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المشهد - صباح يوم ممطر في شارع الحمراء

سيدة مقعدة في كرسي متحرك: النويري؟

سائق السرفيس: تاكسي...

السيدة المقعدة: لا ليش تاكسي... سرفيس... بس عالنويري...

السائق: شو بدّك إيّاني إنزل وشيل وعتــّلـّك هالكرسي ببلاش...

السيدة: الله يسامحك....

More (or less) than a cool ass name

Ok, I'll revive this blog for a shameless plug.

Shankaboot is out.

It is being billed as the first Arabic Web Drama. Although, personally I would've taken a different marketing approach. Being first gives you a carte blanche to claim all the superlatives so why stop at First?

It's the Best damn Arabic Web drama out there.

It's the most watched Arabic Web Drama out on the world wide web.

It's the smartest, funniest, most action packed Arabic web drama in the cyber world.

Of course this works both ways, as it is also the absolute worst Arabic Web Drama on the market today.

Before I go any further, there needs to be a disclaimer here. I worked on this project as I was one of the writers on the team that developed the original script. So I might be a little biased for this masterful work of modern visual storytelling.

But, then again I was fired off the project so I might actually hold a grudge against the producers of this trashy piece of junkaboot.

Clearly, my conflicting emotions prevent me from providing an objective review. So, check it out and judge for yourselves.

Here's the First Episode...

A Beautiful Man

Rupert Murdoch is a beautiful man in Assafir.

Again since the link is broken , I'll go ahead and post the unedited article.

"رجلٌ جميلٌ"

جمال غصن

"للأسف، أعتقد أنه من المستحيل أن تسيطر على كل الإعلام. بالطبع، إلاّ إذا كنت روبرت موردوك . إنّه رجل جميل." الكلمات هذه لشخصية كرتونية في "السمبسونز" تتّصف بالعوارض النفسية التي تعرف مجتمعة بالثالوث القاتم وهي النرجسية والمكيافيلية والسيكوباتية أو الإضطراب العقلي. هكذا يتحسر السيد بيرنز اللذي يمقته جميع أهالي سبرينغفيلد لجشعه الذي لا يرحم على أنه لم ولن يصل إلى مستوى موردوك ويحسده على قدرته الاحتكارية في سوق الإعلام. طبعاً يسجّل هنا لموردوك أن هذا الكلام الساخر يبثّ على شبكة فوكس وهي احدى الشبكات المملوكة من مجموعة نيوزكورب التي يرأسها ويملك حصة الأسد فيها موردوك نفسه. فتقبُّل القليل من النقد من برنامج أثبت نجاحه الشعبي والأهم من ذلك نجاحه المادي على مدى عقدين من الزمن لا يتنافى قطعاً مع الإيديولوجية اليمينية المتطرفة التي تروج لها فوكس نيوز، أشهر قنوات موردوك الإخبارية. يجدر الذكر أن إسم موردوك اسكتلندي الأصل وأن لفظ موردوخ بالخاء بدلا من الكاف يعود إلى جذور الكلمة النورسية، غير أن طريقة التهجئة العربية للإسم لا يخلو في بعض الأحيان من قدرٍ من الخباثة، إذ أنه يراد الإيحاء بأن لموردوك خلفية عرقية مختلفة عن ما هي وكأن عرق الرجل يزيد أو ينتقص من جماله.

إختار موردوك دخول السوق العربية للتلفزة من باب الإستثمار بما هو موجود على الأرض أو بالأحرى في الفضاء، واستغل الأزمة المالية العالمية التي أثرت على السيولة النقدية لأمير روتانا لينقذ الشركة في محنتها بضخ مبلغ يعطيه فيها حصة الخُمس والأرضية الجاهزة لإطلاق مشاريع مشتركة تجلب الثعلب إلى بيوت العرب. ويبدو للوهلة الأولى أن التزاوج بين الشريكين الجديدين أمر طبيعي جدّاً بل يُستغرب كيف لم تتم الشراكة من قبل إذ ان كل رجل منهما أجمل من الآخر وفقاً لمعيار "مستر بيرنز" للجمال.

تطرح الشراكة بين العملاقين الإعلاميين تساؤلات حول تأثير العلاقة الجديدة على العمليات القائمة وما قد تنجبه من بدع صورية على شاشات عوّدت المشاهدين على ثقافة البدعة. وما هي ارتدادات هذا الحدث على السوق المحلية وبالأخص على المؤسسة اللبنانية للإرسال التي تربطها علاقة مالية بهذه الصفقة. فال"ال بي سي" لا تزال تتربّع على عرش التلفزة اللبنانية رغم الخضات التي حصلت لها في السنوات القليلة الماضية. فقد تداركت الإدارة الإنحدار السريع في الحقبة الجعجعية التي مرّت بها المحطة في أيام الثورة لتحافظ على نوعية مهنية وتنوعية غائبة إلى حد كبير في القنوات المنافسة. هناك تحفظات كثيرة على أداء ال"ال بي سي" لكن عندما تكون المنافسة هي عبارة عن أبواق حزبية غير مستترة يصبح إستسخاف المشاهدين نعمة مقارنة بإستغبائهم، فتبقى الجرعات المفرطة من شربل خليل أسهل هضماّ من "الفتّيحة" البرتقالية على سبيل المثال. تشكل حال السوق هذه أرضية خصبة لثقافة نيوزكورب ومن المتوقع أن تزيد المسافة بين ال"ال بي سي" ومطارديها إذا ما طبقت بعد المعايير الفوكسية التي غالبا ما تتكل على إبهار المشاهد بأحدث تقنيات الصورة. فالصورة الجميلة تضفي مصداقية هوليوودية للمضمون، وعندما تغيب المنافسة تختفي الحاجة أصلاً إلى مضمون. هنا يكمن جمال الإحتكار وهكذا يصبح روبرت موردوك حقّاً "رجلٌ جميلٌ".

On MurrTV كلّو mexicain

A couple of weeks ago Lebanese MTV aired a candid camera show on which yours truly was a victim of a silly prank. I was told that I looked very grumpy which probably was the case, not because I don't have a sense of humor about pranks, I'm just intolerant of unfunny. So I decided to take a look at this Murr TV thing and it didn't take long for me to find something to get back at them.... my commentary in Assafir today.

Since Assafir doesn't keep links active this is the actual text...

تشكّل بنما وكوستاريكا ونيكاراغوا وهوندوراس والسلفادور وغواتيمالا وبيليز ما يعرف بأمريكا الوسطى، وهو برزخ جغرافي يفصل بين الأميركيتين الشمالية والجنوبية. تأوي البلاد السبعة المذكورة ما يزيد عن الأربعين مليون نسمة يتكلمون لغات عديدة أبرزها الاسبانية والإنكليزية والكريولية ولغات منحدرة من حضارة المايا. كما توفر بيئة البرزخ الاستوائية ظروفاً مثالية للتنوع البيولوجي إذ تحتضن غابات وبحيرات أمريكا الوسطى الممتدة على مساحة نصف مليون كيلومتر مربع، سبعة في المئة من التنوع النباتي والحيواني في العالم.يحدّ أمريكا الوسطى من الشمال المكسيك ومن الجنوب كولومبيا، وتبلغ المسافة الفاصلة بين هذين البلدين حوالي ثلاثة آلاف كيلومتر، أي ما يقارب المسافة الممتدة بين النقّاش والشانزليزيه. تأوي منطقة النقاش استوديوهات تلفزيون "أم تي في" الذي عاد إلى الفضاء العربي منذ حوالى سبعة أشهر، ويحاول أن يتخطّى ما يعتبره كثيرون فضيحة الصرف الجماعي لموظفيها، عبر إطلاق باقة خريفية من البرامج تثبت من خلالها ثقل شاشتها على الساحة اللبنانية بشكل عام والمتنية بشكل خاص.

اختارت القناة مسلسل "غرام وانتقام" لملء كوتا المسلسلات المدبلجة في شبكة برامجها، وبثّت حلقته الأولى مساء الإثنين الفائت. الملفت في إعلان المسلسل هو أن "أم تي في" تغري مشاهديها وتعدهم "بمشاهد خلابة من المكسيك" حيث تجري أحداث "غرام وانتقام" وفقاً للإعلان.

بهذه الكلمات يصبح "غرام وانتقام" "مكسيكي" بالقوة، رغم أن المسلسل الذي يحمل عنوان "Pasion de Gavilanes" (ومعناها الحرفي "شغف الصقور") دبلجة عربية لمسلسل من إنتاج كولومبي ومصور في كولومبيا مع ممثلين بمعظمهم كولومبيين وناطق في نسخته الأصلية بلهجة كولومبية بارزة. لكن بفضل إعلان "أم تي في" تختفي مسافة الثلاثة آلاف كيلومتر التي تفصل المكسيك عن كولومبيا والنقّاش عن الشانزيليزيه؛ تُختزل شعوب وحضارات وتغرق أميركا الوسطى وبلادها السبعة في محيط من الجهل اللغوي والجغرافي.

