Monday, December 26, 2005

The Gandis 2005

Every 365th day we must evaluate everything. It's the law. We must evaluate our life, our weight, our wallets, feel depressed about our lack of accomplishments, then feel better by emptying our wallets on our weight and cutting our life short in the process.

We also must give away awards. So here are the Propagandis or P Gandis for 2005 AD (around 1400 AH).

Best Falafel: Falafels of Zion (Sahyoun)- where Bechara El Khoury Avenue meets Damascus road parallel to Monot Street, on your left, Beirut
This 1x1 meter joint specializes in falafel, nothing else, no customer service, no smiles, hygiene is questionable, but the falafels are the best.

Best name for the area where the Martyrs statue is: Bourj Square.
Talk about an identity crisis. Martyr Square, Freedom Square, Independence Square, Sovereignty Square, Hariri Square, Tent camp, Cock (Deek) Square. Well I decided to go with what I think is its original name.

Best Sandwich: Massad's Taouk- now this is tricky. It's up(straight up) the tightest (fits a Peugeot 207 but not a 307) steepest (90 degrees) alley (foot trail) in Zahle (the bride of the Bekaa).
Worth the trip and the wait because you will have to wait once you get there. Even though you'll spend some money on the gas and the new paint job for your car, it's still cheaper than a meal in Beirut.
Warning: Don't speak English or French or Beiruti with the waiter, he might beat you up.

Best Censorship Job: Crazy Frog's Penis. How was this little amphibian screwed out of a grammy?

Best Place of Residence during Election season: Tripoli. So what if you don't have a proper sanitation system, schools, or hospitals. Come election season your vote is worth all the misery you have to endure for 4 years, that's about $200.

Best Kababs: Abou Ahmad- Corniche Al Mazraa. Abou Ahmad has been feeding Beirut for decades. How does he have the stamina to do it? He keeps a strict diet of Turkish Coffee and Marlboros. Warning: no matter what you order there you will fart afterwards, just make sure you don't accidentally shart.

Best Protest: The parents of the missing in Syrian jails - Gibran Park. March 8th + March 14th + Feb 21st + May 7th don't stand a chance when facing a handful of weeping mothers. Too bad it's just not good enough for TV.

Best Starbucks: Bhamdoun. I have to accept the fact that Starbucks will eventually open a branch inside each room of my house, but with the Bhamdoun Branch closing 9 months each year at least I have a glimmer of hope that won't happen.

Best Assassination: OK, I'm not THAT cruel. Here's to a bomb-free 2006.


[ j i m m y ] said...

i love your awards.
i would like to congratulate you on the Sahyoun and the Masaad ones.

the Masaad delight is one of the tastiest in the country! Every single person whom i introduced to this charming place and tasty wooden platter has immediately fallen in love with it. The masaad brothers have been catering zahle and the bekaa for decades.

on the B-side, allow me to mention the following places: (i've tried them only once, but i've been told they've been there for decades)
- Best fish sandwich: abou fady ; mina tripoli
- Best ftileh sandwich: mahfouz ; old souk - tyre

also, those places might also be worth a try:
- Best armenian platters: Varouj ; Bourj hammoud
- Best cheap lebanese place: le Chef ; gemmayze

as for starbucks: i recommend that we tell this stupid posh place to fuck off by doing the following.

Jamal said...

Lunch at Mahfouz
Throw Rocks at the Israelis
Dinner at Abou Fady
Throw Rocks at the Syrians

Anonymous said...

Best names for martyr square:
how about martyr complex square?
or just martyr complex, since its more of a complex than a square these days with all that desolate concrete and surrounding newness.