوّي عم بيدفش فينا "لورا" بدّك بعد أزَعوَر من ستّين الف مليار ليرا "لورا"؟
لك حتّى شوف بلاكين جيرانك بالبلس غاردن شوف، ولا علم لا فوقك ولا تحتك ولا "لوراك" . بدّك اياهن يعلقولك اعلام؟ لك روبة ما بقى يعيروك الجماعة.
قال "بدّن يرجعوكن لورا"
الله يرحما "لورا"
ملاحظة: رح إتغاضا ال"بدّن" وال"يرجعوكن" وكل معانيهن لإنّو يمكن ما كان قصدن هيك. يمكن. بس "لورا" ما فيها اي التباس ولا لباس الحمدالله، بالزلط متل ما الله خالقها.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Argileh, Cotton Candy, Dabke, Balloons,and Wiam Wahhab.
If anyone is counting on the Pro-National Unity Government protestors(known as Pro-Syrians in the American press) to get bored and go home, they better rethink their strategy as the entertainment options Downtown are never ending. (A new strategy might be to shoot at people to keep them from expressing themselves.) Some of the protestors are having more fun than they've ever had, even though they still haven't made it past the velvet rope at Buddha Bar and Asia. Kaak, Corn on the Cob, Concerts, Ice Cream Trucks, and Fortune tellers line up the open areas of Downtown Beirut. The opposition is prepared to squat for a long time. No one can question the Lebanese abilitites at squatting as only our southern neighbors can rival us in that department.
Meanwhile, the ruling coallition including those who constantly mock the notion of "Divinity" are getting religious, opening all channels of communications with God in their squatting bid. I wonder if Bassam Abu Zaid asked those at the Grand Serail mass for their IDs. I also wonder if Bassam Abu Zaid has previous experience asking for IDs. I'm not pointing any fingers....just wondering.
On a different front, Lebanon won its first medal in the ongoing Asian Games in the half-Lebanese, or is it one eighth Lebanese, city of Doha. I won't mention what event we medaled in because we don't need that reputation right now.
On a final note, does anyone know if London's Serious Fraud Office is available as a franchise?
UPDATE: Future TV's news ticker reports that the residents of the alley that runs behind the gas station deny that they denied Future TV's earlier claim that the above mentioned citizens denied Manar TV's ticker report that they denied the earlier Future news ticker item that they support the government.
Meanwhile, the ruling coallition including those who constantly mock the notion of "Divinity" are getting religious, opening all channels of communications with God in their squatting bid. I wonder if Bassam Abu Zaid asked those at the Grand Serail mass for their IDs. I also wonder if Bassam Abu Zaid has previous experience asking for IDs. I'm not pointing any fingers....just wondering.
On a different front, Lebanon won its first medal in the ongoing Asian Games in the half-Lebanese, or is it one eighth Lebanese, city of Doha. I won't mention what event we medaled in because we don't need that reputation right now.
On a final note, does anyone know if London's Serious Fraud Office is available as a franchise?
UPDATE: Future TV's news ticker reports that the residents of the alley that runs behind the gas station deny that they denied Future TV's earlier claim that the above mentioned citizens denied Manar TV's ticker report that they denied the earlier Future news ticker item that they support the government.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Little Tidbits
Sports and Youth Minister Ahmad Fatfat was a communist not so long ago. He was so staunchly anti-God that he refused to go into a mosque to pray after his faher's death. Yesterday he was right behind the Mufti in the Grand Seraille prayinng hard to keep his job.
When the time comes, Sleiman Frangieh will go down in history as the most entertaining president in the history of Lebanon. If we're going to have a useless president, he might as well be a vulgar clown.
Book Cooking Minister Jihad Azour said yesterday that Lebanon loses $70 Million a day because of the anti-government protests . That is a flat out lie. You don't need to be a finance whiz to find out that this number is grossly over exaggerated. (Lebanon's GDP is approximately $20 Billion. Imports are about $8 Billion. So for Azour's number to be close to being accurate, Lebanon's Consumption + Investments + Government Spending + Exports must be ZERO!! on every day the protests take place. ZERO means complete paralysis, people don't work, don't eat, don't drive, don't watch TV, just don't.)
The protest site is Downtown facing the Grand Seraille, all other forms of motorized and loud expression of stances whether for or against the government must be stopped. Oh, wait the ISF is too busy harrassing Sukleen workers. Seriously though, ISF is understaffed. 22,000 Policemen for the whole country is way below world averages, yet our crime rate is respectable. So we do have potential to be something special if we did things right for once.
