Hajj Ponzi

A major Ponzi scheme of Madoffesque proportions has come to light in Lebanon. The twist here is that the crook, "Hajj" Salah Ezzeddine, took cover under Hezbollah's popularity in South Lebanon and made off with $1.2 billion according to As-Safir.

The man behind the 12 year old scheme also ran a publishing house that specialized in "resistance books" and a Hajj tour organizing agency. His PR events for Dar El Hadi always had a list of invitees that included HA ministers and MPs which was then used by Ezzeddine to build his image of a pious trustworthy investor who is close to "the party" and made good on 40% returns on investments in "Iranian Steel"... and quite steal it was.

As with every scheme of this sort, hundreds of people have lost al their life savings and are extremely angry, some at Hezbollah itself. It is still a developing story as Ezzeddine is in custody of Said Mirza who in an unrelated note came under an intense attack from Jamil El Sayyed yesterday.. Meanwhile the Finance minister is missing in all of this scandal but in his defense he is digging for a way out of Lebanon's financial dilemma.

Who will carry the torch of Elie Beik?

Ok, I can't burry my head in the Berdawni any longer. I have to admit that I might have been wrong when I said previously that the elections did not matter. My stuttering voice in parliament Elie Beik Skaff lost and I have to come to terms with that. Albeit Elie Beik will continue tirelessly to caretake the national agriculture while his replacement continues to be a figment of a constantly absent mind. Kudos to Elie Beik.

But as the cliche goes, all good things come to an end. I have to overcome the pain and start looking elsewhere for someone to shoulder my legislative concerns, someone to take it on the chin for me, someone who will speak for me until he grows hair on his tongue which apparently is a real medical condition and not just a Lebanese saying. Hairy.. shoulders...talking...chin.....hmmm... but of course how could I miss him ...His excellency Mr. Bear Arabia, Elie Marouni. Who makes a better mentor than someone who was patient enough to teach a bunch of 10 year olds, including my 10 year old self, the right way to speak the mother tongue. But I don't know why I just don't see him filling the shoes of Elie Beik. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful student, the nerd in me is probably not over the 13/20 grades because "no one deserves higher than that in Arabic composition", or I might still hold a grudge over the time he hit me with a yardstick. Do they still hit students in schools here?

Anyways, moving on to other candidates, we have Oqab Saqr.

Ok next, there is Ziad Qadri. Ok he's not exactly from my electoral district, but close enough. There is someone who is my age, we grew up in the same place, we ran in the same circles, so naturally we should have similar concerns and that makes for an excellent representative. The problem is that he's been awfully quiet. That's actually not a terrible thing given that generally the campaign ran by the rival camps was pure sectarian drivel and lacked any real issues. So maybe Qadri was waiting for the right moment to speak so his words can make an impact.

He finally spoke yesterday. Enough was enough, something had to be said. The mockery of the people cannot continue. Leaders have to step up and put things in their right places. He condemned how some are "unfairly picking on the Saudi role in Lebanon, and accusing the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia of obstructing the formation of the cabinet." He added an expression that basically says "honey will always attract bees."

I knew he was the one...move over Elie Beik... finally someone who will defend the Saudis for me.

The night Israel will never overcome...

Avigdor Lieberman, racist extraordinaire, can yap all he wants about destroying Lebanon and exterminating Arabs, as he and his war criminal buddies in the Apartheid state of Israel poorly attempt to repaint history in a more favorable hue.

Three years ago the Israeli air force went on a killing spree which they tried to mask as a military operation. But as the dust settled and investigations concluded it became clear that while Israel earned a lot of civilian blood spillage cred; militarily they earned themselves an unsurmountable lead atop the greatest gaffes in the history of men in uniform.

So to understand why Israel's top brass is overly macho with their threats these days, we shall recount the events of a night that the State of Israel will Never overcome...

