In Lebanon, all respectable publications look to the planets for analysis and forecasts. Since I'm hoping one day to get a whiff of respect, I will start consulting the stars and publish what they shoot me.
Virgo: Don't worry! No one knows about the hymen reconstruction you had.
Scorpio: Aquarius is playing hard to get. Don't take no for an answer. Persistance pays off.
Polio: You feel left out because Bird Flu is getting all the attention. Some jealousy is good for you.
Leo: You're too sweet compared to Kit Kat. But some people love you for what you have inside.
Cancer: You will see everything around you in fluorescent colors.
Aquarius: Scorpio will stalk you. My bad. Sorry.
Taurus: There is a Rash on Uranus. It's Hemorrhoids.
Rhombus: Today you might not feel very equilateral. Just have some Baklava.
I think I've covered them all.