Friday, March 10, 2006

YO Jimbo!

Advice Guru Jimbo was swamped with questions (One) since he offered his FREE services. Feel free to swamp him some more.

L Jord wrote:

Yo Jimbo
I'm writing because I'm in a real quandry here and I need your help.
Every since childhood, ive been betrothed to Jorda Nia. It's an arranged marriage and loveless.we used to at least tolerate each other and maybe even have a friendship, but now its just contempt.I really cant stand who shes become.she's so desperate to be in the "IN" club.

Her arm pits used to smell like Zhour Al-Wadi and now she's into Diesel. We used to pay for stuff in cash, now its American Express.She's gone from Santa Cruz goddess worshipping hothead paisan dyke to Miami lipstick lesbian in an LA minute.She'll go all the way for anyone who flashes a little bit of green.

the truth is, ive been having an affair with the girl next door (Lubna N.) who is wild and nothing but trouble.she is completely non-monogomous with no hope of settling down in the not jealous of the other girls or boys, i just want to be number one.We used to have a thing going on in the 90's and i thought it was over.i ran into her again in november (i admit *blush* i went out of my way to "bump into her") in the middle east and it was magic once again.she had zaatar between her teeth from eating a man'ouche but all i could see was the mediterranean in her eyes.i havent been able to put her out of my mind.i could live and die in her arms.

Should i leave my landlocked loveless relationship and set sail through treacherous and fiery seas in the hope of reaching her elusive shore?Is my provincial love the Excalibur to her stone cold city heart? or should i play it safe and stay?Im scared its all been a fantasy that will disappear like vapour the minute things "get real"...she does have a wild temperament and i could risk everything and loose it all.

I need your help Jimbo.
help put the euro back in my arabe.

JIMBO's Reply:

YO L. Jord

Thanks for your letter,

You have quite a dilemma. I see that a GAP-dressed Starbucks-sipping sugar momma has robbed Jorda Nia of her innocence. The bright lights of fame, and the promises of a care free life can lead a confused young dreamer astray. Fear not for her though as this experience will help her mature, as this conniving bitch she's been fooling around with is quite savvy and experienced. Jorda Nia should learn a trick or two that will wow you in your next encounter, that is assuming she's not a retard which is a quite common condition in the region.

As for your affair, you are probably attracted to Lubna N.'s schizophrenia. Being with a schizophrenic gives you the joy of an orgy without the jealousy factor. She's been slacking on her medication though, and currently her multiple personalities are attracted to a couple of bad apples: Jorda Nia's same sugar momma (told you she was a slut) and a badass loud mouthed distant cousin, Percy A. Those two lovers don't exactly see eye to eye and might start some scratching and hair pulling soon.

So before you dive back into Lubna's lap, make sure she's back to her regular pill popping that takes her to her own special world away from these odious influences.



Lazarus said...

lol. just made my day.

Dr Victorino de la Vega said...

I’ve always said that Jamie G was Mount Lebanon’s favorite Melchite Maoist Maverick poet…
And just like capitalist Claret wine, Jamie ages well: the 2006 vintage seems to be very promising indeed!

Squibby said...

Kurosawa would be proud.