From Lebanon 25

The Vendeuse

Chic and not so chic boutiques from Achrafiyeh to Hamra up to Zahleh are home to this breed of women. They start as hopeful young girls that get into it for the discounted clothes and as a stepping stone to better things (i.e. marriage); but just like degenerate gamblers who think they have figured out a way to beat the house they got sucked into the system that doesn't let anyone out alive.

Vendeuse by accepting the job will sign up for decades of boredom, gossip magazines, and acetone. Cigarettes kick in in their second decade at the shop, hard liquor caps the tenure process in decade number 3. And while one day down the road she might actually find the flamboyant transvestite that will find the pistachio colored dress that has adorned the window since Jacky O's wedding fabulous; the prospects of her leaving the shop to the altar are much slimmer.

As a public service to all youngsters who might fall in this trap, if you see this innocent looking but loaded A4 paper or any of its variaties anywhere, run for your life for it is nothing more than a chic way of saying dead end.

The Vendeuse, the yang to the Natour's ying, is yet another traditional fixture in the Lebanese society.

Too True

In a country where there is a constant battle of what is and isn’t true, and who is true and who is truly an inconvenience. Yesterday was a full display of the true nastiness of our society. Lebanese raceo-sectarianism reached unprecedented lows; which says much considering this country was a stage for a fifteen year bloody sectarian war.


It wasn't just Amin Gemayyel who in keeping up with family tradition found a new group of people to direct his hate at. When your hate mongering towards Syrians, Palestinians, Arabs, Muslims, Sunnis, Shia runs out of steam; a new channel must be created. Also, why let the people of the southern suburbs bear all the brunt of condescending speech, let the intruders of the northern suburbs share the load. So take "them" out, and Gemayyel is victorious in the Metn Mountains where the true Christians reside. Sadly, many of the electoral reform scenarios circulated would encourage the Gemayyel school of thought.


All other major political forces were Gemayyel-esque on Sunday. Future was proud that the political representaion of the capital of this great nation has been reduced to 20,000 Sunnis and change; No intruders here so that's a sweet victory. Hezbollah bragged that the "Shia" were victorious by boycotting the vote. As a friend of mine would say: "Gold star for the Sunnis and Gold star for the Shia."


Are you wondering why the election results in Metn were almost 50-50? Well, that's because you couldn't tell the difference between the FPM campaign and the Kataeb campaign. "Reform" and "Change" got 2 thirds of Metni votes; but someone advised Aoun that he needs to prove his Christianity. Victory was his as he out-Gemayyeled a Gemayyel, but now he must decide whether he wants to go back to running for President of Lebanon or to shoot for the Second Coming.



Let's not forget Victorious Jumblatt, since his Druze electorate was spared by the fate of Martyr Ghazi Kenaan's gerrymandering this ugly Sunday's pissing match.



You try to escape this nastiness for some patriotic athletic diversion only to see 7 footers sinking half court shots for "them"; while "our" guys have uncontested layups rim out.



A day to forget for Lebanon.... Now that is something we truly excel at.

For The Record

I have been to Damascus 5 times in my life. Once as a child and I do not recall meeting any Syrian officials. Twice as a young teen to renew my foreign passport and to travel through Damascus' airport because we had no access to the embassy in Lebanon and the Beirut International Airport at the time.

As an adult my flight from Beirut to Amsterdam landed in Damascus for a few minutes in 1999. I did not leave the plane. Finally, in winter of 2006 I spent a weekend as a tourist (fully equipped with a camera around my neck, short shorts, and high dark socks) at the infamous Sheraton which hosted thousands of visiting political pilgrims that frequented Damascus for their blessings. This was the closest I got to meeting with the Assads.

Just wanted to come clean in case I ever run for a Metni office.

The Metn Book

An election is the process through which the people hire a parliamentary representative to work for them. It is imperative in any hiring process to thoroughly evaluate the candidates for the job. A one on one interview with the candidates would be ideal. Some might argue that it would be exhausting for the candidates to answer to thousands of citizens, but isn’t that the job description of the Member of Parliament? Anyways, in a more practical world a town hall meeting style debate should be the minimum required interaction between the candidates and the decision makers, but even that is absent in our democracy since that might be considered a form of accountability which is officially a sin in all 18 religions of Lebanon. This leaves the people only one way of judging the candidates which is by looking at their curricula vitae.

