Valet Parking Part Deux

I have touched on the subject previously, but this is one topic in Lebanon around which many dissertations could be done. One could study the Freudian interpretation of the glee derived from the key tossing experience; or the statistical correlation between the time it takes a poser to get out of his or her street blocking car and the number of angry eyeballs in the cars behind him or her.
I don’t have the time or the knowhow to conduct scientific research on this phenomenon, but I do have an eye that spots potential case studies.

Case #1

Dunkin Donuts is an American franchise that sells fried dough and sugar. It has long been known as a favorite hangout of men in uniform out late at night to protect and serve. It also serves as a quick pit stop for commuters that are late for work and in need of cheap coffee and a cheaper heart clogging sinful treat.
The Sodeco Area of Beirut is smacked right in the middle of what formerly the dividing line between East and West Beirut. It was an area known for its legendary snipers, and thus the bullet poked façade: a unique Beirut architectural style. Coffee there was a vital part of the survival kit back in these days under the snipe or be sniped theory.
The Dunkin Donuts at Damascus Road in the Sodeco Area of Beirut has Valet Parking.

Case #2

Lebanon has been suffering a massive brain drain since the opposition sit in started, or was it since the July war? The Hariri assassination? Since Hariri assumed power? Lausanne? 1982? April 13th? The Cairo accords? World War II? My great grandfather was in Cuba at the turn of the century so let’s just say that people have been fleeing this mountain range for a long, long time. A random sample of the youth would reveal that a good chunk of those leaving do so for the lack of money making job opportunities.
Forward Forum is a career fair that took place at BIEL this past weekend. Thousands of jobless youth flocked for a shot at a career that would keep them in the country. Careers that are unlikely to pay for mortgages, but at least they would cover their food; modest aspirations for college graduates.
Forward Forum had a Valet parking service that would save these 20 some year olds a walk of no more than 50 meters, yet hundreds of the job searchers opted to pay the extra fee for the luxury of just tossing the car key.

Counting Intellectuals

It's 4 am, and I can't sleep. An old trick that I know is to count sheep, but I've been living in a city for so long that I forgot what they look like. I do remember that they often come in herds and they make unintelligible noises.
There are no sheep in Beirut but I have witnessed a group of people that made unintelligible noises recently. It was right here in Hamra at something called Homeworks. They kept calling themselves "intellectuals." I wonder if they have the same effect.
Hazem Saghiyeh
Wissam Saadeh
Houssam Itani
Hazem Al Amin
Bashar Haydar
Rabih Mroueh
Jalal Toufic
Emily Jacir
Marwan Rechmaoui
Kamal Aljafari
Zeina Maasri
Khalil Rabah
Joana Hadji-Thomas
Khalil Joreige
Wael Shawky
Bernard Khoury
Hazzzem Saghiyeh
Hazzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Greek Orthodox: Pound for Pound

No need to remind everyone that the office of President of the Republic is vacant. That counter is well into triple figures, but it is almost a 1000 days behind the mother of all counters.

Earlier this week Siniora and Berri each kicked off a tour that'll take them to various stops where they can woo their fans, or was it fan their woes?
In any case with the absence of the top 3 Politicians, Farid Makari became the highest ranking politician in the country. Now that's an honor that Makari would be able to claim for just a few hours, maybe a day or 2 max. But that was enough to ruffle some feathers among the esteemed Orthodox brethren. It donned on Michel El Murr that he, and not a Makari, should have been the king for a day.

So in order not to miss out on an opportunity like this if it were to present itself again, Mr. Murr Sr. quit the Orange Parliamentary grove and positioned himself as the next independent consensual vice-speaker of the parliament.

Clever. huh? Well you don't just go from being Israel's most reliable ally to becoming Syira's most reliable tool , and then finally somehow be both in the government and in the opposition without being clever. It's a bit unorthodox though.

Who's your daddy?

