Tuesday, October 24, 2006

A Lebanese Newspaper

There are no newspapers out today in Beirut because of the End of Ramadan holiday. I feel obliged to fill the void for those of us who must get their daily dose of repetetive propaganda rants to get their day going.

As you know, Beirut features 713 daily newspapers which is roughly double the number of news paper readers in the country. Circulation is not really an issue as all newspapers' publishing expenses are covered by rich people and countries. Anyways, 712 of these dailies run the same format. The lone exception is Al Balad which decided that writers are overrated in the newspaper business and has replaced all writers on the staff with photographers and google image searchers.

So here you have what today's newspapers would've looked like.

The feature headline must be scandalous and not necessarily true so we can go with "Brammertz: Hariri died of Avian Flu" followed by supportive evidence and then what really is going on in smaller print like "Avian Flu case confirmed in Homs" and then "Bunch of Dudes and Nayla Mouawad have Nescafe and Petifour at Bristol."

The front page editorial is always an "I told you so" that proves the newspaper's credibility. "Back in the 80's you all made fun of my 70's wardrobe. Today it's back in style, so stop mocking my toupe."

Pages 2-6 feature one opinion piece that is based on conversations with a ton of anonymous well informed sources, one investigave report based on testimonials of anonymous well informed sources, and the following news items:

Siniora thanks so and so for their Generous Pledge of Support

Berri Smirks about his Ability to Get Away with Murder

Former PM Hoss after meeting with Tunisian delegate: We must maintain a good relationship with Syria

Patriarch Sfeir after hosting Harb: We insist on a Unified position (Wihdat Al Saff)

Lahoud after confirming the Ambassador of Latvia: Chirac wants my Back

Fadhlallah in Friday's Sermon : Beware of Conspiracies

Walid Eido: Look at me, look at me, look at me

Page 7 is where the newspaper tries to connect with the people by trying to bring up their problems like "Parking problem near An-Nahar Bldg. causes Citizens major delays".

The economy page has been reprinted exactly the same way for the past 15 years and no one has noticed, just look at it tomorrow and you'll see the following headlines: "US Dollar exchange rate is 1507.5 Liras", "Year nearing End and no Budget in Sight", and "Salameh: Banking Sector in Great Shape".

Sports pages always talk about teams financial woes and fan fights on the local scene, while internationally it's all about Ronaldinho and Tennis for some reason.

Culture page features Haifa or a look alike and some frustrated arab writer who blames his shitty writing on imperialism.

(The Horoscopes go here, but some girl ripped them out to show them to her friend.)

Finally, the back cover features odd news items off the wires, a random picture of Kellaj that I had promised before, and the silly Caricature du Jour which I will replace with this witty sketch by Amal.

I hope this quenches your newspaper cravings until tomorrow.


laila said...


Maya@NYC said...

as always, a treat ... kellaj and all!:)

hillz said...

you forgot:
"ma7soobkon" wears the 30th 3aba2a in the last iftar.. :P

inmotion said...

hayda howe?

That's it?


don't think i've ever had it!


Anonymous said...

came across your site by accident.
the food looks very yummy what is it called? ... but I don't understand the cartoon.
I think I will visit again.

bech said...

ya zalameh i can't stop laughing at the thought of seeing Nayla Moawad eating petit four with "a bunch of dudes" !