The 2 finalists for the Metn job are in order: Kamil Mansour Khouri M.D. and H.E. Sheikh Amin Sheikh Pierre Gemayyel.

Kamil Mansour Khouri M.D. has a relatively poor CV. He did some time for insulting his sister which will definitely hurt him among the family oriented voters. However his very limited experience does show signs of progress in his career as he was promoted from Prison to Med school. His medical background makes him relatable to the people as more than half the voters in Lebanon are Medical doctors. Kamil Khouri is definitely a candidate with potential. His successful transition from a jailbird to Doctor means he shouldn’t have many difficulties finding a real career eventually.

H.E. Sheikh Amin Sheikh Pierre Gemayyel’s CV dwarfs that of his rival. The Khouri family could be the largest Lebanese family, but the Gemayyels aren’t about quantity but rather quality. H.E. Sheikh Amin is a thoroughbred of unmatched pedigree. He hails from a stud that founded what would become Lebanon’s biggest party for decadess and his sibling was even more successful in a career cut short by his assassination. H.E. Sheikh Amin wasn’t content with what he inherited so he hurried to reform the Kataeb. He managed to clean up the party from the war criminals that hid under its umbrella. He also got rid of the corrupt bureaucrats and then most of its national following. The downsizing allowed the Kataeb to confine all its activities to a couple of streets in Bikfayya thus saving greatly on communication and transportation. A few top quality men. His revolutionary reform was also strongly present in his job as President of the Republic between 1982 and 1988. Lebanon today would be facing the same problems as China and India had it not been for the population growth control measures during Gemayyel’s tenure. H.E. Sheikh Amin has always been ahead of his time. Just wait and see how the Hair will eventually become the styling industry’s hottest look. In 1988, H.E. Sheikh Amin became the last President in the History of Lebanon to respect the constitutional limit on his term. Lebanon then struggled to fill the void left by his departure that it had to depend on 2 local governments and 2 foreign occupations to keep the vast reaches of the nation connected.

A man of this caliber settling for a job as a mere parliamentarian is a once in a lifetime steal, but Gemayyel is no stranger to unorthodox bargains. His unique concept of value made him well liked upon weapons manufacturers. Why pay full price for new helicopters when you can pay the same price for scrap parts?

I think it is clear who I would want to hire, not that it is any of my business. I don’t vote in Metn, I vote for Elie Beik Joseph Beik Skaff. As for Beirut, can someone tell me why Antoine Hamra has some books priced in Sterling Pounds?

July 12

The war did not start on July 12, 2006. I have memories of war stashed away right next to the memory of my first electronic Spelling game that my parents got me to accelerate my learning of the alphabet in the pre-kindergarten years of the pre-Atari era. The war started in the year 12 b.h.n. (before Hassan Nasrallah) and it hasn’t ended yet. The July, Lebanon’s Second, or Sixth labels are just chapter titles to distinguish the 33 days of open military warfare as opposed to the covert military ops that preceded and continued after that period.

The problem is that Israel in its current version is not compatible with peace. Maybe version 2.0 will have that option programmed into it but until then it’ll be war. I will not start a dissertation on the topic of Israeli society being built by war for war. I don’t have the time or energy for the debate, but it is safe to say that 60 years of trying to force peace have been fruitless; except for a paper peace with an oppressive dictator here and a tea party there. Are the Arabs still begging for their peace initiative to be accepted? Well paper peace has accomplished the conditional release of 4 Jordanian captives, even if it was 12 years after said peace deal, and only so that Hamas and Hezbollah don’t get credit for their release but who’s counting.

