From Lebanon on and off

Getting stuck in the ascenseur

Just when you think that you have mastered the game, that the rules no longer apply to you; a major coup swiftly puts you back in place.

After four years of always escaping, of knowing exactly when to risk it and when to feign extra energy for five flights of stairs; one week got me twice. In both incidents the ever-present Natour was nowhere near his lair. In the first case; ten minutes in the heat and in the dark in close proximity to 7 strangers clearly put in perspective the number of emigrants fleeing the country. The 10 minutes should be multiplied by the dog year- human year factor to get the “felt like” time. While the second time around, a struggle to pull my body up into the Shibr wide opening out of the cabin was a blunt warning that the long overdue gym visit cannot be put off any longer.

Personal issues aside, getting stuck in the ascenseur is a rite of passage here. You cannot delay the inevitable indefinitely. Its risk factor has to be taken into consideration every time you are getting off the ground aiming for higher floors. Grocery shopping, garbage collection, wakes, tea time, and other social gatherings are scheduled around possible outage times. As you know, most mascara brands are not stuck-in-the-ascenseur proof. To be fair, this ritual is not all bad, there is one positive about it: it kills the music.

Stuck in the ascenseur; another slightly inconvenience in a long line of Lebanese inconveniences.

From Lebanon neither 8 nor 14

The order of engineers windshield sticker

First of all, you would think that with the centuries spent cumulatively in various design classes the order would come up with a more aesthetically pleasing sticker. Well, any attempt to alter the logo in the current politically charged environment would undoubtedly lead to a color battle that would make a gay pride parade seem pale.

The sticker is there as is, but why is it so common? It must be for insurance purposes or some quirk like that because I can't understand why would anyone want to brag that his or her Harvard aerospace engineering degree has landed them a Picanto; in installments over the next 7 years.
Or maybe mister engineer wants to divert your attention with his dazzling order of engineers windshield sticker away from that red license plate that adorns his car.

A tough job market, struggling engineers, a yearly reminder call from your sectarian party representative, and kickass math skills: these come together symbolically packaged in that boxy design of the order of engineers windshield sticker in Lebanon.

لا خاسر ولا مخسور

I think it's time I lift my self imposed gag order. I'm a person who lives in a state of denial. I could not handle the Lebanese week of honesty. People expressing their feelings freely was long overdue in Lebanon, and what do you know; all it took was a few days of open hatred and then  a la Emeril Lagasse ... Baam a group hug to heal all. 

Here's how Andre Breton defined Surrealism:

Psychic automatism in its pure state, by which one proposes to express -- verbally, by means of the written word, or in any other manner -- the actual functioning of thought. Dictated by the thought, in the absence of any control exercised by reason, exempt from any aesthetic or moral concern.

و بيتين عتابا للمناسبة

سبع بورومبو معيّد بواحَد و مأضْرِب بسبعة مايو

ما في شغل، نازل عالبحر و معو لابسة سبعة مايو

اليوم يومو إن نصَبّ زيت عنارو أو تلج صَب عمايو

غصب عن اللّي بالضاحية والرابية و قريطم و معراب

شو عم بيصير هالإسبوع بين بيروت و محلّة

هون حكومة ما بيرفّلها جفن و باقية بافية باقية محلاّ

و هونيك تلاتين سنة و إنّو تشبع سرقة و قمع ما حلاّ

إن لفظتو الجيم جيم أو الجيم جيم كلكن سوا بلإضراب

للمزيد أنقر هنا

... and on May Day

Nudity. I still have a clipping from an October 1993 Nouvel Observateur, an opinion poll: twelve hundred people describing themselves as on the left were sent a list of two hundred ten words and asked to underline the ones that fascinated them, that appealed to them, that they found attractive and congenial; a few years earlier, the same poll had been taken: back then, of the same two hundred ten words there were eighteen on which left wingers agreed and which thereby confirmed the existence of a shared sensibility. In 1993, the beloved words were down to three. Only three words that the left can agree on? What a decline! What a collapse! And what three words are they? Listen to this: “revolt”; “red”; “nudity.” “Revolt” and “red,” those are obvious. But that, aside from those two words, only “nudity” quickens the heart of left-wingers, that only nudity still stands as their shared symbolic legacy, is astounding. Is this our total inheritance from the magnificent two-hundred-year history solemnly launched by the French Revolution, is this the legacy of Robespierre, Danton, Jaurès, Rosa Luxemburg, of Lenin, Gramsci, Aragon, Che Guevara? Nudity? The naked belly, naked balls, naked buttocks? Is that the last flag under which the final brigades of the left simulate their grand march through the centuries? 

-Milan Kundera, Slowness

Valet Parking Part Deux

I have touched on the subject previously, but this is one topic in Lebanon around which many dissertations could be done. One could study the Freudian interpretation of the glee derived from the key tossing experience; or the statistical correlation between the time it takes a poser to get out of his or her street blocking car and the number of angry eyeballs in the cars behind him or her.
I don’t have the time or the knowhow to conduct scientific research on this phenomenon, but I do have an eye that spots potential case studies.

Case #1

Dunkin Donuts is an American franchise that sells fried dough and sugar. It has long been known as a favorite hangout of men in uniform out late at night to protect and serve. It also serves as a quick pit stop for commuters that are late for work and in need of cheap coffee and a cheaper heart clogging sinful treat.
The Sodeco Area of Beirut is smacked right in the middle of what formerly the dividing line between East and West Beirut. It was an area known for its legendary snipers, and thus the bullet poked façade: a unique Beirut architectural style. Coffee there was a vital part of the survival kit back in these days under the snipe or be sniped theory.
The Dunkin Donuts at Damascus Road in the Sodeco Area of Beirut has Valet Parking.

Case #2

Lebanon has been suffering a massive brain drain since the opposition sit in started, or was it since the July war? The Hariri assassination? Since Hariri assumed power? Lausanne? 1982? April 13th? The Cairo accords? World War II? My great grandfather was in Cuba at the turn of the century so let’s just say that people have been fleeing this mountain range for a long, long time. A random sample of the youth would reveal that a good chunk of those leaving do so for the lack of money making job opportunities.
Forward Forum is a career fair that took place at BIEL this past weekend. Thousands of jobless youth flocked for a shot at a career that would keep them in the country. Careers that are unlikely to pay for mortgages, but at least they would cover their food; modest aspirations for college graduates.
Forward Forum had a Valet parking service that would save these 20 some year olds a walk of no more than 50 meters, yet hundreds of the job searchers opted to pay the extra fee for the luxury of just tossing the car key.

Counting Intellectuals

It's 4 am, and I can't sleep. An old trick that I know is to count sheep, but I've been living in a city for so long that I forgot what they look like. I do remember that they often come in herds and they make unintelligible noises.
There are no sheep in Beirut but I have witnessed a group of people that made unintelligible noises recently. It was right here in Hamra at something called Homeworks. They kept calling themselves "intellectuals." I wonder if they have the same effect.
Hazem Saghiyeh
Wissam Saadeh
Houssam Itani
Hazem Al Amin
Bashar Haydar
Rabih Mroueh
Jalal Toufic
Emily Jacir
Marwan Rechmaoui
Kamal Aljafari
Zeina Maasri
Khalil Rabah
Joana Hadji-Thomas
Khalil Joreige
Wael Shawky
Bernard Khoury
Hazzzem Saghiyeh
Hazzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Greek Orthodox: Pound for Pound

No need to remind everyone that the office of President of the Republic is vacant. That counter is well into triple figures, but it is almost a 1000 days behind the mother of all counters.

Earlier this week Siniora and Berri each kicked off a tour that'll take them to various stops where they can woo their fans, or was it fan their woes?
In any case with the absence of the top 3 Politicians, Farid Makari became the highest ranking politician in the country. Now that's an honor that Makari would be able to claim for just a few hours, maybe a day or 2 max. But that was enough to ruffle some feathers among the esteemed Orthodox brethren. It donned on Michel El Murr that he, and not a Makari, should have been the king for a day.

So in order not to miss out on an opportunity like this if it were to present itself again, Mr. Murr Sr. quit the Orange Parliamentary grove and positioned himself as the next independent consensual vice-speaker of the parliament.

Clever. huh? Well you don't just go from being Israel's most reliable ally to becoming Syira's most reliable tool , and then finally somehow be both in the government and in the opposition without being clever. It's a bit unorthodox though.

Who's your daddy?

I perfectly understand why a group of people chose to erect large posters of Abdallah Al Saud all over town. The "others" have posters of Khamenei up. So the only logical match would be the Servant King of Islam's Holiest places; a feat that certainly trumps Supreme leadership of a revolution in terms of Holy brownie points. What I don't get though is the timing. Why now? The only thing I could think of, is that this has to do with the absolutely successful and/or completely failed Arab summit is Damascus; a message to Assad to show him who's the Half-Man. Nah, I'm sure a King would be over this more than a year after the fact and wouldn't let a mere word get to him. CNN did call him a history maker after all. CNN called me "a blogger" once; I'm telling you, these people have an amazing nose for accurate labeling.

