The word here is that U.S. Ambassador Jeffrey Feltman was just forced out of LAU-Beirut campus by a student protest. I just heard the screaming and saw the embassy cars speed away. I will confirm or deny this report once I get more details.
If this is true, Feltman would go down as the first person in the History of this esteemed university to be refused admittance.
UPDATE:
It seems Feltman's team outwitted the LAU students and made it to his scheduled event .
Here's what some witnesses said.
Student #1: "I saw some people protesting. I didn't know what they were protesting, but I joined them."
Student #2: "I saw some people protesting. I didn't know what they were protesting. I wanted to join them, but I realized it was all guys, so I skipped it."
Student #3(My sister): "Huh? What? Why? I was sleeping in class and heard some noise."
Student #4: "We showed the Americans!.... that they can't come in through this gate unless they push us out of the way."
Jeffrey Feltman: "Democracy."
Monday, March 27, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Must not see kiss TV
Dubai is like so cool. You can ski indoors, Tiger Woods tees off off a helipad for a nominal fee, and Michael Jackson moonlimps in its malls.
Dubai is so modern, open minded, and tolerant that it censors Friends, Raymond, and Frasier. Oh, that vile pornography that is Frasier. Everybody Loves Raymond just don't demonstrate it. They have weird standards though, I mean Ray and Deborah can be seen in bed together but they can't kiss. Monica and Chandler are not even allowed in the bedroom until they get married. Rachel and Ross are always on a break. Joey is a virgin.
So a kiss is bad. Unless ..... it is planted on the Emir's schnozz. Then, it would be on TV all day.
Des goûts et des couleurs....
Dubai is so modern, open minded, and tolerant that it censors Friends, Raymond, and Frasier. Oh, that vile pornography that is Frasier. Everybody Loves Raymond just don't demonstrate it. They have weird standards though, I mean Ray and Deborah can be seen in bed together but they can't kiss. Monica and Chandler are not even allowed in the bedroom until they get married. Rachel and Ross are always on a break. Joey is a virgin.
So a kiss is bad. Unless ..... it is planted on the Emir's schnozz. Then, it would be on TV all day.
Des goûts et des couleurs....
Friday, March 24, 2006
Inta Meen?
Titles are all the rage in this country. It would be blasphemous to be called by the Title your loving parents spent a lot of time and energy researching and carefully selecting to fit you. (This doesn't apply to our Shia brethren. Your name was chosen by a coin flip. Heads=Hussein/Fatmeh. Tails=Ali/Zainab.)
You don't really have to earn a title to claim it. As soon as you set foot in a hospital you'll be known as Doctor, even if you're a male nurse. Grab a mike and show some tits and you're an Artist . Grab a Mike, Show Tits, and Shake them and you're a Star Artist. Grab a Mike , Show Tits, and Shake them when you're pushing 100, and you're a legend.
Write the obits in the paper and you're a Philosopher. Go to Saudi Arabia and you'll be christened as Hajj. If your great great great^100 grandfather died in Karbala, you are a Sayyed. Coincidentally if you die in Karbala today you are collateral damage. Things aren't what they used to be. On that subject, if your grandfather used to toss Turkish salad you are a Beik or a Mir, these days if you toss Turkish salad, you're a Fag.
So what happens when you merge 2 political parties with 2 different presidents? Does one of them, God forbid, lose his title? Of course they both stay as president, you just tag one of them High President.
The more titles you have, the better person you are. So naturally a man who is a General, a President, a Zaeem, a Parliamentarian, and a Midget makes the best candidate for the highest office in the country.
Let's not forget the King of Taouk and the Sheikh of Shawarma, it sure beats sandwich wrapper.
So How many titles can you claim?
You don't really have to earn a title to claim it. As soon as you set foot in a hospital you'll be known as Doctor, even if you're a male nurse. Grab a mike and show some tits and you're an Artist . Grab a Mike, Show Tits, and Shake them and you're a Star Artist. Grab a Mike , Show Tits, and Shake them when you're pushing 100, and you're a legend.
Write the obits in the paper and you're a Philosopher. Go to Saudi Arabia and you'll be christened as Hajj. If your great great great^100 grandfather died in Karbala, you are a Sayyed. Coincidentally if you die in Karbala today you are collateral damage. Things aren't what they used to be. On that subject, if your grandfather used to toss Turkish salad you are a Beik or a Mir, these days if you toss Turkish salad, you're a Fag.
So what happens when you merge 2 political parties with 2 different presidents? Does one of them, God forbid, lose his title? Of course they both stay as president, you just tag one of them High President.
The more titles you have, the better person you are. So naturally a man who is a General, a President, a Zaeem, a Parliamentarian, and a Midget makes the best candidate for the highest office in the country.
Let's not forget the King of Taouk and the Sheikh of Shawarma, it sure beats sandwich wrapper.
So How many titles can you claim?
Time to Retire this poll
Final Results of the Inta/Inti Shou Poll show that: internet polls are not reliable.
P.S. Well it does also show that the Lebanese are way underrepresented in the Lebanese Parliament.
P.S. Well it does also show that the Lebanese are way underrepresented in the Lebanese Parliament.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Cab Driver Conspiracy du Jour
If you're ever bored and looking for good cheap entertainment in Beirut, just jump in a cab. Once I rode with the improvisational poetry champion on "Almumayazoun", another time I had a driver fall asleep at the wheel. Of course there is the regular fight on where the drop off point is. Also, always be ready for the indecisive driver who tells you to get in and then changes his mind half way to your destination and just tells you to get out. This one time I got in a cab in Hamra to Downtown, I get into my newspaper when bubba decided he doesn't like downtown anymore and asks me to get out. I had no idea where I was , after a few inquiries it turns out I was in El Basta. Wait, I was closer to Downtown when I got in the Cab.
... and there are always the political conspiracy theories.
Today as we passed in front of the Saudi Embassy and saw the heavy security presence there, I was let in on this little secret:
"Russia was behind 9-11 and all the terrorism attacks against U.S. and their allies. They can't compete with the U.S. cleanly so they are doing it thuggishly. Now the Russians want to sabotage Lebanon because we are getting closer to the U.S. and that son of a bitch Aoun is their man here."
Shhhh.... Don't tell anyone.
... and there are always the political conspiracy theories.
Today as we passed in front of the Saudi Embassy and saw the heavy security presence there, I was let in on this little secret:
"Russia was behind 9-11 and all the terrorism attacks against U.S. and their allies. They can't compete with the U.S. cleanly so they are doing it thuggishly. Now the Russians want to sabotage Lebanon because we are getting closer to the U.S. and that son of a bitch Aoun is their man here."
Shhhh.... Don't tell anyone.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Happy Mother's Day
Just a quick post about my Mom.
My mom is a huge fan of Lebanese proverbs, she has read all of Salam El Rasi's books on the subject. Not only does she have a phrase for every situation, she also has the history and origin of the phrase.
But my favorite of Imm Jamal's proverbs is not published in any books. At least, I don't think it is.
Whenever one of us disagrees or argues with her, she drops at us this gem.
"بعد ناقص, بيطلع من طيزو و بيقلّو بع "
a rough translation would be:
"Comes out of your ass and tells you Boo!"
Happy Mother's day and بع !
My mom is a huge fan of Lebanese proverbs, she has read all of Salam El Rasi's books on the subject. Not only does she have a phrase for every situation, she also has the history and origin of the phrase.
But my favorite of Imm Jamal's proverbs is not published in any books. At least, I don't think it is.
Whenever one of us disagrees or argues with her, she drops at us this gem.
"بعد ناقص, بيطلع من طيزو و بيقلّو بع "
a rough translation would be:
"Comes out of your ass and tells you Boo!"
Happy Mother's day and بع !
Sunday, March 19, 2006
The Chosque
The Omari is a downton Beirut mosque with a nave and an apse (the only 2 possible answers for the New York Times Crossword puzzle clue: Church section.) Now try to keep up with me, this site is a Roman temple burried under a Byzantine church turned Memluki mosque, turned cathedral turned mosque again, recently expanded or rather ruined with a modern expansion, oh and by the way it houses one arm belonging to John the Baptist and one hair belonging to Prophet Mohammad's scalp. The hair was stolen during the (un)civil war, but if you ask me wouldn't an extra arm be more useful in a fight than a hair?
Now here's my crazy suggestion. Wouldn't it be fucking awesome if they had Friday Prayers AND Sunday mass at the Omari Mosque/St. John's Church? That would fully capture the history of the place and show the National unity we so badly want. Heck I might even attend. Ok Ok, I'm getting carried away now.
To be even more accurate to the history of the place, we can throw Bacchusian orgies in the den. Now, that's the Lebanon we all brag about; right there smacked in the middle of Downtown Beirut under the layers of the Omari.
Now here's my crazy suggestion. Wouldn't it be fucking awesome if they had Friday Prayers AND Sunday mass at the Omari Mosque/St. John's Church? That would fully capture the history of the place and show the National unity we so badly want. Heck I might even attend. Ok Ok, I'm getting carried away now.
To be even more accurate to the history of the place, we can throw Bacchusian orgies in the den. Now, that's the Lebanon we all brag about; right there smacked in the middle of Downtown Beirut under the layers of the Omari.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Muhammad Ali Interview
It is probably illegal to do this without parental consent, but I'm willing to take the risk seeing how the esteemed Minister of Social Affairs is willing to use children for political gains. By the way about that presidency, Dream on Nayla. Next time you are hoping to look presidential, do not show the world that a 10 year old kid is a lot more articulate than you. Ok, enough ranting.
Muhammad Ali is a 12 years old Shoe shiner in Hamra.
J: How old are you?
MA: 12.
J: Where are you from?
MA: I'm from Nawar el Debbane in Tripoli.
J: When did you move to Beirut?
MA: When my dad died 4 years ago.
J: Where's your mom?
MA: Home with my younger brothers.
J: How many brothers?
MA: 1 Brother, 2 Sisters.
J: Do they work too?
MA: No, I support the family.
I noticed him looking at what I'm writing.
J: Do you read and write?
MA: I left school in 2nd grade. So I know a few words.
J: How do people treat you on the street?
MA: Good, only once they beat me up because they thought I was Syrian, but when I told them I'm from Tripoli they let me go.
J: And the Cops?
MA: Once they took me to the Makhfar, and my mom came and took me home.
J: How's the shoe shining business?
MA: It's enough to buy food for the family, do you want me to steal instead?
J: Nope, not at all. How much do you charge?
MA: 500LL-1,500LL
J: And if the customer is Saudi?
MA: (Smirking) 3,000-5,000LL. Sometimes 10,000.
J: Do women shine their shoes too?
MA: Once a woman shined her big boots.
J: Did you peak up her skirt?
MA: Nooo, she was wearing pants.
J: Who's a better shoe shiner, you or that old geezer sitting over there?
MA: I don't know, I try my best.
J: Do you use Boya Creme Boffalo Lamma3?
MA: What's that?
J: I guess you really aren't Syrian.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
MA:I wanna make teeth like my dad used to.
J:Make Teeth?
MA: Yes, when people lose their teeth they replace them with Teeth made of platinum, my mom is teaching me how to make them.
J: What do you do after work?
MA: I play Goal with my friends.
J: Are you good?
MA: Yes, I play with the Gebalia team in Sabra.
J: What's your favorite team?
MA: Brazil.
J: Well, mine is Italy , khallas we can't talk anymore.
Muhammad Ali is a 12 years old Shoe shiner in Hamra.
J: How old are you?
MA: 12.
J: Where are you from?
MA: I'm from Nawar el Debbane in Tripoli.
J: When did you move to Beirut?
MA: When my dad died 4 years ago.
J: Where's your mom?
MA: Home with my younger brothers.
J: How many brothers?
MA: 1 Brother, 2 Sisters.
J: Do they work too?
MA: No, I support the family.
I noticed him looking at what I'm writing.
J: Do you read and write?
MA: I left school in 2nd grade. So I know a few words.
J: How do people treat you on the street?
MA: Good, only once they beat me up because they thought I was Syrian, but when I told them I'm from Tripoli they let me go.
J: And the Cops?
MA: Once they took me to the Makhfar, and my mom came and took me home.
J: How's the shoe shining business?
MA: It's enough to buy food for the family, do you want me to steal instead?
J: Nope, not at all. How much do you charge?
MA: 500LL-1,500LL
J: And if the customer is Saudi?
MA: (Smirking) 3,000-5,000LL. Sometimes 10,000.
J: Do women shine their shoes too?
MA: Once a woman shined her big boots.
J: Did you peak up her skirt?
MA: Nooo, she was wearing pants.
J: Who's a better shoe shiner, you or that old geezer sitting over there?
MA: I don't know, I try my best.
J: Do you use Boya Creme Boffalo Lamma3?
MA: What's that?
J: I guess you really aren't Syrian.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
MA:I wanna make teeth like my dad used to.
J:Make Teeth?
MA: Yes, when people lose their teeth they replace them with Teeth made of platinum, my mom is teaching me how to make them.
J: What do you do after work?
MA: I play Goal with my friends.
J: Are you good?
MA: Yes, I play with the Gebalia team in Sabra.
J: What's your favorite team?
MA: Brazil.
J: Well, mine is Italy , khallas we can't talk anymore.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Health Update
I'm sure a lot of you are losing sleep wondering how our favorite comatose man of peace is doing?
Well, I'll gladly put you to sleep.
He's still in a coma, but on the Bright side he's been shitting and wetting himself for over 3 months now, he hasn't killed anyone over that same period, and his inability to swallow has made him lose a lot of weight. He's actually looking quite sexy.
Well, I'll gladly put you to sleep.
He's still in a coma, but on the Bright side he's been shitting and wetting himself for over 3 months now, he hasn't killed anyone over that same period, and his inability to swallow has made him lose a lot of weight. He's actually looking quite sexy.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Greenpeace
I've always seen these enthusiastic young activists working the streets all over the world. I must admit I've always escaped their tentacles, sometimes rather rudely. So after almost two years of breathing clean Beirut air I decided maybe these kids deserve a couple of minutes of my time. After all Green is good and so is Peace.
So walking by their territory like I do almost daily, and just like clockwork this dude pounced on me. This time I didn't slither away and I think this dude was caught by surprise. Dude must've been shocked someone was eager to talk to him.
Dude ran through his script on how cool the environment is, and kept throwing at me questions that could only be answered with an approving nod.
-Do you breathe air?
-Do you like little birds?
-Do you want your kids to be born with a head?
-Do you hate one or both of our neighboring countries?
Dude is good, I couldn't disagree with anything he said. Dude whisked me away to a green heaven I was ready to marry Dude. Then he asks me for my bank account plus routing number. What the Heck!
Ohhh, I get it now, and all this time I thought Green stood for the environment. Stupid me.
So walking by their territory like I do almost daily, and just like clockwork this dude pounced on me. This time I didn't slither away and I think this dude was caught by surprise. Dude must've been shocked someone was eager to talk to him.
Dude ran through his script on how cool the environment is, and kept throwing at me questions that could only be answered with an approving nod.
-Do you breathe air?
-Do you like little birds?
-Do you want your kids to be born with a head?