The media is going crazy with the “anniversary” so I won’t bore you with more talk about it, but I will state that I have no problem with Lisa Goldman’s report for Israeli TV from Beirut. I shared a few minutes with Lisa last year on a TV debate during the war. Well it wasn’t much of a debate since we agreed on most points since she seemed to be part of that peaceful Israel 2.0 beta. She’s a journalist not an enemy combatant. Of course being a journalist did not vouch for Imad Ghanem who was used by the Israeli army for target practice as he laid on the ground pleading for help (Google for video of this incident). Anyhow spies and collaborators roaming the cities and mountains of the nation are a dime a dozen; a journalist roaming the pubs of Beirut (and she's Canadian to boot) and reporting that Hezbollah googles names a la potential daters is the last of my worries.

Back to the internal Lebanese political scene… well that’s if we can assume Paris is in Lebanon and that a gathering between Mahmoud Berri and Mirna El Murr constitutes a political scene. I am skeptical about any positive outcome coming of the Parisian Dhahieh as I do not see anyone stepping up to fill the void in the leadership of the round table with the absence of Elie Skaff. Although with Ahmad Fatfat out of town the army should be able to finish off what’s left of Fateh El Islam in Naher el Bared. I’m joking of course as there is no evidence of any recent involvement of Fatfat in Fateh El Islam’s activities.

Finally, Ahmad El Assaad launched the Lebanese Option Gathering as a Third option for Shiites in Lebanon. I won’t go into the sectarian aspect of this move as El Assaad is clearly nostalgic to his family’s Dynasty years. Some see that the problems in Lebanon are due to the lack of Shiite or Sunni or Maronite parties; and third, fourth, or seventeenth options would help. Fine, but El Assaad himself already heads at least one other political party: the Kafa’at party. So what does L.O.G. have that Kafa’at didn’t? See only a short sighted simpleton would ask that, El Assaad actually discovered a genial way of making up for the lack of popular support. The next time the sons of Kamel El Assaad and Sabri Hamadeh meet the headline would read “Heads of 37 Parties Gather at the Commodore in Support of Mufti Ali El Amin”, it sure beats “2 Loser Sons of Former feudal lords drown their sorrows at Hotel bar.”

Extra, Extra

In a roundup of Beirut dailies we find these curious news items.

First of all, a look at the crime blotter shows that the tally of homicide victims falls short to suicide deaths for the first 6 months of 2007 (51 to 57). So for the paranoid amongst readers, now you have factual evidence that shows you that constantly looking over your shoulder just doesn’t cut it anymore.

The major headline in the sports page of one daily states that 13 Christians and only 2 Muslims make up the board of the Volleyball federation. Of course the news here is not that the Muftis will cry about the Christianization of sports but the fact that there are people that still play Volleyball!! Why isn’t there a Hide and Seek federation? It certainly is more deserving than Volleyball.

Speaking of hiding, the President of the Republic is still successfully guarding his top secret solution to the crisis. Unnamed high ranking sources say it involves red Speedos, Maryam Nour, and seven spices.

Finally, his feudal lordship Elie Beik Skaff suspects arsonists are behind the fire that destroyed his wheat harvest in Ammeeq. Good luck finding the perpetrators. Now if the fire was at the nearby Kefraya which happens to belong to another feudal land owner; the case would’ve been added to the other terrorist attacks and Serge Brammertz would’ve been on it. Maybe that’s why he is flirting with a camp switch.

Race to the Top

You won’t find this advertised in the Lebanese ministry of tourism brochures, but next to the usual attractions of nature, history, and the joie de vivre that only armed militants can possess; Lebanon enjoys rich reserves of deeply entrenched racism. Sadly, the excesses we enjoy cannot be exported in exchange of any material returns to ease the country’s trade deficit. While Lebanese racism is at its best when directed internally towards the “other” less gifted Lebanese factions (that is even constitutionally recognized as it states clearly in article 5 that you are only a first class citizen if you are a male conceived from a Lebanese sperm that belongs to one of the top 3 religious groups represented in Taef), I will just count down the top 5 foreign groups that suffer from racist discrimination in Lebanon.

5. Arab gulfies: Any Lebanese no matter what he or she has or has not accomplished in life thinks he or she can con a rich Arab. According to local logic, the superior Lebanese cab driver can trick the top Kuwaiti brain surgeon based on the latter not wearing Jeans.