Speaking of potential Gold, Lebanon Basketball plays Uzbekistan today in Doha's Asian games at 17:15 Beirut Time.
When the time comes, Sleiman Frangieh will go down in history as the most entertaining president in the history of Lebanon. If we're going to have a useless president, he might as well be a vulgar clown.
Book Cooking Minister Jihad Azour said yesterday that Lebanon loses $70 Million a day because of the anti-government protests . That is a flat out lie. You don't need to be a finance whiz to find out that this number is grossly over exaggerated. (Lebanon's GDP is approximately $20 Billion. Imports are about $8 Billion. So for Azour's number to be close to being accurate, Lebanon's Consumption + Investments + Government Spending + Exports must be ZERO!! on every day the protests take place. ZERO means complete paralysis, people don't work, don't eat, don't drive, don't watch TV, just don't.)
The protest site is Downtown facing the Grand Seraille, all other forms of motorized and loud expression of stances whether for or against the government must be stopped. Oh, wait the ISF is too busy harrassing Sukleen workers. Seriously though, ISF is understaffed. 22,000 Policemen for the whole country is way below world averages, yet our crime rate is respectable. So we do have potential to be something special if we did things right for once.
Speaking of potential Gold, Lebanon Basketball plays Uzbekistan today in Doha's Asian games at 17:15 Beirut Time.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Unacceptable Behavior
Here's an incident that happened yesterday between 2 men in uniform, an Internal Security Force Officer and a Sukleen Street Sweeper.
The Sukleen employee was doing his job sweeping the dirt and trash into a pile that he can then shovel into his collection bin. The officer who is entrusted with law enforcement was manning a security booth facing the residence of a VIP, or VVIP a la Libanaise. The officer suddenly decided to enforce his boot on the pile of dirt, kicked it around, and ordered the Sukleen employee in a very nice manner to sweep it again; all while sharing a hearty laugh with his subordinate.
My friend who was appalled by what he witnessed intervened telling the officer to consider that he's dealing with a human being. The officer's disgusting, though expected, response to my friend was: "OK, now we know what color you are."
Earning stripes at a record pace....
The Sukleen employee was doing his job sweeping the dirt and trash into a pile that he can then shovel into his collection bin. The officer who is entrusted with law enforcement was manning a security booth facing the residence of a VIP, or VVIP a la Libanaise. The officer suddenly decided to enforce his boot on the pile of dirt, kicked it around, and ordered the Sukleen employee in a very nice manner to sweep it again; all while sharing a hearty laugh with his subordinate.
My friend who was appalled by what he witnessed intervened telling the officer to consider that he's dealing with a human being. The officer's disgusting, though expected, response to my friend was: "OK, now we know what color you are."
Earning stripes at a record pace....
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
No Fear Here
Stop the silly talk of a civil war now. There is no Civil war around here, despite blood being on the trading floor these days. Stop it, I don't want to hear it anymore.
Governmental change does not start war in democracies. The insinuation that possible change might lead to violence is a scare tactic that has no place in a democracy, unless the ruling parties want to prohibit the prospect of change and the concept of opposition. I wonder where they could've learned these democratic practices from? Hmmm....
Anyways, there is no fear of that style of democracy in Lebanon because the team aspiring for eternal rule is a bit, how should I put it nicely, ... clueless and weak. They don't have much power to abuse or the know-how of power abuse, so they resort to demagogic manipulation of people's emotions. But enough already, they are not going to get anywhere with acting tough. They cannot rule against the will of the majority of the Lebanese people. Syria couldn't do it, and neither could Israel with the backing of the world's super best friends; so how the heck is Nayla Mouawad expected to hold up.
So enough talk about Civil war. Abdullah of Jordan is talking about it, if that isn't the ultimate proof that this talk is just plain silly, I don't know what is.
One more thing, if the humble demand of a "National Unity Government" will cause WAR, what will happen (and the time will eventually come) when people ask their Zaeems for more rights or a minimum level of accountability? Armageddon?
Governmental change does not start war in democracies. The insinuation that possible change might lead to violence is a scare tactic that has no place in a democracy, unless the ruling parties want to prohibit the prospect of change and the concept of opposition. I wonder where they could've learned these democratic practices from? Hmmm....
Anyways, there is no fear of that style of democracy in Lebanon because the team aspiring for eternal rule is a bit, how should I put it nicely, ... clueless and weak. They don't have much power to abuse or the know-how of power abuse, so they resort to demagogic manipulation of people's emotions. But enough already, they are not going to get anywhere with acting tough. They cannot rule against the will of the majority of the Lebanese people. Syria couldn't do it, and neither could Israel with the backing of the world's super best friends; so how the heck is Nayla Mouawad expected to hold up.
