Thursday, March 30, 2006

Boys will be Boys

The shouting matches amongst the boys seem to have reached unchartered levels of absurdity.

Can someone remind me what are they fighting over?

And Who stands where on what?

And Why is a young Lebanese business person who adores his country, thinking about living either in Weast Africa or in Dubai?

And Why is there an accident every single day on this intersection?

And How did LBC not choose multi-untalented Tony Khalife to host the arabic adaptation of Deal or No Deal?

And when will the European channels copy a Lebanese show for a change?

And how many civil war themed Lebanese movies can Carmen Lebboss star in?

And who ended up with the Longest Oooff on El awwal 3al LBC?

And Ooooff.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Arab Summit

The Arab Summit, that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one. Arab and summit should never be used in the same sentence. Summit of what?
Let's tour the region, shall we?

Sudan hosted this event, unfortunately out of billions of rocks floating in space, not a single one happened to cross paths with Khartoum yesterday. How many families died in Darfur today?

Egypt is a democratic ally of the U.S. so everything is rosy as can be there.

Libya. I sent a Telex to inquire about Libya, I should get something back before the end of Qaddafi's term.

Algeria has known wacko "religious" killers long before Bin Laden's niece posed nude in Rolling Stone. They still are very well acquainted with them.

Tunisia has made the World Cup again. They are doing better than their neighbors, so we'll overlook their dictatorship.

On to Morocco, have you heard of the Sahrawis? Shhhh, they don't exist.

Mauritania, Ok, I'm not gonna pretend I know anything about it, but I have a hunch Mauritania is not what pushes the arab world over the top.

Yemen. Yeah right!

Kuwait. Again in much better shape than it's neighbors, so we'll skip it. Dear Kuwaiti government, if you want to $upport free $peech please hit the contact me link in my profile. Thank you.

UAE. Enjoy your wild college years because you're going to be paying for them for the rest of your life.

Saudi Arabia. Dr. Vic in 3 .... 2 .... 1 ....

Gaza Stripped. Freedom reigns. What more can you ask for?

Jordan has learned a few mukhabarati tricks from its northern neighbor, racist tricks from its western neighbor, and some wacko religious tricks from its southeastern neighbor. Trick or treat.

Syria went from a strong criminal dictator to a nincompoop criminal dictator, definitely not heading in the right direction.

Lebanon. Did you see our prez and prime minister go at it in Khartoum? We'll dub this round: Who da Man in Sudan.

Iraq. Ahhh, the only bright spot in the Arab world.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Arabic Poetry

I don't have much time, but I feel a strong need to share this magnificent poem with those who haven't had the privilege to hear it. It left me stunned, searching for thoughts, and re-examining my life.

I heard it once so I didn't get a chance to capture it fully. Also, since the English language is not as rich as the Arabic one, I can not do it justice in translation, but it goes something like that:

Look at the Wawa, See the Wawa, Kiss the Wawa, Sahh!
Saw the Wawa, Kissed the Wawa, The Wawa is gone, Bahh!
- Haifa Wehbe

Monday, March 27, 2006

Feltman kicked out of LAU

The word here is that U.S. Ambassador Jeffrey Feltman was just forced out of LAU-Beirut campus by a student protest. I just heard the screaming and saw the embassy cars speed away. I will confirm or deny this report once I get more details.

If this is true, Feltman would go down as the first person in the History of this esteemed university to be refused admittance.

It seems Feltman's team outwitted the LAU students and made it to his scheduled event .
Here's what some witnesses said.

Student #1: "I saw some people protesting. I didn't know what they were protesting, but I joined them."

Student #2: "I saw some people protesting. I didn't know what they were protesting. I wanted to join them, but I realized it was all guys, so I skipped it."

Student #3(My sister): "Huh? What? Why? I was sleeping in class and heard some noise."

Student #4: "We showed the Americans!.... that they can't come in through this gate unless they push us out of the way."