On the evening of August 1st, 2006 champagne was being chilled at the Israeli military intelligence headquarters. As we'll discover later the use of the term intelligence will prove to be very lose. Excitement was hard to hide as the sun sunk over the Mediterranean because in the third week of the war the hard work and the billions of dollars spent were going to prove well spent. Ground battles were still raging near the border fence in the outskirts of Maroun El Ras and in the Khiam Valley a couple of kilometers deep into Lebanese territories. That didn't discourage one of the globes best equipped militaries from shoot for the sun or at least the city of Sun a couple of hundred kilometers beyond what was proving to be the unpenetrable land borders.

An Ultra-elite commando unit consisting of tens of ultra-elite super zohans disguised as Lebanese military were dropped off somewhere in a scarcely populated of Lebanon western mountain range. Everything was going according the plan concocted by the ultra-brilliant minds of Sayeret Matkal and Shaldag. With the tops down and enjoying the midsummer night breeze they approached the town of Jammaliyah, Baalbeck. Here the ultra-brilliance of the operation starts to come to light for this town is known to be a red town and not particularly a yellow stronghold on the Lebanese political color scheme. Historically, Hezbollah's security apparatus has earned the reputation of being very tight while sticking to "safe" and familiar territory; so for the Israelis to discover that Hezbollah would actually go against their modus operandi to throw off the Israelis is nothing short of miraculous intelligence gathering. The job that hundreds of bunker busting bombs missed was nearly complete as they knocked down the door and nabbed 5 senior targets including the biggest of them all, Hassan Nasrallah. Game, Set, Match...the war is won...

One story says that a Palestinian accent gave the elite commandoes away. It was probably the Lebanese military that figured out the impostors in Jamaliyyah. In any case the Israelis will surely come out of this snag as air cover was on its way to save the day. Gun battles raged between Lebanese resistance fighters and the fumbling Matkals and Shaldags. After the first round of air raids it was clear that the take off will not be without a heavy price. Battles raged all night in this small Bekaa valley town with non-stop air raids by the most advance murder technology. Civilians without any formal military training grabbed whatever they could get there hands and joined in the fight. Of those were comrade Awad Jamal Eddine, his son Hassan, and nephew Maxim who came out to defend their village. Primitive hunting rifles engaged the ultra-elite killing pros or what was left of them until the early morning hours. 19 villagers including 4 children where killed. Israeli war propaganda insists that its military was unscathed in battle, but an unusual number of soldiers died in that period from a pretzel choking epidemic.

Whatever the price Israel paid on that night must have been worth it as Hassan Nasrallah was on an Apache headed back to the Apartheid state where he will be humiliatingly paraded as Israel's ultimate war trophy.

It took 3 weeks for Israel to absorb the shock, admit the mistake, and release Hassan Nasrallah, a grocer from the outskirts of Baalbeck.

It took 3 years for Israel to absorb the shock, admit the hate, and unleash Avigdor Lieberman, a bigot from what is today Moldova.

From the soup nazi's old cabinet...

Eastern Mediterranean national unity consommé

(Serving size starves a country)

One lard-load of lard

Two Dozen clamshells

One whole token chick

One full dose of nepotism

Two sticks of saffron

Two tablespoons of date paste

A tinge of mastic

A squeeze of A1 steak sauce

Topped off with a swath of goatee

Wrap ingredients with exclusive newspaper cabinet roster scoops and drop in lard. Boil slowly over jet fuel. Serve when told so.

From Lebanon 2009

Stray Bullet

To get lost in Beirut is not a difficult task. The streets do not fall on any numerical or logical grid o roads and avenues that can be easily tracked. As a matter of fact street names are often an issue of subjective interpretation for your Leon Street could be Emile Edde to me and Layyoon with a thick Beiruti accent for a third person who doesn't usually sport a thick Beiruti accent. Of course there is always the infallible landmark based positioning system except that neighborhood landmarks are often invisible to visitors. Have you seen Modca cafe recently? Well, it still is very much a reference point.  Mind you here we are talking about arguably a fully developed species of humans that struggles with orientation, so it would be totally understandable if an unintelligent lifeless form of matter such as the steel that commonly makes up a bullet goes astray during the very limited time it gets to get acquainted with the city between the pull of the trigger and ripping through a bystander. 