-Do you hate one or both of our neighboring countries?
Dude is good, I couldn't disagree with anything he said. Dude whisked me away to a green heaven I was ready to marry Dude. Then he asks me for my bank account plus routing number. What the Heck!
Ohhh, I get it now, and all this time I thought Green stood for the environment. Stupid me.
Monday, March 13, 2006
The Dialogue Farms
And they're off.... Again.
The nation's top horses are back in top form. Only the best pure thoroughbreds are present as no Bghal (mules) are allowed in this round stable.
The top priority, actually the only issue, is the farms. Naturally, that's the only thing on a horse mind.
Meanwhile; we, The People, are just hoarse whores.
The nation's top horses are back in top form. Only the best pure thoroughbreds are present as no Bghal (mules) are allowed in this round stable.
The top priority, actually the only issue, is the farms. Naturally, that's the only thing on a horse mind.
Meanwhile; we, The People, are just hoarse whores.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
YO Jimbo!
Advice Guru Jimbo was swamped with questions (One) since he offered his FREE services. Feel free to swamp him some more.
L Jord wrote:
Yo Jimbo
I'm writing because I'm in a real quandry here and I need your help.
Every since childhood, ive been betrothed to Jorda Nia. It's an arranged marriage and loveless.we used to at least tolerate each other and maybe even have a friendship, but now its just contempt.I really cant stand who shes become.she's so desperate to be in the "IN" club.
Her arm pits used to smell like Zhour Al-Wadi and now she's into Diesel. We used to pay for stuff in cash, now its American Express.She's gone from Santa Cruz goddess worshipping hothead paisan dyke to Miami lipstick lesbian in an LA minute.She'll go all the way for anyone who flashes a little bit of green.
the truth is, ive been having an affair with the girl next door (Lubna N.) who is wild and nothing but trouble.she is completely non-monogomous with no hope of settling down in the future.im not jealous of the other girls or boys, i just want to be number one.We used to have a thing going on in the 90's and i thought it was over.i ran into her again in november (i admit *blush* i went out of my way to "bump into her") in the middle east and it was magic once again.she had zaatar between her teeth from eating a man'ouche but all i could see was the mediterranean in her eyes.i havent been able to put her out of my mind.i could live and die in her arms.
Should i leave my landlocked loveless relationship and set sail through treacherous and fiery seas in the hope of reaching her elusive shore?Is my provincial love the Excalibur to her stone cold city heart? or should i play it safe and stay?Im scared its all been a fantasy that will disappear like vapour the minute things "get real"...she does have a wild temperament and i could risk everything and loose it all.
I need your help Jimbo.
help put the euro back in my arabe.
JIMBO's Reply:
YO L. Jord
Thanks for your letter,
You have quite a dilemma. I see that a GAP-dressed Starbucks-sipping sugar momma has robbed Jorda Nia of her innocence. The bright lights of fame, and the promises of a care free life can lead a confused young dreamer astray. Fear not for her though as this experience will help her mature, as this conniving bitch she's been fooling around with is quite savvy and experienced. Jorda Nia should learn a trick or two that will wow you in your next encounter, that is assuming she's not a retard which is a quite common condition in the region.
As for your affair, you are probably attracted to Lubna N.'s schizophrenia. Being with a schizophrenic gives you the joy of an orgy without the jealousy factor. She's been slacking on her medication though, and currently her multiple personalities are attracted to a couple of bad apples: Jorda Nia's same sugar momma (told you she was a slut) and a badass loud mouthed distant cousin, Percy A. Those two lovers don't exactly see eye to eye and might start some scratching and hair pulling soon.
So before you dive back into Lubna's lap, make sure she's back to her regular pill popping that takes her to her own special world away from these odious influences.
Regards,
Jimbo
L Jord wrote:
Yo Jimbo
I'm writing because I'm in a real quandry here and I need your help.
Every since childhood, ive been betrothed to Jorda Nia. It's an arranged marriage and loveless.we used to at least tolerate each other and maybe even have a friendship, but now its just contempt.I really cant stand who shes become.she's so desperate to be in the "IN" club.
Her arm pits used to smell like Zhour Al-Wadi and now she's into Diesel. We used to pay for stuff in cash, now its American Express.She's gone from Santa Cruz goddess worshipping hothead paisan dyke to Miami lipstick lesbian in an LA minute.She'll go all the way for anyone who flashes a little bit of green.
the truth is, ive been having an affair with the girl next door (Lubna N.) who is wild and nothing but trouble.she is completely non-monogomous with no hope of settling down in the future.im not jealous of the other girls or boys, i just want to be number one.We used to have a thing going on in the 90's and i thought it was over.i ran into her again in november (i admit *blush* i went out of my way to "bump into her") in the middle east and it was magic once again.she had zaatar between her teeth from eating a man'ouche but all i could see was the mediterranean in her eyes.i havent been able to put her out of my mind.i could live and die in her arms.
Should i leave my landlocked loveless relationship and set sail through treacherous and fiery seas in the hope of reaching her elusive shore?Is my provincial love the Excalibur to her stone cold city heart? or should i play it safe and stay?Im scared its all been a fantasy that will disappear like vapour the minute things "get real"...she does have a wild temperament and i could risk everything and loose it all.
I need your help Jimbo.
help put the euro back in my arabe.
JIMBO's Reply:
YO L. Jord
Thanks for your letter,
You have quite a dilemma. I see that a GAP-dressed Starbucks-sipping sugar momma has robbed Jorda Nia of her innocence. The bright lights of fame, and the promises of a care free life can lead a confused young dreamer astray. Fear not for her though as this experience will help her mature, as this conniving bitch she's been fooling around with is quite savvy and experienced. Jorda Nia should learn a trick or two that will wow you in your next encounter, that is assuming she's not a retard which is a quite common condition in the region.
As for your affair, you are probably attracted to Lubna N.'s schizophrenia. Being with a schizophrenic gives you the joy of an orgy without the jealousy factor. She's been slacking on her medication though, and currently her multiple personalities are attracted to a couple of bad apples: Jorda Nia's same sugar momma (told you she was a slut) and a badass loud mouthed distant cousin, Percy A. Those two lovers don't exactly see eye to eye and might start some scratching and hair pulling soon.
So before you dive back into Lubna's lap, make sure she's back to her regular pill popping that takes her to her own special world away from these odious influences.
Regards,
Jimbo
Thursday, March 09, 2006
One More Week
You've been warned. If you wish to drive drunk make sure you do it before next Thursday.
Seriously though, the ISF deserves credit for their traffic safety campaign. Bravo!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
March
We've been promised an eventful March regionally and locally, and so far I can't say anything but that it has lived up to expectations.
Locally, and I will only look locally because that's all I care about, we had a little get-together downtown. Well, it has failed (YESS!!) and now the Blame Propaganda machine is out in full force. Both teams are digging deep to try to come up with as much ammunition against the other team as they can. But do they really need it?
Future's Newscaster could just say "Cheese!" for 30 minutes, and that group will blame Nasrallah for everything that went or will go wrong.
Almanar's dude could shave his balls on air at 7:30 and you'll hear the people say the next day,"Did you see that! It's all Jumblatt's fault!"
On the bright side, this was just the appetizers. Starting next week the juicy steak will be served. There is still however that pesky Monday session that could starve us from the Truthsssssss.
Locally, and I will only look locally because that's all I care about, we had a little get-together downtown. Well, it has failed (YESS!!) and now the Blame Propaganda machine is out in full force. Both teams are digging deep to try to come up with as much ammunition against the other team as they can. But do they really need it?
Future's Newscaster could just say "Cheese!" for 30 minutes, and that group will blame Nasrallah for everything that went or will go wrong.
Almanar's dude could shave his balls on air at 7:30 and you'll hear the people say the next day,"Did you see that! It's all Jumblatt's fault!"
On the bright side, this was just the appetizers. Starting next week the juicy steak will be served. There is still however that pesky Monday session that could starve us from the Truthsssssss.
Let's Go to the Movies
3 of 5 Movies nominated for the Best picture Oscar will not be shown in Lebanese movie theaters.* One for Homophobia, one for Zionophobia, and one for Islamopyrophobia.
I have zero interest in watching Movie #1, not that there's anything wrong with that. Movie #2 seems to paint the Mossad as a bunch of Mother Teresas (the actual Mother Teresa Movie is showing now at Circuit Empire), so I think I'll pass on that one(and i'll pass on the actual Mother Teresa one for that matter).
I would watch #3 because I enjoyed "Traffic" and good conspiracy theories are always entertaining.
So... Let's go to the Bootleg DVD shops.
I love Lebanon.
*Ok I messed up, so let's all assume Syriana was nominated for Best Pic.
I have zero interest in watching Movie #1, not that there's anything wrong with that. Movie #2 seems to paint the Mossad as a bunch of Mother Teresas (the actual Mother Teresa Movie is showing now at Circuit Empire), so I think I'll pass on that one(and i'll pass on the actual Mother Teresa one for that matter).
I would watch #3 because I enjoyed "Traffic" and good conspiracy theories are always entertaining.
So... Let's go to the Bootleg DVD shops.
I love Lebanon.
*Ok I messed up, so let's all assume Syriana was nominated for Best Pic.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Sausage Fest Day 4
I went downtown to get a glimpse of the action., and this is how it went:
Soldier #1: May I frisk you and squeeze your butt?
Me: Sure, since you asked so nicely.
A few meters later.
Soldier #2: May I frisk you and squeeze your butt?
Me: Do I have a choice?
A few meters down the road.
Soldier #3: May I frisk you and squeeze your butt?
Ok, when I called this thing a sausage fest I had no clue the extent of it, but I made it to downtown and what a pleasant place it is when there no cars or people around. You can actually hear birds chirping these days in Downtown Beirut. I say turn the whole place into a bird sanctuary, it will definitely be more profitable than the office business activity that is going on there.
I visited my boy at 3ezz Cafe for a coffee shot and I noticed that there are a lot of bored young army dudes horsing around with automatic assault rifles in their hands. A Very comforting sight; but at least these didn't frisk me and squeeze my butt.
There is nothing else to report since they made me take an oath not to leak anything, but I did notice some odd activity that needs to be mentioned. I saw an American looking dude that seems to share the same barber and optician with Drew Carey with a stethoscope against the wall of the parliament building. I just found that a tad odd.
Soldier #1: May I frisk you and squeeze your butt?
Me: Sure, since you asked so nicely.
A few meters later.
Soldier #2: May I frisk you and squeeze your butt?
Me: Do I have a choice?
A few meters down the road.
Soldier #3: May I frisk you and squeeze your butt?
Ok, when I called this thing a sausage fest I had no clue the extent of it, but I made it to downtown and what a pleasant place it is when there no cars or people around. You can actually hear birds chirping these days in Downtown Beirut. I say turn the whole place into a bird sanctuary, it will definitely be more profitable than the office business activity that is going on there.
I visited my boy at 3ezz Cafe for a coffee shot and I noticed that there are a lot of bored young army dudes horsing around with automatic assault rifles in their hands. A Very comforting sight; but at least these didn't frisk me and squeeze my butt.
There is nothing else to report since they made me take an oath not to leak anything, but I did notice some odd activity that needs to be mentioned. I saw an American looking dude that seems to share the same barber and optician with Drew Carey with a stethoscope against the wall of the parliament building. I just found that a tad odd.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
From Lebanon IIIIIIII
The Shibr
The world has chosen the metric system as standard. The U.S. wants to stick to the retarded English system because they're cool that way. Plus the terrorists use the metric system , are you with Us or are you with the terrorists?
In Lebanon we've replaced rulers, odometers, and GPS systems with a God given measuring tool. It is a standard everyone can relate to. No one can visualize what 17 centimeters might look like, but even a blind man (or woman) can feel a shibr. There are no centishibrs or nanoshibrs and all the confusing scientific mumbo jumbo. The shibr is only divisible in half.
Some might argue the Shibr has limitations.
Here's proof that adopting the Shibr as your measuring standard does not stop you from building high rises, but rather saves you machinery and manpower. I do suspect however that there was a Lebanese architect on the lose in Tuscany using the Shibr sometime in the 13th century.
My favorite use of shibr is a linguistic one used to further belittle a little person. This is demonstrated in the following statement:
"هيدا واحد زمكّ, ما بيطلع طولو شبر ونص"
"This a zmeck, his height is not even a Shibr and a half."
The Shibr; another handful of tradition from Lebanon.
The world has chosen the metric system as standard. The U.S. wants to stick to the retarded English system because they're cool that way. Plus the terrorists use the metric system , are you with Us or are you with the terrorists?
In Lebanon we've replaced rulers, odometers, and GPS systems with a God given measuring tool. It is a standard everyone can relate to. No one can visualize what 17 centimeters might look like, but even a blind man (or woman) can feel a shibr. There are no centishibrs or nanoshibrs and all the confusing scientific mumbo jumbo. The shibr is only divisible in half.
Some might argue the Shibr has limitations.
Here's proof that adopting the Shibr as your measuring standard does not stop you from building high rises, but rather saves you machinery and manpower. I do suspect however that there was a Lebanese architect on the lose in Tuscany using the Shibr sometime in the 13th century.
My favorite use of shibr is a linguistic one used to further belittle a little person. This is demonstrated in the following statement:
"هيدا واحد زمكّ, ما بيطلع طولو شبر ونص"
"This a zmeck, his height is not even a Shibr and a half."
The Shibr; another handful of tradition from Lebanon.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Ashrafieh, Bourj Hammoud, Dhahieh or Ras Beirut?
A little multiple choice quiz to test your knowledge of Greater Beirut. The answer is either:
a.) Ashrafieh.
b.) Bourj Hammoud.
c.) Dhahieh.
d.) Ras Beirut.
1.) Jaafarian Carpets?
2.) Beydoun Mosque?
3.) Pain D'Or?
4.) Patisserie Cremino?
5.) Electric Company?
6.) Electric Service?
7.) Free Electricity?
8.) Movie Theaters?
9.) Adel Imam Movie Theaters?
10.) Lebanon First?
Your Score:
8-10 The Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria
4-7 Abou Merhi Cruise
0-3 The Titanic
Answers: 1-D, 2-A, 3-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (and they all suck), 4-C, 5-B, 6-D, 7-C, 8-A, 9-D, 10-None of the Above
a.) Ashrafieh.
b.) Bourj Hammoud.
c.) Dhahieh.
d.) Ras Beirut.
1.) Jaafarian Carpets?
2.) Beydoun Mosque?
3.) Pain D'Or?
4.) Patisserie Cremino?
5.) Electric Company?
6.) Electric Service?
7.) Free Electricity?
8.) Movie Theaters?
9.) Adel Imam Movie Theaters?
10.) Lebanon First?
Your Score:
8-10 The Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria
4-7 Abou Merhi Cruise
0-3 The Titanic
Answers: 1-D, 2-A, 3-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (and they all suck), 4-C, 5-B, 6-D, 7-C, 8-A, 9-D, 10-None of the Above
Friday, March 03, 2006
Sausage Fest- Day 2
Idiotic Sexist Quote of the Day by a Wise War Criminal Doctor Wannabe President.