Jeffrey Feltman: "Democracy."

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Must not see kiss TV

Dubai is like so cool. You can ski indoors, Tiger Woods tees off off a helipad for a nominal fee, and Michael Jackson moonlimps in its malls.
Dubai is so modern, open minded, and tolerant that it censors Friends, Raymond, and Frasier. Oh, that vile pornography that is Frasier. Everybody Loves Raymond just don't demonstrate it. They have weird standards though, I mean Ray and Deborah can be seen in bed together but they can't kiss. Monica and Chandler are not even allowed in the bedroom until they get married. Rachel and Ross are always on a break. Joey is a virgin.

So a kiss is bad. Unless ..... it is planted on the Emir's schnozz. Then, it would be on TV all day.

Des goûts et des couleurs....

Friday, March 24, 2006

Inta Meen?

Titles are all the rage in this country. It would be blasphemous to be called by the Title your loving parents spent a lot of time and energy researching and carefully selecting to fit you. (This doesn't apply to our Shia brethren. Your name was chosen by a coin flip. Heads=Hussein/Fatmeh. Tails=Ali/Zainab.)

You don't really have to earn a title to claim it. As soon as you set foot in a hospital you'll be known as Doctor, even if you're a male nurse. Grab a mike and show some tits and you're an Artist . Grab a Mike, Show Tits, and Shake them and you're a Star Artist. Grab a Mike , Show Tits, and Shake them when you're pushing 100, and you're a legend.

Write the obits in the paper and you're a Philosopher. Go to Saudi Arabia and you'll be christened as Hajj. If your great great great^100 grandfather died in Karbala, you are a Sayyed. Coincidentally if you die in Karbala today you are collateral damage. Things aren't what they used to be. On that subject, if your grandfather used to toss Turkish salad you are a Beik or a Mir, these days if you toss Turkish salad, you're a Fag.

So what happens when you merge 2 political parties with 2 different presidents? Does one of them, God forbid, lose his title? Of course they both stay as president, you just tag one of them High President.

The more titles you have, the better person you are. So naturally a man who is a General, a President, a Zaeem, a Parliamentarian, and a Midget makes the best candidate for the highest office in the country.

Let's not forget the King of Taouk and the Sheikh of Shawarma, it sure beats sandwich wrapper.

So How many titles can you claim?

Time to Retire this poll

Final Results of the Inta/Inti Shou Poll show that: internet polls are not reliable.

P.S. Well it does also show that the Lebanese are way underrepresented in the Lebanese Parliament.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Cab Driver Conspiracy du Jour

If you're ever bored and looking for good cheap entertainment in Beirut, just jump in a cab. Once I rode with the improvisational poetry champion on "Almumayazoun", another time I had a driver fall asleep at the wheel. Of course there is the regular fight on where the drop off point is. Also, always be ready for the indecisive driver who tells you to get in and then changes his mind half way to your destination and just tells you to get out. This one time I got in a cab in Hamra to Downtown, I get into my newspaper when bubba decided he doesn't like downtown anymore and asks me to get out. I had no idea where I was , after a few inquiries it turns out I was in El Basta. Wait, I was closer to Downtown when I got in the Cab.

... and there are always the political conspiracy theories.

Today as we passed in front of the Saudi Embassy and saw the heavy security presence there, I was let in on this little secret:
"Russia was behind 9-11 and all the terrorism attacks against U.S. and their allies. They can't compete with the U.S. cleanly so they are doing it thuggishly. Now the Russians want to sabotage Lebanon because we are getting closer to the U.S. and that son of a bitch Aoun is their man here."

Shhhh.... Don't tell anyone.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Happy Mother's Day

Just a quick post about my Mom.

My mom is a huge fan of Lebanese proverbs, she has read all of Salam El Rasi's books on the subject. Not only does she have a phrase for every situation, she also has the history and origin of the phrase.