Still stray bullets take a lot more blame than they deserve. Not all of them kill, some just maim, others just crash land in the Baba Ghannouj at the outdoor restaurants which are crowded with the record breaking  3 million tourists. Here I do not mean to insinuate that the shooters of bullets might be at fault. They never are; not in this quasi-anarchy we run over here.  What I'm trying to say is that better urban planning wouldn't hurt. 

Stray bullets are another tradition from this great nation, and frankly progress and development should incorporate tradition rather than defy it. 

Les Priorités

Three ministers took time off from their busy tourist  season schedule, after all one of these ministers promised the Lebanese 3 million visitors this summer, to address an issue that has thousands of citizens enraged n this country. The cancellation of  a French comedian's performances in Beiteddine has ruffled some elite feathers, as it should for where will this country be without the freedom of artistic expression. 

So what exactly happened, let's see. The dude was coming, so many people were enthused they added a second and then a third show... no problems there. General Security gave the OK even though it often prevents local acts from taking the stage, Visas are not an issue... Fine, then a TV reporter questions the dude's allegiances and thinks he's in bed with the Izzies.. Controversy, that's always good for business, free promotion... Dude cancels his trip.... Over 6000 activists join e-campaign against terrorisme intelectuel... 

I have to admire this stand against censorship although I'm having a hard time locating it. General Security is known to prevent shows or cut scenes from movies but that wasn't the case here and there were no threats made to the performer or the festivals. It was the  dude who cancelled his visit. On the Lebanese side, all that happened was that a reporter did not like the dude's alleged background...If the report is inaccurate then refute it but the reporter had no authority to and did not cancel the show... yet the ministers of Tourism, Press, and Culture felt that this reporter harmed Lebanon's image abroad. What will people say?!?!

Meanwhile Zeina Miri, 30 year old mother of 5, gets shot on her balcony. No facebook groups, no ministers holding hands at press conferences, and more importantly no fear for Lebanon's image. 

معضلة الخرا/ الخرى

أطلّ زياد الرحباني بعد طول غياب على الصفحة الأولى من جريدة الأخبار بمقالة عن خرا الكلاب الأرسطقراطية. و لزياد الكثير من المقلّدين على مدى مسيرته المهنية الموسيقية و النقدية. لكن غالبا ما يكون مستوى المستَزِِْيدين هابط إذ أن محاولة استنساخ اسلوب من دون أن يتمتع المستنسخ بما يطور به أو يزيد قيمة الاسلوب الاصلي ما هو إلاّ نموذج بسيط عن الرجعيّة في الفن. زياد نفسه اشتهر بتطوير أعمال غيره ببضع الكلمات أو النوتات. بالعودة إلى الموضوع الأساس، لم يمرّ ثلاث أيام على سابقة الرحباني الصحفية حتّى زايدعليه شارل أيوب المشهور بقصر صبره على عكس أيوب الأسطورة. نعت أيوب و بخط عريض على الصفحة الأولى من جريدته الديارأحد الإعلاميين بالخرى. لا تزعجني الكلمة أو استعمالها على صفحات الصحف، فأنا ضد تنقيح الواقع في الاعلام و يصعب وصف الحقيقة القذرة دون اللجوء الى كلمات بنفس الوساخة. ولم يزعجني استعمال أيوب للنعت في العنوان لأن ما تلى العنوان من كلام عنصري بذيء يجعلنا نتوق إلى الخرى كونه حتما خطوة إلى الأمام.

لكن ما استوقفني في المقالتين هو التهجية المختلفة للكلمة . أتُكتب بالألف الطويلة أم بألف مقصورة؟ تعدد الأراء من متطلبات الديمقراطية لكن لايجوز الخلاف على هجاء الهجاء، فالخرا خرى إن كان من طيز كلب أو من فم لبناني.

In defense of pigs

Schweins are getting  a bad rap.  They are double victims here. Talk about lose-lose: they either die of disease or they get slaughtered into salchichas. 

The fact that a hundred humans have died in Mexico means the world needs to urgently gather some Tylenol Flu and send it over. But stop smearing pigs. What's even worse is some religious kooks in this region, muslims and jews, gloating about being right all along about pigs. Where was this prophecy when the flu was avian?