"كل شي احلى عالطبيعة، الا الستّات"
Translation:
"Everything is prettier au naturelle, except the ladies."
Only a sick demented war criminal would prefer a painted blow up doll to a woman.
Way to go, Bubba, it's the couch for you tonight.
"كل شي احلى عالطبيعة، الا الستّات"
Translation:
"Everything is prettier au naturelle, except the ladies."
Only a sick demented war criminal would prefer a painted blow up doll to a woman.
Way to go, Bubba, it's the couch for you tonight.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Lebanese Sausage Fest - Day 1
Where are the women at?
What sort of national dialogue excludes half of the nation?
You want to hear something funny? Technically, the person representing me at the round table is Elie Skaff.
I can rest assured my voice(well, an incomprehensible mumbling noise) will be heard.
In 2 or 3 days, this conference will be declared a success by most because they will name who will be democratically elected as President, they will declare Syria a friend, and Israel an enemy.
"مطرح ما خري شنقوه" I'm not sure this saying makes any logical sense, but I feel it fits this situation.
Here are questions that should be on the agenda but aren't:
What sort of national dialogue excludes half of the nation?
You want to hear something funny? Technically, the person representing me at the round table is Elie Skaff.
I can rest assured my voice(well, an incomprehensible mumbling noise) will be heard.
In 2 or 3 days, this conference will be declared a success by most because they will name who will be democratically elected as President, they will declare Syria a friend, and Israel an enemy.
"مطرح ما خري شنقوه" I'm not sure this saying makes any logical sense, but I feel it fits this situation.
Here are questions that should be on the agenda but aren't:
- Isteez, Thanks for hosting this event, You da man. Now where was the South Council's money spent? Oh, you spent it under duress from a Randa just like some people were coerced to vote a certain way. Ok, that's fair.
- Hajj, how will Beirut 1 save us, throw me some figures, I'm pretty good with numbers? The government should handle it behind closed doors, because you don't want to burden the people with more financial worries than they already have. How noble.
- Mahsoubak, the slogans are all nice and pretty, but what is your strategic plan? Lebanon First, Lebanon First, Lebanon First.
- Sayyed, what do you have against Dabke and Fayrouz? So fighting Zionsim and Imperialism is a priority, but why do we all have to wear black.
- General, you are accused of being stubborn, can you accept compromise? As long as it is like the Pierre Dakkash compromise.
- Beik, smoke, snort, or shoot? All of the above, that explains a lot.
- Doc, Why is the presidency yours? Sorry, put your gun down, I was just kidding.
- Sheikh, Why is the presidency yours? Yeah, I think it's pretty clear you kiss everyone's cheeks.
- Mr. President, your presidential term between 1982 and 1988 was one of the worst 6 year stretches in the history of Lebanon, aren't you ashamed to show your face? No.
- Mr. Tuweini, Mr. Tuweini, Mr. Tuweini!
- Agop, I know there is no gender differentiation in the Armenian language, but how hard is it to call a dude a dude , and a chick a chick? You do it on purpose just to fuck with people. I like it.
- Mr. Murr, Mr. Safadi, and Mr. Saad, you know you're just here to make the table look full?
- Mr. Skaff, can you spell CAT? ooooh, so close.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Let it Fail, Let it Fail, Let it Fail
Here's to a failed national dialogue.
The best thing that could possibly come out of these people is a truce. Just as the Taef Accord was just a slicing of the Lebanon cake. This could never be more than a reslicing of Lebanon.
A week, a month, or a year from now we would still have the same cast of characters that have dragged this country into wars and then robbed it to the bone. The Truth will remain among the our Dons, and we, The People, will remain their ignorant hostage. .
Now look at the possibilities that a failed dialogue could bring us. Open files, Scandals, Gossip, Exposes. An Angry General, Naked Bald War Criminals, Men of the cloth losing their religion, Rich brats not getting their way for once, and Boutros Harb still managing not to piss off anyone.
Ok, I'm assuming We, The People, won't pick up guns and start killing each other in the name of these clowns. That's stupidly naive of me.
But it doesn't matter, unfortunately I think the dialogue will be successful, and we will be told that we can love each other again. Yippeee Yayyyy.
BREAKING NEWS: The Bearded one and the Goateed one met for 7 hours last night in Koraytem trying to set the stage for tomorrow's card game and dealing a huge blow to my hopes of failed dialogue.
The best thing that could possibly come out of these people is a truce. Just as the Taef Accord was just a slicing of the Lebanon cake. This could never be more than a reslicing of Lebanon.
A week, a month, or a year from now we would still have the same cast of characters that have dragged this country into wars and then robbed it to the bone. The Truth will remain among the our Dons, and we, The People, will remain their ignorant hostage. .
Now look at the possibilities that a failed dialogue could bring us. Open files, Scandals, Gossip, Exposes. An Angry General, Naked Bald War Criminals, Men of the cloth losing their religion, Rich brats not getting their way for once, and Boutros Harb still managing not to piss off anyone.
Ok, I'm assuming We, The People, won't pick up guns and start killing each other in the name of these clowns. That's stupidly naive of me.
But it doesn't matter, unfortunately I think the dialogue will be successful, and we will be told that we can love each other again. Yippeee Yayyyy.
BREAKING NEWS: The Bearded one and the Goateed one met for 7 hours last night in Koraytem trying to set the stage for tomorrow's card game and dealing a huge blow to my hopes of failed dialogue.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
3al-Sham, 3al-Sham, 3al-Sham
I've heard taxi drivers shout out this invitation a few thousand times over the years so I decided finally to accept it. I had to get a "before" picture of Damascus just in case someone decides to liberate the people of Syria.
First of all, a piece of advice to my fellow countrymen. Carry your military service card when attempting to cross the border. You will not be allowed out, well at least not legally.
I made it to Damascus. The first thing I noticed was the Lebanese cruel revenge for 30 years of occupation.
Speaking of unavailable products, Syrians take their Danish ban seriously(again Hotels are above the law). Then again I doubt they had any Danish products there to begin with. Something admirable about Syria is their consumption of Syrian-made products (and they produce almost everything). While it is unequivocally a poor country, it is a very self-sufficient economy at this point which provides a solid foundation for a more prosperous future with the right reform moves. But where will this reform come from?
Souk El Hamidiyeh
First of all, a piece of advice to my fellow countrymen. Carry your military service card when attempting to cross the border. You will not be allowed out, well at least not legally.
I made it to Damascus. The first thing I noticed was the Lebanese cruel revenge for 30 years of occupation.
That should teach them not to fuck with us ever again. Seriously though, the Damascenes were extra nice to us. Too nice. Almost guilty nice. They are very hospitable people, no one hit us for our funny accents or burned down our hotel room.
My initial impulse when getting into a cab anywhere in the world is to incite the driver into political venting. In Miami all you had to say was "Aristides." In Beirut it's too easy. In Damascus, no one would take the bait. One guy started sweating and almost had a heart attack when I mentioned the "A" word. Also I'm pretty sure all cab drivers lose money in their profession; I can't see how a 20 minute ride for one dollar can possibly be profitable.
A surprising rain shower forced us to seek shelter in a tourist trap restaurant. I have a disturbing picture of Yassine Bakkoush with a stuffed zucchini stuffed in his mouth etched in my memory since as far as I can remember. So naturally I ordered Koussa Mehshi (stuffed zucchini). What I found odd was that the zucchini was stuffed with zucchini.Why unstuff it if you're gonna restuff the same stuff in there? Good luck finding a Coke or a Pepsi. These luxury products are only available in 5 star hotels and fancy restaurants.
Speaking of unavailable products, Syrians take their Danish ban seriously(again Hotels are above the law). Then again I doubt they had any Danish products there to begin with. Something admirable about Syria is their consumption of Syrian-made products (and they produce almost everything). While it is unequivocally a poor country, it is a very self-sufficient economy at this point which provides a solid foundation for a more prosperous future with the right reform moves. But where will this reform come from?
Souk El Hamidiyeh
Wow! One of the most impressive sights in the world. This historic mall and its tributaries are by far the liveliest shopping establishment I've ever seen, and I've been to Macy's on Christmas week. The aggressive sales force can be a bit unbearable on toursits until you learn how to stop hearing. Best part is: No GAP, No Victoria's Secret, No Starbucks. (Plenty of Lingerie though.)It's a place where buying and selling is an artform. Bargaining is a must. Bartering still lives. Tea street. Spice street. Perfume street. It's futile to try to describe it in words as it is a place you need to experience with all your senses.
Every 10 meters or so they have a propaganda banner addressed to the Lebanese brethren condemning the assassinations in Lebanon. So even if Syrians are behind the assassinations, at least they feel bad about it.
Night time in Damascus is as busy as day time. Tons of people on the streets. The best part of the Damascene night life is the fancy steak dinner for about $12 a person. After dinner just follow the crowd, they'll guide you to sweets shops and Damascene ice cream. A lot of choices and while probably none of them will kill you, alot of them can and will cause you digestive malfunction. I did find an ISO-certified sweets shop with an actual health certificate which I recommend, Abu Arab Haydar in Midan. Also there seems to be a consensus that the best Barazek are at Samiramis in Abu Rummaneh, they are quite pricy (well for Syria, I found them like everything else very cheap.) For those of you that don't know what Barazek are, you're missing out.
Another piece of advice, plan your ride back. Avoid the Beirut Taxi Station unless you enjoy visiting a Zoo of uncaged animals. That was just ugly. But it's ok, as soon as you cross the Lebanese border you can take it out on your driver. Punch him in the face and burn his cab, you are allowed to do that under Lebanese law.
Ahhh, Home!
Plenty Cabs, No Politics
Just got back from 2 very eventful days in brotherly/enemy land.I will provide soon a full account on the good, the good, and the good.*
*Edited from its original form by the Mukhabarat.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Wag the Dog
Emile Lahoud has been as active as Ariel Sharon during the last month.
So why did he become priority number one on the March 14th Agenda? For the same reason insecure girls only keep ugly friends; It makes them look prettier.
How can you cover the fact that the government hasn't shown any progress on ... well anything since taking over? Showcase the person who's worse than you.
Be Careful what you wish for though.
So why did he become priority number one on the March 14th Agenda? For the same reason insecure girls only keep ugly friends; It makes them look prettier.
How can you cover the fact that the government hasn't shown any progress on ... well anything since taking over? Showcase the person who's worse than you.
Be Careful what you wish for though.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Unanswered Questions of the Day
1.) How does the U.S. expect to make friends in Lebanon by waking people up at 6 am to remove their cars out of Condy's way?
2.) Who decided that a pots and pans protest is a good idea?
3.) Why is Hassan Nasrallah inviting the Americans to our beaches, shouldn't that be the Minister of Tourism's job?
4.) Doesn't Al Manar know that when someone says it's a Surprise Visit you aren't supposed to announce it, it ruins the whole surprise part?
5.) How do U.S. Diplomats manage to answer all questions, no matter what the subject is, with "Democracy"?
6.) How enlightening and enriching would a Presidential Debate between Nayla Mouawad and Samir Geagea be?
7.) Did Siniora call the 7 ministers that did show up in Baabda today and say "Gotcha!"?
8.) Are we fools?
2.) Who decided that a pots and pans protest is a good idea?
3.) Why is Hassan Nasrallah inviting the Americans to our beaches, shouldn't that be the Minister of Tourism's job?
4.) Doesn't Al Manar know that when someone says it's a Surprise Visit you aren't supposed to announce it, it ruins the whole surprise part?
5.) How do U.S. Diplomats manage to answer all questions, no matter what the subject is, with "Democracy"?
6.) How enlightening and enriching would a Presidential Debate between Nayla Mouawad and Samir Geagea be?
7.) Did Siniora call the 7 ministers that did show up in Baabda today and say "Gotcha!"?
8.) Are we fools?
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Lebanon 1-1 Kuwait
When attending a game at Beirut's Municipal Stadium, I recommend you watch the cheap bastards jumping the fence (about a 6-7 meter drop) to avoid paying admission. Always an interesting sight, a lot of times it provides more action then the actual game.
I'm not sure what the pre-game pissing match between the "Allah, Nasrallah, wel Dhahieh Kella" crowd and the "Allah, Hariri, Tarik Jdide" crowd had to do with the event. Also, It's a shame that a buffer zone is needed between Ansar and Nejmeh Fans(same as above to an extent) at a National Team match, but I guess you can never be too careful with all the love in the air these days.
I'm not very familiar with Lebanese football so I'll just relay the analysis I overheard. The Goalkeeper sucks. The Goalkeeper is a hero. Moussa Hjeij would never miss this. The referee sucks. Jordan Sucks. Jordan and Kuwait have a no-yellow card treaty. The referee sucks. Jordan sucks. Moussa Hjeij would've scored that. Moussa Hjeij smokes 4 packs a day. Goooaaaaal. Moussa Hjeij would've had a better celebration.
OK, I think this guy had a mancrush on Moussa Hjeij.
It was an exciting game but the final score was 1-1. Boring. What is the point of sports if no one can brag at the end of the game?
One Last thing , Do not drink a bottle of water on your way to the stadium unless you have one of these.
Ras El Abed Part Two
Most newspapers here have an Escapees section in their Classifieds. Not prison escapees, but (and I'll try to use the same exact words they use) Servant Escapees. I find it ... , well I can't find a word to describe this. Here's for example the first ad in the picture above:
Egyptian worker John Doe Mohammad ran away from his workplace, we warn those who find him not to utilize him. Call: 01-683224 (Actual number listed, feel free to make them know how repulsive this ad is.)
Where to start? First, the Nationality part is exchangeable for Sudanese, Sri Lankan, or Filipino. Let's just call it Geographic discrimination. While you might be the legal sponsor for the person's visa, that doesn't mean you own him/her. You have the right to report him/her to the authorities, you do not have the right to persecute them wild west style.
"We warn those who find him not to utilize him." What the Fuck! Seriously, What the Fuck is that!
Thanks for the warning though, it is so considerate of you.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
From Lebanon 007
Ras El Abed
English Translation: Nigger's Head. Yep, that is what kids in Lebanon grow up eating.
It had been 20 years since I last had one of these, I remember always saying "I don't like Nigger's Head," to be met with a "How can you not like Nigger's Head?" So I gave in after 20 years of resistance thinking maybe now my more mature taste buds would better appreciate this Lebanese treasure.
It turns out the most racially insensitive candy on earth is as nasty as it sounds. At first sight it looks like a slightly elongated chocolate ball, or a Nigger's Head. Not bad. Then as you bite through the chocolate shell you start feeling the insides of the Nigger's Head, the Nigger's Brains.
No one is sure what the inside part is made of, but just pray it is not actual brain. It's white, thus the clever naming. It looks, feels, smells, tastes and sounds like a cross between marshmallows and Elmer's Glue. Its adhesive qualities are still under study.
No one claimed all tradition is good. It can be cheap* and nasty.
*250 LL or $0.15
English Translation: Nigger's Head. Yep, that is what kids in Lebanon grow up eating.
It had been 20 years since I last had one of these, I remember always saying "I don't like Nigger's Head," to be met with a "How can you not like Nigger's Head?" So I gave in after 20 years of resistance thinking maybe now my more mature taste buds would better appreciate this Lebanese treasure.