4. Eastern European Women: While their western counterparts get treated as goddesses as they are the only race superior to the Phoenicians (plus holy matrimony with them leads to a kickass passport), the Eastern European Women can only possibly be in Lebanon on an entertainer’s visa which translates to belittling treatment from a dude who weighs onions for a living.

3. Syrians: the Macho Lebanese who idolized and worshipped the Syrian Mukhabarat goons, and didn’t dare look up when shining Syrian officers’ flip flops in pre-revolutionary times now try to earn their anti-Syrian stripes by abusing poor Syrian workers. In a way, this thuggish behavior displayed by officials and common folk alike makes the workers feel at home. From daily Sahsouh-packed interrogations, to random detentions when the authorities need terrorist suspects and home burning should be enough to make them the most discriminated group; but they aren’t seasoned enough to compete with the top groups.

2. “Sri Lankans”: Of course a Sri Lankan is anyone who hails from the domestic worker empire the stretches from east Africa to the Asian pacific region. You can purchase a Sri Lankan or more at any slave trader near you. As long as you keep them (the traders) happy you can do anything you want with your purchase and no one will stop you. Lock them up in a burning apartment, hang them as adornment off your balcony, let your teenage boy get his rape techniques down before he joins the local neighborhood militia; it is really up to you and your imagination. Laws don’t apply as their own embassies have approved the trade and will turn a blind eye.

1. Palestinians: All of a sudden, I have nothing to say. It must be the damn Palestinians’ fault, kill them all!

No Way Out

First of all I recommend that you read the proclamation issued by the leader of the land of the free. The first line has striking resemblance to ottoman era faramans but as you read further you realize that the language used is from a way earlier era in history of empires. Now it’s his house and by the powers vested in him by section 212(f) of the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1952, 8 U.S.C. 1182(f), and section 301 of title 3, United States Code, he is free to stick an unwelcome mat at his doorstep in face of whomever he feels vested to keep out, but (and I’m sure you knew a but was coming) “any private person who deliberately contributes to breakdown in the rule of law in Lebanon” would technically include anyone who double parks. It doesn’t stop there, “The spouses and dependent children of persons “ who double park on the streets of Tarzebna, for example, can also be refused entrance to George Bush’s USA. Also if you are applying for a US visa make sure you don’t derive financial benefit from any actions that could undermine the legitimate government, so don’t get bribed if you are working for the government, focus on the other half of your job: Solitaire. Also if you’re in the glass business for example make sure you don’t get involved in the cleaning up and fixing of shattered store fronts because thou shalt be proclaimed persona non grata in Wyoming for your actions.


NOW, THEREFORE, I, Jamal G. Propaganda, In witness whereof, hereunto set my hand this steamy Saturday, in the year of our Lord two thousand and seven, and the influence of ice cold Almaza pure malt of Lebanon the second.


And I shall move on to more important issues than Wiam Wahhab’s vacation spots.… I have a

question to the political players in Lebanon: all of them, pro government anti government and confused, sectarian and pretend secularists, the extreme right and the opposing extreme …. right. What is the way out of this downwards spiral? The thundering unified answer is Gate G at Beirut International Airport.




There’s really no sugar coating it. The situation is bad which means you can get a table at any restaurant without any prior reservations, even on a Saturday night in the middle of summer. No “exiled” yuppies are home from the gulf showing off their high salaries with their fancy rental cars. Don’t worry about your elbow space diminishing anytime soon; you shall have it for a while since nothing will be resolved.

Ever.

A Step Back

Maybe just maybe it's about time everyone took a step back and re-evaluted where they stand. I, for one, do it constantly. I'm rarely wrong, but sometimes I miss something since I only have one good eye so that limits my peripheral vision and depth perception. Maybe that handicap forces me to think about things I see that I wouldn't otherwise had I had two eyes confirming the same view. Someone, not sure who and I don't feel like googling it now, said, "Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see." In my case make it quarter of what I see.