"/"

As tempting as it is to delve into the campaign platforms with which the political palette plans to undertake the next parliamentary, I will continue to pass on the subject. No economic policy, talk, job creation, rights, services... I will stick with my earlier assertion that these upcoming elections will have a negligible effect on the political fate of this country.

Also as much fun as it would be to rate the performance of the incumbents, and whether they we need their talents around for 4 more years, I will pass. I will not review the voting record of Elie Beik Skaff on vital legislations, even though he is the only member of parliament I can name from my electoral district. Ok, I lied, there's that tall very Zahlawi-sounding Aoun dude. Well, I'm sure they deserve to be re-elected. Sure, they elected an unconstitutional president, and gave away my vote of confidence to two Siniora led cabinets. On second thought, I don't think they gave Siniora's first run a confidence vote, but they must have been so impressed with that cabinet's performance that they corrected their mistake in round 2. It doesn't matter anyways.

Now if you live in Beirut or in Metn, please do participate. Sorry, I lied again, make that if you vote in Beirut or in Metn. Not because it matters, but because you must make sure that Mohammad Amin Itani and Camille Khoury get re-elected. There is absolutely no way their public service so far warrants a lifetime retirement salary for them and their dependents. So we should make them earn these benefits by at least having them going through the motions for a full term.

I never finished reading Saramago's Seeing. I think I will. Now that was an interesting election process.

6 degrees of Myopia

1. Hezbollah is allied with the Free Patriotic Movement

2. FPM counts Gebran Bassil as a senior member

3. Gebran Bassil is the minister of telecom in Lebanon's schizophrenic national unity government

4. The ministry of telecom awarded a mobile network operation contract to Egyptian Orascom

5. Orascom is majority owned by Naguib Sawiris

6. Naguib Sawiris, through Orascom, is the biggest investor from an Arab country in Israel

P.S. This deal was signed by the "pro-resistance axis" during the Israeli massacres in Gaza.


UPDATE (Feb 15th Orascom Statement: ORASCOM goes with the "we did, but no longer do" defense. While Sawiris opts for "I had a Palestinian friend once" argument.)

Return of the Savages-day 3

Israel continues to bomb blindly further proving that having the latest murder technology is not enough to cover for military incompetence. A university campus, mosques, and a TV station were the latest targets. Palestinians will continue to learn, pray, and that station continues to broadcast. So the Israeli armed gangs continue to reap death and destruction, but zero military gains. The longer Palestinians in Gaza hold on and they will persevere, the more the incompetence of Israeli military is exposed. 

There is no question Israel under the wise leadership of Olmert, Livni and Barak will come out of this round having lost on many fronts. Militarily it can only kill indiscriminately Its insatiable blood thirst is being beamed live into homes around the globe further exposing its barbaric nature. Meanwhile politically, they risk losing historic gains they've made with their Arab allies. No doubt Israel's cooperation with the two Abdallahs, Hashem and Saud, will continue in a not so covert manner. However, the longer these massacres continue the more trouble the Arab dictators will have in openly push naturalization efforts. In 2006, we saw how Mubarak, the Sauds, and the Hashems panicked after Israel failed to finish off Hezbollah. They scurried with their damage control efforts by trying to outbid others in the process of erasing the traces of the crime they took part in.  No doubt they will do the same in Gaza. 

As  for Israel's Palestinian collaborators, the war on Gaza should be the end of an already frail Abou Mazen. The charade called Annapolis has reached an unceremonious end, and the Israelis will have trouble finding another Palestinian "peace partner", willing to risk as much as Abbas. 

The number of deaths has reached 310 in 48 hours...1400 injured...

Israel is no more

Today Israel's heavily armed gang did what it does best...Killing for the sake of killing... Although Israel has since its conception been morally bankrupt today's massacre proves more and more that they are military bankrupt too. The 2006 defeat on the edges of Maroun El Ras and Bint Jbeil was the beginning of the end.