I was watching the Egyptian equivelant to CNN sunday night. The host was going to extraordinary lengths to tell us that Sunday was an ordinary day. He went on and on explaining how traffic was ordinary, schools had ordinary attendance, hospitals did an ordinary number of nose jobs, and football games had the same number of unspectacular goals scored as any other ordinary day. See here being the inquisitive guy I am, I grew suspicious. Why would anyone be so adamantly bragging about the ordinariness of a day? Well, because they wish it was.

The day was so out of the ordinary that our own Siniora was summoned to Cairo on Sunday. His experience in ignoring protesting citizens would surely come in handy in times like these. Sure, neither the Lebanese opposition is as courageous nor that Lebanese government is as oppressive as their Egyptian counterparts. After all,the so-called-opposition in this country is still to this day begging for "partnership". You are one ugly, evil, money hungry, conniving bastard, will you marry me?

On a final note, the money witness in the Hariri assassination investigation has disappeared. It might just be a witness protection move. In any case, this blog has received exclusive footage from the international tribunal in the land of legal hos and weed. Enjoy the show.

Maronites: Pound for Pound

The United States does it. So do Arab states; the moderately evil countries and the evilly moderate ones. I don't see why Lebanon should refrain from doing it, aren't we afterall the face of the Dakotas in the Middle East according to one Lebanese ultranationalist.

I'm talking, of course, about putting presidential faces on currency. Spare me the talk that we shan't worship false idols because we do it more than anyone ever did. Heck, we produced the real idols who preached about false idols.

We'll start off with Beshara El Khoury on the 100,000LL bill; not because he is worth more than the others but purely for aesthetic reasons, no one else would fill up this bill. 50,000LL has to go to Elias Hrawi. He was our only president to get re-elected without the MP's going "Oops, we were just @#$%ing around." 20,000LL has to feature Fouad Chehab as 20,000 of his preteges went on to become presidents.

In the US the $1 bill is reserved for Washington, clearly the President with the best head of hair. If we follow the same logic, only Amine Gemayyel can be on the 1000LL note. Emile Lahoud gets the pink 5,000LL note, only because there isn't a glittery lilac silk one.

That leaves us with the 10,000 Liras: Orange numbers with a yellow background. I say we keep it vacant for the time being, there's a good chance someone would fit this bill sometime next year.

Cultural Agenda II

This whole Beirut Spring Business, or Culture, is now starting to captivate me. I'll assume the use of "Beirut" is just synecdochical, and what is really meant is the whole of Lebanon. But the same does not apply to "Spring", Spring is just Spring without the rest of the seasons. It fits in with a Future without a past, and Love and Life in an eternal Hallmark moment.

I must admit it is a very attractive "culture" for consumers. It's actually heavenly. Except you don't have to die to go there. It's right here on Earth; in Beirut specifically. Spring is beautiful, unlike the harsh winter, the long hot sweaty summer days, and not to mention Autumn which is synonymous with the end of life. Of course, a culture of no worries and no responisibilities naturally would have no accountability. The consumer is buying this culture as is. Anything un-springy one might encounter is just foreign. Alien obstacles are maliciously placed solely to ruin this midspring night's dream.

Things might be looking gloomy, but the guardians of culture keep huffing and puffing into a huge heartshaped balloon. I admire that, but we all now what happens to an overinflated balloon. That's a whole lot of bad breath.

Redefining Absurdity

First of all, a message to the readers. I know I've been away for a while, but Please, please, please I urge you, nah, I beg you not to fire any weapons in the air when you're done reading this. The culture of propaganda is all about firing up lies, not live bullets. But if you must, go for the M-16. With the US Dollar in its current state, it has become cheaper to waste American bullets than Russian ones.

Now Carlozinho might not have fully grasped what people saw. So I'll put it in terms he should understand. Dude, you looked far more ridiculous than Tante Imm Micho doing the Lambada. I do still find him cute and adorable, but Elie Beik Skaff will always be number one in my heart.

Pissful Coexistence

There are many angles in Lebanon where you can take a picture and capture a church and a mosque in the same frame. Oh, the beauty of peaceful coexistence. Well, that isn't entirely accurate. If you look closer, you'd notice that the newer shrine is on average three times the size of the older house of worship. This phenomenon can be attributed to the fact that this beautiful picture was actually the result of a pissing match between the coexisting village people.

The Story of Ayyoub

In Lebanon we have a political opposition. It's there, it's really there. Don't be fooled by the lack of vital signs. No Breathing, no pulse, that's all an illusion. It is not dead. You see, the opposition happens to be of the patient variety. Patience as you know is a virtue.
I guess it would take a patience virtuoso to understand. That's Ayyoub.


Cultural Agenda

Friday, 7:30 pm, Waving Flag Caravan Concerto Around the Block
Saturday, 10:00 am, Bread and Rice Bribe-A-Thon, Diwaniyyet Al Aish al Mushtarak, Istiqlal street
Saturday, 10:00 pm, Traditional Zajal by Zaghloul Abou Faour and the BIEL troupe, La Hoya Suites, Manara
Sunday, 10:00 am, "Now you have One Man, Now you see 50", Magic show, Liberated Section of Martyr Square
Sunday, Tea Time, Fibs and Tales of the Truth , Taditional Storytelling by Grand Hakawati Ahmad Fatfat, Grand Serail
Mon-Sun, 12:55pm, "In the Third Year, He Rose Again", Recitale by the Sea

Libertad, Libertad!

Overheard on April 14th, 1961 at Cafe Versailles, Eighth Street, Miami, FL

-Oye Doña, un cortadito por favor. Make it special, it'll be my last one in this country.

- What do you mean last one, Chico.

-Listen Jacinto, we can't go wrong.

-What if...

- No what ifs, no nothing. We will go in through the Bay go straight up the hill. Once we're on the hilltop Fidel will have nowhere to go but to jump in the sea.

- I don't know, Men. Can we do that alone.

- We will not be alone man, that's the beauty of it. The Gringos will bomb Fidel by air, to open the way for us. Señor Jon Jon senior promised us support. The Gringos already deployed 3 warships to cover our butts. It'll be over in a week. Even the prisons are ready, we just need the prisoners.

- A week, chico!?

-Maximo.


This post is dedicated To Ahmad El Assaad, Dory Chamoun, and their other cute little playpals.

بالإذن من إبن عربي

كل مبادرة شفيعها عمر موسى، لا يعوّل عليها

كل قمّة لأمّة قادتها طغاة، لا يعوّل عليها

كل جدار يفصل حبيبين ،مهما علا لا يعوّل عليه

كل سلاح قمع ذكي كان أم غبي، لا يعوّل عليه

كل احتجاج مطلبه كرسيّ، لا يعوّل عليه

كل كرسي يُقعِد جالسَه مدى الحياة، لا يعوّل عليه

كل مليون تتّسع له كراسي استاد ميشيغان، لا يعوّل عليه

وكل فرد ينوب عن مليون ، لا يعوّل عليه

كل جمع ضرب و طرح و قسمة، لا يعوّل عليه

كلّ لبناني ينظّر من الغربة، لا يعوّل عليه

وكلّ غربي ينظّر من لبنان ، لا يعوّل عليه

أمّا كل لبناني ينظّر من لبنان،من أمثالي يعني، فلا يعوّل عليه

The Big Picture

Landmarks have always been used in directions due to the lack of street signs and building numbers in Beirut. "50 meters after the pothole", "right next to the chestnut tree", or "where that restaurant used to be" are regularly used even though that restaurant closed before you were born.

These days, however, directions have gotten much easier. You see the huge picture of Saad Hariri with his dad hovering over him? I'm in the third building to the right. There's that building with the whole side covered with a humongous Hassan Nasrallah, he's even larger than the crowd at the downtown rally. The big poster with the much younger yet no less bald Samir Geagea points you in the right direction. At the end of the road you'll see a Large picture of Pierre Gemayyel turn right; your right, his left. Don't worry the power is out but the general and his bright orange mural will illuminate the way. And just in case you get lost getting to Nabih Berri's residence, there he welcomes you with a slick smile and even slicker Ray Bans.

You can't miss it.

Penny Pinching

Haifa Wehbe $75,000; Nancy Ajram $75,000; Najwa Karam $75,000; Assi Hellani $75,000; Elissa $75,000; Majida El Roumi $60,000; Ragheb Alameh $60,000; Nawal El Zoghbi $50,000; Wael Kfouri $50,000, Fares Karam $40,000; Walid Toufic $30,000; Dominique Hourani $25,000; Jad Choueiri $25,000; Mayez El Bayyaa $Peanuts; Ahmad Kaabour $Tossed Salad.

15 acts for a maximum total cost of $715,000 and a guaranteed "1.5 Million."

...and he's the one that's supposed to be the Money wiz.

Nothing Nice to Say

How does it go? "If you have nothing nice to say... just say mean things." My silence over the last few weeks is not due to the lack of things to talk about, but the lack of nice things to say. Anger is a different domain with its own specialists.