But my favorite of Imm Jamal's proverbs is not published in any books. At least, I don't think it is.
Whenever one of us disagrees or argues with her, she drops at us this gem.
"بعد ناقص, بيطلع من طيزو و بيقلّو بع "

a rough translation would be:
"Comes out of your ass and tells you Boo!"

Happy Mother's day and بع !

Sunday, March 19, 2006

The Chosque

The Omari is a downton Beirut mosque with a nave and an apse (the only 2 possible answers for the New York Times Crossword puzzle clue: Church section.) Now try to keep up with me, this site is a Roman temple burried under a Byzantine church turned Memluki mosque, turned cathedral turned mosque again, recently expanded or rather ruined with a modern expansion, oh and by the way it houses one arm belonging to John the Baptist and one hair belonging to Prophet Mohammad's scalp. The hair was stolen during the (un)civil war, but if you ask me wouldn't an extra arm be more useful in a fight than a hair?

Now here's my crazy suggestion. Wouldn't it be fucking awesome if they had Friday Prayers AND Sunday mass at the Omari Mosque/St. John's Church? That would fully capture the history of the place and show the National unity we so badly want. Heck I might even attend. Ok Ok, I'm getting carried away now.

To be even more accurate to the history of the place, we can throw Bacchusian orgies in the den. Now, that's the Lebanon we all brag about; right there smacked in the middle of Downtown Beirut under the layers of the Omari.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Muhammad Ali Interview

It is probably illegal to do this without parental consent, but I'm willing to take the risk seeing how the esteemed Minister of Social Affairs is willing to use children for political gains. By the way about that presidency, Dream on Nayla. Next time you are hoping to look presidential, do not show the world that a 10 year old kid is a lot more articulate than you. Ok, enough ranting.

Muhammad Ali is a 12 years old Shoe shiner in Hamra.

J: How old are you?
MA: 12.

J: Where are you from?
MA: I'm from Nawar el Debbane in Tripoli.

J: When did you move to Beirut?
MA: When my dad died 4 years ago.

J: Where's your mom?
MA: Home with my younger brothers.

J: How many brothers?
MA: 1 Brother, 2 Sisters.

J: Do they work too?
MA: No, I support the family.

I noticed him looking at what I'm writing.

J: Do you read and write?
MA: I left school in 2nd grade. So I know a few words.

J: How do people treat you on the street?
MA: Good, only once they beat me up because they thought I was Syrian, but when I told them I'm from Tripoli they let me go.

J: And the Cops?
MA: Once they took me to the Makhfar, and my mom came and took me home.

J: How's the shoe shining business?
MA: It's enough to buy food for the family, do you want me to steal instead?

J: Nope, not at all. How much do you charge?
MA: 500LL-1,500LL

J: And if the customer is Saudi?
MA: (Smirking) 3,000-5,000LL. Sometimes 10,000.

J: Do women shine their shoes too?
MA: Once a woman shined her big boots.

J: Did you peak up her skirt?
MA: Nooo, she was wearing pants.

J: Who's a better shoe shiner, you or that old geezer sitting over there?
MA: I don't know, I try my best.

J: Do you use Boya Creme Boffalo Lamma3?
MA: What's that?

J: I guess you really aren't Syrian.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
MA:I wanna make teeth like my dad used to.

J:Make Teeth?
MA: Yes, when people lose their teeth they replace them with Teeth made of platinum, my mom is teaching me how to make them.

J: What do you do after work?
MA: I play Goal with my friends.

J: Are you good?
MA: Yes, I play with the Gebalia team in Sabra.

J: What's your favorite team?
MA: Brazil.

J: Well, mine is Italy , khallas we can't talk anymore.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Health Update

I'm sure a lot of you are losing sleep wondering how our favorite comatose man of peace is doing?

Well, I'll gladly put you to sleep.