So enough talk about Civil war. Abdullah of Jordan is talking about it, if that isn't the ultimate proof that this talk is just plain silly, I don't know what is.
One more thing, if the humble demand of a "National Unity Government" will cause WAR, what will happen (and the time will eventually come) when people ask their Zaeems for more rights or a minimum level of accountability? Armageddon?
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Out Sick
On tuesday afternoon I was writing a light hearted post about Lebanese idiosyncrasies when I heard the sickening news of the assassination of Pierre Gemayyel. Then; I literally got sick with a flu, which or might or might not be related to the week's events, that had me in bed the past three days. So I apologize for being missing in action this action filled week.
First of all, the senseless, cowardly assassinations must stop. If you can't confront Pierre Gemayyel peacefully, then you are too incompetent to be in politics. Someone by the name of Salim Salhab got double the votes Pierre got in Metn, so eliminating him as a political foe can be done easily without having to resort to violence.
And if terrorist crime is your domain, then go find yourself somewhere more challenging than Lebanon and its open house policy on security. What satisfaction can you possibly derive from gunning down a father of two who was just leaving a church. Could you find a more vulnerable target? He was in a Kia for God's sake, A Kia.
For the record, I do not condone more challenging assassinations either. Assassinations are so passe. The last appealing assassination was Julius Caesar's; the practice has been losing its luster ever since . They must cease.
Another practice that must cease is the exploitation of blood and grief for political gains. Sadly, every group has spilled blood on this land. And we definitely shouldn't get into blood quality and quantity arguments.
Also some people should shut up for their own sake. These people harm their own cause every single time they open their mouths. (I will not name these people because it is against Lebanese law to insult one of them, and it is against my neighborhood's closed circuit TV surveillance law to critcize the other.)
Speaking of ... about a week ago I was running to get cover on a rainy night and I slipped and fell hard on my back. It was quite a sight and it was surely captured by the above mentioned surveillance cams. Can someone with connections get me a copy of the tape so I can post it here?
First of all, the senseless, cowardly assassinations must stop. If you can't confront Pierre Gemayyel peacefully, then you are too incompetent to be in politics. Someone by the name of Salim Salhab got double the votes Pierre got in Metn, so eliminating him as a political foe can be done easily without having to resort to violence.
And if terrorist crime is your domain, then go find yourself somewhere more challenging than Lebanon and its open house policy on security. What satisfaction can you possibly derive from gunning down a father of two who was just leaving a church. Could you find a more vulnerable target? He was in a Kia for God's sake, A Kia.
For the record, I do not condone more challenging assassinations either. Assassinations are so passe. The last appealing assassination was Julius Caesar's; the practice has been losing its luster ever since . They must cease.
Another practice that must cease is the exploitation of blood and grief for political gains. Sadly, every group has spilled blood on this land. And we definitely shouldn't get into blood quality and quantity arguments.
Also some people should shut up for their own sake. These people harm their own cause every single time they open their mouths. (I will not name these people because it is against Lebanese law to insult one of them, and it is against my neighborhood's closed circuit TV surveillance law to critcize the other.)
Speaking of ... about a week ago I was running to get cover on a rainy night and I slipped and fell hard on my back. It was quite a sight and it was surely captured by the above mentioned surveillance cams. Can someone with connections get me a copy of the tape so I can post it here?
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
The Holier Than Thou Alliance
I've been calling for the resignation of this Cabinet since shortly after its formation, or was it shortly before its conception... Anyways, the promised super creative steps (I doubt Saatchi and Saatchi will be involved in these) taken in the coming weeks to topple the Siniora government are long overdue, even at the risk of losing out on another begging opportunity in Paris. Just when the government was about to secure Lebanon's prosperity and erase the massive debt which was inflicted on us by Shahe Barsoumian and the Holy Ghost, here comes change and a start from scratch.
Change is imminent. There is no point in wasting any time on the futile attempts to avert it. Trying to instill fear in people has been overdone (you know the boy who cried Wolf). If you really want to rally people behind your cause, you need to have more tricks in your repertoire or maybe cosider having ... a cause.
So I will move ahead.
Let me be the first to call for the resignation of the Hezbollah-Free Patriotic Movement government. Not immediately since they have earned a shot at ruling the country with their democratic presence, but eventually they must go... They claim to be Clean and Divine, and they might very well be just that. But how long will this country continue to live on a diet of pure rhetoric? What is Hezbollah and FPM's plan to put the governmental instituions on the right track, reduce the debt, improve educations and medical care, and create jobs? All the successive government have had these goals, but where is the progress on these issues? Granted no one can be as inept as the current government, but still the people deserve to know what they are getting themselves into.