The problem is that I need to know. I read a lot, I talk to people, I observe , I ask, and at the end it turns out that some third generation Lebanese dude/dudette in Wyoming who happens to own an uncracked copy of Gibran's Prophet (and also might happen to blog about Lebanon) knows all the beyond the shadow of doubt truths about what's going on here and I don't. I envy them and cab drivers, the two sides of the infallible knowledge coin.

Then again, this region brought to you Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. So people have been having blind faith (or is faith intrinsically blind) in what they've been told by their chosen men for thousands of years, don't expect that to change this summer. So just hunker down, and beware the "others".

Army Post

For the 24 th consecutive day, the Lebanese army has secured and completely controled the Samed and Cooperative positions of Abu Jureij's Pro-Syrian Pro-Hariri UnPalestinian terrorist gang phenomenon group thing. I'm a bit confused since by my understanding of the term "complete control" you do not to assert it everyday three times a day after meals. But what do I know, I'm no military expert. The closest I came to becoming a soldier was when I was refused boarding a plane once because according to Lebanon's official government records; one of my sisters was actually my brother, thus unexempting me from service.

Don't get me wrong, I am pro-Army. I am Pro-Martial law. Especially since the alternative seems to be Militia and feudal law. After a rusty start to their assertion of power campaign, the army has started getting it right. Monday night, 2 men were arrested alive after lobbing a hand grenade at an army checkpoint. That's a long way from the trigger happiness of a couple of weeks ago when an unarmed pregnant woman was shot dead in Badaro, and 3 unarmed men and 2 civillian aircrafts were gunned down near the airport. Definitely satisfactory progress is being displayed when it comes to shooting disicpline and aim.

I'm not the only one seeing this record improvement in performance by the army. Some people whose politics differ slightly from mine have expressed newfound trust in the army. On January 23rd, 2007 at 8:00 am, that would be in the early morning, a Samir Geagea declared that the army is incapable of maintaining order, and issued a fatwa to his followers to take things into their own bats. Now fast forward 5 months to May 21st of the same 2007 and you'll see that the same army that he didn't think was capable of moving a few Orange clad geeks off the street, was now in his eyes capable of controlling Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia.

An Explosion at Sporting beach club just shook this building... back in a bit.

What's Next?

Of course there is no uniform answer to this question in Lebanon, so we will answer this according to each of the various Lebanese factions.

For Future Movement the future is always clear. After evacuating the Saudi brothers from Nahr El Bared the priority will again become the establishment of an International Tribunal. But you may I thought it was a done deal and under Chapter 7 no less. Well, with millions of people wanting to cover for the killers it never is a done deal, so they will milk this for another 2 to 3 years.

Hezbollah will continue to do nothing under the title of Avoiding Civil Strife. Plus their strategy of being patient and waiting usually pays off since its foes always find a way to shoot themselves in the foot.

The Free Patriotic Movement needs to go back to their calls for Accountability. These calls are always met with Public support. But instead they'll continue to throw the best fundraiser ideas and still fall short on the funding of OTV. Don't forget that after Chocolate and Vanilla, Orange is the most favorite flavor.

Amal. Just Kidding.

The Lebanese Forces will elect Amin Gemayyel President then predict that the Syrians are going to kill him. A week later, the Syrians oblige paving the way for the election of Doctor Samir Geagea as the March 14th president.

Walid Jumblatt will move to Patagonia and buy a coca farm. Wiam Wahhab follows him promptly and buys a coca shrub.

The SSNP and the Lebanese Communist Party will continue collecting diapers for the displaced.

As for the government, well we will have 2 of them. Competition is good in free market economies. A couple of years ago we lived for a few months without a government. For the past 7 months we've had 0.7 of a government, so unorthodox governance is our thing. Eventually we'll get it right. I'm just looking forward to find out how Lahoud plans to counter Nayla Mouawwad in his government. I'd go with Maryam Nour.

Now the Lebanese people will still insist that their tabbouleh, ski resorts, and topless beach are evidence that they are fun loving peaceniks. It's the violent others who are full of hate and have been bringing their battles here for the past 5000 years.