هي ليست المرة الأولى التي تعرّف فيها محطات لبنانية عن مسلسلات برازيلية أو كولومبية بأنها "مكسيكية"، وهذه المرة حطت الموضة عند "أم تي في" التي "تتباهى" باعتمادها "اللغة اللبنانية" التي هي عبارة عن عربية بلكنة مشرقية مطعّمة بمزيج "حضاري" من الفرنسية الباريسية والإنكليزية الهوليوودية. ورغم إصرار القناة على إبراز قدراتها بالتقرّب لغوياً من الغرب، فقد فاتتها نقطتين مهمتين: الأولى هي أن الإسبانية أو "المكسيكية" هي اللغة الأكثر انتشاراً في الغرب، ومع ذلك يبقى هناك مفهوماً واحداً لدى القناة للتماهي مع الغرب (أي هذا المزيج فرنسي الانكليزي)، وثانياً أن للّغة علاقة بديهية وتاريخية بالجغرافيا، بعكس المفهوم الاقصائي الذي تعتمده القناة (وكولومبيا كانت الضحية هذه المرة).

Hajj Ponzi does the Cabinet

Elie Beik Skaff is gone.....but he will not be missed.

Elie Beik's shoes are hard to fill, but when Saad Hariri and Hassan Nasrallah work hand in hand everything is possible. Ok...Ok, we're talking about Elie Beik here, so the effort wasn't just a national one. Replacing Elie Beik Skaff required the regional rapprochement between Syria and Saudi Arabia with the Nobel Peace prize winner giving the green light.

All the stars lined up right to bring Hussein Hajj Hassan into the Ministry of Agriculture to replace the legend of Elie Beik Skaff.

Yes...the same Hussein Hajj Hassan who handed his money to Salah Ezzedine for the promise of a 40% return on his investment.

I don't know about you but I'm going down tomorrow morning to the ministry of agriculture to sell them my magic coins that grow into money trees...

Synchronized Movements

The Hariris never liked Michel Aoun, and the feeling is pretty much mutual.

Back in Hariri the First days, the "Syrians" made sure the exiled General stayed as far away as possible from the grand reconstruction plan. Hariri the Second does not have the benefit if the "Syrians"...yet. So he has had to deal directly with Aoun. He's had to sit and hear the General's demands, but to date he has never listened to any of them except for one which we'll get to later.

Michel Aoun on the other hand is vocal about the role he wants to play in the next National Unity government. Too vocal, in fact, if you consider that it's really falling on deaf ears. Then again if you look at the menial demands of this once "revolutionary" Change and Reform man, you have to beg him to stop.

The permanent caretaker government loves the status quo of operating aimlessly. Sure all governments in the history of this state do that, but this one actually has carte blanche to do so. They don't even have to pretend to meet. No decisions have to be taken.

But just when you think you've got everything figured out, something happens that defies all logic. Aoun's wish becomes Hariri's command and the Government jumps into action like it has never jumped before.

Naher El Bared can work miracles. It's destruction turned Michel Suleiman into a Lebanese national hero and catapulted him into the Presidency. Now it's reconstruction is bringing together opposite forces that have never met.

See the issue started when some ruins were discovered at the site of the refugee camp that was destroyed by the Lebanese Army in 2007. All of a sudden the long neglected piece of real estate became indispensable for the economy, security, and national unity. Michel Aoun rushed to the State Shura Council which issued a non-binding freeze on the reconstruction project which was already very slow to take off in the first place. Meanwhile approximately 40,000 residents enter their 3rd winter without a home. The Hariris which were already running out of excuses to stall jumped at the opportunity and bound the unbinding resolution. Not only do they get to stop the reconstruction, they also get to blame their arch-rival for it. It was too easy. And there's where we stand today.

Meanwhile Aoun's concern for historic ruins fades when he meets Saad Hariri. See Saad Hariri lives in what Saatchi and Saatchi dubbed Beit El Wasat or the Middle House. Cute.. a humble little abode.. like the song says.. Our house in the middle of our street. Of course, a more apt name would be Bilaat Solidere, or Solidere's Royal Court. Just to remind the General, Hariri's Solidere Royal Court and its surrounding neighborhood was built over not only ancient ruins, but also properties of living people...Some who were killed when their own roof was brought down on them because they were impeding "reconstruction."

It's been two and a half years since the homes of Naher El Bared were destroyed. Two and a half years of promises of reconstruction but nothing else.. Not only does no one on the Lebanese political scene care (no one includes Hezbollah and other Resistance factions); they actually unite over not caring.

For more Info visit My House is in El Bared.

تعتب عمين؟

بيكفي لف ودوران وتضييع ساعات وإيام

رح يضلو يقولو تكلف سعد وقعد سعد وقام

غير ما يروح عالشام ، ما في حكومة وئام

فشرّف صوب الجماعة، تيسقوك كاسة جلاب

Ramadan Drama

Following Ramadan TV dramas requires too much commitment. You have to reserve a certain hour of your evening for that specific purpose and you can't take any days off not even weekends until the end of the month. IF that's not feasible you have to look elsewhere for your Drama fix. The justice page in Al-Akhbar has been catering to those deprived of TV Ramadan dramas. Take the saga of Abboudi Al Ammouri for example.

Yesterday his father, Fayez Al-Ammouri, went to report this 12 year old kid from Mekseh, Zahleh missing. So the police are on it, ad we hope they find this this missing child. You don't have to wait long to discover the fate of Abboudi.

If you scroll down to the 5h news item on the SAME page of Al-Akhbar there is a report that an ocean rescue unit was called to the Qab Elias lake, just next to Mekseh, to retrieve a body after it was CONFIRMED that Abdul Hay Fayez Al Ammouri, aged 12, has drowned there.

Tragic ending to this fast developing story; too tragic to make fun of an editing gaff in a newspaper. Except there is a twist to the story. Today, one day later, in Al-Akhbar you read this. The father, Fayez Al Ammouri, retracts the missing child report filed earlier as someone found the dead child, age 12, alive and lost in the groves of Qab Elias. "Sources" tell Al-Akhbar that the kid is in good mental and physical health and that he probably ran away because he was scolded by his parents.

Happy ending as a dead child resuscitates and reunites with family. Except that anyone familiar with Qab Elias cannot possibly buy the "lost" story. You cannot get geographically flatter than this Bekaa valley village, with reference points such as eastern and western mountain ranges clearly visible from any point in town. So there's surely another twist in this story awaiting on page 11 of tomorrow's Al-Akhbar.

Hajj Ponzi: Special Victims Unit

One of the biggest civilian financial heists in the glorious history of Lebanon remains off the media and political radar except for a couple of blurbs in some papers praising the virtues of Salah Ezzeddine, the pious crook. That might have something to do with the fact that the powers behind the media outlets are themselves products of much larger Ponzi schemes albeit officially sanctioned and democratically endorsed ones. Another reason is that this specific scam targeted a specific geographic and sectarian segment of Lebanese society, so the other segments don't feel that this issue concerns them. But make no mistake about it, if you factor in that Salah Ezzeddine was in Tyre and not in NYC, the Hajj's $1 billion loot trumps Bernie Madoff's $30 billion in its impact.

I want to focus on a town that was hit hard by Ezzeddine, you have to give it to this guy for good scouting. Speculation has the border village of Yaroun south of Bint Jbeil as the number one loser in this ordeal with 160,000,000 in solid assets..... no, liquid cash.... no, what is the vapor form of the US dollar? The thing about Yaroun is that even though it is infested with tens of million dollar mansions, its population outside of summer is under 160, the biggest business investments in it are a gas station and a falafel shack. In the pre-war years its people lived off the land, tobacco farming more specifically, today they live on and off foreign lands...and we're not talking about Dubai here, the closest choice of a settling point for Yarounis is 10 time zones away. So what to expect of a group of people who have $160,000,000 disposable cash for shady investments yet have not invested in say a school, even though $160 million dollar are enough to create job opportunities in productive sectors for a few thousand people and put much of the youth in the whole kazaa of Bint Jbeil to work.... at home. Off course, to be fair this behavior is not unique to the people of this village although it is strongly marked there.

Sure you might say the Lebanese government never encouraged the development of these remote areas, and even when they did the liberated areas in the South never saw any of the cash earmarked in the yearly budget for the Council of the South which was used by the Amal Movement as its private fund. But now we are venturing into official scams and I don't want to do that now, because today is all about private initiative.

Salah Ezzeddine had it, the people of Yaroun will never do.

Hajj Ponzi

A major Ponzi scheme of Madoffesque proportions has come to light in Lebanon. The twist here is that the crook, "Hajj" Salah Ezzeddine, took cover under Hezbollah's popularity in South Lebanon and made off with $1.2 billion according to As-Safir.

The man behind the 12 year old scheme also ran a publishing house that specialized in "resistance books" and a Hajj tour organizing agency. His PR events for Dar El Hadi always had a list of invitees that included HA ministers and MPs which was then used by Ezzeddine to build his image of a pious trustworthy investor who is close to "the party" and made good on 40% returns on investments in "Iranian Steel"... and quite steal it was.

As with every scheme of this sort, hundreds of people have lost al their life savings and are extremely angry, some at Hezbollah itself. It is still a developing story as Ezzeddine is in custody of Said Mirza who in an unrelated note came under an intense attack from Jamil El Sayyed yesterday.. Meanwhile the Finance minister is missing in all of this scandal but in his defense he is digging for a way out of Lebanon's financial dilemma.

Who will carry the torch of Elie Beik?

Ok, I can't burry my head in the Berdawni any longer. I have to admit that I might have been wrong when I said previously that the elections did not matter. My stuttering voice in parliament Elie Beik Skaff lost and I have to come to terms with that. Albeit Elie Beik will continue tirelessly to caretake the national agriculture while his replacement continues to be a figment of a constantly absent mind. Kudos to Elie Beik.

