Tuesday, May 30, 2006

White Summer

Lebanese Mating Season runs from late April until mid September, Thursday through Sunday of each week. The April early birds are those who make the decision to get hitched in winter but courteously wait for the felines to be done. Plus what kind of future would await a couple that doesn’t ride in a convertible during their wedding day honking motorcade? The September weddings are for the desperate. Those have definitely settled for their 10th choice at best.

A Lebanese wedding is more like a Bride’s obstacle course. The first challenge for a Bride-to-be is when a Suitable Suitor shows up, she has to drop everything (Studies, Boyfriends, etc…). If she fails this test, she’d be forever labeled as a Mfazlakeh.

Then comes “The Test” which all girls pass of course due to modern medical advances . Every thing else becomes secondary. Unless the suitable suitor is of a different suit. In that case the festivities get moved to Cyprus and some family members might bless the unholy union with Death Threats. Otherwise we’re good to go for the Wedding Day.

Fitting into the dress is a universal challenge, but the first big test on the Lebanese Wedding day is sticking the dough. A Bride must stick a piece of dough on the door of her house-to-be. That might sound easy, but she must do it while being carried on the shoulders of the groom and the perverted uncle who offers to help just so he can get an ass grab. If she fails then “Thanks for coming” the wedding is off.; no pressure.

Dough sticks? Then proceed with “I Do”s and the "Wililililililililiiish"s.
The make up challenge is the toughest of them all , no Lebanese Bride has been able to pass this test in the presence of Grandmothers. This one is not a deal breaker though.

After the reception, there is one more obstacle. Just when the bride thinks it’s all over and she’s finally going to get some , she is paraded around town in a loud scandalous honking motorcade to let everyone know someone is getting laid tonight.

Mazel Tov.

27 comments:

Eve said...

now i feel like going to a wedding and eating a cake. do i dare say "3a2belak"?

Kodder said...

lololol, funny post jamal :P.
you know what bothers me about weddings...
all your life you get sex without saying that I am doing it.
except on that day, everyone knows what you are doing at that moment :P.
and for some reason the next day everyone wants to know how it was...
you fucking perverts get your own wives :P.

so I decided that on my wedding night, I am not gonna have sex with my wife :P.
instead I am gonna convince her to swing with another couple.
haaa I bet no one would think about that :P.

Kata said...

Scaaaary!!!
Is that what mazmozelles have to go through to get hitched?!
No wonder they become bitter screaming nags once they finally get the 'madame' title...
No Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Actually, if your wedding party was a success, the last thing on your mind is having sex with your wife. I slept a full 16 hours after my wedding party. Party started at 7PM, and at 6AM the next day we had to start kicking people out.

Ramzi said...

Khida khatifeh...

Kodder said...

hmmm, fuck the wedding then :P.
I'll do a 15 mins wedding then tell the people to go home....
or... I have a better idea...
kick parents out, kick family out, keep friends with their gfs and have a big orgy :P.
so good wedding, good party, good sex :P. yay.
then off to hawaii :P.

laila said...

this was AWESOME

Laila said...

Reading about the 'test' which the result is sooo important here in Iran as well, I recalled a joke:

When having sex, American girls say:" Oh, yeeees,....!. Germans say:" Oh, yaaaaaa,....!" And Iranian girls say:" Don't tell anybody!"

Here, having sex before marriage still is a very big taboo. In big cities and among younger generation, this has changed to some extent, but I think after the Revolution, many things have gone backward- like this. About wedding and how a terrible headache it is, I need to have another post. :)

Mustapha said...

Hey, well at least you are able to do it in the privacy of your room, and without the groom's parents showing up the next morning demanding to see the blood-stained bed sheet as a proof of the girl's spotless past (spot the the irony)

I think the idea of the couple having sex with everyone waiting outside to hear the good news (some people even used to do it during the wedding under a big sheet ) is FRIGHTENING! so ma3lesh, in that light, our ways are half-cooked. Just the way i like'em...

PS: speaking of which, you might be hearing good news from me pretty soon :)

Zanzounito said...

may God bless you with a wife!!! hehe

أمل said...

Mazel Tov?

Hmmm ...

Are you frequently visiting the south borders?

Laila said...