Israel can pump all the American tax money available into that war machine, but when it starts a campaign by wiping out sitting targets like the police stations they targeted today just for the sake of killing as many bearded men as possible; that is a sign of bankruptcy. Militarily it gained nothing, strategically it lost the war. If all a 60 year extensive military program is capable of are sophomoric war crimes, then it is not facing an "exsistential threat"...it just does not deserve to exsist.

Go ahead Israel pump out more hate, but the more hate you throw out the more hated you get... and you can't handle being hated. Your image is crumbling faster than the falafel recipe you need to steal to keep up your farce, and your whole exsistence is about that mirage of an image you try to paint with blood.. The mirage of an army for what is nothing but a mass murderer... the mirage of victimization that is nothing other than a hijack attempt of the real suffering suffered by your coreligionists... the farce of democracy for what is ugly apratheid... the mirage of citzenry for colonizers rampaging through poperty of others...the mirage of an economy that is only kept afloat by subsidies courtesy stolen from people who don't where and how their taxes are spent...

The mirage of a state for what history books will only remember as a most savage example of organized crime.

بحبك يا لبنان

The driver of this BMW I saw today clearly loves this country. He has dressed the 4 headrests in his car in red, white, and cedar. He also has Pierre Gemmayel's legacy, the "Love Lebanon? Love its products" bumper sticker, adorning his rear fender. He's so patriotic he might know the second , heck even the third verse of the Lebanese national anthem.  

Nothing however says "I love Lebanon" more than him throwing his empty Marlboro flip top pack out his car window.  

from the campaign trail

Thirty some odd years ago, the war in Lebanon was between the arms that were a guarantee for the safety and defense of the Christian minority in the Middle East and those weapons that were slated to liberate Palestine.  The funny thing today is the argument you hear that a certain arsenal in Lebanon serves as a protection and a guarantee for the minorities in the Middle East including Lebanon's Christian minority; while some are convinced this same weaponry will pave the way back to Jerusalem. 

Rockn't the vote

In this period between the olympics and the world cup, plenty of spectacles try to fill the void. It seems elections are en vogue this season. All the cool kids are doing it. There's the great U.S. of A. with its bipartisan bout. On the other hand, we have Iran with its bipolar act. Down south they are playing hot potato as no one wants to be the next Olmert. Then there's our show which some believe to be as significant as the previous three combined as all these three nations and multiple other states are involved directly in the electoral process in Zgharta el Zawya and others of the thousands of major metropolitan areas in Lebanon.  

Since the campaign is in full swing it's time to start evaluating the candidates and filtering the m down to those worthy of our vote. After all a vote is not something to be taken lightly, you are ceding power over your interests to someone who should be trustworthy and who would choose your interests above all other considerations. There are also the so called principles that you might stand for or against and they should be reflected in your choice. I for one am against. It's actually the easy out to be ever-opposing without presenting a viable alternative. You never have to defend your position while always pointing out imperfections in a perfectly imperfect world. Well that is the actual job of a citizen; to boss politicians around pushing for an ever-eluding perfection. It seems easy but we always fuck it up.

 

In any case, I'm against the elections. I don't think I need to back that up with any solid reasons, because that might actually set a dangerous precedent in a country that is not very tolerant of reason... among other things. So instead, I'll just back up my opposition to the election with a hunch or a gut feeling. You can't argue with a gut; it might let its feelings out and it wouldn't be very pleasant. 

I just don't think these elections matter. Not that other elections matter much. Regardless of my strong opposition to that election law that is gerrymandered specifically to shatter a fragilely glued country. It is not about an election law or a political platform. Elections in Lebanon are just for show. A spectacle of long hours of TV programming  to create a diversion from the real politics taking place. Ultimately, they do not matter at all. There are doubts the elections take place, and I certainly hope they don't so this charade isn't gratuitously extended for 4 more years. Now if they do take place, they are likely to be the last or one of the last in this current establishment.   You have to foresee this if you hope to have a political role in this country's future. Those fighting for a seat here or there won't. 

O Canada!