But as the cliche goes, all good things come to an end. I have to overcome the pain and start looking elsewhere for someone to shoulder my legislative concerns, someone to take it on the chin for me, someone who will speak for me until he grows hair on his tongue which apparently is a real medical condition and not just a Lebanese saying. Hairy.. shoulders...talking...chin.....hmmm... but of course how could I miss him ...His excellency Mr. Bear Arabia, Elie Marouni. Who makes a better mentor than someone who was patient enough to teach a bunch of 10 year olds, including my 10 year old self, the right way to speak the mother tongue. But I don't know why I just don't see him filling the shoes of Elie Beik. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful student, the nerd in me is probably not over the 13/20 grades because "no one deserves higher than that in Arabic composition", or I might still hold a grudge over the time he hit me with a yardstick. Do they still hit students in schools here?

Anyways, moving on to other candidates, we have Oqab Saqr.

Ok next, there is Ziad Qadri. Ok he's not exactly from my electoral district, but close enough. There is someone who is my age, we grew up in the same place, we ran in the same circles, so naturally we should have similar concerns and that makes for an excellent representative. The problem is that he's been awfully quiet. That's actually not a terrible thing given that generally the campaign ran by the rival camps was pure sectarian drivel and lacked any real issues. So maybe Qadri was waiting for the right moment to speak so his words can make an impact.

He finally spoke yesterday. Enough was enough, something had to be said. The mockery of the people cannot continue. Leaders have to step up and put things in their right places. He condemned how some are "unfairly picking on the Saudi role in Lebanon, and accusing the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia of obstructing the formation of the cabinet." He added an expression that basically says "honey will always attract bees."

I knew he was the one...move over Elie Beik... finally someone who will defend the Saudis for me.

The night Israel will never overcome...

Avigdor Lieberman, racist extraordinaire, can yap all he wants about destroying Lebanon and exterminating Arabs, as he and his war criminal buddies in the Apartheid state of Israel poorly attempt to repaint history in a more favorable hue.

Three years ago the Israeli air force went on a killing spree which they tried to mask as a military operation. But as the dust settled and investigations concluded it became clear that while Israel earned a lot of civilian blood spillage cred; militarily they earned themselves an unsurmountable lead atop the greatest gaffes in the history of men in uniform.

So to understand why Israel's top brass is overly macho with their threats these days, we shall recount the events of a night that the State of Israel will Never overcome...

On the evening of August 1st, 2006 champagne was being chilled at the Israeli military intelligence headquarters. As we'll discover later the use of the term intelligence will prove to be very lose. Excitement was hard to hide as the sun sunk over the Mediterranean because in the third week of the war the hard work and the billions of dollars spent were going to prove well spent. Ground battles were still raging near the border fence in the outskirts of Maroun El Ras and in the Khiam Valley a couple of kilometers deep into Lebanese territories. That didn't discourage one of the globes best equipped militaries from shoot for the sun or at least the city of Sun a couple of hundred kilometers beyond what was proving to be the unpenetrable land borders.

An Ultra-elite commando unit consisting of tens of ultra-elite super zohans disguised as Lebanese military were dropped off somewhere in a scarcely populated of Lebanon western mountain range. Everything was going according the plan concocted by the ultra-brilliant minds of Sayeret Matkal and Shaldag. With the tops down and enjoying the midsummer night breeze they approached the town of Jammaliyah, Baalbeck. Here the ultra-brilliance of the operation starts to come to light for this town is known to be a red town and not particularly a yellow stronghold on the Lebanese political color scheme. Historically, Hezbollah's security apparatus has earned the reputation of being very tight while sticking to "safe" and familiar territory; so for the Israelis to discover that Hezbollah would actually go against their modus operandi to throw off the Israelis is nothing short of miraculous intelligence gathering. The job that hundreds of bunker busting bombs missed was nearly complete as they knocked down the door and nabbed 5 senior targets including the biggest of them all, Hassan Nasrallah. Game, Set, Match...the war is won...

One story says that a Palestinian accent gave the elite commandoes away. It was probably the Lebanese military that figured out the impostors in Jamaliyyah. In any case the Israelis will surely come out of this snag as air cover was on its way to save the day. Gun battles raged between Lebanese resistance fighters and the fumbling Matkals and Shaldags. After the first round of air raids it was clear that the take off will not be without a heavy price. Battles raged all night in this small Bekaa valley town with non-stop air raids by the most advance murder technology. Civilians without any formal military training grabbed whatever they could get there hands and joined in the fight. Of those were comrade Awad Jamal Eddine, his son Hassan, and nephew Maxim who came out to defend their village. Primitive hunting rifles engaged the ultra-elite killing pros or what was left of them until the early morning hours. 19 villagers including 4 children where killed. Israeli war propaganda insists that its military was unscathed in battle, but an unusual number of soldiers died in that period from a pretzel choking epidemic.

Whatever the price Israel paid on that night must have been worth it as Hassan Nasrallah was on an Apache headed back to the Apartheid state where he will be humiliatingly paraded as Israel's ultimate war trophy.

It took 3 weeks for Israel to absorb the shock, admit the mistake, and release Hassan Nasrallah, a grocer from the outskirts of Baalbeck.

It took 3 years for Israel to absorb the shock, admit the hate, and unleash Avigdor Lieberman, a bigot from what is today Moldova.

From the soup nazi's old cabinet...

Eastern Mediterranean national unity consommé

(Serving size starves a country)

One lard-load of lard

Two Dozen clamshells

One whole token chick

One full dose of nepotism

Two sticks of saffron

Two tablespoons of date paste

A tinge of mastic

A squeeze of A1 steak sauce

Topped off with a swath of goatee

Wrap ingredients with exclusive newspaper cabinet roster scoops and drop in lard. Boil slowly over jet fuel. Serve when told so.

From Lebanon 2009

Stray Bullet

To get lost in Beirut is not a difficult task. The streets do not fall on any numerical or logical grid o roads and avenues that can be easily tracked. As a matter of fact street names are often an issue of subjective interpretation for your Leon Street could be Emile Edde to me and Layyoon with a thick Beiruti accent for a third person who doesn't usually sport a thick Beiruti accent. Of course there is always the infallible landmark based positioning system except that neighborhood landmarks are often invisible to visitors. Have you seen Modca cafe recently? Well, it still is very much a reference point.  Mind you here we are talking about arguably a fully developed species of humans that struggles with orientation, so it would be totally understandable if an unintelligent lifeless form of matter such as the steel that commonly makes up a bullet goes astray during the very limited time it gets to get acquainted with the city between the pull of the trigger and ripping through a bystander. 

Still stray bullets take a lot more blame than they deserve. Not all of them kill, some just maim, others just crash land in the Baba Ghannouj at the outdoor restaurants which are crowded with the record breaking  3 million tourists. Here I do not mean to insinuate that the shooters of bullets might be at fault. They never are; not in this quasi-anarchy we run over here.  What I'm trying to say is that better urban planning wouldn't hurt. 

Stray bullets are another tradition from this great nation, and frankly progress and development should incorporate tradition rather than defy it. 

Les Priorités

Three ministers took time off from their busy tourist  season schedule, after all one of these ministers promised the Lebanese 3 million visitors this summer, to address an issue that has thousands of citizens enraged n this country. The cancellation of  a French comedian's performances in Beiteddine has ruffled some elite feathers, as it should for where will this country be without the freedom of artistic expression. 

So what exactly happened, let's see. The dude was coming, so many people were enthused they added a second and then a third show... no problems there. General Security gave the OK even though it often prevents local acts from taking the stage, Visas are not an issue... Fine, then a TV reporter questions the dude's allegiances and thinks he's in bed with the Izzies.. Controversy, that's always good for business, free promotion... Dude cancels his trip.... Over 6000 activists join e-campaign against terrorisme intelectuel... 

I have to admire this stand against censorship although I'm having a hard time locating it. General Security is known to prevent shows or cut scenes from movies but that wasn't the case here and there were no threats made to the performer or the festivals. It was the  dude who cancelled his visit. On the Lebanese side, all that happened was that a reporter did not like the dude's alleged background...If the report is inaccurate then refute it but the reporter had no authority to and did not cancel the show... yet the ministers of Tourism, Press, and Culture felt that this reporter harmed Lebanon's image abroad. What will people say?!?!

Meanwhile Zeina Miri, 30 year old mother of 5, gets shot on her balcony. No facebook groups, no ministers holding hands at press conferences, and more importantly no fear for Lebanon's image. 

معضلة الخرا/ الخرى

أطلّ زياد الرحباني بعد طول غياب على الصفحة الأولى من جريدة الأخبار بمقالة عن خرا الكلاب الأرسطقراطية. و لزياد الكثير من المقلّدين على مدى مسيرته المهنية الموسيقية و النقدية. لكن غالبا ما يكون مستوى المستَزِِْيدين هابط إذ أن محاولة استنساخ اسلوب من دون أن يتمتع المستنسخ بما يطور به أو يزيد قيمة الاسلوب الاصلي ما هو إلاّ نموذج بسيط عن الرجعيّة في الفن. زياد نفسه اشتهر بتطوير أعمال غيره ببضع الكلمات أو النوتات. بالعودة إلى الموضوع الأساس، لم يمرّ ثلاث أيام على سابقة الرحباني الصحفية حتّى زايدعليه شارل أيوب المشهور بقصر صبره على عكس أيوب الأسطورة. نعت أيوب و بخط عريض على الصفحة الأولى من جريدته الديارأحد الإعلاميين بالخرى. لا تزعجني الكلمة أو استعمالها على صفحات الصحف، فأنا ضد تنقيح الواقع في الاعلام و يصعب وصف الحقيقة القذرة دون اللجوء الى كلمات بنفس الوساخة. ولم يزعجني استعمال أيوب للنعت في العنوان لأن ما تلى العنوان من كلام عنصري بذيء يجعلنا نتوق إلى الخرى كونه حتما خطوة إلى الأمام.