Trusting Abu Hadi and Abu El Meesh blindly isn't enough to build a country; Lebanon has trusted other Abus before and look where that has gotten the country. They'll get their chance and I wish them luck for the sake of Lebanon, but I want something better.
Change is imminent. There is no point in wasting any time on the futile attempts to avert it. Trying to instill fear in people has been overdone (you know the boy who cried Wolf). If you really want to rally people behind your cause, you need to have more tricks in your repertoire or maybe cosider having ... a cause.
So I will move ahead.
Let me be the first to call for the resignation of the Hezbollah-Free Patriotic Movement government. Not immediately since they have earned a shot at ruling the country with their democratic presence, but eventually they must go... They claim to be Clean and Divine, and they might very well be just that. But how long will this country continue to live on a diet of pure rhetoric? What is Hezbollah and FPM's plan to put the governmental instituions on the right track, reduce the debt, improve educations and medical care, and create jobs? All the successive government have had these goals, but where is the progress on these issues? Granted no one can be as inept as the current government, but still the people deserve to know what they are getting themselves into.
Trusting Abu Hadi and Abu El Meesh blindly isn't enough to build a country; Lebanon has trusted other Abus before and look where that has gotten the country. They'll get their chance and I wish them luck for the sake of Lebanon, but I want something better.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Practicing My Rusty Arabic
إذا أردتَ أن تعرف ماذا يحصل في بنت جبيل، عليك أن تعرف ماذا يحصل في فرجينيا. حكمة بورازانية ليست محكومة بزمنٍ ما. ها نحن وبينما ابن بنت جبيل يلتحف سماء الشّتاء النائلة منه ستّين نيلة تدور على بعد مسافة غير قصيرة من جبل عامل معركة انتخابية ضارية من أبرز عناوينها حظر الزّواج المثليّ.
المقاوم الجبيلي خاض معركته دفاعاً عن أرضه، فضحّى بأغلى ما عنده، وخسر بيته من أجل حياةٍ حرّة كريمة.
معركة فرجينيا مختلفة ، فمثليّو فرجينيا يعيشون حياتهم الحرّة الكريمة وإن لم تلتزم باسم الولاية التي يقطنون . لكنّهم يريدون الاعتراف الرّسمي بقرانهم وما يرافق هذا الاعتراف من امتيازاتٍ في نظامهم الضّرائبيّ. لكنّ معركتهم شرسة إذ أنّ عدوّهم في البيت الأبيض يجيّش أنصاره المحافظين لممارسة إرادة الله بمنع المثليّين من هذه الامتيازات الضريبيّة.ذلك بعد أن سَلَّموا بأن ليس في إمكان لا وزارة أمنهم القومي ولا الباتريوت آكت ان يمنع ما يجري خلف الأبواب المغلقة. طبعاَ هناك رغبة لدى الأخ الاكبر الجمهوري بتغيير هذا الواقع في المستقبل.
أمّا مستقبل ابن بنت جبيل، فمرتبطٌ بهذه المعركة( وبباريس 3 كما يقال له) نتيجة تبسيط وتقليص برنامجٍ انتخابيّ طويل عريض بما فيه من قضايا في السياسة داخلية وخارجيّة واقتصاد وتعليم و ... و… إلى قضية واحدة سهلة التّرويج في مجتمعٍ عمق إطّلاعه السياسيّ مقتصر على ما يراه في البريك الإعلاني لبرنامج أوبراه
اليوم يتلاهف جيش بوش الوفي على مراكز الاقتراع بهدف منع الزّواج المثليّ. هذا هو الأمر الأهمّ بل الأوحد الذي يجذب محافظي فرجينيا إلى الدّيمقراطية. الصّورة نفسها تتكرّر في الولايات الأربع الأخرى المتأرجحة القرار. مصير أكثريّة بوش في مجلس الشّيوخ تتّكل على مدى الحماسة الانتخابيّة يوم الاقتراع لمدّعي العلاء الأخلاقي. أكثريّةٌ قد تعني أنّ مشروع الشّرق الأوسط الجديد (الأخلاقي بامتياز) ماضٍ ماضٍ ماضٍ على أنقاض بنت جبيل. هكذا يجد ابن بنت جبيل نفسه في الخندق ذاته مع مثليّي فرجينيا.