He's still in a coma, but on the Bright side he's been shitting and wetting himself for over 3 months now, he hasn't killed anyone over that same period, and his inability to swallow has made him lose a lot of weight. He's actually looking quite sexy.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


I've always seen these enthusiastic young activists working the streets all over the world. I must admit I've always escaped their tentacles, sometimes rather rudely. So after almost two years of breathing clean Beirut air I decided maybe these kids deserve a couple of minutes of my time. After all Green is good and so is Peace.

So walking by their territory like I do almost daily, and just like clockwork this dude pounced on me. This time I didn't slither away and I think this dude was caught by surprise. Dude must've been shocked someone was eager to talk to him.

Dude ran through his script on how cool the environment is, and kept throwing at me questions that could only be answered with an approving nod.

-Do you breathe air?

-Do you like little birds?

-Do you want your kids to be born with a head?

-Do you hate one or both of our neighboring countries?

Dude is good, I couldn't disagree with anything he said. Dude whisked me away to a green heaven I was ready to marry Dude. Then he asks me for my bank account plus routing number. What the Heck!

Ohhh, I get it now, and all this time I thought Green stood for the environment. Stupid me.

Monday, March 13, 2006

The Dialogue Farms

And they're off.... Again.

The nation's top horses are back in top form. Only the best pure thoroughbreds are present as no Bghal (mules) are allowed in this round stable.

The top priority, actually the only issue, is the farms. Naturally, that's the only thing on a horse mind.

Meanwhile; we, The People, are just hoarse whores.

Friday, March 10, 2006

YO Jimbo!

Advice Guru Jimbo was swamped with questions (One) since he offered his FREE services. Feel free to swamp him some more.

L Jord wrote:

Yo Jimbo
I'm writing because I'm in a real quandry here and I need your help.
Every since childhood, ive been betrothed to Jorda Nia. It's an arranged marriage and loveless.we used to at least tolerate each other and maybe even have a friendship, but now its just contempt.I really cant stand who shes become.she's so desperate to be in the "IN" club.

Her arm pits used to smell like Zhour Al-Wadi and now she's into Diesel. We used to pay for stuff in cash, now its American Express.She's gone from Santa Cruz goddess worshipping hothead paisan dyke to Miami lipstick lesbian in an LA minute.She'll go all the way for anyone who flashes a little bit of green.

the truth is, ive been having an affair with the girl next door (Lubna N.) who is wild and nothing but trouble.she is completely non-monogomous with no hope of settling down in the not jealous of the other girls or boys, i just want to be number one.We used to have a thing going on in the 90's and i thought it was over.i ran into her again in november (i admit *blush* i went out of my way to "bump into her") in the middle east and it was magic once again.she had zaatar between her teeth from eating a man'ouche but all i could see was the mediterranean in her eyes.i havent been able to put her out of my mind.i could live and die in her arms.

Should i leave my landlocked loveless relationship and set sail through treacherous and fiery seas in the hope of reaching her elusive shore?Is my provincial love the Excalibur to her stone cold city heart? or should i play it safe and stay?Im scared its all been a fantasy that will disappear like vapour the minute things "get real"...she does have a wild temperament and i could risk everything and loose it all.

I need your help Jimbo.
help put the euro back in my arabe.

JIMBO's Reply:

YO L. Jord

Thanks for your letter,

You have quite a dilemma. I see that a GAP-dressed Starbucks-sipping sugar momma has robbed Jorda Nia of her innocence. The bright lights of fame, and the promises of a care free life can lead a confused young dreamer astray. Fear not for her though as this experience will help her mature, as this conniving bitch she's been fooling around with is quite savvy and experienced. Jorda Nia should learn a trick or two that will wow you in your next encounter, that is assuming she's not a retard which is a quite common condition in the region.

As for your affair, you are probably attracted to Lubna N.'s schizophrenia. Being with a schizophrenic gives you the joy of an orgy without the jealousy factor. She's been slacking on her medication though, and currently her multiple personalities are attracted to a couple of bad apples: Jorda Nia's same sugar momma (told you she was a slut) and a badass loud mouthed distant cousin, Percy A. Those two lovers don't exactly see eye to eye and might start some scratching and hair pulling soon.