I perfectly understand why a group of people chose to erect large posters of Abdallah Al Saud all over town. The "others" have posters of Khamenei up. So the only logical match would be the Servant King of Islam's Holiest places; a feat that certainly trumps Supreme leadership of a revolution in terms of Holy brownie points. What I don't get though is the timing. Why now? The only thing I could think of, is that this has to do with the absolutely successful and/or completely failed Arab summit is Damascus; a message to Assad to show him who's the Half-Man. Nah, I'm sure a King would be over this more than a year after the fact and wouldn't let a mere word get to him. CNN did call him a history maker after all. CNN called me "a blogger" once; I'm telling you, these people have an amazing nose for accurate labeling.

I was watching the Egyptian equivelant to CNN sunday night. The host was going to extraordinary lengths to tell us that Sunday was an ordinary day. He went on and on explaining how traffic was ordinary, schools had ordinary attendance, hospitals did an ordinary number of nose jobs, and football games had the same number of unspectacular goals scored as any other ordinary day. See here being the inquisitive guy I am, I grew suspicious. Why would anyone be so adamantly bragging about the ordinariness of a day? Well, because they wish it was.

The day was so out of the ordinary that our own Siniora was summoned to Cairo on Sunday. His experience in ignoring protesting citizens would surely come in handy in times like these. Sure, neither the Lebanese opposition is as courageous nor that Lebanese government is as oppressive as their Egyptian counterparts. After all,the so-called-opposition in this country is still to this day begging for "partnership". You are one ugly, evil, money hungry, conniving bastard, will you marry me?

On a final note, the money witness in the Hariri assassination investigation has disappeared. It might just be a witness protection move. In any case, this blog has received exclusive footage from the international tribunal in the land of legal hos and weed. Enjoy the show.

Maronites: Pound for Pound

The United States does it. So do Arab states; the moderately evil countries and the evilly moderate ones. I don't see why Lebanon should refrain from doing it, aren't we afterall the face of the Dakotas in the Middle East according to one Lebanese ultranationalist.

I'm talking, of course, about putting presidential faces on currency. Spare me the talk that we shan't worship false idols because we do it more than anyone ever did. Heck, we produced the real idols who preached about false idols.

We'll start off with Beshara El Khoury on the 100,000LL bill; not because he is worth more than the others but purely for aesthetic reasons, no one else would fill up this bill. 50,000LL has to go to Elias Hrawi. He was our only president to get re-elected without the MP's going "Oops, we were just @#$%ing around." 20,000LL has to feature Fouad Chehab as 20,000 of his preteges went on to become presidents.

In the US the $1 bill is reserved for Washington, clearly the President with the best head of hair. If we follow the same logic, only Amine Gemayyel can be on the 1000LL note. Emile Lahoud gets the pink 5,000LL note, only because there isn't a glittery lilac silk one.

That leaves us with the 10,000 Liras: Orange numbers with a yellow background. I say we keep it vacant for the time being, there's a good chance someone would fit this bill sometime next year.

Cultural Agenda II

This whole Beirut Spring Business, or Culture, is now starting to captivate me. I'll assume the use of "Beirut" is just synecdochical, and what is really meant is the whole of Lebanon. But the same does not apply to "Spring", Spring is just Spring without the rest of the seasons. It fits in with a Future without a past, and Love and Life in an eternal Hallmark moment.

I must admit it is a very attractive "culture" for consumers. It's actually heavenly. Except you don't have to die to go there. It's right here on Earth; in Beirut specifically. Spring is beautiful, unlike the harsh winter, the long hot sweaty summer days, and not to mention Autumn which is synonymous with the end of life. Of course, a culture of no worries and no responisibilities naturally would have no accountability. The consumer is buying this culture as is. Anything un-springy one might encounter is just foreign. Alien obstacles are maliciously placed solely to ruin this midspring night's dream.

Things might be looking gloomy, but the guardians of culture keep huffing and puffing into a huge heartshaped balloon. I admire that, but we all now what happens to an overinflated balloon. That's a whole lot of bad breath.