Today, there's a World cup Qualifier against Uzbekistan. The weather is beautiful , so here's an opportunity to enjoy an outdoor activity away from the soapish drama of Lebanese so called politics; except the game will be held in an empty stadium to preserve civil peace. Let's see if I can con my way to a press pass. More on that tomorrow if I succeed in making it into that beautiful serene stadium.

The affair between the Free Patriotic Movement and Hezbollah reminds me of Woodstock. Except there is no alcohol. Ok there is very little sex. The drugs are prescription, and there is no rock and roll. The main event tonight culminates a week of love expressions hardly ever seen on the Lebanese scene. Don't get me wrong, I'll take fake love over real bombs any time, but get a room. The big question for tonight remains will they or will they not kiss, but I think Claude Shalhoub would have been more appropriate than Jean Aziz for the occasion.

What the heck is a Sansoul? The song has been stuck in my head for a week and I have no clue what it means.

License to Kill

I estimate Corniche El Mazraa to be about a kilometer long, which if you divide by 5 meters you get room for 200 cars on each side of the road. On a Friday afternoon there are over 400 cars parked along the Corniche and none had a parking ticket on its windshield, so I assumed it was safe and extremely lucky for me to park right in front of Abou Ahmad for a quick bite. However, as I walked out I found an Eric Estrada writing me a ticket. "Why me?" I cried cautiously not wanting to push any wrong buttons considering I don't even carry a valid driver's license. Out of hundreds of cars, I was the only one being cited because... "you didn't leave your flashers on."

That was when a lot of Lebanese mysteries became clear to me. You can get away with murder if you leaves your flashers on. When downtown property owners tried pleading their cases against Solidere with judge Eido, they always hit the brick wall when confronted with "But did you have your flashers on?" Nabih Berri knew the power of flashing lights when he controlled the source of all our lights, that's how he's still shining even though his Amal movement has faded away. Shaker El Absi must have had his flashers on when he fled Naher El Bared leaving our mighty army dazed and impotent like superman under a blinking red sun.

I thought I had Beirut all figured out, but this town never ceases to intermittently amaze me.

Algebra

x + y + z = u

x < u/2

y < u/3

x > y > z

x + y + z + u ≤ 0

x ∩ y = Ф

x U y = ²³⁵U

u= √-1

Find x,y,z,u

Bonus: Find Michel Nayla Mouawad

Rationing Rationale

Back in early Summer, Electricite du Liban started rationing power in Beirut on a temporary basis due to peak demand during the hot summer season exceeding the production capacity. Off course, areas outside Beirut were used to heavy power cuts even in off, way off peak seasons. Then on August 2nd an excuse fell from the heavens in form of a Fatah Al Islam rocket that completely shut down the Deir Amaar power plant and forced fuel ships far far away. I know I know, this was a grave situation. It was War, a legitimate safety concern; the Electric company would never just make up cheap excuses.

Personally I don't mind walking up 5 flights of stairs, it's good for the glutes. But Shaker El Absi has vanished and it's not that hot anymore, so why hasn't the electric company come up with a new spin?

Jardeh

Magician's Secret Revealed

Andre Lala makes one of the best chicken sandwiches in town. The garlic sauce he makes can't possibly be legal, but at least you can rest assured bird flu stands no chance against the smell. I've inspected the shelves at this little hole in the wall in Rmeil and found no unusual spices. But the answer to the Lala mystery came to me from up above, the recipe secret that gives the Lala chicken that extra oomph comes in the form of a bug zapper situated directly above the work area. You can see some remnants of the special ingredient stuck on the metal rods since before the war. Electrilicious!!

Hollywood is for Kids

That's the impression you come out of the movies with if you have visited a lebanese movie theater the past few weeks. Hollywood provides the rated G movies (Bee Movie, Fred Clause, Enchanted...), while Beirut provides the Drama, Adventure, and Comedy. It had been a busy year for the Lebanese movie industry, and it has had some success at the box office which should naturally help the evolution of Lebanese movie making up from the Micho Qazzi stage to the intelligent human stage in the near future.

Status Quo

Despite Nabih Berri pendular outlook between the mother of all evil and great salvation we find ourselves right where we were a year ago. So watch for some incidents that end of January, a dozen of useless tete-a-tetes between Zaeems, and summer war; or you can wait to hear it from your favorite TV channel's Nostradamus on new year's eve.

My Rosy Outlook for 2008. Why the heck not?

2008 ought to be W's final year in power. There's always a chance for a constitutional amendment as we are experiencing first hand.

Beijing 2008 basketball qualifying tournament. After choking against Iran in the Asian Championship game, Lebanon's national team gets another chance to make it to Beijing. The competition will be tough but it should be fun.

Charlie Kaufman has a new movie out in 2008 with Philip Seymour Hoffman no less. I know it's not Abu Riad the sequel, but I'm looking forward to it nonetheless.

Ok maybe not too many rosy things on the horizon afterall, but (insert your favorite motivational hallmark quote here).

Ought To

"...the world ought to say this: that the March 14th coalition can run their candidate in their parliament, majority- plus one ought to determine who the president is, and when that happens, the world ought to embrace the president."

Inspiring words on what ought to happen and what we ought to do to make it happen.

We ought to embrace Siniora's 11 pm announcement of mourning the next day for Francois El Hajj's funeral because it means he is working late without billing us for overtime.

We ought to embrace the astronomical increase in the price of Potatoes and other produce since it boosts our export revenue numbers.

We ought to embrace the quality of the American made Israeli dropped cluster bombs which are still killing Lebanese civilians and mine clearing volunteers at a brisk rate.

We ought to embrace Elliot Abrams gracing us with his visit for everything he touches turns into a glowing picturesque ball of light and warmth.

We ought to embrace, sit still ,and hold tight for a new year is upon us and that is never a good think.

Happy Holidays

From Lebanon Again

For Most Anglosaxons the expression "Kiss Me Again" can only be interpreted as a request for an encore act of contact from foreign lips (teeth, tongue, and/or tonsils) against any part of the recipient's body with some sort of spastic motion that creates a certain degree of noise and moisture.

In Lebanon Kiss-Me-Again is not even remotely associated with the verb to kiss (as it could be used in reference to a power outage), the pronoun me (which might as well be replaced with them or y'all or Timbuktu) , or the adjective again for it might be about a novelty or something that will never happen once let alone again. "Kiss-Me-Again, Siyedeh, Istiqlel..."

Now you might think this is just an expression used by pre-teens to circumvent the use of the real thing which keeps them cool without risking the consequences of a nanny 911 time out. That it's a phase they'd outgrow once they develop a more articulate vocabulary. Don't get your hopes up as there are documented cases of retirees in Basta who don't even know a word of english dropping kiss-me-agains over games of Backgammon.

A new phrase can soon be added to the languages display at the national museum: kiss em again akhou sharmouta.

Pardon me for the vulgar use of again.

The Golden General

Never has silence been more golden than in the case of our Presidential candidate du jour. Heck he's starting to lose some points because he's been seenlately visiting some people. So the peak of his popularity was when he was silent and invisible. A poll a few weeks back showed that the number 2 answer to "who would you prefer for president?" was "No one". So after Syria and the anti-syrians agreed on eliminating the people's number one choice from contention, they opted for the closest thing they could find to a "no one".

As no one fills the void, the parties involved have moved ahead to the next step which is the first Post-Siniora Cabinet. Siniora might or might not be back at the Ministry of Finance. Kouchner might be lobbying for the foreign ministry seat. The only sure thing is that Tareq Mitri and Charles Rizk won't ever see the Serail again.


But enough politics, let's move on to other places where silence is golden on the cultural scene which swung back in full force as soon as Ammar Al Houri declared the end of the presidential crisis. Charbel Rouhana debuted a few songs at an anti-AIDS concert, or was it pro? In any case, from what I've heard, and wish I haven't, the follow up to his last Album "Khateerah" is apparently going to be "Khabeesah".


An Arabized and watered down remake of Lorca's "La Casa de Bernarda Alba" opened yesterday in Babel Theater under the direction of Jawad El Asadi and the title "Sexophone Women". Overall, it is a worthy effort given all the difficulties a theatrical production faces these days, as the show has been postponed as many times as the presidential selection session. The colorful performance was overall "entertaining". I have to note my reservations on cutting out half of Lorca's characters and thus gutting the story. Jahida Wehbe was able to act the lead role, but she failed at singing it. The Young'un Yvonne El Hachem's performance stood out, and Aida Sabra's energy triggered a Tsunami watch in the South Pacific.

Now for this stormy weekend, and keepig with the theme of Silence. I'll be camping out at the movies. We've got the ongoing European film festival, Burhan Alawiye's "Khalas", and Mai Masri's "33 Days." So طير و فرقع يا بوشار، ما بيصير أكتر ما صار, or so we hope.

Say Cheese!

Today is day 1017 in search of the truth, day 361 of the opposition's sit in, and day 3 of Fouad I's reign.

Saudi Arabia doesn't really want to attend, but it doesn't want to go against Arab consensus. Syria also thinks this conference is a failure but it will show up to keep with the Arab consensus. His Majesty is sending a delegate even though he still sheds tears for the victims of Israeli barbarism. You know why? Because of Arab Consensus. Arab public opinion is strongly opposed to free concessions and the unbiased mediator role of the US. Can someone explain to me what the heck is this Arab consensus they speak of?