لكن ما استوقفني في المقالتين هو التهجية المختلفة للكلمة . أتُكتب بالألف الطويلة أم بألف مقصورة؟ تعدد الأراء من متطلبات الديمقراطية لكن لايجوز الخلاف على هجاء الهجاء، فالخرا خرى إن كان من طيز كلب أو من فم لبناني.

In defense of pigs

Schweins are getting  a bad rap.  They are double victims here. Talk about lose-lose: they either die of disease or they get slaughtered into salchichas. 

The fact that a hundred humans have died in Mexico means the world needs to urgently gather some Tylenol Flu and send it over. But stop smearing pigs. What's even worse is some religious kooks in this region, muslims and jews, gloating about being right all along about pigs. Where was this prophecy when the flu was avian?

"/"

As tempting as it is to delve into the campaign platforms with which the political palette plans to undertake the next parliamentary, I will continue to pass on the subject. No economic policy, talk, job creation, rights, services... I will stick with my earlier assertion that these upcoming elections will have a negligible effect on the political fate of this country.

Also as much fun as it would be to rate the performance of the incumbents, and whether they we need their talents around for 4 more years, I will pass. I will not review the voting record of Elie Beik Skaff on vital legislations, even though he is the only member of parliament I can name from my electoral district. Ok, I lied, there's that tall very Zahlawi-sounding Aoun dude. Well, I'm sure they deserve to be re-elected. Sure, they elected an unconstitutional president, and gave away my vote of confidence to two Siniora led cabinets. On second thought, I don't think they gave Siniora's first run a confidence vote, but they must have been so impressed with that cabinet's performance that they corrected their mistake in round 2. It doesn't matter anyways.

Now if you live in Beirut or in Metn, please do participate. Sorry, I lied again, make that if you vote in Beirut or in Metn. Not because it matters, but because you must make sure that Mohammad Amin Itani and Camille Khoury get re-elected. There is absolutely no way their public service so far warrants a lifetime retirement salary for them and their dependents. So we should make them earn these benefits by at least having them going through the motions for a full term.

I never finished reading Saramago's Seeing. I think I will. Now that was an interesting election process.

6 degrees of Myopia

1. Hezbollah is allied with the Free Patriotic Movement

2. FPM counts Gebran Bassil as a senior member

3. Gebran Bassil is the minister of telecom in Lebanon's schizophrenic national unity government

4. The ministry of telecom awarded a mobile network operation contract to Egyptian Orascom

5. Orascom is majority owned by Naguib Sawiris

6. Naguib Sawiris, through Orascom, is the biggest investor from an Arab country in Israel

P.S. This deal was signed by the "pro-resistance axis" during the Israeli massacres in Gaza.


UPDATE (Feb 15th Orascom Statement: ORASCOM goes with the "we did, but no longer do" defense. While Sawiris opts for "I had a Palestinian friend once" argument.)

Return of the Savages-day 3

Israel continues to bomb blindly further proving that having the latest murder technology is not enough to cover for military incompetence. A university campus, mosques, and a TV station were the latest targets. Palestinians will continue to learn, pray, and that station continues to broadcast. So the Israeli armed gangs continue to reap death and destruction, but zero military gains. The longer Palestinians in Gaza hold on and they will persevere, the more the incompetence of Israeli military is exposed. 

There is no question Israel under the wise leadership of Olmert, Livni and Barak will come out of this round having lost on many fronts. Militarily it can only kill indiscriminately Its insatiable blood thirst is being beamed live into homes around the globe further exposing its barbaric nature. Meanwhile politically, they risk losing historic gains they've made with their Arab allies. No doubt Israel's cooperation with the two Abdallahs, Hashem and Saud, will continue in a not so covert manner. However, the longer these massacres continue the more trouble the Arab dictators will have in openly push naturalization efforts. In 2006, we saw how Mubarak, the Sauds, and the Hashems panicked after Israel failed to finish off Hezbollah. They scurried with their damage control efforts by trying to outbid others in the process of erasing the traces of the crime they took part in.  No doubt they will do the same in Gaza. 

As  for Israel's Palestinian collaborators, the war on Gaza should be the end of an already frail Abou Mazen. The charade called Annapolis has reached an unceremonious end, and the Israelis will have trouble finding another Palestinian "peace partner", willing to risk as much as Abbas. 

The number of deaths has reached 310 in 48 hours...1400 injured...

Israel is no more

Today Israel's heavily armed gang did what it does best...Killing for the sake of killing... Although Israel has since its conception been morally bankrupt today's massacre proves more and more that they are military bankrupt too. The 2006 defeat on the edges of Maroun El Ras and Bint Jbeil was the beginning of the end.

Israel can pump all the American tax money available into that war machine, but when it starts a campaign by wiping out sitting targets like the police stations they targeted today just for the sake of killing as many bearded men as possible; that is a sign of bankruptcy. Militarily it gained nothing, strategically it lost the war. If all a 60 year extensive military program is capable of are sophomoric war crimes, then it is not facing an "exsistential threat"...it just does not deserve to exsist.

Go ahead Israel pump out more hate, but the more hate you throw out the more hated you get... and you can't handle being hated. Your image is crumbling faster than the falafel recipe you need to steal to keep up your farce, and your whole exsistence is about that mirage of an image you try to paint with blood.. The mirage of an army for what is nothing but a mass murderer... the mirage of victimization that is nothing other than a hijack attempt of the real suffering suffered by your coreligionists... the farce of democracy for what is ugly apratheid... the mirage of citzenry for colonizers rampaging through poperty of others...the mirage of an economy that is only kept afloat by subsidies courtesy stolen from people who don't where and how their taxes are spent...

The mirage of a state for what history books will only remember as a most savage example of organized crime.

بحبك يا لبنان

The driver of this BMW I saw today clearly loves this country. He has dressed the 4 headrests in his car in red, white, and cedar. He also has Pierre Gemmayel's legacy, the "Love Lebanon? Love its products" bumper sticker, adorning his rear fender. He's so patriotic he might know the second , heck even the third verse of the Lebanese national anthem.  

Nothing however says "I love Lebanon" more than him throwing his empty Marlboro flip top pack out his car window.  

from the campaign trail

Thirty some odd years ago, the war in Lebanon was between the arms that were a guarantee for the safety and defense of the Christian minority in the Middle East and those weapons that were slated to liberate Palestine.  The funny thing today is the argument you hear that a certain arsenal in Lebanon serves as a protection and a guarantee for the minorities in the Middle East including Lebanon's Christian minority; while some are convinced this same weaponry will pave the way back to Jerusalem. 

Rockn't the vote

In this period between the olympics and the world cup, plenty of spectacles try to fill the void. It seems elections are en vogue this season. All the cool kids are doing it. There's the great U.S. of A. with its bipartisan bout. On the other hand, we have Iran with its bipolar act. Down south they are playing hot potato as no one wants to be the next Olmert. Then there's our show which some believe to be as significant as the previous three combined as all these three nations and multiple other states are involved directly in the electoral process in Zgharta el Zawya and others of the thousands of major metropolitan areas in Lebanon.  

Since the campaign is in full swing it's time to start evaluating the candidates and filtering the m down to those worthy of our vote. After all a vote is not something to be taken lightly, you are ceding power over your interests to someone who should be trustworthy and who would choose your interests above all other considerations. There are also the so called principles that you might stand for or against and they should be reflected in your choice. I for one am against. It's actually the easy out to be ever-opposing without presenting a viable alternative. You never have to defend your position while always pointing out imperfections in a perfectly imperfect world. Well that is the actual job of a citizen; to boss politicians around pushing for an ever-eluding perfection. It seems easy but we always fuck it up.

 

In any case, I'm against the elections. I don't think I need to back that up with any solid reasons, because that might actually set a dangerous precedent in a country that is not very tolerant of reason... among other things. So instead, I'll just back up my opposition to the election with a hunch or a gut feeling. You can't argue with a gut; it might let its feelings out and it wouldn't be very pleasant. 

I just don't think these elections matter. Not that other elections matter much. Regardless of my strong opposition to that election law that is gerrymandered specifically to shatter a fragilely glued country. It is not about an election law or a political platform. Elections in Lebanon are just for show. A spectacle of long hours of TV programming  to create a diversion from the real politics taking place. Ultimately, they do not matter at all. There are doubts the elections take place, and I certainly hope they don't so this charade isn't gratuitously extended for 4 more years. Now if they do take place, they are likely to be the last or one of the last in this current establishment.   You have to foresee this if you hope to have a political role in this country's future. Those fighting for a seat here or there won't. 

O Canada!