The mighty Zohans have foiled 5 kidnapping attempts of Izzies by Hezbollah in different parts of the world. Now I don't know if these claims have passed the snopes.com test, but I'll play along. So here we have the same intelligence apparatus that failed to sniff what goes on under its nose in Maroun El Ras going 5 for 5 in pulling needles out of haystacks around the globe; thus out-omnipresenting  the party of God...  Good job Mossad, you're so impressive  you obviously don't need to make these annoying dinnertime telemarketing calls offering me $10 million for information about Ron Arad. So stop them.

Back to these latest achievements. One of these cases was in Toronto. So a Hezbollah operative was going to kidnap an Israeli over there and face one of 2 scenarios. Either drug him and and hide him on a transatlantic flight, entertain him for a long layover at Schiphol, then smuggle him agin onto a flight to Beirut where they can hide him in one of their secure bunkers. That's just very unlikely, and too risky. So the second  scenario is more likely. Hezbollah would keep the hostages in Toronto.. in their complex bunker and tunnel system under Toronto's southern suburbs where they hide an arsenal of thousands of missiles that can reach Detroit, beyond Detroit, and beyond what's beyond Detroit. Yep that's the one.

A man of principle

Hussein el-Husseini just resigned from that mockery of a parliament they run down in Solidere. 

His reason: it is unfair, preposterous, lewd, lascivious, and outrageous that after 2 years of getting paid for doing nothing, he actually has to show up for work now.

Submit to Webster's

Metrosalafi (n, adj): a young, cool, suave, well off, Armani-dressed, well-trimmed, intolerant, Islamist, takfiri, and occasionally pious party animal; mostly spotted in multi-million dollar mansions  in Beirut, Mediterranean isles, and on the Saudi Riviera. A Metrosalafi is often involved in politics, philanthropy, propaganda, business dealings, feudalism, funding of militants and scholars, and promoting interfaith dialogue.

The land of innocence

So the barge owner on which over a thousand egyptians died was declared innocent by the court; it is not that he purposely pulled a drill out of his tool box and poked holes in the vessel. Accidents happen. Sure the decision was put on hold,  but who are we kidding, he is a card holding member of the ruling party.  

In Lebanon, nearly a thousand people die every year in car accidents. It's not that the roads are unsafe, or the cars aren't street legal. It is not because traffic cops don't even know the rules much less enforce them. Accidents just happen, and people die. Lebanon's roads proved unsafe for Generation 4 Merkavas, yet teenagers popping wheelies on  their home-made scooters are common sights on busy highways. It's all innocent fun, and accidents just happen. Just like the tens that have been accidentally shot and killed throughout the country the past couple of... millennia?

But I am curious to know one thing though. I wonder if YASA keeps these stats. Does the rate of fatality drop when  a car is protected by some type of religious iconography? If so, which icon is the most protective?

It must be tourist season

These days I get an average of 2 address inquiries every time I walk down the street. It does not even matter what time of day or night it is, lost souls are all over the place. I assume everyone gets these questions, because either that or I'm someone who looks like he nows where he stands. 

During tourist season, even cab drivers stray from their routes into unfamiliar and what is perceived as hostile grounds.  You can tell a cab driver is outside of his comfort zone when they are not their usual aggressive and rude selves.  "Pardon, Monsieur, where can I find le Roi de frites?" "Sorry, What?  you lost me at Pardon Monsieur..." "Lik Wayn Malik El Batata." " Much better, down the street you'll see it on your right."

Some other people you expect to be lost; like the Saudi license plate in front of Starbucks Hamra asking how to get to Starbucks Jounieh. Or the family of blondes asking for "Rue Hamra" on Rue Hamra. "But it looks nothing like the Champs Elysees." "Well.. Nostalgic ex-pats tend to slightly exaggerate the virtues of the homeland, but personally I like it better than the Parisian Avenue, No stupid Arch of Triumph, even though we claim more triumphs in a week than the French army has in its history. More importantly , no Golden Arches." "Whaat, no McD's???!"  "No  but there's le Roi de Frites."

P.S. This blog in no way, shape or form endorses Malik el Batata as a lunch option. It's solely to be used as a landmark for directions and a campaign stop for candidates who need a photo op with a "regular citizen" before an election.