Now if you average the approval ratings of the regimes attending this conference, you'll get a number below the Mendoza line. The American in me is coming out with obscure baseball references, but I'm just trying to say they ain't very popular. Still, they aim to achieve a collective boost in popularity out of this orgy since it can not deliver anything of substance.

Some are worried that the Arab Dictatorships will be seen as openly isolating any opposition to Israel in the region. Well, when they were already openly in support of Israel in summer of 2006, and they are openly turning a blind eye to the collective punishment of Gazapolis; how's a little handshake and photo op with Tzipi Livni going to hurt.

Peace can only be conceived in a healthy host with lively seeds. Those trying to artificially induce their promised "birth pangs" have to face the fact that they are sterile and surrounded by a bunch of limps.

A State of Emerging...

With the state of emergency confusion, the inept political class must have been worried that a week of martial law could expose much of their shortcomings. This week or more could have shown us what independence could have been had these blood merchants cared one iota for the concept. Of course that is assuming the military doesn't pull a Naher El Bared all over the place. But alas we are still after what seems to be a smooth transition to the Siniora uncensored era. No constitutional council, no President, no checks or balances of any sort except for that of the people and particularly that of the opposition, and we know how effective that has been.

The army is out in force in Beirut. 20,000 soldiers/citizens most of them from the furthest regions away from Beirut roam the streets of the capital to keep peace. I wonder what they think of the Capital, what it means to them. A capital that never cared for them but now it calls on them as it desperately needs them. But that's a whole other can of worms.

A Final quick note on yesterday's events. A number of people celebrated the departure of Emile Lahoud from Baabda. Now you might really dislike him, but isn't celebrating now after he's completed his two terms akin to celebrating the departure of your rival team from the World Cup after it won the Final... for a second time!

When Al Manar airs Bible Belt Propaganda...

A couple of days ago while flipping through channels I caught a glimpse of Black and White footage on TV. So instinctively I pause as that to me is as good as catching a glimpse of ... well that's not important. The footage was associated with a documentary featuring the mass killings committed by Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and Mao. The "documentary" attributed all the Nazi and communist crimes to an evil "myth by and amateur biologist."

I was convinced the video was a bible belt production as it was clear that it was originally in English. I was half right, (or half wrong.) The video was originally produced in English and it can be found here under the title "The Disasters Darwinism Brought to Humanity". But while it agrees to a tee with the Christian right's view on the topic, it was of Koran Belt origin based on a book by this kooky turk.

Now I'm all for disputing Darwinism, and we've had 200 years of advancement in genealogy research to use as ammo against that evil horned Brit. However, to blame hundreds of millions of deaths on the deviation from God's will while ignoring the hundreds of millions killed in the name of God does not make for a very convincing argument.

But hey, if you are looking for common grounds between Wilayat el Faqih , Wahhabism, and neoconservatism, here's a starting point.

73,245,357,358 and counting

No this post is not about that other counter.

Now if we had a penny (15 Lebanese Liras) for every opinion given on the Lebanese presidential issue we would've paid off all $45 billion of the Hariri debt and then had some left over to cover the sms voting costs to guarantee the next belly dance champion is 100% Lebanese . Alas all these opinions about the Lebanese presidential elections, from Bush and Sarkozy's to the cab drivers' in the streets of Port-au-Prince, are completely worthless. The only opinions that matter are those of Elie Beik Skaff and his colleagues in Parliament. No , Really! Not Fares Soueid nor Walid Mouallem, Not Mohammed Reza Shibani nor any of the French posse that has been dropping by non stop.

So naturally my opinion doesn't matter either. Not that I've given the issue much thought; especially since my man Skaff can't even run for president. It would save Lebanon a lot of trouble now and in the future if he were to be anointed president for life. Come to think of it he could be the compromise dude. The opposition would accept him because he is one of them, and the Hairirists would love his tendency to sell off property.

In any case I highly doubt they will select a president any time soon. Now Even IF they do pick a punching bag for president; NATO, the Arab League, and FIFA will never be able to agree on Imm Micho's replacement at the Ministry of social affairs.

Vat is it good for?

I've been meaning to write about the presidential selection but I've been waiting for at least one of the candidates to drop by my neck of the woods for a campaign stop. Alas it seems Beirut isn't that important in deciding the outcome of Lebanon's presidential selection. This makes the topic a little painful to talk about, so I end up opting for a less painful activity each time. For example today instead of blogging about the selection I'm getting a couple of teeth pulled.


Speaking of pulling teeth, and if you are a glutton for pain as I am, go read George Corm and Khaled Saghiye's takes on the numbers 6000 and 111%* off Siniora's balance sheet for the year 2005. But then again no one is complaining about these numbers. Not even he who called Harirism a hangman's noose.

Now what baffles me about this issues is that with the sectarian sandbags securing certain people unaccountable god status for generations, wouldn't they have more to steal if they actually allowed for the economy to grow a little? See we as people have proven that we don't care about being robbed clean, so any improvement in the 6000 would end up straight into the coffers that collect the 111%*.

* It's more than two Thirds and also more than 50%+1

Enough....

Everything that has occured over the past 6 weeks is passable. So what if we're having water shortages a few millennia after the assyrians built the first aqueduct system. Just phone the dude with the truck and the giant hose and you'll be able to rinse off the shampoo by mid afternoon. Fires eating through your passport and your hundred thou bill? Just phone the dude with the truck and the giant hose and he'll put it out just in time for the evening news. Presidential Elections not to your liking? Don't phone anyone for you know where the giant hose is gonna end up in this case.

But when Ghalayini's Man'ousheh becomes 500 Liras there is no place for silence. Enough already! Some heads must roll. Sure oil prices are pushing $100 a barrell. And we all know there is a direct corellation between that and man'ousheh cost since Brent's crude is a basic ingredient of Ghalayini's man'ousheh. Also don't underestimate the September 6th raid's effects on the supplies of the yellow cake zaatar used at this corner shop.

Still, for the price to double is a sign that a big economic crisis is looming. See, the average Lebanese worker works 15 hours a day to make ends meet, now if prices double and salaries remain constant like they have been for the past few decades; well this average working Lebanese will need to work 30 hours a day to cover basic expenses.

There's the big hose again.

Siniora Government honors Founders of Civil War militias

Living Martyr Marwan Hmadeh announced today the issuing of new postage stamps honoring the martyrs of Lebanon. What's a better way to honor our fallen heroes than licking their behinds? Not to mention the fun that can be had by matching the destination country with the stamp of the personality it had assassinated (or just vanished in Libya's case.) The government played it the Lebanese way by trying to include martyrs from all sects in the collection, but some groups will argue that they were underrepresented and that Danny Chamoun, Abbass El Mousawi, and Elie Hobeika are just as worthy of a stamp.

Martyrs apparently are a big thing and they deserve to be honored. After all we have over a hundred thousand of them since 1975. Martyrs rank second among our national treasures only trailing Emigrees who number well over a million over the same period of time.

Now if I remember correctly, a good chunk of the one hundred thousand were martyred by what was then known as Militias. Thankfully those are now extinct. While the Kataeb and the PLO were the stars of the 70's, most historians would rank Amal, LF, and PSP militias as the top 3 Lebanese killers of the 80's. Images of the Founders of these 3 militias will now grace your outgoing letters to the emigrants who have sworn off Lebanon because of them.

At Least this is one thing I personally wouldn't have to deal with since I have sworn off Liban Post. They happen to have very pleasant and competent employees which is something I abhor.

Waiting for Saado

I stopped playing video games and joined a gym when the games became more physically demanding than 2 hours on a treadmill. But I am excited these days with the emergence of a sequel to an old time favorite. "Where in the world is Saad El Hariri?" will take you to more exotic locations than the original version with thicker plots and a lot more nonsense.



No, he is not tanning in the Seychelles, nor is he supervising his Aqaba project, nor is he bailing out Mr. Nahhas in Cannes. Saad currently has the honor of being the Saudi king's envoy for resolving the Pakistani crisis between Sharif in London and Musharraf in Islamabad. Meanwhile; here everyone awaits Saad's final word on Berri's initiative, whatever that it is; but we know well that nothing is going to come out from either the initiative or the final word, or Berri or Saad for the matter. No matter what we still gladly play along to get to the next level where it usually gets more challenging and harder to survive.

More Unity and Meeting Points..

The Lebanese are renowned world travelers. You'll find people from Arbet Qozhayya in Barquicimeto, people from Baaloul in Foz Iguazu, and people from Deir Quntar in East LA. But you'll never find the Baalouli in Arbet Qozhayya, or the Deir Quntari in Diddeh, etc... All these ecotourism and piece of paradise packages are just for tourists. That explains why One US presidential candidate visited the the ravaged South, while in the midst of the Lebanese presidential campaigns, none of the candidates has crossed the Ramlet El Baida - Ouzai Line. Why campaign in Marjeyoun, Rashayya, and Akkar, when you can go to Strasbourg and Rome instead?