The mighty Zohans have foiled 5 kidnapping attempts of Izzies by Hezbollah in different parts of the world. Now I don't know if these claims have passed the snopes.com test, but I'll play along. So here we have the same intelligence apparatus that failed to sniff what goes on under its nose in Maroun El Ras going 5 for 5 in pulling needles out of haystacks around the globe; thus out-omnipresenting  the party of God...  Good job Mossad, you're so impressive  you obviously don't need to make these annoying dinnertime telemarketing calls offering me $10 million for information about Ron Arad. So stop them.

Back to these latest achievements. One of these cases was in Toronto. So a Hezbollah operative was going to kidnap an Israeli over there and face one of 2 scenarios. Either drug him and and hide him on a transatlantic flight, entertain him for a long layover at Schiphol, then smuggle him agin onto a flight to Beirut where they can hide him in one of their secure bunkers. That's just very unlikely, and too risky. So the second  scenario is more likely. Hezbollah would keep the hostages in Toronto.. in their complex bunker and tunnel system under Toronto's southern suburbs where they hide an arsenal of thousands of missiles that can reach Detroit, beyond Detroit, and beyond what's beyond Detroit. Yep that's the one.

A man of principle

Hussein el-Husseini just resigned from that mockery of a parliament they run down in Solidere. 

His reason: it is unfair, preposterous, lewd, lascivious, and outrageous that after 2 years of getting paid for doing nothing, he actually has to show up for work now.

Submit to Webster's

Metrosalafi (n, adj): a young, cool, suave, well off, Armani-dressed, well-trimmed, intolerant, Islamist, takfiri, and occasionally pious party animal; mostly spotted in multi-million dollar mansions  in Beirut, Mediterranean isles, and on the Saudi Riviera. A Metrosalafi is often involved in politics, philanthropy, propaganda, business dealings, feudalism, funding of militants and scholars, and promoting interfaith dialogue.

The land of innocence

So the barge owner on which over a thousand egyptians died was declared innocent by the court; it is not that he purposely pulled a drill out of his tool box and poked holes in the vessel. Accidents happen. Sure the decision was put on hold,  but who are we kidding, he is a card holding member of the ruling party.  

In Lebanon, nearly a thousand people die every year in car accidents. It's not that the roads are unsafe, or the cars aren't street legal. It is not because traffic cops don't even know the rules much less enforce them. Accidents just happen, and people die. Lebanon's roads proved unsafe for Generation 4 Merkavas, yet teenagers popping wheelies on  their home-made scooters are common sights on busy highways. It's all innocent fun, and accidents just happen. Just like the tens that have been accidentally shot and killed throughout the country the past couple of... millennia?

But I am curious to know one thing though. I wonder if YASA keeps these stats. Does the rate of fatality drop when  a car is protected by some type of religious iconography? If so, which icon is the most protective?

It must be tourist season

These days I get an average of 2 address inquiries every time I walk down the street. It does not even matter what time of day or night it is, lost souls are all over the place. I assume everyone gets these questions, because either that or I'm someone who looks like he nows where he stands. 

During tourist season, even cab drivers stray from their routes into unfamiliar and what is perceived as hostile grounds.  You can tell a cab driver is outside of his comfort zone when they are not their usual aggressive and rude selves.  "Pardon, Monsieur, where can I find le Roi de frites?" "Sorry, What?  you lost me at Pardon Monsieur..." "Lik Wayn Malik El Batata." " Much better, down the street you'll see it on your right."

Some other people you expect to be lost; like the Saudi license plate in front of Starbucks Hamra asking how to get to Starbucks Jounieh. Or the family of blondes asking for "Rue Hamra" on Rue Hamra. "But it looks nothing like the Champs Elysees." "Well.. Nostalgic ex-pats tend to slightly exaggerate the virtues of the homeland, but personally I like it better than the Parisian Avenue, No stupid Arch of Triumph, even though we claim more triumphs in a week than the French army has in its history. More importantly , no Golden Arches." "Whaat, no McD's???!"  "No  but there's le Roi de Frites."

P.S. This blog in no way, shape or form endorses Malik el Batata as a lunch option. It's solely to be used as a landmark for directions and a campaign stop for candidates who need a photo op with a "regular citizen" before an election. 

From Lebanon on and off

Getting stuck in the ascenseur

Just when you think that you have mastered the game, that the rules no longer apply to you; a major coup swiftly puts you back in place.

After four years of always escaping, of knowing exactly when to risk it and when to feign extra energy for five flights of stairs; one week got me twice. In both incidents the ever-present Natour was nowhere near his lair. In the first case; ten minutes in the heat and in the dark in close proximity to 7 strangers clearly put in perspective the number of emigrants fleeing the country. The 10 minutes should be multiplied by the dog year- human year factor to get the “felt like” time. While the second time around, a struggle to pull my body up into the Shibr wide opening out of the cabin was a blunt warning that the long overdue gym visit cannot be put off any longer.

Personal issues aside, getting stuck in the ascenseur is a rite of passage here. You cannot delay the inevitable indefinitely. Its risk factor has to be taken into consideration every time you are getting off the ground aiming for higher floors. Grocery shopping, garbage collection, wakes, tea time, and other social gatherings are scheduled around possible outage times. As you know, most mascara brands are not stuck-in-the-ascenseur proof. To be fair, this ritual is not all bad, there is one positive about it: it kills the music.

Stuck in the ascenseur; another slightly inconvenience in a long line of Lebanese inconveniences.

From Lebanon neither 8 nor 14

The order of engineers windshield sticker

First of all, you would think that with the centuries spent cumulatively in various design classes the order would come up with a more aesthetically pleasing sticker. Well, any attempt to alter the logo in the current politically charged environment would undoubtedly lead to a color battle that would make a gay pride parade seem pale.

The sticker is there as is, but why is it so common? It must be for insurance purposes or some quirk like that because I can't understand why would anyone want to brag that his or her Harvard aerospace engineering degree has landed them a Picanto; in installments over the next 7 years.
Or maybe mister engineer wants to divert your attention with his dazzling order of engineers windshield sticker away from that red license plate that adorns his car.

A tough job market, struggling engineers, a yearly reminder call from your sectarian party representative, and kickass math skills: these come together symbolically packaged in that boxy design of the order of engineers windshield sticker in Lebanon.

لا خاسر ولا مخسور

I think it's time I lift my self imposed gag order. I'm a person who lives in a state of denial. I could not handle the Lebanese week of honesty. People expressing their feelings freely was long overdue in Lebanon, and what do you know; all it took was a few days of open hatred and then  a la Emeril Lagasse ... Baam a group hug to heal all. 

Here's how Andre Breton defined Surrealism:

Psychic automatism in its pure state, by which one proposes to express -- verbally, by means of the written word, or in any other manner -- the actual functioning of thought. Dictated by the thought, in the absence of any control exercised by reason, exempt from any aesthetic or moral concern.

و بيتين عتابا للمناسبة

سبع بورومبو معيّد بواحَد و مأضْرِب بسبعة مايو

ما في شغل، نازل عالبحر و معو لابسة سبعة مايو

اليوم يومو إن نصَبّ زيت عنارو أو تلج صَب عمايو

غصب عن اللّي بالضاحية والرابية و قريطم و معراب

شو عم بيصير هالإسبوع بين بيروت و محلّة

هون حكومة ما بيرفّلها جفن و باقية بافية باقية محلاّ

و هونيك تلاتين سنة و إنّو تشبع سرقة و قمع ما حلاّ

إن لفظتو الجيم جيم أو الجيم جيم كلكن سوا بلإضراب

للمزيد أنقر هنا

... and on May Day

Nudity. I still have a clipping from an October 1993 Nouvel Observateur, an opinion poll: twelve hundred people describing themselves as on the left were sent a list of two hundred ten words and asked to underline the ones that fascinated them, that appealed to them, that they found attractive and congenial; a few years earlier, the same poll had been taken: back then, of the same two hundred ten words there were eighteen on which left wingers agreed and which thereby confirmed the existence of a shared sensibility. In 1993, the beloved words were down to three. Only three words that the left can agree on? What a decline! What a collapse! And what three words are they? Listen to this: “revolt”; “red”; “nudity.” “Revolt” and “red,” those are obvious. But that, aside from those two words, only “nudity” quickens the heart of left-wingers, that only nudity still stands as their shared symbolic legacy, is astounding. Is this our total inheritance from the magnificent two-hundred-year history solemnly launched by the French Revolution, is this the legacy of Robespierre, Danton, Jaurès, Rosa Luxemburg, of Lenin, Gramsci, Aragon, Che Guevara? Nudity? The naked belly, naked balls, naked buttocks? Is that the last flag under which the final brigades of the left simulate their grand march through the centuries? 

-Milan Kundera, Slowness

Valet Parking Part Deux

I have touched on the subject previously, but this is one topic in Lebanon around which many dissertations could be done. One could study the Freudian interpretation of the glee derived from the key tossing experience; or the statistical correlation between the time it takes a poser to get out of his or her street blocking car and the number of angry eyeballs in the cars behind him or her.
I don’t have the time or the knowhow to conduct scientific research on this phenomenon, but I do have an eye that spots potential case studies.

Case #1

Dunkin Donuts is an American franchise that sells fried dough and sugar. It has long been known as a favorite hangout of men in uniform out late at night to protect and serve. It also serves as a quick pit stop for commuters that are late for work and in need of cheap coffee and a cheaper heart clogging sinful treat.
The Sodeco Area of Beirut is smacked right in the middle of what formerly the dividing line between East and West Beirut. It was an area known for its legendary snipers, and thus the bullet poked façade: a unique Beirut architectural style. Coffee there was a vital part of the survival kit back in these days under the snipe or be sniped theory.
The Dunkin Donuts at Damascus Road in the Sodeco Area of Beirut has Valet Parking.