Redefining Absurdity

First of all, a message to the readers. I know I've been away for a while, but Please, please, please I urge you, nah, I beg you not to fire any weapons in the air when you're done reading this. The culture of propaganda is all about firing up lies, not live bullets. But if you must, go for the M-16. With the US Dollar in its current state, it has become cheaper to waste American bullets than Russian ones.

Now Carlozinho might not have fully grasped what people saw. So I'll put it in terms he should understand. Dude, you looked far more ridiculous than Tante Imm Micho doing the Lambada. I do still find him cute and adorable, but Elie Beik Skaff will always be number one in my heart.

Pissful Coexistence

There are many angles in Lebanon where you can take a picture and capture a church and a mosque in the same frame. Oh, the beauty of peaceful coexistence. Well, that isn't entirely accurate. If you look closer, you'd notice that the newer shrine is on average three times the size of the older house of worship. This phenomenon can be attributed to the fact that this beautiful picture was actually the result of a pissing match between the coexisting village people.

The Story of Ayyoub

In Lebanon we have a political opposition. It's there, it's really there. Don't be fooled by the lack of vital signs. No Breathing, no pulse, that's all an illusion. It is not dead. You see, the opposition happens to be of the patient variety. Patience as you know is a virtue.
I guess it would take a patience virtuoso to understand. That's Ayyoub.


Cultural Agenda

Friday, 7:30 pm, Waving Flag Caravan Concerto Around the Block
Saturday, 10:00 am, Bread and Rice Bribe-A-Thon, Diwaniyyet Al Aish al Mushtarak, Istiqlal street
Saturday, 10:00 pm, Traditional Zajal by Zaghloul Abou Faour and the BIEL troupe, La Hoya Suites, Manara
Sunday, 10:00 am, "Now you have One Man, Now you see 50", Magic show, Liberated Section of Martyr Square
Sunday, Tea Time, Fibs and Tales of the Truth , Taditional Storytelling by Grand Hakawati Ahmad Fatfat, Grand Serail
Mon-Sun, 12:55pm, "In the Third Year, He Rose Again", Recitale by the Sea

Libertad, Libertad!

Overheard on April 14th, 1961 at Cafe Versailles, Eighth Street, Miami, FL

-Oye Doña, un cortadito por favor. Make it special, it'll be my last one in this country.

- What do you mean last one, Chico.

-Listen Jacinto, we can't go wrong.

-What if...

- No what ifs, no nothing. We will go in through the Bay go straight up the hill. Once we're on the hilltop Fidel will have nowhere to go but to jump in the sea.

- I don't know, Men. Can we do that alone.

- We will not be alone man, that's the beauty of it. The Gringos will bomb Fidel by air, to open the way for us. Señor Jon Jon senior promised us support. The Gringos already deployed 3 warships to cover our butts. It'll be over in a week. Even the prisons are ready, we just need the prisoners.

- A week, chico!?

-Maximo.


This post is dedicated To Ahmad El Assaad, Dory Chamoun, and their other cute little playpals.

بالإذن من إبن عربي

كل مبادرة شفيعها عمر موسى، لا يعوّل عليها

كل قمّة لأمّة قادتها طغاة، لا يعوّل عليها

كل جدار يفصل حبيبين ،مهما علا لا يعوّل عليه

كل سلاح قمع ذكي كان أم غبي، لا يعوّل عليه

كل احتجاج مطلبه كرسيّ، لا يعوّل عليه

كل كرسي يُقعِد جالسَه مدى الحياة، لا يعوّل عليه

كل مليون تتّسع له كراسي استاد ميشيغان، لا يعوّل عليه

وكل فرد ينوب عن مليون ، لا يعوّل عليه

كل جمع ضرب و طرح و قسمة، لا يعوّل عليه

كلّ لبناني ينظّر من الغربة، لا يعوّل عليه

وكلّ غربي ينظّر من لبنان ، لا يعوّل عليه

أمّا كل لبناني ينظّر من لبنان،من أمثالي يعني، فلا يعوّل عليه

The Big Picture

Landmarks have always been used in directions due to the lack of street signs and building numbers in Beirut. "50 meters after the pothole", "right next to the chestnut tree", or "where that restaurant used to be" are regularly used even though that restaurant closed before you were born.