قد يخسروا الانتخابات التّي لا تعنيهم أصلاَ، لكنّهم لن يُهزَموا أبداَ في معركة حقّهم. واحد ينتصر بمقاومة بطوليّة، أمّا الآخرون فلهم مقاومتهم و إن وُصِفَت بِلوطيَّة.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Friday, November 03, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Lebanese Sausage Fest , The Re-erection
As our esteemed leaders are slated to reconvene Monday, many are wondering what their plans are for this round of round table chit chat. I will tell you what each of them wants, what they really really want.
I'll start with the godfather of the parliament who has successfully combined the characteristics of super glue and teflon in his persona. Nabih Berri loves the status quo and would love for it to continue forever. His natural fit is as the third side in unholy trinity of war criminals along with Geagea and Jumblatt. However, his popular base is enamored with the most Holy of men which puts him in a tough position that he skillfully transformed into a position of strength, way too much strength. He was able to place himself as the only bridge between the rival currents and thus the savior of the nation. If either camp was to gain full control of the government Mr. X would be reduced to second tier under the big kahunas of each camp.
The Bristol Team has one goal and they must work together to attain it. They want to weather the storm and hold ground. If they must give up the veto power in the cabinet, they can't do it for free. Ideally that would be one of theirs in Baabda, but realistically a compromise candidate in Baabda would be the best they can get. Judging by their performance over the last 18 months though, they will probably come out empty handed yet again.
The Orange team wants to go all out; new elections and a new cabinet (and in 10 months a new Prez) where they'd get the king's share. They know that Hezbollah would defer to them the leading role in a new cabinet because they would look sexier to the west, in spite of the Bristol media (nothing to do with ESPN) attempts at Syrianizing them.
Hezbollah would love to get their National Unity government by tweaking the current ministerial line up. They do not want to lose the perfect scapegoat in the person of Siniora. That way they would get their veto power without being burdened with more responsibilities at a time when they can buy time and just watch the Bristol team self-destruct. However, if that best case scenario fails to materialize, they will not hesitate to go all out and appease their allies.
Of course none of this would be possible without the presence of my boy Elie Skaff on the table without whom there would be no quorum.
Allah ykhallilna sale3tak ya iben Zahleh el bar.
I'll start with the godfather of the parliament who has successfully combined the characteristics of super glue and teflon in his persona. Nabih Berri loves the status quo and would love for it to continue forever. His natural fit is as the third side in unholy trinity of war criminals along with Geagea and Jumblatt. However, his popular base is enamored with the most Holy of men which puts him in a tough position that he skillfully transformed into a position of strength, way too much strength. He was able to place himself as the only bridge between the rival currents and thus the savior of the nation. If either camp was to gain full control of the government Mr. X would be reduced to second tier under the big kahunas of each camp.
The Bristol Team has one goal and they must work together to attain it. They want to weather the storm and hold ground. If they must give up the veto power in the cabinet, they can't do it for free. Ideally that would be one of theirs in Baabda, but realistically a compromise candidate in Baabda would be the best they can get. Judging by their performance over the last 18 months though, they will probably come out empty handed yet again.
The Orange team wants to go all out; new elections and a new cabinet (and in 10 months a new Prez) where they'd get the king's share. They know that Hezbollah would defer to them the leading role in a new cabinet because they would look sexier to the west, in spite of the Bristol media (nothing to do with ESPN) attempts at Syrianizing them.
Hezbollah would love to get their National Unity government by tweaking the current ministerial line up. They do not want to lose the perfect scapegoat in the person of Siniora. That way they would get their veto power without being burdened with more responsibilities at a time when they can buy time and just watch the Bristol team self-destruct. However, if that best case scenario fails to materialize, they will not hesitate to go all out and appease their allies.
Of course none of this would be possible without the presence of my boy Elie Skaff on the table without whom there would be no quorum.
Allah ykhallilna sale3tak ya iben Zahleh el bar.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
From Lebanon 21
Jallab
The new world brought us Coca Cola; a hydrating concoction of phosphoric acid, sugar, and coloring. I must admit it is a quite refreshing beverage; in an ulcer inducing kind of way.
In Lebanon, well in the Middle East to be more precise, the ultimate thirst quencher is Jallab.
Jallab is two parts. The chilled liquid part is made from a syrup concocted (yes I love the verb concoct and all of its concoctions) from dates, grapes, and rose water. Part two is best described by the waiter at the Phoenicia Hotel that approached me last week and offered me in a heavily accented English, "Would you like nuts in your Jallab, Sir?" I am not ashamed to say that I gladly accepted his proposition for a Jallab is incomplete without a handful of fresh fine nuts. Actually the nut mix will reveal the quality of the Jallab in most cases. If all that's floating in your drink are pistachios and unidentifiable living organisms, then you are a cheap bastard who doesn't want to spend more than a thou on his drink. Pine nuts are a must, so are almonds. Cashew nuts are a bonus, but some raisins should be there for an extra oomph.