Case #2

Lebanon has been suffering a massive brain drain since the opposition sit in started, or was it since the July war? The Hariri assassination? Since Hariri assumed power? Lausanne? 1982? April 13th? The Cairo accords? World War II? My great grandfather was in Cuba at the turn of the century so let’s just say that people have been fleeing this mountain range for a long, long time. A random sample of the youth would reveal that a good chunk of those leaving do so for the lack of money making job opportunities.
Forward Forum is a career fair that took place at BIEL this past weekend. Thousands of jobless youth flocked for a shot at a career that would keep them in the country. Careers that are unlikely to pay for mortgages, but at least they would cover their food; modest aspirations for college graduates.
Forward Forum had a Valet parking service that would save these 20 some year olds a walk of no more than 50 meters, yet hundreds of the job searchers opted to pay the extra fee for the luxury of just tossing the car key.

Counting Intellectuals

It's 4 am, and I can't sleep. An old trick that I know is to count sheep, but I've been living in a city for so long that I forgot what they look like. I do remember that they often come in herds and they make unintelligible noises.
There are no sheep in Beirut but I have witnessed a group of people that made unintelligible noises recently. It was right here in Hamra at something called Homeworks. They kept calling themselves "intellectuals." I wonder if they have the same effect.
Hazem Saghiyeh
Wissam Saadeh
Houssam Itani
Hazem Al Amin
Bashar Haydar
Rabih Mroueh
Jalal Toufic
Emily Jacir
Marwan Rechmaoui
Kamal Aljafari
Zeina Maasri
Khalil Rabah
Joana Hadji-Thomas
Khalil Joreige
Wael Shawky
Bernard Khoury
Hazzzem Saghiyeh
Hazzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Greek Orthodox: Pound for Pound

No need to remind everyone that the office of President of the Republic is vacant. That counter is well into triple figures, but it is almost a 1000 days behind the mother of all counters.

Earlier this week Siniora and Berri each kicked off a tour that'll take them to various stops where they can woo their fans, or was it fan their woes?
In any case with the absence of the top 3 Politicians, Farid Makari became the highest ranking politician in the country. Now that's an honor that Makari would be able to claim for just a few hours, maybe a day or 2 max. But that was enough to ruffle some feathers among the esteemed Orthodox brethren. It donned on Michel El Murr that he, and not a Makari, should have been the king for a day.

So in order not to miss out on an opportunity like this if it were to present itself again, Mr. Murr Sr. quit the Orange Parliamentary grove and positioned himself as the next independent consensual vice-speaker of the parliament.

Clever. huh? Well you don't just go from being Israel's most reliable ally to becoming Syira's most reliable tool , and then finally somehow be both in the government and in the opposition without being clever. It's a bit unorthodox though.

Who's your daddy?

I perfectly understand why a group of people chose to erect large posters of Abdallah Al Saud all over town. The "others" have posters of Khamenei up. So the only logical match would be the Servant King of Islam's Holiest places; a feat that certainly trumps Supreme leadership of a revolution in terms of Holy brownie points. What I don't get though is the timing. Why now? The only thing I could think of, is that this has to do with the absolutely successful and/or completely failed Arab summit is Damascus; a message to Assad to show him who's the Half-Man. Nah, I'm sure a King would be over this more than a year after the fact and wouldn't let a mere word get to him. CNN did call him a history maker after all. CNN called me "a blogger" once; I'm telling you, these people have an amazing nose for accurate labeling.

I was watching the Egyptian equivelant to CNN sunday night. The host was going to extraordinary lengths to tell us that Sunday was an ordinary day. He went on and on explaining how traffic was ordinary, schools had ordinary attendance, hospitals did an ordinary number of nose jobs, and football games had the same number of unspectacular goals scored as any other ordinary day. See here being the inquisitive guy I am, I grew suspicious. Why would anyone be so adamantly bragging about the ordinariness of a day? Well, because they wish it was.

The day was so out of the ordinary that our own Siniora was summoned to Cairo on Sunday. His experience in ignoring protesting citizens would surely come in handy in times like these. Sure, neither the Lebanese opposition is as courageous nor that Lebanese government is as oppressive as their Egyptian counterparts. After all,the so-called-opposition in this country is still to this day begging for "partnership". You are one ugly, evil, money hungry, conniving bastard, will you marry me?

On a final note, the money witness in the Hariri assassination investigation has disappeared. It might just be a witness protection move. In any case, this blog has received exclusive footage from the international tribunal in the land of legal hos and weed. Enjoy the show.

Maronites: Pound for Pound

The United States does it. So do Arab states; the moderately evil countries and the evilly moderate ones. I don't see why Lebanon should refrain from doing it, aren't we afterall the face of the Dakotas in the Middle East according to one Lebanese ultranationalist.

I'm talking, of course, about putting presidential faces on currency. Spare me the talk that we shan't worship false idols because we do it more than anyone ever did. Heck, we produced the real idols who preached about false idols.

We'll start off with Beshara El Khoury on the 100,000LL bill; not because he is worth more than the others but purely for aesthetic reasons, no one else would fill up this bill. 50,000LL has to go to Elias Hrawi. He was our only president to get re-elected without the MP's going "Oops, we were just @#$%ing around." 20,000LL has to feature Fouad Chehab as 20,000 of his preteges went on to become presidents.

In the US the $1 bill is reserved for Washington, clearly the President with the best head of hair. If we follow the same logic, only Amine Gemayyel can be on the 1000LL note. Emile Lahoud gets the pink 5,000LL note, only because there isn't a glittery lilac silk one.

That leaves us with the 10,000 Liras: Orange numbers with a yellow background. I say we keep it vacant for the time being, there's a good chance someone would fit this bill sometime next year.

Cultural Agenda II

This whole Beirut Spring Business, or Culture, is now starting to captivate me. I'll assume the use of "Beirut" is just synecdochical, and what is really meant is the whole of Lebanon. But the same does not apply to "Spring", Spring is just Spring without the rest of the seasons. It fits in with a Future without a past, and Love and Life in an eternal Hallmark moment.

I must admit it is a very attractive "culture" for consumers. It's actually heavenly. Except you don't have to die to go there. It's right here on Earth; in Beirut specifically. Spring is beautiful, unlike the harsh winter, the long hot sweaty summer days, and not to mention Autumn which is synonymous with the end of life. Of course, a culture of no worries and no responisibilities naturally would have no accountability. The consumer is buying this culture as is. Anything un-springy one might encounter is just foreign. Alien obstacles are maliciously placed solely to ruin this midspring night's dream.

Things might be looking gloomy, but the guardians of culture keep huffing and puffing into a huge heartshaped balloon. I admire that, but we all now what happens to an overinflated balloon. That's a whole lot of bad breath.

Redefining Absurdity

First of all, a message to the readers. I know I've been away for a while, but Please, please, please I urge you, nah, I beg you not to fire any weapons in the air when you're done reading this. The culture of propaganda is all about firing up lies, not live bullets. But if you must, go for the M-16. With the US Dollar in its current state, it has become cheaper to waste American bullets than Russian ones.

Now Carlozinho might not have fully grasped what people saw. So I'll put it in terms he should understand. Dude, you looked far more ridiculous than Tante Imm Micho doing the Lambada. I do still find him cute and adorable, but Elie Beik Skaff will always be number one in my heart.

Pissful Coexistence

There are many angles in Lebanon where you can take a picture and capture a church and a mosque in the same frame. Oh, the beauty of peaceful coexistence. Well, that isn't entirely accurate. If you look closer, you'd notice that the newer shrine is on average three times the size of the older house of worship. This phenomenon can be attributed to the fact that this beautiful picture was actually the result of a pissing match between the coexisting village people.

The Story of Ayyoub

In Lebanon we have a political opposition. It's there, it's really there. Don't be fooled by the lack of vital signs. No Breathing, no pulse, that's all an illusion. It is not dead. You see, the opposition happens to be of the patient variety. Patience as you know is a virtue.
I guess it would take a patience virtuoso to understand. That's Ayyoub.


Cultural Agenda

Friday, 7:30 pm, Waving Flag Caravan Concerto Around the Block
Saturday, 10:00 am, Bread and Rice Bribe-A-Thon, Diwaniyyet Al Aish al Mushtarak, Istiqlal street
Saturday, 10:00 pm, Traditional Zajal by Zaghloul Abou Faour and the BIEL troupe, La Hoya Suites, Manara
Sunday, 10:00 am, "Now you have One Man, Now you see 50", Magic show, Liberated Section of Martyr Square
Sunday, Tea Time, Fibs and Tales of the Truth , Taditional Storytelling by Grand Hakawati Ahmad Fatfat, Grand Serail
Mon-Sun, 12:55pm, "In the Third Year, He Rose Again", Recitale by the Sea

Libertad, Libertad!

Overheard on April 14th, 1961 at Cafe Versailles, Eighth Street, Miami, FL

-Oye Doña, un cortadito por favor. Make it special, it'll be my last one in this country.

- What do you mean last one, Chico.

-Listen Jacinto, we can't go wrong.

-What if...

