Friday, February 17, 2006

Dear Abby

Anyone who can find a solution for a quadrapalegic husband cheating on his wife with her bi-curious step brother can surely solve the Lebanese problem so here's my plea to Dear Abby:

Dear Abby,

I'm deeply in love with this parcel of land. Let's call it "Lubna N."Its Beautiful coastline is the first thing that faces you. Then you see Perky mountains, A Flat Valley, and a Voluptuous hump at its end. Well we're not sure where it ends, because the borders were drawn up by a drunk Brit(pardon the redundancy) and a frog on a wine stained napkin long before Google earth existed.
It's an unrequited love. I give give give and never see anything in return except for the feeling of having a place to call home. I have to deal with a permanent state of P.M.S. You might say I'm a masochist, but Dear Abby understand that I do get tremendous pleasure out of seeing "Lubna N." smile even if it's a half ass smile once a decade.

How can I treat "Lubna N."'s fiery hormonal imbalance? I really don't want to leave "Lubna N." again. Help me Dear Abby.

Sincerely,
Pussywhipped in a Raging Volcano


P.S. I'll keep you posted if Dear Abby replies.

P.P.S. I will have a guest Advice Expert on my blog, submit your questions to YO JIMBO here, or by email. YO JIMBO's fields of expertise are everything except cooking, but if you insist on culinary advice he'll gladly fake it.

5 comments:

Ramzi said...

Hillarious!

I think she'll reply something along the lines of "she has a borderline (no pun intended) personality and you are a hopeless romantic, a match made in hell".

Anonymous said...

totally totally loved it.

euroarabe said...

you rock! so funny! and pussywhipped in raging volcano sounds like every love affair ive ever had with a lebanese girl. (i was the volcano.)

L. Jord said...

Yo Jimbo

I'm writing because I'm in a real quandry here and I need your help.

Every since childhood, ive been betrothed to Jorda Nia. It's an arranged marriage and loveless.
we used to at least tolerate each other and maybe even have a friendship, but now its just contempt.
I really cant stand who shes become.
she's so desperate to be in the "IN" club.
Her arm pits used to smell like Zhour Al-Wadi and now she's into Diesel.
We used to pay for stuff in cash, now its American Express.
She's gone from Santa Cruz godess worshipping hothead paisan dyke to Miami lipstick lesbian in an LA minute.
She'll go all the way for anyone who flashes a little bit of green.

the truth is, ive been having an affair with the girl next door (Lubna N.) who is wild and nothing but trouble.
she is completely non-monogomous with no hope of settling down in the future.
im not jealous of the other girls or boys, i just want to be number one.
We used to have a thing going on in the 90's and i thought it was over.
i ran into her again in november (i admit *blush* i went out of my way to "bump into her") in the middle east and it was magic once again.
she had zaatar between her teeth from eating a man'ouche but all i could see was the mediterranean in her eyes.
i havent been able to put her out of my mind.
i could live and die in her arms.

Should i leave my landlocked loveless relationship and set sail through treacherous and fiery seas in the hope of reaching her elusive shore?
Is my provincial love the Excalibur to her stone cold city heart? or should i play it safe and stay?
Im scared its all been a fantasy that will disappear like vapour the minute things "get real"...she does have a wild temperament and i could risk everything and loose it all.

I need your help Jimbo.
help put the euro back in my arabe.


L. Jord

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