These days, however, directions have gotten much easier. You see the huge picture of Saad Hariri with his dad hovering over him? I'm in the third building to the right. There's that building with the whole side covered with a humongous Hassan Nasrallah, he's even larger than the crowd at the downtown rally. The big poster with the much younger yet no less bald Samir Geagea points you in the right direction. At the end of the road you'll see a Large picture of Pierre Gemayyel turn right; your right, his left. Don't worry the power is out but the general and his bright orange mural will illuminate the way. And just in case you get lost getting to Nabih Berri's residence, there he welcomes you with a slick smile and even slicker Ray Bans.

You can't miss it.

Penny Pinching

Haifa Wehbe $75,000; Nancy Ajram $75,000; Najwa Karam $75,000; Assi Hellani $75,000; Elissa $75,000; Majida El Roumi $60,000; Ragheb Alameh $60,000; Nawal El Zoghbi $50,000; Wael Kfouri $50,000, Fares Karam $40,000; Walid Toufic $30,000; Dominique Hourani $25,000; Jad Choueiri $25,000; Mayez El Bayyaa $Peanuts; Ahmad Kaabour $Tossed Salad.

15 acts for a maximum total cost of $715,000 and a guaranteed "1.5 Million."

...and he's the one that's supposed to be the Money wiz.

Nothing Nice to Say

How does it go? "If you have nothing nice to say... just say mean things." My silence over the last few weeks is not due to the lack of things to talk about, but the lack of nice things to say. Anger is a different domain with its own specialists.

Today, there's a World cup Qualifier against Uzbekistan. The weather is beautiful , so here's an opportunity to enjoy an outdoor activity away from the soapish drama of Lebanese so called politics; except the game will be held in an empty stadium to preserve civil peace. Let's see if I can con my way to a press pass. More on that tomorrow if I succeed in making it into that beautiful serene stadium.

The affair between the Free Patriotic Movement and Hezbollah reminds me of Woodstock. Except there is no alcohol. Ok there is very little sex. The drugs are prescription, and there is no rock and roll. The main event tonight culminates a week of love expressions hardly ever seen on the Lebanese scene. Don't get me wrong, I'll take fake love over real bombs any time, but get a room. The big question for tonight remains will they or will they not kiss, but I think Claude Shalhoub would have been more appropriate than Jean Aziz for the occasion.

What the heck is a Sansoul? The song has been stuck in my head for a week and I have no clue what it means.

License to Kill

I estimate Corniche El Mazraa to be about a kilometer long, which if you divide by 5 meters you get room for 200 cars on each side of the road. On a Friday afternoon there are over 400 cars parked along the Corniche and none had a parking ticket on its windshield, so I assumed it was safe and extremely lucky for me to park right in front of Abou Ahmad for a quick bite. However, as I walked out I found an Eric Estrada writing me a ticket. "Why me?" I cried cautiously not wanting to push any wrong buttons considering I don't even carry a valid driver's license. Out of hundreds of cars, I was the only one being cited because... "you didn't leave your flashers on."

That was when a lot of Lebanese mysteries became clear to me. You can get away with murder if you leaves your flashers on. When downtown property owners tried pleading their cases against Solidere with judge Eido, they always hit the brick wall when confronted with "But did you have your flashers on?" Nabih Berri knew the power of flashing lights when he controlled the source of all our lights, that's how he's still shining even though his Amal movement has faded away. Shaker El Absi must have had his flashers on when he fled Naher El Bared leaving our mighty army dazed and impotent like superman under a blinking red sun.

I thought I had Beirut all figured out, but this town never ceases to intermittently amaze me.