It turns out the most racially insensitive candy on earth is as nasty as it sounds. At first sight it looks like a slightly elongated chocolate ball, or a Nigger's Head. Not bad. Then as you bite through the chocolate shell you start feeling the insides of the Nigger's Head, the Nigger's Brains.
No one is sure what the inside part is made of, but just pray it is not actual brain. It's white, thus the clever naming. It looks, feels, smells, tastes and sounds like a cross between marshmallows and Elmer's Glue. Its adhesive qualities are still under study.
No one claimed all tradition is good. It can be cheap* and nasty.
*250 LL or $0.15
Monday, February 20, 2006
Jumblatt's Puppy
... as opposed to Jumblatt the Puppy during Assad Sr.'s reign.
Jumblatt's dog was poisoned in Mukhtara according to multiple sources(i.e. cab drivers). I did look for the dog on news footage last night and I found him suspiciously absent. Obviously this was a signal from the Ghosts that they can reach him anywhere even in his fortress, but that's not where I'm going with this.
Jumblatt now has an unstoppable weapon. He's been trying for over a year now to topple the Assad Jr. regime (not to be confused with the Assad Sr. regime which was a "friend" of Lebanon)to no avail. He tried the street, the U.N. Security Council, the German Shepherd, and even an alliance of the big dogs in Washington and Paris. Now he has the opportunity of unleashing a killer weapon. All he has to do is bark out the accusation that Bashar poisoned his innocent little puppy then lay back and watch People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals go after Bashar.
PETA's offensive force of nude protestors armed for mass destruction with spray paint have proven they can reach any red carpet. They can sniff out Bashar, Shake Well, and stain him with a scarlett hue no one can survive.
Last Tuesday he chanted, "We want revenge from Lahoud to Bashar!" Here's his chance to bite with teeth for once.
Jumblatt's dog was poisoned in Mukhtara according to multiple sources(i.e. cab drivers). I did look for the dog on news footage last night and I found him suspiciously absent. Obviously this was a signal from the Ghosts that they can reach him anywhere even in his fortress, but that's not where I'm going with this.
Jumblatt now has an unstoppable weapon. He's been trying for over a year now to topple the Assad Jr. regime (not to be confused with the Assad Sr. regime which was a "friend" of Lebanon)to no avail. He tried the street, the U.N. Security Council, the German Shepherd, and even an alliance of the big dogs in Washington and Paris. Now he has the opportunity of unleashing a killer weapon. All he has to do is bark out the accusation that Bashar poisoned his innocent little puppy then lay back and watch People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals go after Bashar.
PETA's offensive force of nude protestors armed for mass destruction with spray paint have proven they can reach any red carpet. They can sniff out Bashar, Shake Well, and stain him with a scarlett hue no one can survive.
Last Tuesday he chanted, "We want revenge from Lahoud to Bashar!" Here's his chance to bite with teeth for once.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Quick Sports Update
Congratulations to Lebanese Skier Shirine Njeim for competing in the Olympics. She came in 34th out of 45 in the Ladies' Downhill Competition. She couldn't finish in the Super G.
Patrick Antaki finished 27th* in the skeleton competition. What do you call the athletes that make up the Skeleton competition? Boners?
Also take a break from politics on Wednesday and support the Lebanese National Football Team.
We host** Kuwait in Asian Cup qualifiers.
*out of 27
**Well I'm not sure who hosts whom. It is in Beirut. But the Stadium was built by the Kuwaitis. Well, it was built by Syrian construction workers but with Kuwaiti money.***
***I really have nothing to say today.
Patrick Antaki finished 27th* in the skeleton competition. What do you call the athletes that make up the Skeleton competition? Boners?
Also take a break from politics on Wednesday and support the Lebanese National Football Team.
We host** Kuwait in Asian Cup qualifiers.
*out of 27
**Well I'm not sure who hosts whom. It is in Beirut. But the Stadium was built by the Kuwaitis. Well, it was built by Syrian construction workers but with Kuwaiti money.***
***I really have nothing to say today.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Dear Abby
Anyone who can find a solution for a quadrapalegic husband cheating on his wife with her bi-curious step brother can surely solve the Lebanese problem so here's my plea to Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
I'm deeply in love with this parcel of land. Let's call it "Lubna N."Its Beautiful coastline is the first thing that faces you. Then you see Perky mountains, A Flat Valley, and a Voluptuous hump at its end. Well we're not sure where it ends, because the borders were drawn up by a drunk Brit(pardon the redundancy) and a frog on a wine stained napkin long before Google earth existed.
It's an unrequited love. I give give give and never see anything in return except for the feeling of having a place to call home. I have to deal with a permanent state of P.M.S. You might say I'm a masochist, but Dear Abby understand that I do get tremendous pleasure out of seeing "Lubna N." smile even if it's a half ass smile once a decade.
How can I treat "Lubna N."'s fiery hormonal imbalance? I really don't want to leave "Lubna N." again. Help me Dear Abby.
Sincerely,
Pussywhipped in a Raging Volcano
P.S. I'll keep you posted if Dear Abby replies.
P.P.S. I will have a guest Advice Expert on my blog, submit your questions to YO JIMBO here, or by email. YO JIMBO's fields of expertise are everything except cooking, but if you insist on culinary advice he'll gladly fake it.
Dear Abby,
I'm deeply in love with this parcel of land. Let's call it "Lubna N."Its Beautiful coastline is the first thing that faces you. Then you see Perky mountains, A Flat Valley, and a Voluptuous hump at its end. Well we're not sure where it ends, because the borders were drawn up by a drunk Brit(pardon the redundancy) and a frog on a wine stained napkin long before Google earth existed.
It's an unrequited love. I give give give and never see anything in return except for the feeling of having a place to call home. I have to deal with a permanent state of P.M.S. You might say I'm a masochist, but Dear Abby understand that I do get tremendous pleasure out of seeing "Lubna N." smile even if it's a half ass smile once a decade.
How can I treat "Lubna N."'s fiery hormonal imbalance? I really don't want to leave "Lubna N." again. Help me Dear Abby.
Sincerely,
Pussywhipped in a Raging Volcano
P.S. I'll keep you posted if Dear Abby replies.
P.P.S. I will have a guest Advice Expert on my blog, submit your questions to YO JIMBO here, or by email. YO JIMBO's fields of expertise are everything except cooking, but if you insist on culinary advice he'll gladly fake it.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Camera, Lights, Action!
Today's aperitif surely had to whet your appetite for what's to come over the next month.
You might think the last year would've left most people full/bloated/over-indulged. Not the Lebanese people, Baby! We're always hungry for more.
In the afternoon we saw a little calming act by FM's delegate to HA's commemoration of one of their 52,314 martyrs. That was seen as a diffusing gesture after the Jumblatt's Ode to Hezbollah on Tuesday. This is an old trick known as good cop, bad cop. The Guinness Book World Record holder for thickest beard countered with a return to sender. Of course it took him 3 hours and 42 minutes to say that which made him the Guiness Book World Record holder for longest "return to sender."
After sunset, Saad and the 2 Baldmen decided the political scene wasn't exciting enough for their taste, so they decided to oust the Scarecrow/President by going back to the street. Yep, let's burden our overworked inept security forces just a tad more. We saw what a "100 infiltrators" did in Ashrafieh. So let's try and see what a thousand could do.
Fasten your seatbelts and enjoy the ride.
You might think the last year would've left most people full/bloated/over-indulged. Not the Lebanese people, Baby! We're always hungry for more.
In the afternoon we saw a little calming act by FM's delegate to HA's commemoration of one of their 52,314 martyrs. That was seen as a diffusing gesture after the Jumblatt's Ode to Hezbollah on Tuesday. This is an old trick known as good cop, bad cop. The Guinness Book World Record holder for thickest beard countered with a return to sender. Of course it took him 3 hours and 42 minutes to say that which made him the Guiness Book World Record holder for longest "return to sender."
After sunset, Saad and the 2 Baldmen decided the political scene wasn't exciting enough for their taste, so they decided to oust the Scarecrow/President by going back to the street. Yep, let's burden our overworked inept security forces just a tad more. We saw what a "100 infiltrators" did in Ashrafieh. So let's try and see what a thousand could do.
Fasten your seatbelts and enjoy the ride.
Horoscope
In Lebanon, all respectable publications look to the planets for analysis and forecasts. Since I'm hoping one day to get a whiff of respect, I will start consulting the stars and publish what they shoot me.
Virgo: Don't worry! No one knows about the hymen reconstruction you had.
Scorpio: Aquarius is playing hard to get. Don't take no for an answer. Persistance pays off.
Polio: You feel left out because Bird Flu is getting all the attention. Some jealousy is good for you.
Leo: You're too sweet compared to Kit Kat. But some people love you for what you have inside.
Cancer: You will see everything around you in fluorescent colors.
Aquarius: Scorpio will stalk you. My bad. Sorry.
Taurus: There is a Rash on Uranus. It's Hemorrhoids.
Rhombus: Today you might not feel very equilateral. Just have some Baklava.
I think I've covered them all.
Virgo: Don't worry! No one knows about the hymen reconstruction you had.
Scorpio: Aquarius is playing hard to get. Don't take no for an answer. Persistance pays off.
Polio: You feel left out because Bird Flu is getting all the attention. Some jealousy is good for you.
Leo: You're too sweet compared to Kit Kat. But some people love you for what you have inside.
Cancer: You will see everything around you in fluorescent colors.
Aquarius: Scorpio will stalk you. My bad. Sorry.
Taurus: There is a Rash on Uranus. It's Hemorrhoids.
Rhombus: Today you might not feel very equilateral. Just have some Baklava.
I think I've covered them all.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Taxi Cab Conspiracy Theory du Jour
Cab drivers always have interesting perspectives on current events. Last night my cab driver said that the sunny weather for the Hariri Commemoration was divine intervention. I'm convinced. I mean it has been raining for a week straight and the rain did resume in the evening. It was most definitely a divine miracle. Whoever is responsible for it is worthy of instant canonization.
Saint Walid Beik has a nice ring to it.
Saint Walid Beik has a nice ring to it.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Let's Get Ready to Rumble
I don't see Lebanese Politicos even trying to pretend they are willing to converse anymore. They've selected confrontation, so every event is turning into a muscle flexing pose. Ashura, a religious event commemorating the death of a dude 1400 years ago, was the money shot for Hezbollah. The Anniversary of the Hariri Assassination was the March 14th forces time in the sun.
So let's go to the judges for the scores.
Official ISF Numbers: Today Edges out Ashura 500,000 to 400,000.
Reuters:The truth is We don't really count, but it looks to us like Ashura won by a beard.
Jamal: Batteekh Y kasser Ba3do.
So let's go to the judges for the scores.
Official ISF Numbers: Today Edges out Ashura 500,000 to 400,000.
Reuters:The truth is We don't really count, but it looks to us like Ashura won by a beard.
Jamal: Batteekh Y kasser Ba3do.
Monday, February 13, 2006
From Lebanon IIVIII
The Arguile Delivery Guy
Driving in Lebanon is dangerous.
Riding a scooter in Lebanon is only for stunt lovers and thrill seekers.
Riding a scooter in Lebanon with a glass and metal khazouk clutched in your crotch is complete insanity.
The Arguile Deliver Guy kicks it up a notch. He does the completely insane one-handed while playing with balls of fire with his free hand.
Admirably, he does all this purely out of his passion for smoking high delivery and love of pyromania. It can't possibly be for the money, as each performance in which he risks his life and all those along his path is done for a mere 2000LL ($1.33).
Next time you see a scooter flying down the road with a tail of fire tracing it. Get out of his way, seek shelter, and then applaud this great Lebanese tradition.
Driving in Lebanon is dangerous.
Riding a scooter in Lebanon is only for stunt lovers and thrill seekers.
Riding a scooter in Lebanon with a glass and metal khazouk clutched in your crotch is complete insanity.
The Arguile Deliver Guy kicks it up a notch. He does the completely insane one-handed while playing with balls of fire with his free hand.
Admirably, he does all this purely out of his passion for smoking high delivery and love of pyromania. It can't possibly be for the money, as each performance in which he risks his life and all those along his path is done for a mere 2000LL ($1.33).
Next time you see a scooter flying down the road with a tail of fire tracing it. Get out of his way, seek shelter, and then applaud this great Lebanese tradition.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Religion Lesson
I'm no expert on Islam but I do know this. The Prophet Mohammad, the greatest man to ever live (I'll pimp up my genealogy ,why not), chose not to be iconized so that people don't idolize him, a mere man.
So in Islam, No man should be idolized, even Mohammad himself.
So what have Muslim leaders done to follow the prophet's example?
Money icons.
Billboards.
and Swimsuit calendars.
Well, I leave you trying to picture Hassan Nasrallah in Speedos.
So in Islam, No man should be idolized, even Mohammad himself.
So what have Muslim leaders done to follow the prophet's example?
Money icons.
Billboards.
and Swimsuit calendars.
Well, I leave you trying to picture Hassan Nasrallah in Speedos.
Friday, February 10, 2006
On Second Thought... BOYCOTT DENMARK!!!!
Well not KDD's Passion Fruit Juice or LEGO, but do boycott their dairy products.
First, I had to survey the supermarket aisles for alernatives before I decided on that.
After a week of taste testing and 2 kilos gained, I have reached the conclusion that we should boycott Lurpak, Puck, and Dano not because of some silly doodles, but because we have better alternatives MADE IN LEBANON.
Addicted to Lurpak, I suggest you try Zibdet Jarjoura El Mashhoura Made in Chtaura. Tastier, Cheaper, and Fresh.
Havarti Cheese!? You probably never had it, who are you kidding. We have Halloum, Akkawi, Baladi, Karishe, etc.... Don't worry. You'll get you'll cheese fix. Jdita Products are A++.
Who still drinks powdered milk? We drank it during the war because there was no way to get fresh milk. Go to Taanayel, they'll let you suck the milk straight out of the cow's tit.
Don't Boycott Lebanon.
First, I had to survey the supermarket aisles for alernatives before I decided on that.
After a week of taste testing and 2 kilos gained, I have reached the conclusion that we should boycott Lurpak, Puck, and Dano not because of some silly doodles, but because we have better alternatives MADE IN LEBANON.
Addicted to Lurpak, I suggest you try Zibdet Jarjoura El Mashhoura Made in Chtaura. Tastier, Cheaper, and Fresh.
Havarti Cheese!? You probably never had it, who are you kidding. We have Halloum, Akkawi, Baladi, Karishe, etc.... Don't worry. You'll get you'll cheese fix. Jdita Products are A++.
Who still drinks powdered milk? We drank it during the war because there was no way to get fresh milk. Go to Taanayel, they'll let you suck the milk straight out of the cow's tit.
Don't Boycott Lebanon.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
The Death of March 14th
1.5 Million people carried the same flag. 1.5 Million marched hand in hand. It was an unprecedented show of unity, a strong foundation to build a country on.
What went wrong? How did we blow this opportunity?
Here are some observations to take into consideration the next time an opportunity presents itself.