Baaam..
There you have Lebanon's most popular drink (after Coke, Pepsi, Coca Cola Light, Diet 7 up, Mirinda, and Starbucks' Grande Mocha Frappo Latte of course).
The new world brought us Coca Cola; a hydrating concoction of phosphoric acid, sugar, and coloring. I must admit it is a quite refreshing beverage; in an ulcer inducing kind of way.
In Lebanon, well in the Middle East to be more precise, the ultimate thirst quencher is Jallab.
Jallab is two parts. The chilled liquid part is made from a syrup concocted (yes I love the verb concoct and all of its concoctions) from dates, grapes, and rose water. Part two is best described by the waiter at the Phoenicia Hotel that approached me last week and offered me in a heavily accented English, "Would you like nuts in your Jallab, Sir?" I am not ashamed to say that I gladly accepted his proposition for a Jallab is incomplete without a handful of fresh fine nuts. Actually the nut mix will reveal the quality of the Jallab in most cases. If all that's floating in your drink are pistachios and unidentifiable living organisms, then you are a cheap bastard who doesn't want to spend more than a thou on his drink. Pine nuts are a must, so are almonds. Cashew nuts are a bonus, but some raisins should be there for an extra oomph.
Baaam..
There you have Lebanon's most popular drink (after Coke, Pepsi, Coca Cola Light, Diet 7 up, Mirinda, and Starbucks' Grande Mocha Frappo Latte of course).
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Indisputable Picture Evidence
It IS a Moustache... I think.
(Thanks Cuz for the Picture, and Sorry for cropping you out but Cropping is my only photoshop skill so I have to use it everytime I get a chance.)
A Lebanese Newspaper
There are no newspapers out today in Beirut because of the End of Ramadan holiday. I feel obliged to fill the void for those of us who must get their daily dose of repetetive propaganda rants to get their day going.
As you know, Beirut features 713 daily newspapers which is roughly double the number of news paper readers in the country. Circulation is not really an issue as all newspapers' publishing expenses are covered by rich people and countries. Anyways, 712 of these dailies run the same format. The lone exception is Al Balad which decided that writers are overrated in the newspaper business and has replaced all writers on the staff with photographers and google image searchers.
So here you have what today's newspapers would've looked like.
The feature headline must be scandalous and not necessarily true so we can go with "Brammertz: Hariri died of Avian Flu" followed by supportive evidence and then what really is going on in smaller print like "Avian Flu case confirmed in Homs" and then "Bunch of Dudes and Nayla Mouawad have Nescafe and Petifour at Bristol."
The front page editorial is always an "I told you so" that proves the newspaper's credibility. "Back in the 80's you all made fun of my 70's wardrobe. Today it's back in style, so stop mocking my toupe."
Pages 2-6 feature one opinion piece that is based on conversations with a ton of anonymous well informed sources, one investigave report based on testimonials of anonymous well informed sources, and the following news items:
Siniora thanks so and so for their Generous Pledge of Support
Berri Smirks about his Ability to Get Away with Murder
Former PM Hoss after meeting with Tunisian delegate: We must maintain a good relationship with Syria
Patriarch Sfeir after hosting Harb: We insist on a Unified position (Wihdat Al Saff)
Lahoud after confirming the Ambassador of Latvia: Chirac wants my Back
Fadhlallah in Friday's Sermon : Beware of Conspiracies
Walid Eido: Look at me, look at me, look at me
Page 7 is where the newspaper tries to connect with the people by trying to bring up their problems like "Parking problem near An-Nahar Bldg. causes Citizens major delays".
The economy page has been reprinted exactly the same way for the past 15 years and no one has noticed, just look at it tomorrow and you'll see the following headlines: "US Dollar exchange rate is 1507.5 Liras", "Year nearing End and no Budget in Sight", and "Salameh: Banking Sector in Great Shape".
Sports pages always talk about teams financial woes and fan fights on the local scene, while internationally it's all about Ronaldinho and Tennis for some reason.
Culture page features Haifa or a look alike and some frustrated arab writer who blames his shitty writing on imperialism.
(The Horoscopes go here, but some girl ripped them out to show them to her friend.)