Speaking of Tourism, a couple of nights ago both New TV and Future's Zaven addressed the issue of prostitution. Some official in the Ministry of tourism was defending the practice by saying that you can't expect to have a tourism industry with a few rocks in Baalbeck and Jbeil, but that's not my issue. I just wanted to share with you my experience on the matter since both reports were shallow and amateurish. On one hand, you had Firas Hatoum asking questions as if he had never heard of sex? "You mean people pay you for sex!?" Oh, the blasphemy. On the other hand, you had Zaven. What I know is that Ras Beirut has more whorehouses, or whatever the politically correct term for whorehouse is, than Amsterdam's red light district. There's Moonlight Cabaret and hotel half a block down from Mourtada Islamic Clothes, so let's not act as if this is a big taboo. Every night a 21:30, one of those buses that sound and drive like Boeing 737s parks in the alley up from Lina's in Hamra and loads tens of colorfully dressed professionals. Quite the show, and you won't find this free attraction listed in "Lebanon for less than $10 a day". If luxury is more your style and you happen to be a single Khaliji guy staying alone at one of our oceanfront hotels, you will most definitely receive an "accidental" call in your room late at night offering you our colleges' finest crop. But prostitution is illegal in Lebanon. So are bikinis by the way.

Speaking of Sex, Shaker El Absi's DNA match with his supposed daughter came out negative. This actually means that Mrs. El Absi now unseats Ahmad Fatfat for the title of most relieved person after the death of El Absi.

Speaking of "some explaining to do", the electric company released a statement yesterday claiming that the latest power outages were due to the effects of high humidity on the grid. Now, I'm not an expert on the subject, so I asked my buddy Andy who is a senior engineer at Florida Power and Light about the validity of the claim. Here's his answer on this one: "Higher humidity than what we have in Miami is probably only possible in the Serengeti and we don't lose power because of that, so that's my answer on that one." Now trying to preempt the next excuse, both my friend and I concurred that bird poop could knock out power for a prolonged period of time.

Speaking of Bird poop, Lebanon's critical Olympic qualifying match against Iraq tomorrow night will be held in an empty stadium. Why? You guessed it, because admitting crowds into the stands endangers national unity.

Presidents, Victories, and Paternity tests….

So many events with little time to comment but I’ll try to briefly cover all major events…

Haifa has a new video out.

Next we move on to the Presidential elections. A common trait among the major candidates that does not endanger national unity is their hair insecurity. Aoun’s comb over is still going strong even with only 3 hairs left to cover the whole territory on top. Having a full head of hair does not make Boutros Harb anymore secure about his looks than the balding General. Despite a history of political grayness, his stance on his hair is unwavering. Harb will live and dye Black. More on the subject later…

Rabih Mroueh’s “How Nancy wished everything was just an April’s fools joke” was shown in Beirut in its entirety and endangering national unity after all. MBC television cameras were there to capture the public reaction to this victory over censorship. Yes the same MBC that censors Raymond kissing Deborah. Back to “Nancy”; it’s a shame that it got all this press for the wrong reasons because this superbly written act is the best thing to hit the Beirut stage since the Lebanonization of Eric Emmanuel Schmitt’s Enigma Variations.

Finally, the military operations stage of the Naher El Bared ordeal is finally over. The politicians are all calling for uncovering the truth behind Fatah El Islam as they all think it will provide them with ammo against their foes. Of course, nothing will come out of these calls as we are in Lebanon where investigations are avoided because they endanger national unity. The only way we can find out who really was behind the funding and nurturing of Fatah El Islam is to resort to Maury Povich. Here I’m picturing Saad, 34, high-fiving the audience and being held back from Wiam, 40 some: “Told you @#$%^ I ain’t their @#$%^ sugar daddy, HO, HO, you @#%%# @$%#^ HO!!”

From Lebanon 25

The Vendeuse

Chic and not so chic boutiques from Achrafiyeh to Hamra up to Zahleh are home to this breed of women. They start as hopeful young girls that get into it for the discounted clothes and as a stepping stone to better things (i.e. marriage); but just like degenerate gamblers who think they have figured out a way to beat the house they got sucked into the system that doesn't let anyone out alive.

Vendeuse by accepting the job will sign up for decades of boredom, gossip magazines, and acetone. Cigarettes kick in in their second decade at the shop, hard liquor caps the tenure process in decade number 3. And while one day down the road she might actually find the flamboyant transvestite that will find the pistachio colored dress that has adorned the window since Jacky O's wedding fabulous; the prospects of her leaving the shop to the altar are much slimmer.

As a public service to all youngsters who might fall in this trap, if you see this innocent looking but loaded A4 paper or any of its variaties anywhere, run for your life for it is nothing more than a chic way of saying dead end.

The Vendeuse, the yang to the Natour's ying, is yet another traditional fixture in the Lebanese society.

Too True

In a country where there is a constant battle of what is and isn’t true, and who is true and who is truly an inconvenience. Yesterday was a full display of the true nastiness of our society. Lebanese raceo-sectarianism reached unprecedented lows; which says much considering this country was a stage for a fifteen year bloody sectarian war.


It wasn't just Amin Gemayyel who in keeping up with family tradition found a new group of people to direct his hate at. When your hate mongering towards Syrians, Palestinians, Arabs, Muslims, Sunnis, Shia runs out of steam; a new channel must be created. Also, why let the people of the southern suburbs bear all the brunt of condescending speech, let the intruders of the northern suburbs share the load. So take "them" out, and Gemayyel is victorious in the Metn Mountains where the true Christians reside. Sadly, many of the electoral reform scenarios circulated would encourage the Gemayyel school of thought.


All other major political forces were Gemayyel-esque on Sunday. Future was proud that the political representaion of the capital of this great nation has been reduced to 20,000 Sunnis and change; No intruders here so that's a sweet victory. Hezbollah bragged that the "Shia" were victorious by boycotting the vote. As a friend of mine would say: "Gold star for the Sunnis and Gold star for the Shia."


Are you wondering why the election results in Metn were almost 50-50? Well, that's because you couldn't tell the difference between the FPM campaign and the Kataeb campaign. "Reform" and "Change" got 2 thirds of Metni votes; but someone advised Aoun that he needs to prove his Christianity. Victory was his as he out-Gemayyeled a Gemayyel, but now he must decide whether he wants to go back to running for President of Lebanon or to shoot for the Second Coming.



Let's not forget Victorious Jumblatt, since his Druze electorate was spared by the fate of Martyr Ghazi Kenaan's gerrymandering this ugly Sunday's pissing match.



You try to escape this nastiness for some patriotic athletic diversion only to see 7 footers sinking half court shots for "them"; while "our" guys have uncontested layups rim out.



A day to forget for Lebanon.... Now that is something we truly excel at.

For The Record

I have been to Damascus 5 times in my life. Once as a child and I do not recall meeting any Syrian officials. Twice as a young teen to renew my foreign passport and to travel through Damascus' airport because we had no access to the embassy in Lebanon and the Beirut International Airport at the time.

As an adult my flight from Beirut to Amsterdam landed in Damascus for a few minutes in 1999. I did not leave the plane. Finally, in winter of 2006 I spent a weekend as a tourist (fully equipped with a camera around my neck, short shorts, and high dark socks) at the infamous Sheraton which hosted thousands of visiting political pilgrims that frequented Damascus for their blessings. This was the closest I got to meeting with the Assads.

Just wanted to come clean in case I ever run for a Metni office.

The Metn Book

An election is the process through which the people hire a parliamentary representative to work for them. It is imperative in any hiring process to thoroughly evaluate the candidates for the job. A one on one interview with the candidates would be ideal. Some might argue that it would be exhausting for the candidates to answer to thousands of citizens, but isn’t that the job description of the Member of Parliament? Anyways, in a more practical world a town hall meeting style debate should be the minimum required interaction between the candidates and the decision makers, but even that is absent in our democracy since that might be considered a form of accountability which is officially a sin in all 18 religions of Lebanon. This leaves the people only one way of judging the candidates which is by looking at their curricula vitae.

The 2 finalists for the Metn job are in order: Kamil Mansour Khouri M.D. and H.E. Sheikh Amin Sheikh Pierre Gemayyel.

Kamil Mansour Khouri M.D. has a relatively poor CV. He did some time for insulting his sister which will definitely hurt him among the family oriented voters. However his very limited experience does show signs of progress in his career as he was promoted from Prison to Med school. His medical background makes him relatable to the people as more than half the voters in Lebanon are Medical doctors. Kamil Khouri is definitely a candidate with potential. His successful transition from a jailbird to Doctor means he shouldn’t have many difficulties finding a real career eventually.