1. Leave politics out of it. When we took to the streets we weren't thinking about cabinet quotas or parliament seats. It wasn't about Leftist or Rightist economics. It was about independence, it was about freedom, and it was about building a Nation. That's what the people asked for and that's what the politicians are supposed to deliver. Keep it in mind next time.
2. Forget Revenge. He who angers you becomes your master.-Epictetus. All of the official action throughout the last year was out of anger. The obsession with revenge made us incapable of moving forward with what we need and what is good for us. We couldn't hold out enough on our urges to become masters of our domain.
3. Leadership and Nepotism don't mix. Leaderships skills are not passed on in wills. Political savvy is not acquired overnight. We can respect a man's legacy in ways other than pledging allegiance to his son. We need decisiveness and control to bake a cake. Building a country is a lot more complex.
4. Do not try to Cancel others. We are diverse. Different backgrounds, different traditions. That is our strength. When I go from Ras Beirut to Dhahieh to Ashrafieh, it's like visiting 3 different countries within a 2 mile radius. This is a good thing. This is Lebanon.
5. Avoid Greed. Election season came and the nation building turned into a math problem. Bad election law, number-based alliances, and limitless greed was a huge spit in the face of those who were holding hands on March 14th.
6. Set Priorities right. You may refer to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for that. When I'm hungry I don't think straight, I'm sure most people like to eat too. Not being blown up is also kind of important. Having cool friends and looking pretty are not on our minds right now.
7. Don't make promises you can't keep. Not to your mom. Not the neighborhood bully. Certainly, not to both at the same time. Gino might come and bail you out, but then you become his bitch and if you say anything he'll break your legs.
8. Fix Mistakes. Humans make mistakes, tons of them. Some make more mistake than others, but there's no shame in that. So be Human and admit your mistakes. Everything is fixable, well some things cannot be fixed but they are replaceable.
What went wrong? How did we blow this opportunity?
Here are some observations to take into consideration the next time an opportunity presents itself.
1. Leave politics out of it. When we took to the streets we weren't thinking about cabinet quotas or parliament seats. It wasn't about Leftist or Rightist economics. It was about independence, it was about freedom, and it was about building a Nation. That's what the people asked for and that's what the politicians are supposed to deliver. Keep it in mind next time.
2. Forget Revenge. He who angers you becomes your master.-Epictetus. All of the official action throughout the last year was out of anger. The obsession with revenge made us incapable of moving forward with what we need and what is good for us. We couldn't hold out enough on our urges to become masters of our domain.
3. Leadership and Nepotism don't mix. Leaderships skills are not passed on in wills. Political savvy is not acquired overnight. We can respect a man's legacy in ways other than pledging allegiance to his son. We need decisiveness and control to bake a cake. Building a country is a lot more complex.
4. Do not try to Cancel others. We are diverse. Different backgrounds, different traditions. That is our strength. When I go from Ras Beirut to Dhahieh to Ashrafieh, it's like visiting 3 different countries within a 2 mile radius. This is a good thing. This is Lebanon.
5. Avoid Greed. Election season came and the nation building turned into a math problem. Bad election law, number-based alliances, and limitless greed was a huge spit in the face of those who were holding hands on March 14th.
6. Set Priorities right. You may refer to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for that. When I'm hungry I don't think straight, I'm sure most people like to eat too. Not being blown up is also kind of important. Having cool friends and looking pretty are not on our minds right now.
7. Don't make promises you can't keep. Not to your mom. Not the neighborhood bully. Certainly, not to both at the same time. Gino might come and bail you out, but then you become his bitch and if you say anything he'll break your legs.
8. Fix Mistakes. Humans make mistakes, tons of them. Some make more mistake than others, but there's no shame in that. So be Human and admit your mistakes. Everything is fixable, well some things cannot be fixed but they are replaceable.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Weather Update
Yesterday I bragged about the weather of the last few days. It was 17-20 degrees and not a cloud in the sky.
Well, this is what it looks like right now in Beirut.
Well, this is what it looks like right now in Beirut.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
From Lebanon IIIII or IIIIII (I lost track)
"Tozz"
An effortless, magnificent, efficient, martial arts move.
A "Tozz"'s pleasure is how it automatically twitches the face of a braggart into a look of disappointment and anger.
A gravitational pull brings things down back to earth. A "Tozz" brings them crashing down, humiliated, buries them, and pisses on them. No matter how high you get you are always within reach for a "Tozz." Actually a "Tozz" relishes the extra height.
The keys to a perfect "Tozz" are timing and delivery. Wait for it, do not force it, but always be ready to perform. Too many "Tozz"s can weaken its effect so invest them wisely.
Yet another proud tradition from my rich land; "Tozz."
An effortless, magnificent, efficient, martial arts move.
A "Tozz"'s pleasure is how it automatically twitches the face of a braggart into a look of disappointment and anger.
A gravitational pull brings things down back to earth. A "Tozz" brings them crashing down, humiliated, buries them, and pisses on them. No matter how high you get you are always within reach for a "Tozz." Actually a "Tozz" relishes the extra height.
The keys to a perfect "Tozz" are timing and delivery. Wait for it, do not force it, but always be ready to perform. Too many "Tozz"s can weaken its effect so invest them wisely.
Yet another proud tradition from my rich land; "Tozz."
How Cute!
The giggling the blushing, just like two virgins on their wedding night. They finally consummated their flirtation. It's always a positive sign when different parties get together on their own and reach agreements on how to build this country. However, we've seen this before and it always ends up being just cock teasing. Also given the sectarian nature of the makeup of the country, this will be used as fuel for more divisions.
I'm no Michel Hayek, but the recent events have provided fertile ground for another assassination. I'd love to be wrong on this one, but I think the next one might be messy.
The weather has been BEAUTIFUL the last 3 days.
I'm no Michel Hayek, but the recent events have provided fertile ground for another assassination. I'd love to be wrong on this one, but I think the next one might be messy.
The weather has been BEAUTIFUL the last 3 days.
Monday, February 06, 2006
WRONG WAY!
Today we are further away from National Unity then we have EVER been. Bold Statement, but sadly it is the Truth. Just not the Truth we've been looking for or one we've been wanting to hear. I grew up in the 80's and early 90's in Chtaura, a rest stop on the Beirut- Damascus Road. It's a diverse community (by diverse I mean same race and same nationality) that was relatively untouched by the war. Sure, there was an air raid here an air raid there, some 155mm and 240mm showers every once in a while, but the people of Chtaura never fired at anyone or at each other. We all had the same sports idols, went to the same school, and watched the same TV channel. Then the civil war ended.
12 years later I go back to the same town. I see pictures of despicable people hanging on the wall, Politicians! Sectarian Zaeems, What a nightmare. That was in 2004, sectarian cocooning was at an all time high. Different idols, different schools, different TV channels.
In 2005 and 2006 we are still becoming less tolerant. In this month's issue of Ii Monthly (a publication by Information International), my negative assessment of the street is translated into scientific proof. They conduct a poll of Lebanese college students' opinion on various issues relating to religious tolerance. I will not post the exact figures due to copyright laws and to avoid a pissing match over whose college is more bigoted than whose, but the questions were about living in a religiously mixed community, marrying out of species, and befriending an infidel. The numbers were puke inducing. College students! Where does that leave the "uneducated masses"?? Just for fun, they also compared the Summer of 2005 results to those of 2002. Yep, we are heading the Wrong Way.
We worry about Syria, Israel, Palestinian weapons outside of camps, Debt, unemployment, the Tehran coalition, the Washington empire, this or that day in March. That is worrying about a cold when you have cancer. Sectarianism is the Cancer we suffer from, until we treat it all the other problems are irrelevant. National Unity will always be just an elusive dream with this cancer paralyzing the country. We have this post-burrito turd in the middle of the room and we wonder what stinks. We have to take the shit out at once and then worry about the odors it left.
WE have to do it. WE as in the people. WE have to do it because our politicians will never do it for us. They are the pesky bugs who love roaming over shit. They feed off of Shit, they grow on Shit. "You are what you eat", so that makes them Shit Eating Shit.
Let's do this!
12 years later I go back to the same town. I see pictures of despicable people hanging on the wall, Politicians! Sectarian Zaeems, What a nightmare. That was in 2004, sectarian cocooning was at an all time high. Different idols, different schools, different TV channels.
In 2005 and 2006 we are still becoming less tolerant. In this month's issue of Ii Monthly (a publication by Information International), my negative assessment of the street is translated into scientific proof. They conduct a poll of Lebanese college students' opinion on various issues relating to religious tolerance. I will not post the exact figures due to copyright laws and to avoid a pissing match over whose college is more bigoted than whose, but the questions were about living in a religiously mixed community, marrying out of species, and befriending an infidel. The numbers were puke inducing. College students! Where does that leave the "uneducated masses"?? Just for fun, they also compared the Summer of 2005 results to those of 2002. Yep, we are heading the Wrong Way.
We worry about Syria, Israel, Palestinian weapons outside of camps, Debt, unemployment, the Tehran coalition, the Washington empire, this or that day in March. That is worrying about a cold when you have cancer. Sectarianism is the Cancer we suffer from, until we treat it all the other problems are irrelevant. National Unity will always be just an elusive dream with this cancer paralyzing the country. We have this post-burrito turd in the middle of the room and we wonder what stinks. We have to take the shit out at once and then worry about the odors it left.
WE have to do it. WE as in the people. WE have to do it because our politicians will never do it for us. They are the pesky bugs who love roaming over shit. They feed off of Shit, they grow on Shit. "You are what you eat", so that makes them Shit Eating Shit.
Let's do this!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Shameful
Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us. Shame on Us.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Quoted on Elaph
Paraphrased and Out of context, but I was quoted as a passer by in Issam Sahmarani's piece on Shabeb Khayef A Watano in Elaph.com. In Issam's defense, I wouldn't shut up, I ranted on and on and on and on.
We're Movin' on Up, .... and Out
Beirut is alive. Traffic jams all over town. People buzzing at all times of day and night. The human activity is comparable to any major city in the world. Just don't look up. The life at street level never goes above it. It migrates North, South, East, and West; but never up.
A lot of office building around town, old and new, but not many offices. I did a consulting job for a food outlet in Downtown last year, and I naively searched for the business lunch crowd. Crowd! Ha! That was stupid of me. There were 1200 office workers in Solidere (ou
tside of ESCWA). I'm not sure what the total built-up area of Solidere is, but it's safe to say that one office worker per 50, 60, 0r 100 square meters does not constitute a crowd. The scene is cloned in the other business districts around town: Ashrafieh, Hamra, etc... 
But enough negativity already, at least we are living at Street Level now. It sure beats the time when Life in Beirut was below ground level.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Antelias-Jal El Dib-Dora
Holy Shit! Sweet Mary mother of Jesus! Bismillah El Rahman El Raheem! We're gonna die. Fuck. No, Fuck you! Bang. Basita, no one is hurt. Why is the airbag light on? Why is there a cement lane divider in the middle of a lane? Your momma. Geronimoooo. You can open your eyes now. Maybe not. Khalleek 3al Pax. Screeaach and another bang. Fender bender. Animal! 30 minute delivery guarantee does not allow you to drive wrong way on the highway! Parapapapaa Ge ne ral. Who designed this road? Actually I knew who did it, my former employers. No wonder. Fuck them. Make up fine, Cellphone, fine, Dancing fine, all 3 while driving!Dead Animal. Why am I screaming? He can't possibly fit between these cars. He did.
Wheew.
Wheew.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Just a little survey
Did you kill anyone during the war?
Did you steal?
I keep hearing that the reason we don't hold the war criminals accountable is that everyone killed during the war.
I don't think that is true. I'm pretty sure the grand majority of people wasn't doing much killing but rather was hiding from the killers.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Did you steal?
I keep hearing that the reason we don't hold the war criminals accountable is that everyone killed during the war.
I don't think that is true. I'm pretty sure the grand majority of people wasn't doing much killing but rather was hiding from the killers.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Denmark in the News!
The controversial Danish caricatures of the Prophet Mohammad (prayed God upon him and saluted) are offensively bad, offensively unfunny, offensively childish (sort of like what I just said) . That is exactly why they are not worth all the fuss.
It reminds me of Salman Rushdie. Had it not been for all the death calls he got, no one would've looked at his book. It's dull, boring text with no nudity. It couldn't sell 3 copies if it wasn't for all the marketing the islamic governments did on its behalf.
So while the Danish Government is rightfully defending freedom of expression, the offended need to remember they have the freedom to ignore and stop reading that specific newspaper. There are other, more interesting publications in the world that they should look at.
By the way, South Park regularly makes fun of the Super Best Friends:Jesus, Mohammad, Moses, Buddha, and Krishna. So we should all boycott Colorado, or Blame Canada.
It reminds me of Salman Rushdie. Had it not been for all the death calls he got, no one would've looked at his book. It's dull, boring text with no nudity. It couldn't sell 3 copies if it wasn't for all the marketing the islamic governments did on its behalf.
So while the Danish Government is rightfully defending freedom of expression, the offended need to remember they have the freedom to ignore and stop reading that specific newspaper. There are other, more interesting publications in the world that they should look at.
By the way, South Park regularly makes fun of the Super Best Friends:Jesus, Mohammad, Moses, Buddha, and Krishna. So we should all boycott Colorado, or Blame Canada.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Libraries: Someone CARES!
As a follow up to the library subject, it turns out there is a netwrok of public libraries in Lebanon. It is very modest, but they do have free internet access. The main Beirut library is the size of an average apartment with a maid's room.
Someone is working on improving that however. They are adequately called the Friends of Public Libraries Association in Lebanon.
You can donate the original Russian print of War and Peace, but they prefer connect the dots books.
One of the book donation centers is literally 10 medium sized steps from where I am now. Damn, I thought I was inquisitive, now I have to scratch that out of my C.V.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Off the Scales
Everyone knows corruption is rampant in Lebanon. A lot of people stole alot of money, no surprise there.
However, when Nicola Fattoush wants a quarter billion dollars to stop raping the environment, something he shouldn't have been doing in the first place, you realize the scale of such corruption.
Nicola Fattoush! Who is Nicola Fattoush? He's barely a C-List corrupt politician. A quarter billion dollars as settlement for a C Lister! So that means he's been pocketing at least that much. Nicola Freaking Fattoush!
Where does that leave the other corruptos? The ones higher up on the food chain. The Murrs, Hrawis, Hamades, Husseinis, Mrads, Sayyeds, Lahouds, Franjiehs, Harbs, Shamseddines, Gemayels? I'm sure their ego wouldn't allow for a share smaller than that of Nicola Fattoush, It had to be multiple times more.
We haven't reached the All Stars yet? The Jordans and O'Neals of thievery. Abdel Halim Khaddam, Nabih Berri, Ghazi Kanaan, Walid Jumblatt, Rustum Ghazaleh, Rafik Hariri, Mustapha Tlas, Hekmat El Shahabi.
How about the Godfather himself? How much of the people's money did he die on?
Nicola Fattoush?!
However, when Nicola Fattoush wants a quarter billion dollars to stop raping the environment, something he shouldn't have been doing in the first place, you realize the scale of such corruption.