- No what ifs, no nothing. We will go in through the Bay go straight up the hill. Once we're on the hilltop Fidel will have nowhere to go but to jump in the sea.

- I don't know, Men. Can we do that alone.

- We will not be alone man, that's the beauty of it. The Gringos will bomb Fidel by air, to open the way for us. Señor Jon Jon senior promised us support. The Gringos already deployed 3 warships to cover our butts. It'll be over in a week. Even the prisons are ready, we just need the prisoners.

- A week, chico!?

-Maximo.


This post is dedicated To Ahmad El Assaad, Dory Chamoun, and their other cute little playpals.

بالإذن من إبن عربي

كل مبادرة شفيعها عمر موسى، لا يعوّل عليها

كل قمّة لأمّة قادتها طغاة، لا يعوّل عليها

كل جدار يفصل حبيبين ،مهما علا لا يعوّل عليه

كل سلاح قمع ذكي كان أم غبي، لا يعوّل عليه

كل احتجاج مطلبه كرسيّ، لا يعوّل عليه

كل كرسي يُقعِد جالسَه مدى الحياة، لا يعوّل عليه

كل مليون تتّسع له كراسي استاد ميشيغان، لا يعوّل عليه

وكل فرد ينوب عن مليون ، لا يعوّل عليه

كل جمع ضرب و طرح و قسمة، لا يعوّل عليه

كلّ لبناني ينظّر من الغربة، لا يعوّل عليه

وكلّ غربي ينظّر من لبنان ، لا يعوّل عليه

أمّا كل لبناني ينظّر من لبنان،من أمثالي يعني، فلا يعوّل عليه

The Big Picture

Landmarks have always been used in directions due to the lack of street signs and building numbers in Beirut. "50 meters after the pothole", "right next to the chestnut tree", or "where that restaurant used to be" are regularly used even though that restaurant closed before you were born.

These days, however, directions have gotten much easier. You see the huge picture of Saad Hariri with his dad hovering over him? I'm in the third building to the right. There's that building with the whole side covered with a humongous Hassan Nasrallah, he's even larger than the crowd at the downtown rally. The big poster with the much younger yet no less bald Samir Geagea points you in the right direction. At the end of the road you'll see a Large picture of Pierre Gemayyel turn right; your right, his left. Don't worry the power is out but the general and his bright orange mural will illuminate the way. And just in case you get lost getting to Nabih Berri's residence, there he welcomes you with a slick smile and even slicker Ray Bans.

You can't miss it.

Penny Pinching

Haifa Wehbe $75,000; Nancy Ajram $75,000; Najwa Karam $75,000; Assi Hellani $75,000; Elissa $75,000; Majida El Roumi $60,000; Ragheb Alameh $60,000; Nawal El Zoghbi $50,000; Wael Kfouri $50,000, Fares Karam $40,000; Walid Toufic $30,000; Dominique Hourani $25,000; Jad Choueiri $25,000; Mayez El Bayyaa $Peanuts; Ahmad Kaabour $Tossed Salad.

15 acts for a maximum total cost of $715,000 and a guaranteed "1.5 Million."

...and he's the one that's supposed to be the Money wiz.

Nothing Nice to Say

How does it go? "If you have nothing nice to say... just say mean things." My silence over the last few weeks is not due to the lack of things to talk about, but the lack of nice things to say. Anger is a different domain with its own specialists.

Today, there's a World cup Qualifier against Uzbekistan. The weather is beautiful , so here's an opportunity to enjoy an outdoor activity away from the soapish drama of Lebanese so called politics; except the game will be held in an empty stadium to preserve civil peace. Let's see if I can con my way to a press pass. More on that tomorrow if I succeed in making it into that beautiful serene stadium.

The affair between the Free Patriotic Movement and Hezbollah reminds me of Woodstock. Except there is no alcohol. Ok there is very little sex. The drugs are prescription, and there is no rock and roll. The main event tonight culminates a week of love expressions hardly ever seen on the Lebanese scene. Don't get me wrong, I'll take fake love over real bombs any time, but get a room. The big question for tonight remains will they or will they not kiss, but I think Claude Shalhoub would have been more appropriate than Jean Aziz for the occasion.

What the heck is a Sansoul? The song has been stuck in my head for a week and I have no clue what it means.

License to Kill

I estimate Corniche El Mazraa to be about a kilometer long, which if you divide by 5 meters you get room for 200 cars on each side of the road. On a Friday afternoon there are over 400 cars parked along the Corniche and none had a parking ticket on its windshield, so I assumed it was safe and extremely lucky for me to park right in front of Abou Ahmad for a quick bite. However, as I walked out I found an Eric Estrada writing me a ticket. "Why me?" I cried cautiously not wanting to push any wrong buttons considering I don't even carry a valid driver's license. Out of hundreds of cars, I was the only one being cited because... "you didn't leave your flashers on."

That was when a lot of Lebanese mysteries became clear to me. You can get away with murder if you leaves your flashers on. When downtown property owners tried pleading their cases against Solidere with judge Eido, they always hit the brick wall when confronted with "But did you have your flashers on?" Nabih Berri knew the power of flashing lights when he controlled the source of all our lights, that's how he's still shining even though his Amal movement has faded away. Shaker El Absi must have had his flashers on when he fled Naher El Bared leaving our mighty army dazed and impotent like superman under a blinking red sun.

I thought I had Beirut all figured out, but this town never ceases to intermittently amaze me.

Algebra

x + y + z = u

x < u/2

y < u/3

x > y > z

x + y + z + u ≤ 0

x ∩ y = Ф

x U y = ²³⁵U

u= √-1

Find x,y,z,u

Bonus: Find Michel Nayla Mouawad

Rationing Rationale

Back in early Summer, Electricite du Liban started rationing power in Beirut on a temporary basis due to peak demand during the hot summer season exceeding the production capacity. Off course, areas outside Beirut were used to heavy power cuts even in off, way off peak seasons. Then on August 2nd an excuse fell from the heavens in form of a Fatah Al Islam rocket that completely shut down the Deir Amaar power plant and forced fuel ships far far away. I know I know, this was a grave situation. It was War, a legitimate safety concern; the Electric company would never just make up cheap excuses.

Personally I don't mind walking up 5 flights of stairs, it's good for the glutes. But Shaker El Absi has vanished and it's not that hot anymore, so why hasn't the electric company come up with a new spin?

Jardeh

Magician's Secret Revealed

Andre Lala makes one of the best chicken sandwiches in town. The garlic sauce he makes can't possibly be legal, but at least you can rest assured bird flu stands no chance against the smell. I've inspected the shelves at this little hole in the wall in Rmeil and found no unusual spices. But the answer to the Lala mystery came to me from up above, the recipe secret that gives the Lala chicken that extra oomph comes in the form of a bug zapper situated directly above the work area. You can see some remnants of the special ingredient stuck on the metal rods since before the war. Electrilicious!!

Hollywood is for Kids

That's the impression you come out of the movies with if you have visited a lebanese movie theater the past few weeks. Hollywood provides the rated G movies (Bee Movie, Fred Clause, Enchanted...), while Beirut provides the Drama, Adventure, and Comedy. It had been a busy year for the Lebanese movie industry, and it has had some success at the box office which should naturally help the evolution of Lebanese movie making up from the Micho Qazzi stage to the intelligent human stage in the near future.

Status Quo

Despite Nabih Berri pendular outlook between the mother of all evil and great salvation we find ourselves right where we were a year ago. So watch for some incidents that end of January, a dozen of useless tete-a-tetes between Zaeems, and summer war; or you can wait to hear it from your favorite TV channel's Nostradamus on new year's eve.

My Rosy Outlook for 2008. Why the heck not?

2008 ought to be W's final year in power. There's always a chance for a constitutional amendment as we are experiencing first hand.

Beijing 2008 basketball qualifying tournament. After choking against Iran in the Asian Championship game, Lebanon's national team gets another chance to make it to Beijing. The competition will be tough but it should be fun.

Charlie Kaufman has a new movie out in 2008 with Philip Seymour Hoffman no less. I know it's not Abu Riad the sequel, but I'm looking forward to it nonetheless.

Ok maybe not too many rosy things on the horizon afterall, but (insert your favorite motivational hallmark quote here).

Ought To

"...the world ought to say this: that the March 14th coalition can run their candidate in their parliament, majority- plus one ought to determine who the president is, and when that happens, the world ought to embrace the president."

Inspiring words on what ought to happen and what we ought to do to make it happen.

We ought to embrace Siniora's 11 pm announcement of mourning the next day for Francois El Hajj's funeral because it means he is working late without billing us for overtime.

We ought to embrace the astronomical increase in the price of Potatoes and other produce since it boosts our export revenue numbers.

We ought to embrace the quality of the American made Israeli dropped cluster bombs which are still killing Lebanese civilians and mine clearing volunteers at a brisk rate.

We ought to embrace Elliot Abrams gracing us with his visit for everything he touches turns into a glowing picturesque ball of light and warmth.

We ought to embrace, sit still ,and hold tight for a new year is upon us and that is never a good think.

Happy Holidays

From Lebanon Again

For Most Anglosaxons the expression "Kiss Me Again" can only be interpreted as a request for an encore act of contact from foreign lips (teeth, tongue, and/or tonsils) against any part of the recipient's body with some sort of spastic motion that creates a certain degree of noise and moisture.