H.E. Sheikh Amin Sheikh Pierre Gemayyel’s CV dwarfs that of his rival. The Khouri family could be the largest Lebanese family, but the Gemayyels aren’t about quantity but rather quality. H.E. Sheikh Amin is a thoroughbred of unmatched pedigree. He hails from a stud that founded what would become Lebanon’s biggest party for decadess and his sibling was even more successful in a career cut short by his assassination. H.E. Sheikh Amin wasn’t content with what he inherited so he hurried to reform the Kataeb. He managed to clean up the party from the war criminals that hid under its umbrella. He also got rid of the corrupt bureaucrats and then most of its national following. The downsizing allowed the Kataeb to confine all its activities to a couple of streets in Bikfayya thus saving greatly on communication and transportation. A few top quality men. His revolutionary reform was also strongly present in his job as President of the Republic between 1982 and 1988. Lebanon today would be facing the same problems as China and India had it not been for the population growth control measures during Gemayyel’s tenure. H.E. Sheikh Amin has always been ahead of his time. Just wait and see how the Hair will eventually become the styling industry’s hottest look. In 1988, H.E. Sheikh Amin became the last President in the History of Lebanon to respect the constitutional limit on his term. Lebanon then struggled to fill the void left by his departure that it had to depend on 2 local governments and 2 foreign occupations to keep the vast reaches of the nation connected.

A man of this caliber settling for a job as a mere parliamentarian is a once in a lifetime steal, but Gemayyel is no stranger to unorthodox bargains. His unique concept of value made him well liked upon weapons manufacturers. Why pay full price for new helicopters when you can pay the same price for scrap parts?

I think it is clear who I would want to hire, not that it is any of my business. I don’t vote in Metn, I vote for Elie Beik Joseph Beik Skaff. As for Beirut, can someone tell me why Antoine Hamra has some books priced in Sterling Pounds?

July 12

The war did not start on July 12, 2006. I have memories of war stashed away right next to the memory of my first electronic Spelling game that my parents got me to accelerate my learning of the alphabet in the pre-kindergarten years of the pre-Atari era. The war started in the year 12 b.h.n. (before Hassan Nasrallah) and it hasn’t ended yet. The July, Lebanon’s Second, or Sixth labels are just chapter titles to distinguish the 33 days of open military warfare as opposed to the covert military ops that preceded and continued after that period.

The problem is that Israel in its current version is not compatible with peace. Maybe version 2.0 will have that option programmed into it but until then it’ll be war. I will not start a dissertation on the topic of Israeli society being built by war for war. I don’t have the time or energy for the debate, but it is safe to say that 60 years of trying to force peace have been fruitless; except for a paper peace with an oppressive dictator here and a tea party there. Are the Arabs still begging for their peace initiative to be accepted? Well paper peace has accomplished the conditional release of 4 Jordanian captives, even if it was 12 years after said peace deal, and only so that Hamas and Hezbollah don’t get credit for their release but who’s counting.

The media is going crazy with the “anniversary” so I won’t bore you with more talk about it, but I will state that I have no problem with Lisa Goldman’s report for Israeli TV from Beirut. I shared a few minutes with Lisa last year on a TV debate during the war. Well it wasn’t much of a debate since we agreed on most points since she seemed to be part of that peaceful Israel 2.0 beta. She’s a journalist not an enemy combatant. Of course being a journalist did not vouch for Imad Ghanem who was used by the Israeli army for target practice as he laid on the ground pleading for help (Google for video of this incident). Anyhow spies and collaborators roaming the cities and mountains of the nation are a dime a dozen; a journalist roaming the pubs of Beirut (and she's Canadian to boot) and reporting that Hezbollah googles names a la potential daters is the last of my worries.

Back to the internal Lebanese political scene… well that’s if we can assume Paris is in Lebanon and that a gathering between Mahmoud Berri and Mirna El Murr constitutes a political scene. I am skeptical about any positive outcome coming of the Parisian Dhahieh as I do not see anyone stepping up to fill the void in the leadership of the round table with the absence of Elie Skaff. Although with Ahmad Fatfat out of town the army should be able to finish off what’s left of Fateh El Islam in Naher el Bared. I’m joking of course as there is no evidence of any recent involvement of Fatfat in Fateh El Islam’s activities.

Finally, Ahmad El Assaad launched the Lebanese Option Gathering as a Third option for Shiites in Lebanon. I won’t go into the sectarian aspect of this move as El Assaad is clearly nostalgic to his family’s Dynasty years. Some see that the problems in Lebanon are due to the lack of Shiite or Sunni or Maronite parties; and third, fourth, or seventeenth options would help. Fine, but El Assaad himself already heads at least one other political party: the Kafa’at party. So what does L.O.G. have that Kafa’at didn’t? See only a short sighted simpleton would ask that, El Assaad actually discovered a genial way of making up for the lack of popular support. The next time the sons of Kamel El Assaad and Sabri Hamadeh meet the headline would read “Heads of 37 Parties Gather at the Commodore in Support of Mufti Ali El Amin”, it sure beats “2 Loser Sons of Former feudal lords drown their sorrows at Hotel bar.”

Extra, Extra

In a roundup of Beirut dailies we find these curious news items.

First of all, a look at the crime blotter shows that the tally of homicide victims falls short to suicide deaths for the first 6 months of 2007 (51 to 57). So for the paranoid amongst readers, now you have factual evidence that shows you that constantly looking over your shoulder just doesn’t cut it anymore.

The major headline in the sports page of one daily states that 13 Christians and only 2 Muslims make up the board of the Volleyball federation. Of course the news here is not that the Muftis will cry about the Christianization of sports but the fact that there are people that still play Volleyball!! Why isn’t there a Hide and Seek federation? It certainly is more deserving than Volleyball.

Speaking of hiding, the President of the Republic is still successfully guarding his top secret solution to the crisis. Unnamed high ranking sources say it involves red Speedos, Maryam Nour, and seven spices.

Finally, his feudal lordship Elie Beik Skaff suspects arsonists are behind the fire that destroyed his wheat harvest in Ammeeq. Good luck finding the perpetrators. Now if the fire was at the nearby Kefraya which happens to belong to another feudal land owner; the case would’ve been added to the other terrorist attacks and Serge Brammertz would’ve been on it. Maybe that’s why he is flirting with a camp switch.

Race to the Top

You won’t find this advertised in the Lebanese ministry of tourism brochures, but next to the usual attractions of nature, history, and the joie de vivre that only armed militants can possess; Lebanon enjoys rich reserves of deeply entrenched racism. Sadly, the excesses we enjoy cannot be exported in exchange of any material returns to ease the country’s trade deficit. While Lebanese racism is at its best when directed internally towards the “other” less gifted Lebanese factions (that is even constitutionally recognized as it states clearly in article 5 that you are only a first class citizen if you are a male conceived from a Lebanese sperm that belongs to one of the top 3 religious groups represented in Taef), I will just count down the top 5 foreign groups that suffer from racist discrimination in Lebanon.

5. Arab gulfies: Any Lebanese no matter what he or she has or has not accomplished in life thinks he or she can con a rich Arab. According to local logic, the superior Lebanese cab driver can trick the top Kuwaiti brain surgeon based on the latter not wearing Jeans.

4. Eastern European Women: While their western counterparts get treated as goddesses as they are the only race superior to the Phoenicians (plus holy matrimony with them leads to a kickass passport), the Eastern European Women can only possibly be in Lebanon on an entertainer’s visa which translates to belittling treatment from a dude who weighs onions for a living.

3. Syrians: the Macho Lebanese who idolized and worshipped the Syrian Mukhabarat goons, and didn’t dare look up when shining Syrian officers’ flip flops in pre-revolutionary times now try to earn their anti-Syrian stripes by abusing poor Syrian workers. In a way, this thuggish behavior displayed by officials and common folk alike makes the workers feel at home. From daily Sahsouh-packed interrogations, to random detentions when the authorities need terrorist suspects and home burning should be enough to make them the most discriminated group; but they aren’t seasoned enough to compete with the top groups.

2. “Sri Lankans”: Of course a Sri Lankan is anyone who hails from the domestic worker empire the stretches from east Africa to the Asian pacific region. You can purchase a Sri Lankan or more at any slave trader near you. As long as you keep them (the traders) happy you can do anything you want with your purchase and no one will stop you. Lock them up in a burning apartment, hang them as adornment off your balcony, let your teenage boy get his rape techniques down before he joins the local neighborhood militia; it is really up to you and your imagination. Laws don’t apply as their own embassies have approved the trade and will turn a blind eye.

1. Palestinians: All of a sudden, I have nothing to say. It must be the damn Palestinians’ fault, kill them all!

No Way Out

First of all I recommend that you read the proclamation issued by the leader of the land of the free. The first line has striking resemblance to ottoman era faramans but as you read further you realize that the language used is from a way earlier era in history of empires. Now it’s his house and by the powers vested in him by section 212(f) of the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1952, 8 U.S.C. 1182(f), and section 301 of title 3, United States Code, he is free to stick an unwelcome mat at his doorstep in face of whomever he feels vested to keep out, but (and I’m sure you knew a but was coming) “any private person who deliberately contributes to breakdown in the rule of law in Lebanon” would technically include anyone who double parks. It doesn’t stop there, “The spouses and dependent children of persons “ who double park on the streets of Tarzebna, for example, can also be refused entrance to George Bush’s USA. Also if you are applying for a US visa make sure you don’t derive financial benefit from any actions that could undermine the legitimate government, so don’t get bribed if you are working for the government, focus on the other half of your job: Solitaire. Also if you’re in the glass business for example make sure you don’t get involved in the cleaning up and fixing of shattered store fronts because thou shalt be proclaimed persona non grata in Wyoming for your actions.