Algebra

x + y + z = u

x < u/2

y < u/3

x > y > z

x + y + z + u ≤ 0

x ∩ y = Ф

x U y = ²³⁵U

u= √-1

Find x,y,z,u

Bonus: Find Michel Nayla Mouawad

Rationing Rationale

Back in early Summer, Electricite du Liban started rationing power in Beirut on a temporary basis due to peak demand during the hot summer season exceeding the production capacity. Off course, areas outside Beirut were used to heavy power cuts even in off, way off peak seasons. Then on August 2nd an excuse fell from the heavens in form of a Fatah Al Islam rocket that completely shut down the Deir Amaar power plant and forced fuel ships far far away. I know I know, this was a grave situation. It was War, a legitimate safety concern; the Electric company would never just make up cheap excuses.

Personally I don't mind walking up 5 flights of stairs, it's good for the glutes. But Shaker El Absi has vanished and it's not that hot anymore, so why hasn't the electric company come up with a new spin?

Jardeh

Magician's Secret Revealed

Andre Lala makes one of the best chicken sandwiches in town. The garlic sauce he makes can't possibly be legal, but at least you can rest assured bird flu stands no chance against the smell. I've inspected the shelves at this little hole in the wall in Rmeil and found no unusual spices. But the answer to the Lala mystery came to me from up above, the recipe secret that gives the Lala chicken that extra oomph comes in the form of a bug zapper situated directly above the work area. You can see some remnants of the special ingredient stuck on the metal rods since before the war. Electrilicious!!

Hollywood is for Kids

That's the impression you come out of the movies with if you have visited a lebanese movie theater the past few weeks. Hollywood provides the rated G movies (Bee Movie, Fred Clause, Enchanted...), while Beirut provides the Drama, Adventure, and Comedy. It had been a busy year for the Lebanese movie industry, and it has had some success at the box office which should naturally help the evolution of Lebanese movie making up from the Micho Qazzi stage to the intelligent human stage in the near future.

Status Quo

Despite Nabih Berri pendular outlook between the mother of all evil and great salvation we find ourselves right where we were a year ago. So watch for some incidents that end of January, a dozen of useless tete-a-tetes between Zaeems, and summer war; or you can wait to hear it from your favorite TV channel's Nostradamus on new year's eve.

My Rosy Outlook for 2008. Why the heck not?

2008 ought to be W's final year in power. There's always a chance for a constitutional amendment as we are experiencing first hand.

Beijing 2008 basketball qualifying tournament. After choking against Iran in the Asian Championship game, Lebanon's national team gets another chance to make it to Beijing. The competition will be tough but it should be fun.

Charlie Kaufman has a new movie out in 2008 with Philip Seymour Hoffman no less. I know it's not Abu Riad the sequel, but I'm looking forward to it nonetheless.

Ok maybe not too many rosy things on the horizon afterall, but (insert your favorite motivational hallmark quote here).

Ought To

"...the world ought to say this: that the March 14th coalition can run their candidate in their parliament, majority- plus one ought to determine who the president is, and when that happens, the world ought to embrace the president."

Inspiring words on what ought to happen and what we ought to do to make it happen.

We ought to embrace Siniora's 11 pm announcement of mourning the next day for Francois El Hajj's funeral because it means he is working late without billing us for overtime.

We ought to embrace the astronomical increase in the price of Potatoes and other produce since it boosts our export revenue numbers.

We ought to embrace the quality of the American made Israeli dropped cluster bombs which are still killing Lebanese civilians and mine clearing volunteers at a brisk rate.

We ought to embrace Elliot Abrams gracing us with his visit for everything he touches turns into a glowing picturesque ball of light and warmth.

We ought to embrace, sit still ,and hold tight for a new year is upon us and that is never a good think.

Happy Holidays

From Lebanon Again

For Most Anglosaxons the expression "Kiss Me Again" can only be interpreted as a request for an encore act of contact from foreign lips (teeth, tongue, and/or tonsils) against any part of the recipient's body with some sort of spastic motion that creates a certain degree of noise and moisture.