A Hysteric Day

Just what we need in Lebanon, yet another date to commemorate. Now we will have to wait anxiously to see if the vote comes in before midnight Beirut time, to see which new label will be now used to piss off the March 14th crowd. If you thought February 14th got on their nerves wait until you see them called the May 30th/31st forces.

But it is a historic date indeed. This dawn a visitor from McLean, Virginia became the 100,000th visitor to this blog since January 13th 2006. To celebrate this fact I have 2 choices of concerts to attend. I can either stay home and listen to "Beirut 3am Tebki" playing on passing cars' super sub woofed stereos over and over and over and over again, or go check out Ziad Rahbani's new show. Why do they always schedule 2 can't miss events on the same night?

People are even passing out Baklawa in the streets. They shouldn't considering that I started blogging before January 13th, so the 100,000 figure isn't really accurate, which means this date isn't really significant at all. Still, this scene reminds me of the last time people were naively passing out Baklawa in the streets not knowing what the heck was coming their way. If memory serves me right, that day was a summer day back in the year ... 2006.

Blame Qatara

Let's See, Geroge Bush wanted to Bomb Al Jazeera. Jordan censored interviews conducted by Al Jazeera. Iran banned Al Jazeera because they criticized the Sistani dude. Egypt and Israel have jailed Al Jazeera reporters. Saudi Arabia is in an all out media war with Qatar. Locally, Jumbo man accused Al Jazeera of being alibis in Lebanon's terrorist attacks. Others attack Qatar and Al Jazeera for being Israel friendly. Al Jazeera reporters have been killed by occupiers/liberators and by insurgents/liberators/terrorists/jihadists in Iraq. They've been jailed in Spain and Guantanamo....


If they are pissing off so many people, they must be doing something right.

Breaking News

Presidential Candidate Carlos Eddeh will indulge us with his oh so cute wisdom over the next 2 hours on LBC TV.

Where are Abou El Abed and Abou Steif?

Part of the noise factor and the dangerous speculation battles taking place is the anonymization of the perpetrators of crime. So while Abou Hurayra, Abou Yazan, Abou Jandal, Abou Adass and Sejaan Saadeh are neck deep in accusations or dead; the people with faces who actually answer to registered triple names and might be involved in this mess remain unscathed and even run for office.

Anonymous masked scapegoats are beautiful propaganda tools. Abou Burghol could be blamed for all of Lebanon's ills and simultaneously be Syrian, Saudi, Iranian, Muslim, a blue eyed infidel Ohioan and everything in between . Spin away.

In other anonymous crimes news we have Ashrafiyeh at 30 Kg, Verdun at 25 Kg, and Aley weighing in at a mere 15 Kg. Let's not forget Ain Alaq at 2 x 5 Kg, and 2 years ago, Bouchriyyeh 30 Kg, Brummana 20 Kg, Samir Kassir 500 grams, George Hawi 500 grams, and Rafik Hariri One Billion Kg. I'm no forensic expert, but maybe just maybe, figuring out the weight of the bomb is irrelevant to finding out the perpetrators. Where are thee Abou Horatio Caine?

Finally in sports, Nejmeh Beat Ansar 1-0 (the Minister of Sports who had been on air non stop since friday had nothing to say about the game). But don't rejoice too much Nejmeh fans, as throughout the game Future TV made sure to remind the viewers (via a Breaking News item) that while Nejmeh did actually win, M14 won the Doctor's thingie (I wonder if Doctor Geagea gets to vote?). So it's actually a tie on the day; thus we now go to sudden death.

Arguile Smoking Security

With the terror bombing campaign touring the country, extraordinary measures have been taken to ensure safety. Now there's a personal approach and perception of what safety constitutes.


On any given friday night, Lebanese youth were always faced with the above choices. Often a 50-50 choice, but these days it has skewed right. For others who refuse these two choices, staying home and away from windows to wait it out is the way to go.


Personally, the sight of bomb sniffing dogs giving an all clear made me feel at ease until I read that sniffing ain't very effective in noisy (check), dusty (check), gusty, (check), and crowded (check) areas. Damn you google.