Nicola Fattoush! Who is Nicola Fattoush? He's barely a C-List corrupt politician. A quarter billion dollars as settlement for a C Lister! So that means he's been pocketing at least that much. Nicola Freaking Fattoush!
Where does that leave the other corruptos? The ones higher up on the food chain. The Murrs, Hrawis, Hamades, Husseinis, Mrads, Sayyeds, Lahouds, Franjiehs, Harbs, Shamseddines, Gemayels? I'm sure their ego wouldn't allow for a share smaller than that of Nicola Fattoush, It had to be multiple times more.
We haven't reached the All Stars yet? The Jordans and O'Neals of thievery. Abdel Halim Khaddam, Nabih Berri, Ghazi Kanaan, Walid Jumblatt, Rustum Ghazaleh, Rafik Hariri, Mustapha Tlas, Hekmat El Shahabi.
How about the Godfather himself? How much of the people's money did he die on?
Nicola Fattoush?!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
A Match Made in ...
... Holy Land.
Hamas and Likud are perfect for each other. Mirror images.
One headline I read was: World Leaders Shocked.
That shows you how detached these leaders are from the palestinean people, or people in general for that matter. Do you think when George was drawing up his Peace Road Map in Crawford, TX, he consulted with a mother from Gaza? Of course not he consulted with vultures and vegetables. That's why he is shocked.
A road map for peace is not a bad idea, unfortunately in this map the X is on the back of the paper.
Hamas and Likud are perfect for each other. Mirror images.
One headline I read was: World Leaders Shocked.
That shows you how detached these leaders are from the palestinean people, or people in general for that matter. Do you think when George was drawing up his Peace Road Map in Crawford, TX, he consulted with a mother from Gaza? Of course not he consulted with vultures and vegetables. That's why he is shocked.
A road map for peace is not a bad idea, unfortunately in this map the X is on the back of the paper.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Modern Transparent Democracy
We know more about Star Academy contestants than Presidents.
We have 24 live video of a slumber party, but no evidence of closed door meetings that decide the world's fate.
We get to see Leyla from Morocco eat breakfast in her pajamas with puss in her eyes, but we only get to see our leaders once a month, with make up on, reading carefully scripted propaganda.
We put aspiring showgirls/boys into a rigorous 4 month series of tests to see who stands out, while we hire PR and marketing machines to cover our political aspirer's faults and highlight/ invent their merits.
We vote off a bad singer with the press of a button from home anytime of the day, but we have to wait years, then wait in line for hours, then put up with incompetent government workers to vote off someone that's stealing our money.
We have 24 live video of a slumber party, but no evidence of closed door meetings that decide the world's fate.
We get to see Leyla from Morocco eat breakfast in her pajamas with puss in her eyes, but we only get to see our leaders once a month, with make up on, reading carefully scripted propaganda.
We put aspiring showgirls/boys into a rigorous 4 month series of tests to see who stands out, while we hire PR and marketing machines to cover our political aspirer's faults and highlight/ invent their merits.
We vote off a bad singer with the press of a button from home anytime of the day, but we have to wait years, then wait in line for hours, then put up with incompetent government workers to vote off someone that's stealing our money.
No Confidence
A motion of no confidence is usually the way out of a governmental deadlock like we have in Lebanon. Even Vanuatu figured out how to use this democratic tool in 2004. Usually it's the opposition that shows no confidence in the government and that might be enough to replace the government or call for an early election.
However, what happens when the majority of the members of the government show no confidence in the government?
Yes, only in my special country does a ruling coalition show no confidence in ... itself.
I have called for the government to shit or get off the pot before, but a lot of things have happened since then and I don't think you can find anyone that would label these events as positive. Enough shitting, just get off the pot.
First of all, the orange opposition has clearly and loudly voiced their NO CONFIDENCE in the government.
On to Hezboamalallah. Their 5 ministers decided to go on a prolonged paid vacation. Nice gig, but I'm pretty sure it counts as NO CONFIDENCE.
Yesterday, former ID card killer* MP Antoine Zahra (who happens to claim that he graduated from Harrington University in London) admitted that the Lebanese Forces are conducting military exercises in the Arz region. His rationale was that they were training individuals to protect LF Don Samir Geagea and LBC Headquarters. I'm not gonna ask how artillery practice protects you from possible car bombs which are the biggest threat in Lebanon these day, but this clearly shows that the LF have NO CONFIDENCE in the government to protect them. By the way they happen to be part of the government.
Then there is Future Corporation, the holding company that counts the government as one of its assets. CEO Saad Hariri has showed so much confidence in his investment that he hasn't set foot in Beirut since this government took over. He'd rather spend his time in Saudi Arabia!!! Saudi Arabia!!! If that isn't NO CONFIDENCE I don't know what is.
Government is not a trophy! It's responsibility. 5 million people worth of responsibility.
* ID card Killers: prominent during the Lebanese civil** war. ID Card killers used to stop and shoot people on the spot if they happened to be of the wrong sect.
**Civil: uncivil, savage, barbaric, primitive, inhuman, vicious, atrocious, and boorish.
However, what happens when the majority of the members of the government show no confidence in the government?
Yes, only in my special country does a ruling coalition show no confidence in ... itself.
I have called for the government to shit or get off the pot before, but a lot of things have happened since then and I don't think you can find anyone that would label these events as positive. Enough shitting, just get off the pot.
First of all, the orange opposition has clearly and loudly voiced their NO CONFIDENCE in the government.
On to Hezboamalallah. Their 5 ministers decided to go on a prolonged paid vacation. Nice gig, but I'm pretty sure it counts as NO CONFIDENCE.
Yesterday, former ID card killer* MP Antoine Zahra (who happens to claim that he graduated from Harrington University in London) admitted that the Lebanese Forces are conducting military exercises in the Arz region. His rationale was that they were training individuals to protect LF Don Samir Geagea and LBC Headquarters. I'm not gonna ask how artillery practice protects you from possible car bombs which are the biggest threat in Lebanon these day, but this clearly shows that the LF have NO CONFIDENCE in the government to protect them. By the way they happen to be part of the government.
Then there is Future Corporation, the holding company that counts the government as one of its assets. CEO Saad Hariri has showed so much confidence in his investment that he hasn't set foot in Beirut since this government took over. He'd rather spend his time in Saudi Arabia!!! Saudi Arabia!!! If that isn't NO CONFIDENCE I don't know what is.
Government is not a trophy! It's responsibility. 5 million people worth of responsibility.
* ID card Killers: prominent during the Lebanese civil** war. ID Card killers used to stop and shoot people on the spot if they happened to be of the wrong sect.
**Civil: uncivil, savage, barbaric, primitive, inhuman, vicious, atrocious, and boorish.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Cultural Capital
Downtown Beirut (10 blocks)
8 Mosques.
10 Churches.
1 Synagogue.
1 Buddha Bar.
100 Restaurants.
10 Night Clubs.
10 Bars.
20 Jewelry Stores.
40 Fashion shops.
1 Bookstore.
0 Art Galleries.
0 Theaters.
0 Libraries.
8 Mosques.
10 Churches.
1 Synagogue.
1 Buddha Bar.
100 Restaurants.
10 Night Clubs.
10 Bars.
20 Jewelry Stores.
40 Fashion shops.
1 Bookstore.
0 Art Galleries.
0 Theaters.
0 Libraries.
Moment of Silence
Walking home at 4 am the other day, I found 2 seconds of complete silence in Beirut. 2 seconds during which I could hear myself breathe, 2 seconds in which I could hear my footsteps.
It's eerie to be in the middle of all these buildings, lights, and people, and not hear a voice. The silence was beautiful, but I was too freaked out to enjoy it.
This surreal moment was abruptly interrupted by the very real and loud sounds of cats fucking, and Beirut was Beirut again.
It's eerie to be in the middle of all these buildings, lights, and people, and not hear a voice. The silence was beautiful, but I was too freaked out to enjoy it.
This surreal moment was abruptly interrupted by the very real and loud sounds of cats fucking, and Beirut was Beirut again.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Freedom of Blog
I thought that by having my own personal blog, I was free to write anything I want to. That was the case for a month maybe, then I was forced to write a thing or two, no biggie. Now I got "tagged" with a worst habits post. I don't want to piss off the blog gods so I will comply, but I don't like where this is heading (عندي هواجس) . Soon the state police will force me to praise the government, or some corporation will buy my words (I am open to this idea by the way, I'll even call the Big Mac a culinary delight for the right price.)
So Worst Habits huh? I guess some self criticism is healthy.
1. I have no sense of money. I am not a material girl in a material world. It makes thing really inconvenient for me, since not many people are willing to accept barter deals. Then again maybe my nudes don't hold much bartering value.
2. I can not hold a job. My attention span is 3.5 seconds, so there is no way I can sit 40+ hours a week doing something, unless it's eating but that's #3. The worst part of it is that I tried hard to get fired at my last job, and I failed. I sat there for 3 months without doing a thing of value to the company other than my pleasant presence and that was enough for them to pay me.
3. I eat until there is no more food. Of course I leave nothing in my plate so the kids in Ethiopia don't starve. That's normal, even humanitarian. My vice , however, is that I don't stop when I'm full or the plate is empty, if there is something slightly edible within reach I will devour it even if I'm painfully stuffed. Doesn't matter what time of day or night it is, and it is not a once a month PMS deal. Which takes me to #4.
4. The ever Elusive Monday. I will start a regular workout routine on Monday. Diet on Monday. Monday I will shower.
5. I can't waste time on things that I know how they are gonna end up. Knowledge is satisfying enough for me. How do I know? It's a gift, I get visions, I know everything in advance. Everything.
I guess I have to tag someone now.
Boutros Boutros Ghali.
So Worst Habits huh? I guess some self criticism is healthy.
1. I have no sense of money. I am not a material girl in a material world. It makes thing really inconvenient for me, since not many people are willing to accept barter deals. Then again maybe my nudes don't hold much bartering value.
2. I can not hold a job. My attention span is 3.5 seconds, so there is no way I can sit 40+ hours a week doing something, unless it's eating but that's #3. The worst part of it is that I tried hard to get fired at my last job, and I failed. I sat there for 3 months without doing a thing of value to the company other than my pleasant presence and that was enough for them to pay me.
3. I eat until there is no more food. Of course I leave nothing in my plate so the kids in Ethiopia don't starve. That's normal, even humanitarian. My vice , however, is that I don't stop when I'm full or the plate is empty, if there is something slightly edible within reach I will devour it even if I'm painfully stuffed. Doesn't matter what time of day or night it is, and it is not a once a month PMS deal. Which takes me to #4.
4. The ever Elusive Monday. I will start a regular workout routine on Monday. Diet on Monday. Monday I will shower.
5. I can't waste time on things that I know how they are gonna end up. Knowledge is satisfying enough for me. How do I know? It's a gift, I get visions, I know everything in advance. Everything.
I guess I have to tag someone now.
Boutros Boutros Ghali.
Women will rule the world soon
There's a revolution brewing. It's worldwide. Most men don't realize it since it's happening beyond their radar scope. Even though it's in their face, all the time. All women are in on it. It's the one thing women of Colombia have in common with women in Saudi Arabia. India, China, Mozambique; they are all ready for the day, waiting for the signal.
Who has united all the women of the world?
Who is the most powerful human alive today?
Whose word is never questioned?
Whose opinions shatter borders, overcome language barriers, unite colors, and transcend religion?
Who's God?
...
...
...
Oprah.
Who has united all the women of the world?
Who is the most powerful human alive today?
Whose word is never questioned?
Whose opinions shatter borders, overcome language barriers, unite colors, and transcend religion?
Who's God?
...
...
...
Oprah.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Scary Crowd
I caught a glimpse of today's protests against U.S. Interference in Lebanese affairs. That scene was scary.
Not because thousands, maybe tens of thousands i didn't really count, of youth were telling the World's biggest power, who isn't hesitant to show its power, to fuck off. Rather because these were college students and only a fraction of the total college student population of Lebanon.
Last time I checked the papers for jobs i saw probably 1 or 2 jobs listed for recent college grads.
So that gives us a job seekers to jobs available ratio of tens of thousands to one.
Scary!
Not because thousands, maybe tens of thousands i didn't really count, of youth were telling the World's biggest power, who isn't hesitant to show its power, to fuck off. Rather because these were college students and only a fraction of the total college student population of Lebanon.
Last time I checked the papers for jobs i saw probably 1 or 2 jobs listed for recent college grads.
So that gives us a job seekers to jobs available ratio of tens of thousands to one.
Scary!
Monday, January 16, 2006
From Lebanon IIII
Cup of Coffee
A cup of coffee in Lebanon is not literally a cup of coffee. A cup of coffee is the unescapable, unbeatable, signature pin move of invitations; except it is not exclusive to steroidal freaks as sweet old grandmas can apply it with equal effectiveness.
But I have a meeting. Oh come on it's just a cup of coffee.
I don't drink Coffee. We'll make it tea then.
Just had tea. Then have a Baklawa.
On a diet. Have a cigarrette.
Hate cancer. Just have a glass of water, no one can refuse water.
Do not resist, it's futile. You might slip out of any other unwanted invite, but not the cup of coffee.
Just accept it and try to enjoy the 30 minutes (if you are lucky to get out in 30) of Lebanese hospitality.
P.S. Don't think that if you just went through a cup of coffee you are immune, as they tend to come in bunches.
A cup of coffee in Lebanon is not literally a cup of coffee. A cup of coffee is the unescapable, unbeatable, signature pin move of invitations; except it is not exclusive to steroidal freaks as sweet old grandmas can apply it with equal effectiveness.
But I have a meeting. Oh come on it's just a cup of coffee.
I don't drink Coffee. We'll make it tea then.
Just had tea. Then have a Baklawa.
On a diet. Have a cigarrette.
Hate cancer. Just have a glass of water, no one can refuse water.
Do not resist, it's futile. You might slip out of any other unwanted invite, but not the cup of coffee.
Just accept it and try to enjoy the 30 minutes (if you are lucky to get out in 30) of Lebanese hospitality.
P.S. Don't think that if you just went through a cup of coffee you are immune, as they tend to come in bunches.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Cuban Butts
I was watching Israeli TV this morning. Sorry, I meant Zionist Terrorist Evil Enemy TV. They had this cheesy variety show much like most the shows on Lebanese TV(speaking of, I think I will write something soon about the concept of TV talent and how it hasn't made it to this region) . For some reason the host was dressed like McBurglar, but that is not the point. They had a dance group performing to the tune of "Dime Si Son Latinos". The scene reminded me of the time I went to a Ruben Blades concert in Brussells and witnessed the Belgians attempt to Salsa. It was like watching a cripple fight; funny as hell but sad.
Europeans, Asians, North Americans, basically all White people have to realize that they need to stick to head bobbing. Anatomically, they were not built to shake their butts. It took centuries of evolution for the Cuban Butt to come along, so white man's tries to cheat science are arrogant and silly. But they are funny to watch, so play that funky music white boy.
Europeans, Asians, North Americans, basically all White people have to realize that they need to stick to head bobbing. Anatomically, they were not built to shake their butts. It took centuries of evolution for the Cuban Butt to come along, so white man's tries to cheat science are arrogant and silly. But they are funny to watch, so play that funky music white boy.