In Lebanon Kiss-Me-Again is not even remotely associated with the verb to kiss (as it could be used in reference to a power outage), the pronoun me (which might as well be replaced with them or y'all or Timbuktu) , or the adjective again for it might be about a novelty or something that will never happen once let alone again. "Kiss-Me-Again, Siyedeh, Istiqlel..."

Now you might think this is just an expression used by pre-teens to circumvent the use of the real thing which keeps them cool without risking the consequences of a nanny 911 time out. That it's a phase they'd outgrow once they develop a more articulate vocabulary. Don't get your hopes up as there are documented cases of retirees in Basta who don't even know a word of english dropping kiss-me-agains over games of Backgammon.

A new phrase can soon be added to the languages display at the national museum: kiss em again akhou sharmouta.

Pardon me for the vulgar use of again.

The Golden General

Never has silence been more golden than in the case of our Presidential candidate du jour. Heck he's starting to lose some points because he's been seenlately visiting some people. So the peak of his popularity was when he was silent and invisible. A poll a few weeks back showed that the number 2 answer to "who would you prefer for president?" was "No one". So after Syria and the anti-syrians agreed on eliminating the people's number one choice from contention, they opted for the closest thing they could find to a "no one".

As no one fills the void, the parties involved have moved ahead to the next step which is the first Post-Siniora Cabinet. Siniora might or might not be back at the Ministry of Finance. Kouchner might be lobbying for the foreign ministry seat. The only sure thing is that Tareq Mitri and Charles Rizk won't ever see the Serail again.


But enough politics, let's move on to other places where silence is golden on the cultural scene which swung back in full force as soon as Ammar Al Houri declared the end of the presidential crisis. Charbel Rouhana debuted a few songs at an anti-AIDS concert, or was it pro? In any case, from what I've heard, and wish I haven't, the follow up to his last Album "Khateerah" is apparently going to be "Khabeesah".


An Arabized and watered down remake of Lorca's "La Casa de Bernarda Alba" opened yesterday in Babel Theater under the direction of Jawad El Asadi and the title "Sexophone Women". Overall, it is a worthy effort given all the difficulties a theatrical production faces these days, as the show has been postponed as many times as the presidential selection session. The colorful performance was overall "entertaining". I have to note my reservations on cutting out half of Lorca's characters and thus gutting the story. Jahida Wehbe was able to act the lead role, but she failed at singing it. The Young'un Yvonne El Hachem's performance stood out, and Aida Sabra's energy triggered a Tsunami watch in the South Pacific.

Now for this stormy weekend, and keepig with the theme of Silence. I'll be camping out at the movies. We've got the ongoing European film festival, Burhan Alawiye's "Khalas", and Mai Masri's "33 Days." So طير و فرقع يا بوشار، ما بيصير أكتر ما صار, or so we hope.

Say Cheese!

Today is day 1017 in search of the truth, day 361 of the opposition's sit in, and day 3 of Fouad I's reign.

Saudi Arabia doesn't really want to attend, but it doesn't want to go against Arab consensus. Syria also thinks this conference is a failure but it will show up to keep with the Arab consensus. His Majesty is sending a delegate even though he still sheds tears for the victims of Israeli barbarism. You know why? Because of Arab Consensus. Arab public opinion is strongly opposed to free concessions and the unbiased mediator role of the US. Can someone explain to me what the heck is this Arab consensus they speak of?


Now if you average the approval ratings of the regimes attending this conference, you'll get a number below the Mendoza line. The American in me is coming out with obscure baseball references, but I'm just trying to say they ain't very popular. Still, they aim to achieve a collective boost in popularity out of this orgy since it can not deliver anything of substance.

Some are worried that the Arab Dictatorships will be seen as openly isolating any opposition to Israel in the region. Well, when they were already openly in support of Israel in summer of 2006, and they are openly turning a blind eye to the collective punishment of Gazapolis; how's a little handshake and photo op with Tzipi Livni going to hurt.

Peace can only be conceived in a healthy host with lively seeds. Those trying to artificially induce their promised "birth pangs" have to face the fact that they are sterile and surrounded by a bunch of limps.