NOW, THEREFORE, I, Jamal G. Propaganda, In witness whereof, hereunto set my hand this steamy Saturday, in the year of our Lord two thousand and seven, and the influence of ice cold Almaza pure malt of Lebanon the second.


And I shall move on to more important issues than Wiam Wahhab’s vacation spots.… I have a

question to the political players in Lebanon: all of them, pro government anti government and confused, sectarian and pretend secularists, the extreme right and the opposing extreme …. right. What is the way out of this downwards spiral? The thundering unified answer is Gate G at Beirut International Airport.




There’s really no sugar coating it. The situation is bad which means you can get a table at any restaurant without any prior reservations, even on a Saturday night in the middle of summer. No “exiled” yuppies are home from the gulf showing off their high salaries with their fancy rental cars. Don’t worry about your elbow space diminishing anytime soon; you shall have it for a while since nothing will be resolved.

Ever.

A Step Back

Maybe just maybe it's about time everyone took a step back and re-evaluted where they stand. I, for one, do it constantly. I'm rarely wrong, but sometimes I miss something since I only have one good eye so that limits my peripheral vision and depth perception. Maybe that handicap forces me to think about things I see that I wouldn't otherwise had I had two eyes confirming the same view. Someone, not sure who and I don't feel like googling it now, said, "Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see." In my case make it quarter of what I see.

The problem is that I need to know. I read a lot, I talk to people, I observe , I ask, and at the end it turns out that some third generation Lebanese dude/dudette in Wyoming who happens to own an uncracked copy of Gibran's Prophet (and also might happen to blog about Lebanon) knows all the beyond the shadow of doubt truths about what's going on here and I don't. I envy them and cab drivers, the two sides of the infallible knowledge coin.

Then again, this region brought to you Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. So people have been having blind faith (or is faith intrinsically blind) in what they've been told by their chosen men for thousands of years, don't expect that to change this summer. So just hunker down, and beware the "others".

Army Post

For the 24 th consecutive day, the Lebanese army has secured and completely controled the Samed and Cooperative positions of Abu Jureij's Pro-Syrian Pro-Hariri UnPalestinian terrorist gang phenomenon group thing. I'm a bit confused since by my understanding of the term "complete control" you do not to assert it everyday three times a day after meals. But what do I know, I'm no military expert. The closest I came to becoming a soldier was when I was refused boarding a plane once because according to Lebanon's official government records; one of my sisters was actually my brother, thus unexempting me from service.

Don't get me wrong, I am pro-Army. I am Pro-Martial law. Especially since the alternative seems to be Militia and feudal law. After a rusty start to their assertion of power campaign, the army has started getting it right. Monday night, 2 men were arrested alive after lobbing a hand grenade at an army checkpoint. That's a long way from the trigger happiness of a couple of weeks ago when an unarmed pregnant woman was shot dead in Badaro, and 3 unarmed men and 2 civillian aircrafts were gunned down near the airport. Definitely satisfactory progress is being displayed when it comes to shooting disicpline and aim.

I'm not the only one seeing this record improvement in performance by the army. Some people whose politics differ slightly from mine have expressed newfound trust in the army. On January 23rd, 2007 at 8:00 am, that would be in the early morning, a Samir Geagea declared that the army is incapable of maintaining order, and issued a fatwa to his followers to take things into their own bats. Now fast forward 5 months to May 21st of the same 2007 and you'll see that the same army that he didn't think was capable of moving a few Orange clad geeks off the street, was now in his eyes capable of controlling Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia.

An Explosion at Sporting beach club just shook this building... back in a bit.

What's Next?

Of course there is no uniform answer to this question in Lebanon, so we will answer this according to each of the various Lebanese factions.

For Future Movement the future is always clear. After evacuating the Saudi brothers from Nahr El Bared the priority will again become the establishment of an International Tribunal. But you may I thought it was a done deal and under Chapter 7 no less. Well, with millions of people wanting to cover for the killers it never is a done deal, so they will milk this for another 2 to 3 years.

Hezbollah will continue to do nothing under the title of Avoiding Civil Strife. Plus their strategy of being patient and waiting usually pays off since its foes always find a way to shoot themselves in the foot.

The Free Patriotic Movement needs to go back to their calls for Accountability. These calls are always met with Public support. But instead they'll continue to throw the best fundraiser ideas and still fall short on the funding of OTV. Don't forget that after Chocolate and Vanilla, Orange is the most favorite flavor.

Amal. Just Kidding.

The Lebanese Forces will elect Amin Gemayyel President then predict that the Syrians are going to kill him. A week later, the Syrians oblige paving the way for the election of Doctor Samir Geagea as the March 14th president.

Walid Jumblatt will move to Patagonia and buy a coca farm. Wiam Wahhab follows him promptly and buys a coca shrub.

The SSNP and the Lebanese Communist Party will continue collecting diapers for the displaced.

As for the government, well we will have 2 of them. Competition is good in free market economies. A couple of years ago we lived for a few months without a government. For the past 7 months we've had 0.7 of a government, so unorthodox governance is our thing. Eventually we'll get it right. I'm just looking forward to find out how Lahoud plans to counter Nayla Mouawwad in his government. I'd go with Maryam Nour.

Now the Lebanese people will still insist that their tabbouleh, ski resorts, and topless beach are evidence that they are fun loving peaceniks. It's the violent others who are full of hate and have been bringing their battles here for the past 5000 years.

A Hysteric Day

Just what we need in Lebanon, yet another date to commemorate. Now we will have to wait anxiously to see if the vote comes in before midnight Beirut time, to see which new label will be now used to piss off the March 14th crowd. If you thought February 14th got on their nerves wait until you see them called the May 30th/31st forces.

But it is a historic date indeed. This dawn a visitor from McLean, Virginia became the 100,000th visitor to this blog since January 13th 2006. To celebrate this fact I have 2 choices of concerts to attend. I can either stay home and listen to "Beirut 3am Tebki" playing on passing cars' super sub woofed stereos over and over and over and over again, or go check out Ziad Rahbani's new show. Why do they always schedule 2 can't miss events on the same night?

People are even passing out Baklawa in the streets. They shouldn't considering that I started blogging before January 13th, so the 100,000 figure isn't really accurate, which means this date isn't really significant at all. Still, this scene reminds me of the last time people were naively passing out Baklawa in the streets not knowing what the heck was coming their way. If memory serves me right, that day was a summer day back in the year ... 2006.

Blame Qatara

Let's See, Geroge Bush wanted to Bomb Al Jazeera. Jordan censored interviews conducted by Al Jazeera. Iran banned Al Jazeera because they criticized the Sistani dude. Egypt and Israel have jailed Al Jazeera reporters. Saudi Arabia is in an all out media war with Qatar. Locally, Jumbo man accused Al Jazeera of being alibis in Lebanon's terrorist attacks. Others attack Qatar and Al Jazeera for being Israel friendly. Al Jazeera reporters have been killed by occupiers/liberators and by insurgents/liberators/terrorists/jihadists in Iraq. They've been jailed in Spain and Guantanamo....


If they are pissing off so many people, they must be doing something right.

Breaking News

Presidential Candidate Carlos Eddeh will indulge us with his oh so cute wisdom over the next 2 hours on LBC TV.

Where are Abou El Abed and Abou Steif?

Part of the noise factor and the dangerous speculation battles taking place is the anonymization of the perpetrators of crime. So while Abou Hurayra, Abou Yazan, Abou Jandal, Abou Adass and Sejaan Saadeh are neck deep in accusations or dead; the people with faces who actually answer to registered triple names and might be involved in this mess remain unscathed and even run for office.

Anonymous masked scapegoats are beautiful propaganda tools. Abou Burghol could be blamed for all of Lebanon's ills and simultaneously be Syrian, Saudi, Iranian, Muslim, a blue eyed infidel Ohioan and everything in between . Spin away.

In other anonymous crimes news we have Ashrafiyeh at 30 Kg, Verdun at 25 Kg, and Aley weighing in at a mere 15 Kg. Let's not forget Ain Alaq at 2 x 5 Kg, and 2 years ago, Bouchriyyeh 30 Kg, Brummana 20 Kg, Samir Kassir 500 grams, George Hawi 500 grams, and Rafik Hariri One Billion Kg. I'm no forensic expert, but maybe just maybe, figuring out the weight of the bomb is irrelevant to finding out the perpetrators. Where are thee Abou Horatio Caine?

Finally in sports, Nejmeh Beat Ansar 1-0 (the Minister of Sports who had been on air non stop since friday had nothing to say about the game). But don't rejoice too much Nejmeh fans, as throughout the game Future TV made sure to remind the viewers (via a Breaking News item) that while Nejmeh did actually win, M14 won the Doctor's thingie (I wonder if Doctor Geagea gets to vote?). So it's actually a tie on the day; thus we now go to sudden death.