Wishlist
I want Freedom
I want Sovereignty
I want Independence.
I want Jobs.
I want Security.
I want a good Steak.
I want transparency.
I want democracy.
I want One Strong Army.
I want no mini lawless states in the country.
I want no racism.
I want no sexism.
I want no corruption.
I want Olympic Gold.
I want a fair electoral system.
I want equality.
I want clean air.
I want schools.
I want justice.
I want health care.
I want social security.
I want civil marriage.
I want to party.
I want safe roads.
I want greenery.
I want workers' rights.
I want cheap gas.
I want to sing.
I want an ice cold beer.
Most importantly, I want it all for free because I love my country and I wave a flag.
I want Sovereignty
I want Independence.
I want Jobs.
I want Security.
I want a good Steak.
I want transparency.
I want democracy.
I want One Strong Army.
I want no mini lawless states in the country.
I want no racism.
I want no sexism.
I want no corruption.
I want Olympic Gold.
I want a fair electoral system.
I want equality.
I want clean air.
I want schools.
I want justice.
I want health care.
I want social security.
I want civil marriage.
I want to party.
I want safe roads.
I want greenery.
I want workers' rights.
I want cheap gas.
I want to sing.
I want an ice cold beer.
Most importantly, I want it all for free because I love my country and I wave a flag.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Turkey's Turkeys are Sick
Bird Flu is only a couple of hundred kilometers away as the crow flies, and drops.
How prepared is our government to face this epidemic?
Try asking this to the minister of public health, and he'll flip you the bird.
But what do you expect, you can't make chicken salad with chicken shit.
Let's just thank Geography we are close to Europe.
The EU has declared war on the pesky flying animals whose favorite passtime is to crap all over newly washed cars. That should involve some steps that would save our tails. At least I hope that is the case. Otherwise.... Duck!
How prepared is our government to face this epidemic?
Try asking this to the minister of public health, and he'll flip you the bird.
But what do you expect, you can't make chicken salad with chicken shit.
Let's just thank Geography we are close to Europe.
The EU has declared war on the pesky flying animals whose favorite passtime is to crap all over newly washed cars. That should involve some steps that would save our tails. At least I hope that is the case. Otherwise.... Duck!
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Blog Blog Blog
Note: I have a gun to my head as I write this.
I went to a Lebanese bloggers meeting yesterday. Not knowing what to expect, I had come up with a beautifully clever excuse to escape early. Fortunately I didn't have to use it. Unfortunately I did not get to show it off, but I'm sure there will be another occasion for that.
With a long table setup the meeting broke up into mini meetings, but I was strategically located in the middle so I could eavesdrop on all talks. Here's what I learned. Roughly half the bloggers blog because they are forced to by a mysterious someone (The same someone that has the gun to my head). There are no stories to tell about Vietnam, at least not for free. Twins aren't necessarily related. AUB is a popular choice for higher education. The waiter only comes once. People would rather watch a monkey for 3 hours than a local flick. One person at the table had more traffic on his blog than the rest of the table combined. Times 20. 3 to 1 male to female ratio offically qualifies the event as a sausage fest.
I think I forgot to thank the organizers of the meeting, oh well, next time.
I went to a Lebanese bloggers meeting yesterday. Not knowing what to expect, I had come up with a beautifully clever excuse to escape early. Fortunately I didn't have to use it. Unfortunately I did not get to show it off, but I'm sure there will be another occasion for that.
With a long table setup the meeting broke up into mini meetings, but I was strategically located in the middle so I could eavesdrop on all talks. Here's what I learned. Roughly half the bloggers blog because they are forced to by a mysterious someone (The same someone that has the gun to my head). There are no stories to tell about Vietnam, at least not for free. Twins aren't necessarily related. AUB is a popular choice for higher education. The waiter only comes once. People would rather watch a monkey for 3 hours than a local flick. One person at the table had more traffic on his blog than the rest of the table combined. Times 20. 3 to 1 male to female ratio offically qualifies the event as a sausage fest.
I think I forgot to thank the organizers of the meeting, oh well, next time.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
A Tribute to A Man of Peace
With everyone praising this great man of our time
in his final hours, I decided to hold hands with Condoleezza Rice, Jack Straw, and King Abdullah of Jordan, and sing "Kumbaya Sharon Kumbaya."
Prime Minister Sharon is showing strong, visionary leadership by difficult steps to improve the lives of people across the Middle East. I’m grateful to the prime minister for his friendship.- George W. Bush
Cool!! 2 more 9-11's and I'll be a Man of Peace too. - Osama Bin Laden
Prime Minister Sharon is a man of courage and peace. - George W. Bush
The prime minister had surprised everybody by the courage and statesmanship he's shown in recent years to work towards a long term peace settlement between Israel and the Palestinians.- Jack Straw
A wonderful, historic leader.- Condoleeza Rice
Donald Rumsfeld threatened to pull Nato's headquarters out of Brussels unless Belgium revoked a legislation giving its courts the power to prosecute foreigners for alleged war crimes committed anywhere in the world.
"He voted against the peace treaty with Egypt in 1979. He voted against a withdrawal from southern Lebanon in 1985. He opposed Israel's participation in the Madrid peace conference in 1991. He opposed the Knesset plenum vote on the Oslo agreement in 1993. He abstained on a vote for peace with Jordan in 1994. He voted against the Hebron agreement in 1997. He condemned the manner of Israel's retreat from Lebanon in 2000. By 2002, he had built 34 new Jewish colonies on Palestinian land.
And he was a man of peace."-Robert Fisk's Eulogy
Thursday, January 05, 2006
From Lebanon III
The Misscall
It took me a while to get used to this one. I was so naive that when the phone rang my reaction was to pick it up. Don't do that. Not in Lebanon, that is unless you enjoy screaming "Hello!" into a dead phone. I was baffled, why do people call if they don't want to talk. I was convinced that the sole purpose of the call was to make you look silly. Then I got my first cellphone bill.
Lebanese Cell phone minutes(NYSE) value is comparable to platinum. My cab driver today had 7 kids and only 5 minutes on his phone, you do the math. The invention of the Misscall was an essential survival mechanism for the Lebanese. Fire, the wheel, and the misscall. The Lebanese also mastered the use of these three discoveries simultaneously (see the daily police blotter for more info on that) .
But what good can a simple misscall do you? Full conversations if you learn your Morse Code. The most common one is the simple call me back misscall. You can always use consecutive misscalls or combinations of one and two ring misscalls or other variations to say whatever you want.
The misscall. Another clever creation from the ever so creative (or cheap) Lebanese.
Extra Credit: If a picture is worth a thousand words, how many misscalls is that?
It took me a while to get used to this one. I was so naive that when the phone rang my reaction was to pick it up. Don't do that. Not in Lebanon, that is unless you enjoy screaming "Hello!" into a dead phone. I was baffled, why do people call if they don't want to talk. I was convinced that the sole purpose of the call was to make you look silly. Then I got my first cellphone bill.
Lebanese Cell phone minutes(NYSE) value is comparable to platinum. My cab driver today had 7 kids and only 5 minutes on his phone, you do the math. The invention of the Misscall was an essential survival mechanism for the Lebanese. Fire, the wheel, and the misscall. The Lebanese also mastered the use of these three discoveries simultaneously (see the daily police blotter for more info on that) .
But what good can a simple misscall do you? Full conversations if you learn your Morse Code. The most common one is the simple call me back misscall. You can always use consecutive misscalls or combinations of one and two ring misscalls or other variations to say whatever you want.
The misscall. Another clever creation from the ever so creative (or cheap) Lebanese.
Extra Credit: If a picture is worth a thousand words, how many misscalls is that?
Monday, December 26, 2005
The Gandis 2005
Every 365th day we must evaluate everything. It's the law. We must evaluate our life, our weight, our wallets, feel depressed about our lack of accomplishments, then feel better by emptying our wallets on our weight and cutting our life short in the process.
We also must give away awards. So here are the Propagandis or P Gandis for 2005 AD (around 1400 AH).
Best Falafel: Falafels of Zion (Sahyoun)- where Bechara El Khoury Avenue meets Damascus road parallel to Monot Street, on your left, Beirut
This 1x1 meter joint specializes in falafel, nothing else, no customer service, no smiles, hygiene is questionable, but the falafels are the best.
Best name for the area where the Martyrs statue is: Bourj Square.
Talk about an identity crisis. Martyr Square, Freedom Square, Independence Square, Sovereignty Square, Hariri Square, Tent camp, Cock (Deek) Square. Well I decided to go with what I think is its original name.
Best Sandwich: Massad's Taouk- now this is tricky. It's up(straight up) the tightest (fits a Peugeot 207 but not a 307) steepest (90 degrees) alley (foot trail) in Zahle (the bride of the Bekaa).
Worth the trip and the wait because you will have to wait once you get there. Even though you'll spend some money on the gas and the new paint job for your car, it's still cheaper than a meal in Beirut.
Warning: Don't speak English or French or Beiruti with the waiter, he might beat you up.
Best Censorship Job: Crazy Frog's Penis. How was this little amphibian screwed out of a grammy?
Best Place of Residence during Election season: Tripoli. So what if you don't have a proper sanitation system, schools, or hospitals. Come election season your vote is worth all the misery you have to endure for 4 years, that's about $200.
Best Kababs: Abou Ahmad- Corniche Al Mazraa. Abou Ahmad has been feeding Beirut for decades. How does he have the stamina to do it? He keeps a strict diet of Turkish Coffee and Marlboros. Warning: no matter what you order there you will fart afterwards, just make sure you don't accidentally shart.
Best Protest: The parents of the missing in Syrian jails - Gibran Park. March 8th + March 14th + Feb 21st + May 7th don't stand a chance when facing a handful of weeping mothers. Too bad it's just not good enough for TV.
Best Starbucks: Bhamdoun. I have to accept the fact that Starbucks will eventually open a branch inside each room of my house, but with the Bhamdoun Branch closing 9 months each year at least I have a glimmer of hope that won't happen.
Best Assassination: OK, I'm not THAT cruel. Here's to a bomb-free 2006.
We also must give away awards. So here are the Propagandis or P Gandis for 2005 AD (around 1400 AH).
Best Falafel: Falafels of Zion (Sahyoun)- where Bechara El Khoury Avenue meets Damascus road parallel to Monot Street, on your left, Beirut
This 1x1 meter joint specializes in falafel, nothing else, no customer service, no smiles, hygiene is questionable, but the falafels are the best.
Best name for the area where the Martyrs statue is: Bourj Square.
Talk about an identity crisis. Martyr Square, Freedom Square, Independence Square, Sovereignty Square, Hariri Square, Tent camp, Cock (Deek) Square. Well I decided to go with what I think is its original name.
Best Sandwich: Massad's Taouk- now this is tricky. It's up(straight up) the tightest (fits a Peugeot 207 but not a 307) steepest (90 degrees) alley (foot trail) in Zahle (the bride of the Bekaa).
Worth the trip and the wait because you will have to wait once you get there. Even though you'll spend some money on the gas and the new paint job for your car, it's still cheaper than a meal in Beirut.
Warning: Don't speak English or French or Beiruti with the waiter, he might beat you up.
Best Censorship Job: Crazy Frog's Penis. How was this little amphibian screwed out of a grammy?
Best Place of Residence during Election season: Tripoli. So what if you don't have a proper sanitation system, schools, or hospitals. Come election season your vote is worth all the misery you have to endure for 4 years, that's about $200.
Best Kababs: Abou Ahmad- Corniche Al Mazraa. Abou Ahmad has been feeding Beirut for decades. How does he have the stamina to do it? He keeps a strict diet of Turkish Coffee and Marlboros. Warning: no matter what you order there you will fart afterwards, just make sure you don't accidentally shart.
Best Protest: The parents of the missing in Syrian jails - Gibran Park. March 8th + March 14th + Feb 21st + May 7th don't stand a chance when facing a handful of weeping mothers. Too bad it's just not good enough for TV.
Best Starbucks: Bhamdoun. I have to accept the fact that Starbucks will eventually open a branch inside each room of my house, but with the Bhamdoun Branch closing 9 months each year at least I have a glimmer of hope that won't happen.
Best Assassination: OK, I'm not THAT cruel. Here's to a bomb-free 2006.
Friday, December 23, 2005
I don't watch much TV but...
.... I love Tele Liban. As a kid I was a big fan of Quantum Leap. Jumping back in time to right what once went wrong. Well Tele Liban is as close as we ever gonna get to time travel. While most of the world is riding the High Definition TV wave, Tele Liban is still proudly touting its technicolor capabilities. Every show they have on looks the same whether it's a seventies rerun or a live broadcast. Same image quality, same set decor, same clothes, same hairdos, and actually the same topics; so it's a challenge to guess the date of the show and I never shy away from a challenging puzzle.
Tele Liban reminds me of the crush I had on that girl on Noah's Ark. Haifa Wehbe is Feryal Karim with today's technology. Tele Liban makes me jones for Atari. Walid Jumblatt is Kamal Jumblatt with a more distinguished hair style. Tele Liban proves that there was never any quality TV just less crap to click through. Sabah is Sabah, the bitch hasn't changed.
Now who is the other person that watches Tele Liban?
Tele Liban reminds me of the crush I had on that girl on Noah's Ark. Haifa Wehbe is Feryal Karim with today's technology. Tele Liban makes me jones for Atari. Walid Jumblatt is Kamal Jumblatt with a more distinguished hair style. Tele Liban proves that there was never any quality TV just less crap to click through. Sabah is Sabah, the bitch hasn't changed.
Now who is the other person that watches Tele Liban?
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Lebanon is ...
I keep hearing Lebanon is a "Consensual Democracy".
What the hell is a Consensual Democracy?
I tried to find a definition for this term online but to no avail. So I'll give it my own definition: a crock of shit.
We either all agree, or nothing gets done(Off course, by We and All I mean the sectarian Mafia bosses that speak for everyone).
"Consensual Democracy" is just a cover for the reality we have. The Lebanese Political structure is a cock fight dictatorship. While most dictatorships have one man that gets his way and DOES things his own way. In our special country the many dictators just peck at each other trying to reach the elusive consensus and in the process nothing gets done. Our current "Consensus" government has been in place for 6 months in the most crucial of times, and what have they consensually done? A Parking Lot in Solidere and a whole lot of procrastination.
Successive governments have had the same impeccable efficiency record, but that's the way We All like it in Lebanon (Again We and All mean just the cocks in the cockfight). That way you can always blame your ruling partners for your shortcomings and you can always count on rallying the people behind you along tribal sectarian lines. Blame, blame, blame, with no responsibility or accountability; a politician's utopia.
What democracy is that they speak of?
Lebanon is a Zaeemocracy.
What the hell is a Consensual Democracy?
I tried to find a definition for this term online but to no avail. So I'll give it my own definition: a crock of shit.
We either all agree, or nothing gets done(Off course, by We and All I mean the sectarian Mafia bosses that speak for everyone).