As you know, Beirut features 713 daily newspapers which is roughly double the number of news paper readers in the country. Circulation is not really an issue as all newspapers' publishing expenses are covered by rich people and countries. Anyways, 712 of these dailies run the same format. The lone exception is Al Balad which decided that writers are overrated in the newspaper business and has replaced all writers on the staff with photographers and google image searchers.
So here you have what today's newspapers would've looked like.
The feature headline must be scandalous and not necessarily true so we can go with "Brammertz: Hariri died of Avian Flu" followed by supportive evidence and then what really is going on in smaller print like "Avian Flu case confirmed in Homs" and then "Bunch of Dudes and Nayla Mouawad have Nescafe and Petifour at Bristol."
The front page editorial is always an "I told you so" that proves the newspaper's credibility. "Back in the 80's you all made fun of my 70's wardrobe. Today it's back in style, so stop mocking my toupe."
Pages 2-6 feature one opinion piece that is based on conversations with a ton of anonymous well informed sources, one investigave report based on testimonials of anonymous well informed sources, and the following news items:
Siniora thanks so and so for their Generous Pledge of Support
Berri Smirks about his Ability to Get Away with Murder
Former PM Hoss after meeting with Tunisian delegate: We must maintain a good relationship with Syria
Patriarch Sfeir after hosting Harb: We insist on a Unified position (Wihdat Al Saff)
Lahoud after confirming the Ambassador of Latvia: Chirac wants my Back
Fadhlallah in Friday's Sermon : Beware of Conspiracies
Walid Eido: Look at me, look at me, look at me
Page 7 is where the newspaper tries to connect with the people by trying to bring up their problems like "Parking problem near An-Nahar Bldg. causes Citizens major delays".
The economy page has been reprinted exactly the same way for the past 15 years and no one has noticed, just look at it tomorrow and you'll see the following headlines: "US Dollar exchange rate is 1507.5 Liras", "Year nearing End and no Budget in Sight", and "Salameh: Banking Sector in Great Shape".
Sports pages always talk about teams financial woes and fan fights on the local scene, while internationally it's all about Ronaldinho and Tennis for some reason.
Culture page features Haifa or a look alike and some frustrated arab writer who blames his shitty writing on imperialism.
(The Horoscopes go here, but some girl ripped them out to show them to her friend.)
Finally, the back cover features odd news items off the wires, a random picture of Kellaj that I had promised before, and the silly Caricature du Jour which I will replace with this witty sketch by Amal.
I hope this quenches your newspaper cravings until tomorrow.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Assad I, Bush I, Iraq I, Assad II, Bush II, Iraq II and Lebanon
The picture above depicts what happened when Assad I appeased Bush I during Iraq I. Syrian soldiers dancing over what was later (last year) discovered to be a mass grave of Lebanese soldiers in Yarze.
This scene would've been reproduced in March 2005 in Martyrs' Square had Assad II done what Bush II wanted him to do in his Iraq II Project for spreading freedom, democracy, moderation, subserviency in the Middle East.
Fortunately for us, Assad II's defiance was in the Lebanese people's advantage as we got rid of, to some extent, brotherly bullying. Of course nothing is for free. The price we had to pay was a period of instability that is far from over.
Back to October 13th, 1990, I lived in Chtaura in the Bekaa which isn't exactly the commercial air traffic capital in the world. The only air traffic I witnessed growing up was that of Israeli fighter jets taking care of building code violations in the area by leveling buildings on their occupants. The morning of that day was exceptional as the fighter jets in the air were different. They sounded as if they had a broken exhaust pipe and they were coming from the East. Minutes later they returned and the battle was over. Syria was awarded a full control lease of Lebanon as a return favor for their full support of Iraq I, a lease deal that was up for renewal in 2005.
On a positive note, the events of that day meant I could now go ski in Faraya and watch Theatre du 10 Heurs at Portemilio Kaslik, two things high on my priorities' list as a young teenager. I wonder how much would my Pierre Chamassian autograph fetch on Ebay.
This weekend the Aounists commemorate that day, a day the whole world abandoned them as they stood all alone facing the Syrian occupation. Of course, you wouldn't get that impression if you see Al Mustaqbal's main headline today, but again they have an insatiable orange fetish.
In this occasion, I want to give some due credit to the Aounists. They have proven over the years to be the most "Lebanese" major political party in Lebanon. In a country where most major players draw strength from external sources to enhance their local presence (some have actually openly and shamelessly called themselves "tools"), the Aounists have patiently and painfully built a solid movement on the strength of a Lebanese base. While I don't support Aoun for president (though he will be), the example the Free Patriotic Movement has set can be a model for other "Lebanese" parties to follow. If the orange crew could overcome the hardships of the past 16 years to stand today as one of the Top 3 political parties in the country, then there is hope for some party with a better vision for Lebanon to follow the same path and succeed without embassy shortcuts or seesawing principles.