Arguile Smoking Security

With the terror bombing campaign touring the country, extraordinary measures have been taken to ensure safety. Now there's a personal approach and perception of what safety constitutes.


On any given friday night, Lebanese youth were always faced with the above choices. Often a 50-50 choice, but these days it has skewed right. For others who refuse these two choices, staying home and away from windows to wait it out is the way to go.


Personally, the sight of bomb sniffing dogs giving an all clear made me feel at ease until I read that sniffing ain't very effective in noisy (check), dusty (check), gusty, (check), and crowded (check) areas. Damn you google.







So now I trust my arguile puffing, dozen strong, neighborhood citizen patrol that keeps vigil on this street everynight and we all know how arguiles boost sensory alertness.


Feeling safe? Now, pop the champagne and celebrate the 7th anniversary of liberation.

Happy RESISTANCE* and Liberation day.

*Capped and bolded for all the playa haters out there.

Disclaimer: 2007 pictures are mine, 2000 pictures are stolen off the internet. I think it was the BBC site.

Parallel Realities

We* are living today parallel realities; two worlds that do not meet (unless God wills it). Ironically, both realities are being fueled by the same factor: Fear. I just crossed Hamra Street without bothering to look for incoming cars, that feat would be Houdini-esque (or what's the name of that new freak on TV?) in regular days. I was expecting a delivery today and the distributor asked me if it is safe for his 4 Syrian workers to come along; otherwise I'd have to carry the half ton fridge on my own.



But I** can't dwell on that. As one of my reader pointed out in the comments section of the previous post, I** have to provide solutions. I** wish he or she was as demanding of his or her elected representatvie who gets paid to come up with and implement solutions. It is our right as citizens to criticize and demand better governance, but I** still appreciate that vote of confidence.

To find a solution we need to identify the problem or problems. In our case I'm pretty sure it's the latter. Just off the top of my head there's Syria, the Syrians in the Palestinian camps, Israel of course, the biggest killer of them all which is traffic accidents, and finally Al Jazeera.

We'll start with hateful Television that can be solved remotely by switching the channel. The Syrians in Palestinian camps are almost done. Israel was kicked out, we just need an air defense system to stop the overflights. The roads can be fixed through law enforcement by properly trainig traffic police and better maintenance of roads which could be financed through the collection of parking tickets issued to all the cars lining up the streets outside Crystal.

Which leaves us with Syria, which is our biggest problem not because they are so hard to deal with. Au Contraire, Assad's regime has proven over and over again a level of ineptitude only surpassed in Syria's little offshoot. The problem is that we are entrusting former Assad tools to take care of that problem for us. We* are living with rats to keep an elephant away.

P.S. For real solutions to real problems just trust Elie Skaff.

* مساطيل

** مسطول

Beware the Noise

A man once upon a time a long long time ago said, "العمى بقلبو اللبناني شو مسطول" and everyday in history since that day has proven the wisdom of this man.

The panic and fear engulfing the مساطيل makes them susceptible to any rumors that might answer their question "Whodunit?" Who's the big bad wolf? Off course the big bad wolf is banking on this chaos and on these rumors to feed the already pre-conceived convictions and ignite the pent up hatred.

Anyways this مسطول just wants to point out that some widely ciculated rumors, are just that rumors, and hopes that his مساطيل buddies do not adopt these propaganda lines as facts and speed up the nose dive into the shit pond that awaits us.

So here we go with some rumor control:

My general rule is the louder they bark, the more full of shit they are. I present Wiam Wahhab and Ahmad Fatfat as Exhibit A.

Let me start with 1.)the Hariri funding of Fatah Al Islam. That comes from former MI6 Alistaire Crooke who was quoted in Seymour Hersh's "Redirection" article published a few months ago. So before you run with it keep in mind that it is only ONE source.

2.) Assad threatening to burn the region from Caspian Sea to Timbuktu also comes from one source. But this time it is an unnamed diplomatic source who only spoke to An-nahar. Of course, Memri quickly picked up the story. For all of you who read مساطيل newspapers know very well, that all esteemed newspapers have unnamed sources that always come up with juicy quotes which are never corroborated. So this automatic indictment of someone following up on a threat is purely for political gains.

3.) The nutbags are not exclusively Palestinian, most of them are actually مساطيل with some nutbags from various other Middle Eastern countries.

4.) The Army was never provided with aide to prepare for fighting, all the footage show that our brave soldiers are being sent to battle without any HELMETS! How many lives could have been saved with appropriate protection of soldiers?

5.) There is no consensual support for army. Many people and I know some very moderate unreligious folks who actually sympathize with these and other nutbags.

6.) The مساطيل don't love life. A large number of people showed more outrage for the glass shattered in ABC than for the tens of soldiers and civilians dead during the day.

Feel free to add to rumor control, because the blind faith in what we are told by the various propaganda outlets is what got us here in the first place.

Rage

The Lebanese on average have a shorter fuse than other great civilizations; but put a Lebanese dude or dudette behind the wheel and the whole concept of a fuse instantaneously combusts. I witness road ragers go at it on a daily basis. Most of the time I watch amused from afar wishing I had a camera on me to capture these priceless moments; when drivers burst out of their running cars and punches are exchanged for a couple of minutes until traffic moves again and everyone rushes back to their cars and order is restored. The sudden start and abrupt end to the fight always fascinates me. Sure, the insults hurled by the drivers resonate long after they driven away, but it does end and never escalates beyond the initial round.

Yesterday was different. I saw the familiar signs of an impending fist fight developing in slow motion, but unlike any other time I rushed to the scene to seperate the raging fighters. See normally I would not want to get soaked with men's sweat and risk catching an errant disfiguring blow to the face. God knows how long the waiting list for plastic surgeons is in this country. This time though, I felt safe. The reason I felt so secure about my ability to seperate the fighters cleanly was because the two men combined over 150 years of wisdom, age, and rage. The younger one, relatively speaking, did get on my nerves though when he reached for a wrench and wanted to "really hurt" the one that could barely walk. My "Bas Ya Wled, 3ayb" did nothing, neither did the warnings about the heart failure risk they face since their excitement level was much higher than it would ever get with that blue pill. But they did start gasping for air after a minute and withdrew back into their vehicles, or maybe it was my threat to go go Chapter 7 on their asses.

In any case, I'm confident they'll eventually outgrow this aggressive stage just like I'm confident that our Lebanese politicians will eventually do what is best for the country.

درس تاريخ

نحنا بلبنان بنتباها بتاريخنا، إنّو حاضرنا ما بيخلا من إنجازات متل سوليدير ونصر إلهي و نايلة معوض، بس كل هيدا ما بيتقارن مع تاريخنا. إنّو حدا بيقلّك حرب الكلّه أو الحرف مثلاً، و هاو ما شي يعني بس نموذج عن إنجازاتنا التاريخيّة.

لذلك بتقهر كتير لمّا بتلاقي حدا لبناني أو متلبنن عم يمشي عكس التاريخ. فلازم نصحّح الوضع. المشي بعكس التاريخ مرفوض تحت الفصل السابع . صحيح بنطنّش إذا مشيت بعكس السير بس مش التاريخ. لا لا تّيؤ، شو بيقولو عنّا فخرالدين و أليسار. عيب. إنّو ما بتنبلع .و أنا مش كتير نيئة بالبلع إنّو حطلّي غمّة أو نخاعات و بزلطن زلط مش هون المشكلة.

أحد الخيارات البديلة عن المشي عكس التاريخ الدارجة هالإيّام هيّي إنو تِعكُس تاريخك. عقول المثل تاريخك مش مريح، عْكِسوا واستريح. مين رح يحاسبك ؟

هلّق إذا تاريخك ما إشبو شي، جغل يعني، عاكس تاريخك، إقرصو بطيزو و قلّو شو يا قشطة؟ أو غمزلو من بعيد لبعيد إذا بتفضّل بس إنّو المهم ما تمشي بعكسو.

الشروال الفوشيا مش ستيلََك؟ إيه نسا التاريخ من أساسو لبوس باغي جينز عنص طيزك سمّعلي نثر توباك، و عقلبي متل السكّر. آخر همّي.

ولكن مع هيدا كلّو في بعض الأشخاص بيحاولو كتير يِعِكسو و يعاكسو ويتناسو التاريخ بس لسبب أو آخر هاو الأشخاص قد ما حاولوا... كانوا ... و لا يزالو... و رح يضلّو طول حياتن عَكِس إخت التاريخ.

عسى أن يتعلّمو الدرس.

Grateful Dead

شكراً سوريا

ألف شكر

مشكور المال الطاهر

مشكورة يا كويت

وسام شكر و تقدير

الشكر للامارات

الشكريّة هي إخت لبن إمّو

شكراً شكراً شكراً يا قطر

لكم الشكر والوفاء

الحمدلله رب العالمين

Thank you

وmerci كتير

Extrablogular Activity

Since I probably won't have time this week to add anything meaningful to this blog, here's an article I wrote for Wiretap.