Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Race to the Top

You won’t find this advertised in the Lebanese ministry of tourism brochures, but next to the usual attractions of nature, history, and the joie de vivre that only armed militants can possess; Lebanon enjoys rich reserves of deeply entrenched racism. Sadly, the excesses we enjoy cannot be exported in exchange of any material returns to ease the country’s trade deficit. While Lebanese racism is at its best when directed internally towards the “other” less gifted Lebanese factions (that is even constitutionally recognized as it states clearly in article 5 that you are only a first class citizen if you are a male conceived from a Lebanese sperm that belongs to one of the top 3 religious groups represented in Taef), I will just count down the top 5 foreign groups that suffer from racist discrimination in Lebanon.

5. Arab gulfies: Any Lebanese no matter what he or she has or has not accomplished in life thinks he or she can con a rich Arab. According to local logic, the superior Lebanese cab driver can trick the top Kuwaiti brain surgeon based on the latter not wearing Jeans.

4. Eastern European Women: While their western counterparts get treated as goddesses as they are the only race superior to the Phoenicians (plus holy matrimony with them leads to a kickass passport), the Eastern European Women can only possibly be in Lebanon on an entertainer’s visa which translates to belittling treatment from a dude who weighs onions for a living.

3. Syrians: the Macho Lebanese who idolized and worshipped the Syrian Mukhabarat goons, and didn’t dare look up when shining Syrian officers’ flip flops in pre-revolutionary times now try to earn their anti-Syrian stripes by abusing poor Syrian workers. In a way, this thuggish behavior displayed by officials and common folk alike makes the workers feel at home. From daily Sahsouh-packed interrogations, to random detentions when the authorities need terrorist suspects and home burning should be enough to make them the most discriminated group; but they aren’t seasoned enough to compete with the top groups.

2. “Sri Lankans”: Of course a Sri Lankan is anyone who hails from the domestic worker empire the stretches from east Africa to the Asian pacific region. You can purchase a Sri Lankan or more at any slave trader near you. As long as you keep them (the traders) happy you can do anything you want with your purchase and no one will stop you. Lock them up in a burning apartment, hang them as adornment off your balcony, let your teenage boy get his rape techniques down before he joins the local neighborhood militia; it is really up to you and your imagination. Laws don’t apply as their own embassies have approved the trade and will turn a blind eye.

1. Palestinians: All of a sudden, I have nothing to say. It must be the damn Palestinians’ fault, kill them all!

13 comments:

JoseyWales said...

Funny and good Jam, except for number 1).

When they had a chance, your number one victim-friends acted as much the bully and the arrogant as the worst Lebanese.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Someone screwed them in 48 so they automatically go to the top of all lists.

Anonymous said...

Put Jews with the Palestinians, the rumor say there are five hidden Jews in Lebanon.

laila said...

have i told you lately that i love you??

ps. i nominate joseywales for coauthor of this post.

Anonymous said...

As a member the elite society of Lebanese (well half, half group #4)I resent your claims of racism!
We embrace all colours in Lebanon. If you want proof, take a spin around Beirut. You'll see blue, red, orange, green, yellow, and rainbow. Gay pride, baby.

أمل said...

Palestinians came to Lebanon in 1948 to enjoy araq, tabbouli and the 15 mins drive between the mountains and the sea.

No one screwed them up.

You are just jealous we have two governments.

ali bm said...

excellent post but u forgot about lebanese discriminating against other lebanese for hailing from other areas inside lebanon...

Ibn Bint Jbeil said...

for the first time in my life (and the last time, in this life and in the afterlife,) i agree with jose gonzalez wales: i dont know about the gulfies being on the top of the list.

and an enthusiastic yes yes to ali: jamal, intra-lebanese racism should be the topic of your next post (can we properly use the term race in such context? i think we can. because the whole idea of race is a misnomer, since it is now established gentically that we all came out of east africa approx 10-20 thousand years ago. thus the very foundation of zionism, nazi-ism, klukluxklanism, republicanism, and pheonicianism are null and void.)

Delirious said...

I agree with both josey wales (very well put, nothing to add) and ali (you'd need a whole blogopedia to write about dicrimination of the Lebanese among themselves).

Anonymous said...

Lebanese are no more nor less racist than the rest of the world, I live in france, and the french think they can sell anything to a golfie at any price, it is signé! they could refuse you a job if u are arab or black, they snob eastern europeans and worship americans and japanese, parisians snob the rest of the french etc ...
golfies are very racist too, they treat indians and asians like slaves, in Dubai and KSA your employer confiscates your passport the minute you step in his company whether you are an engineer or a cleaning agent, if this is not modern slavery then what is it!
All people are racist in one way or another, but the "civilised" ones realise they are racist and make laws against it and feel ashamed to be exposed as racists in public, as opposed to us lebanese as racism is constitutionalised and is national sport.

Anonymous said...

boy. you sound a lot smarter than you really are.you must be mahroom.

L said...

Mu' bueno :)

Walid said...

Funniest thing I've read all week. Kudos.

Anonymous said...

That was interesting. I belong to one of these groups...and i did not know it.