So before you dive back into Lubna's lap, make sure she's back to her regular pill popping that takes her to her own special world away from these odious influences.


Thursday, March 09, 2006

One More Week

You've been warned. If you wish to drive drunk make sure you do it before next Thursday.

Seriously though, the ISF deserves credit for their traffic safety campaign. Bravo!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


We've been promised an eventful March regionally and locally, and so far I can't say anything but that it has lived up to expectations.

Locally, and I will only look locally because that's all I care about, we had a little get-together downtown. Well, it has failed (YESS!!) and now the Blame Propaganda machine is out in full force. Both teams are digging deep to try to come up with as much ammunition against the other team as they can. But do they really need it?

Future's Newscaster could just say "Cheese!" for 30 minutes, and that group will blame Nasrallah for everything that went or will go wrong.

Almanar's dude could shave his balls on air at 7:30 and you'll hear the people say the next day,"Did you see that! It's all Jumblatt's fault!"

On the bright side, this was just the appetizers. Starting next week the juicy steak will be served. There is still however that pesky Monday session that could starve us from the Truthsssssss.

Let's Go to the Movies

3 of 5 Movies nominated for the Best picture Oscar will not be shown in Lebanese movie theaters.* One for Homophobia, one for Zionophobia, and one for Islamopyrophobia.

I have zero interest in watching Movie #1, not that there's anything wrong with that. Movie #2 seems to paint the Mossad as a bunch of Mother Teresas (the actual Mother Teresa Movie is showing now at Circuit Empire), so I think I'll pass on that one(and i'll pass on the actual Mother Teresa one for that matter).
I would watch #3 because I enjoyed "Traffic" and good conspiracy theories are always entertaining.

So... Let's go to the Bootleg DVD shops.

I love Lebanon.

*Ok I messed up, so let's all assume Syriana was nominated for Best Pic.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Who's the boss?

Sausage Fest Day 4

I went downtown to get a glimpse of the action., and this is how it went:

Soldier #1: May I frisk you and squeeze your butt?

Me: Sure, since you asked so nicely.

A few meters later.

Soldier #2: May I frisk you and squeeze your butt?

Me: Do I have a choice?

A few meters down the road.

Soldier #3: May I frisk you and squeeze your butt?

Ok, when I called this thing a sausage fest I had no clue the extent of it, but I made it to downtown and what a pleasant place it is when there no cars or people around. You can actually hear birds chirping these days in Downtown Beirut. I say turn the whole place into a bird sanctuary, it will definitely be more profitable than the office business activity that is going on there.

I visited my boy at 3ezz Cafe for a coffee shot and I noticed that there are a lot of bored young army dudes horsing around with automatic assault rifles in their hands. A Very comforting sight; but at least these didn't frisk me and squeeze my butt.

There is nothing else to report since they made me take an oath not to leak anything, but I did notice some odd activity that needs to be mentioned. I saw an American looking dude that seems to share the same barber and optician with Drew Carey with a stethoscope against the wall of the parliament building. I just found that a tad odd.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

From Lebanon IIIIIIII

The Shibr

The world has chosen the metric system as standard. The U.S. wants to stick to the retarded English system because they're cool that way. Plus the terrorists use the metric system , are you with Us or are you with the terrorists?

In Lebanon we've replaced rulers, odometers, and GPS systems with a God given measuring tool. It is a standard everyone can relate to. No one can visualize what 17 centimeters might look like, but even a blind man (or woman) can feel a shibr. There are no centishibrs or nanoshibrs and all the confusing scientific mumbo jumbo. The shibr is only divisible in half.

Some might argue the Shibr has limitations.

Here's proof that adopting the Shibr as your measuring standard does not stop you from building high rises, but rather saves you machinery and manpower. I do suspect however that there was a Lebanese architect on the lose in Tuscany using the Shibr sometime in the 13th century.