In Lebanon Kiss-Me-Again is not even remotely associated with the verb to kiss (as it could be used in reference to a power outage), the pronoun me (which might as well be replaced with them or y'all or Timbuktu) , or the adjective again for it might be about a novelty or something that will never happen once let alone again. "Kiss-Me-Again, Siyedeh, Istiqlel..."

Now you might think this is just an expression used by pre-teens to circumvent the use of the real thing which keeps them cool without risking the consequences of a nanny 911 time out. That it's a phase they'd outgrow once they develop a more articulate vocabulary. Don't get your hopes up as there are documented cases of retirees in Basta who don't even know a word of english dropping kiss-me-agains over games of Backgammon.

A new phrase can soon be added to the languages display at the national museum: kiss em again akhou sharmouta.

Pardon me for the vulgar use of again.

The Golden General

Never has silence been more golden than in the case of our Presidential candidate du jour. Heck he's starting to lose some points because he's been seenlately visiting some people. So the peak of his popularity was when he was silent and invisible. A poll a few weeks back showed that the number 2 answer to "who would you prefer for president?" was "No one". So after Syria and the anti-syrians agreed on eliminating the people's number one choice from contention, they opted for the closest thing they could find to a "no one".

As no one fills the void, the parties involved have moved ahead to the next step which is the first Post-Siniora Cabinet. Siniora might or might not be back at the Ministry of Finance. Kouchner might be lobbying for the foreign ministry seat. The only sure thing is that Tareq Mitri and Charles Rizk won't ever see the Serail again.


But enough politics, let's move on to other places where silence is golden on the cultural scene which swung back in full force as soon as Ammar Al Houri declared the end of the presidential crisis. Charbel Rouhana debuted a few songs at an anti-AIDS concert, or was it pro? In any case, from what I've heard, and wish I haven't, the follow up to his last Album "Khateerah" is apparently going to be "Khabeesah".


An Arabized and watered down remake of Lorca's "La Casa de Bernarda Alba" opened yesterday in Babel Theater under the direction of Jawad El Asadi and the title "Sexophone Women". Overall, it is a worthy effort given all the difficulties a theatrical production faces these days, as the show has been postponed as many times as the presidential selection session. The colorful performance was overall "entertaining". I have to note my reservations on cutting out half of Lorca's characters and thus gutting the story. Jahida Wehbe was able to act the lead role, but she failed at singing it. The Young'un Yvonne El Hachem's performance stood out, and Aida Sabra's energy triggered a Tsunami watch in the South Pacific.

Now for this stormy weekend, and keepig with the theme of Silence. I'll be camping out at the movies. We've got the ongoing European film festival, Burhan Alawiye's "Khalas", and Mai Masri's "33 Days." So طير و فرقع يا بوشار، ما بيصير أكتر ما صار, or so we hope.

Say Cheese!

Today is day 1017 in search of the truth, day 361 of the opposition's sit in, and day 3 of Fouad I's reign.

Saudi Arabia doesn't really want to attend, but it doesn't want to go against Arab consensus. Syria also thinks this conference is a failure but it will show up to keep with the Arab consensus. His Majesty is sending a delegate even though he still sheds tears for the victims of Israeli barbarism. You know why? Because of Arab Consensus. Arab public opinion is strongly opposed to free concessions and the unbiased mediator role of the US. Can someone explain to me what the heck is this Arab consensus they speak of?


Now if you average the approval ratings of the regimes attending this conference, you'll get a number below the Mendoza line. The American in me is coming out with obscure baseball references, but I'm just trying to say they ain't very popular. Still, they aim to achieve a collective boost in popularity out of this orgy since it can not deliver anything of substance.

Some are worried that the Arab Dictatorships will be seen as openly isolating any opposition to Israel in the region. Well, when they were already openly in support of Israel in summer of 2006, and they are openly turning a blind eye to the collective punishment of Gazapolis; how's a little handshake and photo op with Tzipi Livni going to hurt.

Peace can only be conceived in a healthy host with lively seeds. Those trying to artificially induce their promised "birth pangs" have to face the fact that they are sterile and surrounded by a bunch of limps.

A State of Emerging...

With the state of emergency confusion, the inept political class must have been worried that a week of martial law could expose much of their shortcomings. This week or more could have shown us what independence could have been had these blood merchants cared one iota for the concept. Of course that is assuming the military doesn't pull a Naher El Bared all over the place. But alas we are still after what seems to be a smooth transition to the Siniora uncensored era. No constitutional council, no President, no checks or balances of any sort except for that of the people and particularly that of the opposition, and we know how effective that has been.

The army is out in force in Beirut. 20,000 soldiers/citizens most of them from the furthest regions away from Beirut roam the streets of the capital to keep peace. I wonder what they think of the Capital, what it means to them. A capital that never cared for them but now it calls on them as it desperately needs them. But that's a whole other can of worms.

A Final quick note on yesterday's events. A number of people celebrated the departure of Emile Lahoud from Baabda. Now you might really dislike him, but isn't celebrating now after he's completed his two terms akin to celebrating the departure of your rival team from the World Cup after it won the Final... for a second time!

When Al Manar airs Bible Belt Propaganda...

A couple of days ago while flipping through channels I caught a glimpse of Black and White footage on TV. So instinctively I pause as that to me is as good as catching a glimpse of ... well that's not important. The footage was associated with a documentary featuring the mass killings committed by Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and Mao. The "documentary" attributed all the Nazi and communist crimes to an evil "myth by and amateur biologist."

I was convinced the video was a bible belt production as it was clear that it was originally in English. I was half right, (or half wrong.) The video was originally produced in English and it can be found here under the title "The Disasters Darwinism Brought to Humanity". But while it agrees to a tee with the Christian right's view on the topic, it was of Koran Belt origin based on a book by this kooky turk.

Now I'm all for disputing Darwinism, and we've had 200 years of advancement in genealogy research to use as ammo against that evil horned Brit. However, to blame hundreds of millions of deaths on the deviation from God's will while ignoring the hundreds of millions killed in the name of God does not make for a very convincing argument.

But hey, if you are looking for common grounds between Wilayat el Faqih , Wahhabism, and neoconservatism, here's a starting point.

73,245,357,358 and counting

No this post is not about that other counter.

Now if we had a penny (15 Lebanese Liras) for every opinion given on the Lebanese presidential issue we would've paid off all $45 billion of the Hariri debt and then had some left over to cover the sms voting costs to guarantee the next belly dance champion is 100% Lebanese . Alas all these opinions about the Lebanese presidential elections, from Bush and Sarkozy's to the cab drivers' in the streets of Port-au-Prince, are completely worthless. The only opinions that matter are those of Elie Beik Skaff and his colleagues in Parliament. No , Really! Not Fares Soueid nor Walid Mouallem, Not Mohammed Reza Shibani nor any of the French posse that has been dropping by non stop.

So naturally my opinion doesn't matter either. Not that I've given the issue much thought; especially since my man Skaff can't even run for president. It would save Lebanon a lot of trouble now and in the future if he were to be anointed president for life. Come to think of it he could be the compromise dude. The opposition would accept him because he is one of them, and the Hairirists would love his tendency to sell off property.

In any case I highly doubt they will select a president any time soon. Now Even IF they do pick a punching bag for president; NATO, the Arab League, and FIFA will never be able to agree on Imm Micho's replacement at the Ministry of social affairs.

Vat is it good for?

I've been meaning to write about the presidential selection but I've been waiting for at least one of the candidates to drop by my neck of the woods for a campaign stop. Alas it seems Beirut isn't that important in deciding the outcome of Lebanon's presidential selection. This makes the topic a little painful to talk about, so I end up opting for a less painful activity each time. For example today instead of blogging about the selection I'm getting a couple of teeth pulled.


Speaking of pulling teeth, and if you are a glutton for pain as I am, go read George Corm and Khaled Saghiye's takes on the numbers 6000 and 111%* off Siniora's balance sheet for the year 2005. But then again no one is complaining about these numbers. Not even he who called Harirism a hangman's noose.

Now what baffles me about this issues is that with the sectarian sandbags securing certain people unaccountable god status for generations, wouldn't they have more to steal if they actually allowed for the economy to grow a little? See we as people have proven that we don't care about being robbed clean, so any improvement in the 6000 would end up straight into the coffers that collect the 111%*.

* It's more than two Thirds and also more than 50%+1

Enough....

Everything that has occured over the past 6 weeks is passable. So what if we're having water shortages a few millennia after the assyrians built the first aqueduct system. Just phone the dude with the truck and the giant hose and you'll be able to rinse off the shampoo by mid afternoon. Fires eating through your passport and your hundred thou bill? Just phone the dude with the truck and the giant hose and he'll put it out just in time for the evening news. Presidential Elections not to your liking? Don't phone anyone for you know where the giant hose is gonna end up in this case.

But when Ghalayini's Man'ousheh becomes 500 Liras there is no place for silence. Enough already! Some heads must roll. Sure oil prices are pushing $100 a barrell. And we all know there is a direct corellation between that and man'ousheh cost since Brent's crude is a basic ingredient of Ghalayini's man'ousheh. Also don't underestimate the September 6th raid's effects on the supplies of the yellow cake zaatar used at this corner shop.

Still, for the price to double is a sign that a big economic crisis is looming. See, the average Lebanese worker works 15 hours a day to make ends meet, now if prices double and salaries remain constant like they have been for the past few decades; well this average working Lebanese will need to work 30 hours a day to cover basic expenses.

There's the big hose again.