AND we have the same tradition of blood-stained sheet. In some parts of the country the 'incident' is like this: All the groom's relatives sit around a room and somebody from the bride's family brings the 'document' to be witnessed by them. Don't think you have all the ignorance and stupidity piled at your side. We share it!

Laila said...

AND we have the same tradition of blood-stained sheet. In some parts of the country the 'incident' is like this: All the groom's relatives sit around a room and somebody from the bride's family brings the 'document' to be witnessed by them. Don't think you have all the ignorance and stupidity piled at your side. We share it!

Vox P. said...

May God spare you a wife or a husband, especially a Lebanese one.

Vox P. said...

"I think the idea of the couple having sex with everyone waiting outside to hear the good news (some people even used to do it during the wedding under a big sheet ) is FRIGHTENING! so ma3lesh, in that light, our ways are half-cooked. Just the way i like'em..."

Excuse my ignorance, but you're joking right?

Laila said...

He he he, I don't think Mustapha means that the couple are going to have sex with everyone waiting outside...He means that the couple are having sex AND the people are waiting there to HEAR the news. :))
Hey Mustapha, read your words once again; it can make a funny confusion. :))

Laila said...

He he he, I don't think Mustapha means that the couple are going to have sex with everyone waiting outside...He means that the couple are having sex AND the people are waiting there to HEAR the news. :))
Hey Mustapha, read your words once again; it can make a funny confusion. :))

Laila said...

Hey Mustapha! Read once again what you have written. VOX P. thinks that the couple are going to have sex with all the people waiting outside under a big sheet.... :))) Frightening indeed...Confusing either...he he he....a group sex right on the wedding night....:)

Laila said...

Sorry, the blogger is confused and it made me to publish this three times...May be it has been among those under the big sheet...... :))

Mustapha said...

Thx leila, now i see the confusion :)

But come on vox, you know me, do i sound like someone who enjoys sex during a wedding?

Laila said...

To Jamal and all Lebanese friend out there,

Do you have any tradition of sending dowry with the brides to their house-to-be? If yes, do the grooms promise to give money (I mean a huuuuuuuuuge money)if the divorce happens or even before that? I don't know what can be the English term for it- if they ever have it at all.

Mustapha said...

we have it.

it's called "al mou2akkhar". it's an islamic duty of the man that is the most important priority in Shariaa.

So if the man dies, the mou2akkhar is given to the woman the first thing even if he has other debts.

The Mou2akkhar can sometimes be in the millions of dollars.

Jamal said...

Thanks to all the well wishers. I'm sure "someone" is gonna be very appreciative of your words of encouragement.

Bou Stef: Mabrouk, how soon? will you be celebrating father's Day in 2007?

Laila- there is also a "Gold Lira" that the bride wouldn't leave her parents house before she receives.

Laila said...

We call it "Mehriye" in Iran and the amount can be thousands of dollars, even for very ordinary people of low income strata (a few hundred dollars per month). In the past, it was requested when the divorce happened, but nowadays it is changing to an odd phenomemnon. According Iranian law (which is based on the holy Sharia') the men have to pay it whenever the women request it. Now, the newest achievement is that we have many men in jail just because they can't pay the Mehriye. As Iranian law is terribly discriminative against women, Mehriye is the mere weapon in the hands of Iranian women to assert on their rights. One of the cases of disputes is always children:" Give me the children. Then I won't request any Mehriye. If not, go to jail........".
Have you heard the song:" Pay me my money down, pey me or go to jail, pay me money down!"? :)

Laila said...

We call it "Mehriye" in Iran and the amount can be thousands of dollars, even for very ordinary people of low income strata (a few hundred dollars per month). In the past, it was requested when the divorce happened, but nowadays it is changing to an odd phenomemnon. According Iranian law (which is based on the holy Sharia') the men have to pay it whenever the women request it. Now, the newest achievement is that we have many men in jail just because they can't pay the Mehriye. As Iranian law is terribly discriminative against women, Mehriye is the mere weapon in the hands of Iranian women to assert on their rights. One of the cases of disputes is always children:" Give me the children. Then I won't request any Mehriye. If not, go to jail........".
Have you heard the song:" Pay me my money down, pey me or go to jail, pay me money down!"? :)

the perpetual refugee said...

Jamal, as always articulate and twisted. Just the way it should be.

Likheim

Anonymous said...

Very pretty design! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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