My favorite use of shibr is a linguistic one used to further belittle a little person. This is demonstrated in the following statement:
"هيدا واحد زمكّ, ما بيطلع طولو شبر ونص"
"This a zmeck, his height is not even a Shibr and a half."

The Shibr; another handful of tradition from Lebanon.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Ashrafieh, Bourj Hammoud, Dhahieh or Ras Beirut?

A little multiple choice quiz to test your knowledge of Greater Beirut. The answer is either:
a.) Ashrafieh.
b.) Bourj Hammoud.
c.) Dhahieh.
d.) Ras Beirut.

1.) Jaafarian Carpets?

2.) Beydoun Mosque?

3.) Pain D'Or?

4.) Patisserie Cremino?

5.) Electric Company?

6.) Electric Service?

7.) Free Electricity?

8.) Movie Theaters?

9.) Adel Imam Movie Theaters?

10.) Lebanon First?

Your Score:

8-10 The Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria

4-7 Abou Merhi Cruise

0-3 The Titanic

Answers: 1-D, 2-A, 3-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (and they all suck), 4-C, 5-B, 6-D, 7-C, 8-A, 9-D, 10-None of the Above

Friday, March 03, 2006

Sausage Fest- Day 2

Idiotic Sexist Quote of the Day by a Wise War Criminal Doctor Wannabe President.

"كل شي احلى عالطبيعة، الا الستّات"


"Everything is prettier au naturelle, except the ladies."

Only a sick demented war criminal would prefer a painted blow up doll to a woman.

Way to go, Bubba, it's the couch for you tonight.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Lebanese Sausage Fest - Day 1

Where are the women at?

What sort of national dialogue excludes half of the nation?

You want to hear something funny? Technically, the person representing me at the round table is Elie Skaff.
I can rest assured my voice(well, an incomprehensible mumbling noise) will be heard.

In 2 or 3 days, this conference will be declared a success by most because they will name who will be democratically elected as President, they will declare Syria a friend, and Israel an enemy.
"مطرح ما خري شنقوه" I'm not sure this saying makes any logical sense, but I feel it fits this situation.

Here are questions that should be on the agenda but aren't:

  • Isteez, Thanks for hosting this event, You da man. Now where was the South Council's money spent? Oh, you spent it under duress from a Randa just like some people were coerced to vote a certain way. Ok, that's fair.
  • Hajj, how will Beirut 1 save us, throw me some figures, I'm pretty good with numbers? The government should handle it behind closed doors, because you don't want to burden the people with more financial worries than they already have. How noble.
  • Mahsoubak, the slogans are all nice and pretty, but what is your strategic plan? Lebanon First, Lebanon First, Lebanon First.
  • Sayyed, what do you have against Dabke and Fayrouz? So fighting Zionsim and Imperialism is a priority, but why do we all have to wear black.
  • General, you are accused of being stubborn, can you accept compromise? As long as it is like the Pierre Dakkash compromise.
  • Beik, smoke, snort, or shoot? All of the above, that explains a lot.
  • Doc, Why is the presidency yours? Sorry, put your gun down, I was just kidding.
  • Sheikh, Why is the presidency yours? Yeah, I think it's pretty clear you kiss everyone's cheeks.
  • Mr. President, your presidential term between 1982 and 1988 was one of the worst 6 year stretches in the history of Lebanon, aren't you ashamed to show your face? No.
  • Mr. Tuweini, Mr. Tuweini, Mr. Tuweini!
  • Agop, I know there is no gender differentiation in the Armenian language, but how hard is it to call a dude a dude , and a chick a chick? You do it on purpose just to fuck with people. I like it.
  • Mr. Murr, Mr. Safadi, and Mr. Saad, you know you're just here to make the table look full?
  • Mr. Skaff, can you spell CAT? ooooh, so close.