So now I trust my arguile puffing, dozen strong, neighborhood citizen patrol that keeps vigil on this street everynight and we all know how arguiles boost sensory alertness.


Feeling safe? Now, pop the champagne and celebrate the 7th anniversary of liberation.

Happy RESISTANCE* and Liberation day.

*Capped and bolded for all the playa haters out there.

Disclaimer: 2007 pictures are mine, 2000 pictures are stolen off the internet. I think it was the BBC site.

Parallel Realities

We* are living today parallel realities; two worlds that do not meet (unless God wills it). Ironically, both realities are being fueled by the same factor: Fear. I just crossed Hamra Street without bothering to look for incoming cars, that feat would be Houdini-esque (or what's the name of that new freak on TV?) in regular days. I was expecting a delivery today and the distributor asked me if it is safe for his 4 Syrian workers to come along; otherwise I'd have to carry the half ton fridge on my own.



But I** can't dwell on that. As one of my reader pointed out in the comments section of the previous post, I** have to provide solutions. I** wish he or she was as demanding of his or her elected representatvie who gets paid to come up with and implement solutions. It is our right as citizens to criticize and demand better governance, but I** still appreciate that vote of confidence.

To find a solution we need to identify the problem or problems. In our case I'm pretty sure it's the latter. Just off the top of my head there's Syria, the Syrians in the Palestinian camps, Israel of course, the biggest killer of them all which is traffic accidents, and finally Al Jazeera.

We'll start with hateful Television that can be solved remotely by switching the channel. The Syrians in Palestinian camps are almost done. Israel was kicked out, we just need an air defense system to stop the overflights. The roads can be fixed through law enforcement by properly trainig traffic police and better maintenance of roads which could be financed through the collection of parking tickets issued to all the cars lining up the streets outside Crystal.

Which leaves us with Syria, which is our biggest problem not because they are so hard to deal with. Au Contraire, Assad's regime has proven over and over again a level of ineptitude only surpassed in Syria's little offshoot. The problem is that we are entrusting former Assad tools to take care of that problem for us. We* are living with rats to keep an elephant away.

P.S. For real solutions to real problems just trust Elie Skaff.

* مساطيل

** مسطول

Beware the Noise

A man once upon a time a long long time ago said, "العمى بقلبو اللبناني شو مسطول" and everyday in history since that day has proven the wisdom of this man.

The panic and fear engulfing the مساطيل makes them susceptible to any rumors that might answer their question "Whodunit?" Who's the big bad wolf? Off course the big bad wolf is banking on this chaos and on these rumors to feed the already pre-conceived convictions and ignite the pent up hatred.

Anyways this مسطول just wants to point out that some widely ciculated rumors, are just that rumors, and hopes that his مساطيل buddies do not adopt these propaganda lines as facts and speed up the nose dive into the shit pond that awaits us.

So here we go with some rumor control:

My general rule is the louder they bark, the more full of shit they are. I present Wiam Wahhab and Ahmad Fatfat as Exhibit A.

Let me start with 1.)the Hariri funding of Fatah Al Islam. That comes from former MI6 Alistaire Crooke who was quoted in Seymour Hersh's "Redirection" article published a few months ago. So before you run with it keep in mind that it is only ONE source.

2.) Assad threatening to burn the region from Caspian Sea to Timbuktu also comes from one source. But this time it is an unnamed diplomatic source who only spoke to An-nahar. Of course, Memri quickly picked up the story. For all of you who read مساطيل newspapers know very well, that all esteemed newspapers have unnamed sources that always come up with juicy quotes which are never corroborated. So this automatic indictment of someone following up on a threat is purely for political gains.

3.) The nutbags are not exclusively Palestinian, most of them are actually مساطيل with some nutbags from various other Middle Eastern countries.

4.) The Army was never provided with aide to prepare for fighting, all the footage show that our brave soldiers are being sent to battle without any HELMETS! How many lives could have been saved with appropriate protection of soldiers?