Now who's got the energy and commitment to go for it?
*Photo Source: Al Akhbar
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I'll pick up the pace soon
I've been extremely busy that past few days, but I should be able to post more frequently soon. Especially, since the next few weeks WILL BE action packed. So says Michel Hayek, or was it a different Michel who promised that?
Meanwhile, here's something I wrote in response to some braggarts.
Meanwhile, here's something I wrote in response to some braggarts.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
From Lebanon (Ramadan Edition)
The Msaharati
The residents of this strip of land might have invented the alfabet, but they will never be able to spell "noise ordinance." Noise pollution is part of life in this city and you have to adapt to it. Puncturing your eardrums with a Pencil would work, but then you wouldn't know how Haifa plans to top "Wawa". So instead you condition your body to not hear the regular dream interrupting noises like the dawn calls to prayer, the shrieking water pump that the neighbors forgot to turn off when they left the country in 1975, and little Nadine's Saturday morning piano lesson.
Seasonal noise events, like the entire population of Lebanon chanting "Barazil" or Israeli F-16's experimenting with bunker buster bombs, shock the system and break down your defense mechanism, which leaves you struggling again with an enemy you thought you had outsmarted.
A dude banging a drum and screaming his lungs out at 3 a.m. is one of these factors that aren't programmed into your night noise blocking system. That's the Msaharati. His message is "Wake up and Eat." A noble cause except he is the bar tender who pokes a passed-out drunkard to sell him one more drink.
The best part about the Msaharati is that he will come to your door the day after Ramadan to "wish you a happy holiday". No Shame whatsoever.
The Msaharati, a Ramadan tradition for karaoke bar rejects.
The residents of this strip of land might have invented the alfabet, but they will never be able to spell "noise ordinance." Noise pollution is part of life in this city and you have to adapt to it. Puncturing your eardrums with a Pencil would work, but then you wouldn't know how Haifa plans to top "Wawa". So instead you condition your body to not hear the regular dream interrupting noises like the dawn calls to prayer, the shrieking water pump that the neighbors forgot to turn off when they left the country in 1975, and little Nadine's Saturday morning piano lesson.
Seasonal noise events, like the entire population of Lebanon chanting "Barazil" or Israeli F-16's experimenting with bunker buster bombs, shock the system and break down your defense mechanism, which leaves you struggling again with an enemy you thought you had outsmarted.
A dude banging a drum and screaming his lungs out at 3 a.m. is one of these factors that aren't programmed into your night noise blocking system. That's the Msaharati. His message is "Wake up and Eat." A noble cause except he is the bar tender who pokes a passed-out drunkard to sell him one more drink.
The best part about the Msaharati is that he will come to your door the day after Ramadan to "wish you a happy holiday". No Shame whatsoever.
The Msaharati, a Ramadan tradition for karaoke bar rejects.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Out your "Salon" Talk
We all know that in Lebanon everyone talks about everybody else. The topic could be about clothing, wedding parties, but passions run especially high when it comes to sectarian politics. This phenomenon is better known as "7aki Salonet." It involves anything from sectarian jokes to below the belt insults. These gatherings always work on the pretext that every single thing "our sect" does is right, and everything the "others" do is wrong. Of course the Sect could even be a sub-sect or a "3ashire" but the concept doesn't change.
In an effort to encourage intercommunity communications; to make people to open up to each other; to express their fears and their freudian complexes. I will open up this forum, and for one time only, to open sectarian bashing.
So at the risk of igniting a civil war, what is being said in the "Salons" that you frequent? Yes I know that no one in your family is like that, they all are a tolerant bunch, but what have you overheard your neighbors say?
Bring it all out: the jokes, the conspiracy theories, the Holier than Thou talk, the dirty laundry, etc... Fear nothing for God and internet anonymity are on your side.
Note: Please stick to topic, any unrelated comment will be deleted.
In an effort to encourage intercommunity communications; to make people to open up to each other; to express their fears and their freudian complexes. I will open up this forum, and for one time only, to open sectarian bashing.
So at the risk of igniting a civil war, what is being said in the "Salons" that you frequent? Yes I know that no one in your family is like that, they all are a tolerant bunch, but what have you overheard your neighbors say?
Bring it all out: the jokes, the conspiracy theories, the Holier than Thou talk, the dirty laundry, etc... Fear nothing for God and internet anonymity are on your side.
Note: Please stick to topic, any unrelated comment will be deleted.
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