5.) There is no consensual support for army. Many people and I know some very moderate unreligious folks who actually sympathize with these and other nutbags.

6.) The مساطيل don't love life. A large number of people showed more outrage for the glass shattered in ABC than for the tens of soldiers and civilians dead during the day.

Feel free to add to rumor control, because the blind faith in what we are told by the various propaganda outlets is what got us here in the first place.

Rage

The Lebanese on average have a shorter fuse than other great civilizations; but put a Lebanese dude or dudette behind the wheel and the whole concept of a fuse instantaneously combusts. I witness road ragers go at it on a daily basis. Most of the time I watch amused from afar wishing I had a camera on me to capture these priceless moments; when drivers burst out of their running cars and punches are exchanged for a couple of minutes until traffic moves again and everyone rushes back to their cars and order is restored. The sudden start and abrupt end to the fight always fascinates me. Sure, the insults hurled by the drivers resonate long after they driven away, but it does end and never escalates beyond the initial round.

Yesterday was different. I saw the familiar signs of an impending fist fight developing in slow motion, but unlike any other time I rushed to the scene to seperate the raging fighters. See normally I would not want to get soaked with men's sweat and risk catching an errant disfiguring blow to the face. God knows how long the waiting list for plastic surgeons is in this country. This time though, I felt safe. The reason I felt so secure about my ability to seperate the fighters cleanly was because the two men combined over 150 years of wisdom, age, and rage. The younger one, relatively speaking, did get on my nerves though when he reached for a wrench and wanted to "really hurt" the one that could barely walk. My "Bas Ya Wled, 3ayb" did nothing, neither did the warnings about the heart failure risk they face since their excitement level was much higher than it would ever get with that blue pill. But they did start gasping for air after a minute and withdrew back into their vehicles, or maybe it was my threat to go go Chapter 7 on their asses.

In any case, I'm confident they'll eventually outgrow this aggressive stage just like I'm confident that our Lebanese politicians will eventually do what is best for the country.

درس تاريخ

نحنا بلبنان بنتباها بتاريخنا، إنّو حاضرنا ما بيخلا من إنجازات متل سوليدير ونصر إلهي و نايلة معوض، بس كل هيدا ما بيتقارن مع تاريخنا. إنّو حدا بيقلّك حرب الكلّه أو الحرف مثلاً، و هاو ما شي يعني بس نموذج عن إنجازاتنا التاريخيّة.

لذلك بتقهر كتير لمّا بتلاقي حدا لبناني أو متلبنن عم يمشي عكس التاريخ. فلازم نصحّح الوضع. المشي بعكس التاريخ مرفوض تحت الفصل السابع . صحيح بنطنّش إذا مشيت بعكس السير بس مش التاريخ. لا لا تّيؤ، شو بيقولو عنّا فخرالدين و أليسار. عيب. إنّو ما بتنبلع .و أنا مش كتير نيئة بالبلع إنّو حطلّي غمّة أو نخاعات و بزلطن زلط مش هون المشكلة.

أحد الخيارات البديلة عن المشي عكس التاريخ الدارجة هالإيّام هيّي إنو تِعكُس تاريخك. عقول المثل تاريخك مش مريح، عْكِسوا واستريح. مين رح يحاسبك ؟

هلّق إذا تاريخك ما إشبو شي، جغل يعني، عاكس تاريخك، إقرصو بطيزو و قلّو شو يا قشطة؟ أو غمزلو من بعيد لبعيد إذا بتفضّل بس إنّو المهم ما تمشي بعكسو.

الشروال الفوشيا مش ستيلََك؟ إيه نسا التاريخ من أساسو لبوس باغي جينز عنص طيزك سمّعلي نثر توباك، و عقلبي متل السكّر. آخر همّي.

ولكن مع هيدا كلّو في بعض الأشخاص بيحاولو كتير يِعِكسو و يعاكسو ويتناسو التاريخ بس لسبب أو آخر هاو الأشخاص قد ما حاولوا... كانوا ... و لا يزالو... و رح يضلّو طول حياتن عَكِس إخت التاريخ.

عسى أن يتعلّمو الدرس.