"Consensual Democracy" is just a cover for the reality we have. The Lebanese Political structure is a cock fight dictatorship. While most dictatorships have one man that gets his way and DOES things his own way. In our special country the many dictators just peck at each other trying to reach the elusive consensus and in the process nothing gets done. Our current "Consensus" government has been in place for 6 months in the most crucial of times, and what have they consensually done? A Parking Lot in Solidere and a whole lot of procrastination.
Successive governments have had the same impeccable efficiency record, but that's the way We All like it in Lebanon (Again We and All mean just the cocks in the cockfight). That way you can always blame your ruling partners for your shortcomings and you can always count on rallying the people behind you along tribal sectarian lines. Blame, blame, blame, with no responsibility or accountability; a politician's utopia.
What democracy is that they speak of?
Lebanon is a Zaeemocracy.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Hi5 Challenges
- Try to locate a Bhutanese that is connected to a Mozambiquan (within 3 friends or less)
- Find 10 people that DO NOT list "The Da Vinci Code" as one of their favorite books
- Find a Lebanese dude that does not have a picture of "his" car in his photo album
- Expose 3 chicks that try to pass pictures out of magazines as their own
- Prove this mathematical equation: # of Real Friends =Pi/# of Hi5 Friends
Evo Cocaina
The left tide continues to sweep through South America knocking out another ally of "USA! USA! USA!".
Is this an ideological failure for capitalism?
The way I see it, this is nothing more than blind reactionary pendular swing due to corruption. It will be met with an equal but opposite shift when the people are fed up with leftist abuse and corruption. It has nothing to do with Left or Right or Up or Down ideologies.
It is however a blow to the neocon imperial crusade. Long before George W. there was the Godfather Reagan. South America of the 80's is today's Middle East. War on Drugs, War on Terror. The goal is one, more power and control.
Reagan helped corrupt pro U.S. governments crush leftist rebel movements all across Latin America and it succeeded at the time. The tools they used were violence and propaganda, sounds familiar? Twenty years later we have Chavez controlling Venezuela's oil, and Evo cultivating Coca.
Iraq's Chavez and Lebanon's Evo will not wait 20 years to come out.
If only the U.S. applied its "American Values" in its foreign policy, the whole world would be Hollywoodified. Then again without Reagan and Bush foreign policy, Americans wouldn't be able to afford being the best.
Is this an ideological failure for capitalism?
The way I see it, this is nothing more than blind reactionary pendular swing due to corruption. It will be met with an equal but opposite shift when the people are fed up with leftist abuse and corruption. It has nothing to do with Left or Right or Up or Down ideologies.
It is however a blow to the neocon imperial crusade. Long before George W. there was the Godfather Reagan. South America of the 80's is today's Middle East. War on Drugs, War on Terror. The goal is one, more power and control.
Reagan helped corrupt pro U.S. governments crush leftist rebel movements all across Latin America and it succeeded at the time. The tools they used were violence and propaganda, sounds familiar? Twenty years later we have Chavez controlling Venezuela's oil, and Evo cultivating Coca.
Iraq's Chavez and Lebanon's Evo will not wait 20 years to come out.
If only the U.S. applied its "American Values" in its foreign policy, the whole world would be Hollywoodified. Then again without Reagan and Bush foreign policy, Americans wouldn't be able to afford being the best.
Friday, December 16, 2005
On the Rocks
The marriage between F.M. and H.A., both macho males, is on the rocks. Well the marriage was always on the rocks since it was not out of true love but rather an outdated arranged wedding. The only thing worse than an arranged marriage is an arranged gay marriage. Things between the two got so bad yesterday that H.A. left the house. F.M. felt the void, he missed H.A.. They had become attached to each other. Also F.M. started wondering if he could raise their adoptive kids as a single parent. The kids are a handful since one of them is autistic and the other is bipolar and they used to fight a lot. Could H.A. be out flirting again with their hot flamboyant neighbor, F.P.M.? What if they get together? Not only will H.A. get half of what F.M. owns, but the new couple would be on the front pages of all tabloids pouring salt in the wound. It would be nightmarish, every night would be halloween. Something needed to be done. So F.M. pleaded for H.A. to come back home. He promised to take out the garbage and mow the lawn. F.M. promised to confront the peeping neighbors and to complain with the home owners association about the dog house the neighbors stole from their backyard. He even promised to call and ask about the In-Laws. How could H.A. not go back home?
Well, F.P.M. could be a better lay.
Well, F.P.M. could be a better lay.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Most Me
I am not an easily impressed person, maybe because I enjoy criticizing everything. It's a sickness, I am bored most of the time. I mean I'm not that interesting myself. I can't have a good time when most other people are having a hoot. My average job life is 10 weeks because nothing keeps my mind busy beyond that time. The only words that come out of my mouth that vaguely resemble a compliment are, "Hmm, It's OK."
Once in a while, almost as often as a Hale-Bopp appearance, something blows my mind away. For some reason the feeling I get when that happens is as if I was beat down. Defeated.
As I read the last line of Milan Kundera's Unbearable Lightness of Being, the only thing I could say was, "You son of a bitch." I hate superlatives, so I'm not going to throw them at this book, but I will throw some adjectives. Random, Crazy, Sick, Cynical, Hilarious, Czech. Ok I will use a superlative, it is not the best book, it is not the best written book, but it is the Most Me book. A book that forces a discussion of the philosophical relationship between God and Shit into the story line is Most Me. A writer that uses sets of parentheses within sets of parentheses to go on random tangent lunacies is a Most Me writer.
The last time I had this feeling was when I watched Charlie Kaufman's Adaptation.
That puts at 2 the number of people alive today I find impressive.
I'm still searching for that impressive politician.
Once in a while, almost as often as a Hale-Bopp appearance, something blows my mind away. For some reason the feeling I get when that happens is as if I was beat down. Defeated.
As I read the last line of Milan Kundera's Unbearable Lightness of Being, the only thing I could say was, "You son of a bitch." I hate superlatives, so I'm not going to throw them at this book, but I will throw some adjectives. Random, Crazy, Sick, Cynical, Hilarious, Czech. Ok I will use a superlative, it is not the best book, it is not the best written book, but it is the Most Me book. A book that forces a discussion of the philosophical relationship between God and Shit into the story line is Most Me. A writer that uses sets of parentheses within sets of parentheses to go on random tangent lunacies is a Most Me writer.
The last time I had this feeling was when I watched Charlie Kaufman's Adaptation.
That puts at 2 the number of people alive today I find impressive.
I'm still searching for that impressive politician.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Who's their Marketing Manager?
Roadsters Diner's marketing slogan is: There Goes My Heart.
Just the reminder I needed with each bite of my burger.
Just the reminder I needed with each bite of my burger.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Here We Go Again
Car Bomb in Baalbeck on Saturday, Blame Israel.
Assassination of Jibran Tuweini Today, Blame Syria.
The Poor, Innocent, Peace Loving Lebanese always stuck in the middle.
Assassination of Jibran Tuweini Today, Blame Syria.
The Poor, Innocent, Peace Loving Lebanese always stuck in the middle.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Play Review: "Enigma Variations"
Was Al Madina Theater on Friday night less than half full or more than half empty?
Frankly, I don't mind the scarce crowd. I don't like most people, but I would like for this resuscitated Beirut cultural icon to continue to operate and not go belly up in this shark tank.
Eric-Emmanuel Schmitt's single scene two man act is a captivating philosophical ninety-minute ping-pong match with a new bouncing ball added in periodically. One of the top contemporary playwrights in Paris, Schmitt is probably best known for "Monsieur Ibrahim".
Lebanonizing the wordy script was the star of the show. It's not an easy task to introduce words like "tayyoub" and "bahle" into an originally french script while keeping its flow and integrity.
Antoine Kerbaj was a perfect fit for the role of Znorko, the Nobel prize winner with a God complex. Alain Delon played that role in Paris, certainly you can see the physical resemblance between Kerbaj and Delon. Ziad Al Andari, as Eric Larsen the small time reporter, was trying too hard in his difficult role. He did a good job with the tough verbal exchanges, but when he had to be quiet and let his face and body do the acting, he was stiff. Overall the play was very enjoyable and it runs for 3 more weeks at Al Madina.
For some reason though I left the theater with the theme song of "Barbar Agha" stuck in my head.
Frankly, I don't mind the scarce crowd. I don't like most people, but I would like for this resuscitated Beirut cultural icon to continue to operate and not go belly up in this shark tank.
Eric-Emmanuel Schmitt's single scene two man act is a captivating philosophical ninety-minute ping-pong match with a new bouncing ball added in periodically. One of the top contemporary playwrights in Paris, Schmitt is probably best known for "Monsieur Ibrahim".
Lebanonizing the wordy script was the star of the show. It's not an easy task to introduce words like "tayyoub" and "bahle" into an originally french script while keeping its flow and integrity.
Antoine Kerbaj was a perfect fit for the role of Znorko, the Nobel prize winner with a God complex. Alain Delon played that role in Paris, certainly you can see the physical resemblance between Kerbaj and Delon. Ziad Al Andari, as Eric Larsen the small time reporter, was trying too hard in his difficult role. He did a good job with the tough verbal exchanges, but when he had to be quiet and let his face and body do the acting, he was stiff. Overall the play was very enjoyable and it runs for 3 more weeks at Al Madina.
For some reason though I left the theater with the theme song of "Barbar Agha" stuck in my head.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
The Other Hariri Assassination
Who killed Bahiya Hariri?
I demand to know the Truth. On March 14th, 2005, she addressed a crowd of over a million people with words of a leader. Her speech that day was an honest list of principles and promises to her country and her fallen brother. You could see the pain of loss in her eyes, but you also saw strength and determination. Her actions had been responsible and mature. So what happened to this lady? Why was she marginalized? Why was she sent to Saida to tend to petty small town affairs, when she showed she could step into her brothers giant global political shoes? Why did the Hariri camp decide to go to battle with political virgin Saad instead of his savvy, wise aunt? Instead of a well spoken inspiring presence, we got a nauseating script reader. Maybe that's what was wanted for Lebanon, a script reader. As if we didn't have enough of those. Who took that decision? Hard to believe that someone that was in the forefront, someone who with 2 words overthrew the Karami cabinet, just disappears from the scene so suddenly without a decision to do so from up above; but where is up above? Maybe it's somewhere where they can't see an independent woman become a major political voice in the region? Maybe they feared a Bahiya Hariri would threaten their systematic opression of women? Maybe if a woman could effectively lead an Arab country, they would have no more excuses for not letting women drive or, God forbid, vote and have a political say. That would be yet another burden facing their hegemony specially since they have their hands full already with the religious psychos.
I want the TRUTH.
I demand to know the Truth. On March 14th, 2005, she addressed a crowd of over a million people with words of a leader. Her speech that day was an honest list of principles and promises to her country and her fallen brother. You could see the pain of loss in her eyes, but you also saw strength and determination. Her actions had been responsible and mature. So what happened to this lady? Why was she marginalized? Why was she sent to Saida to tend to petty small town affairs, when she showed she could step into her brothers giant global political shoes? Why did the Hariri camp decide to go to battle with political virgin Saad instead of his savvy, wise aunt? Instead of a well spoken inspiring presence, we got a nauseating script reader. Maybe that's what was wanted for Lebanon, a script reader. As if we didn't have enough of those. Who took that decision? Hard to believe that someone that was in the forefront, someone who with 2 words overthrew the Karami cabinet, just disappears from the scene so suddenly without a decision to do so from up above; but where is up above? Maybe it's somewhere where they can't see an independent woman become a major political voice in the region? Maybe they feared a Bahiya Hariri would threaten their systematic opression of women? Maybe if a woman could effectively lead an Arab country, they would have no more excuses for not letting women drive or, God forbid, vote and have a political say. That would be yet another burden facing their hegemony specially since they have their hands full already with the religious psychos.
I want the TRUTH.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Random Pics
A Gemayze side street BEFORE rain season.
National Unity Graffiti (sort of)Also Seen: Randa = Midget Lesbian Psyho
The MOAM: Mohammad Amin Mosque or Mother Of All Mosques.
Capacity: 5,000 Expected Attendance: 27
Beirut, Sunset, Electric Pole, Wires, and Billboard
Monday, December 05, 2005
From Lebanon II
The Khazouk
I don't think I can craft an english phonetic spelling that would do the word justice.
(3 Syllables: Long Ha with a dry throat followed by Zoo followed by the sound combination of the letter K+a hiccup+choking on a chicken bone)
The Khazouk is one of the most powerful, versatile, graphic concepts in Lebanese folklore.
The word itself translates loosely to Butt-hole Ripper, but its significance reaches far beyond intestinal sado-masochistic pleasures.
Very few have actually experienced the Khazouk, but no one doubts its ability to inflict major anal damage.
The Khazouk is feared, revered, jeered, cheered; it depends on which side the Khazouk you are.
Just always remember the Khazouk you prepare today might end up up yours tomorrow.
I don't think I can craft an english phonetic spelling that would do the word justice.
(3 Syllables: Long Ha with a dry throat followed by Zoo followed by the sound combination of the letter K+a hiccup+choking on a chicken bone)
The Khazouk is one of the most powerful, versatile, graphic concepts in Lebanese folklore.
The word itself translates loosely to Butt-hole Ripper, but its significance reaches far beyond intestinal sado-masochistic pleasures.
Very few have actually experienced the Khazouk, but no one doubts its ability to inflict major anal damage.
The Khazouk is feared, revered, jeered, cheered; it depends on which side the Khazouk you are.
Just always remember the Khazouk you prepare today might end up up yours tomorrow.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Beirut by Bike...
Beirut by Bike is a new, wholly different, species of animal. There are many things that are impossible to see with the naked eye or with the most powerful microscope for that matter, you need the magnifying power of a balancing act on two wheels to see such things.
I bought a bike yesterday with the sole intention of taking care fo my body. Little did I know that right there I had shaved a few decades off my life expectancy, also the bike seat can't possible be good for the sperm count. Biking in Beirut has the feel of bungee jumping, without the bungee cord. You leave your house with two choices: do you want to ride on the road or the sidewalk? Half the people on the road don't know what a driver's license looks like, the other half acquired it by taking a bribing test. Throw in the crazy cabs and the delivery scooters phenomenon and that eliminates the road option. Sidewalk it is, people cussing you out won't kill you, uncovered manholes will. Suddenly disappearing sidewalks, trees, traffic signs, dog shit, and cars parked on the sidewalk make it a very challenging obstacle course.
I did reach the oceanfront "corniche". I wish I could document everything I saw there but writing while riding is just too much of an additional risk to take. It was a pleasant ride there, clean ocean breeze, relatively, wide flat area to ride in, ocean view, few obstacles except for the little brats running around. I rode back and forth between Manara and Ain Mreisseh for a few hours, well I wasn't keeping time but that's what it felt like. That small of strip of oceanfront is Lebanon's storefront. You can find a little sample of all that lies inside. The copycat entrepreneurial spirit is present in the Corn on the Cob Carts every ten meters, well those who dare to be different sell coffee and bottled water. There is "wazwaz" lovers lane. Plenty of joggers. Plenty of Social Joggers. Plenty of Flirtatious looks. Cliff Fishing. Cliff Diving. Japanese tourists clicking away. Rich kids with the latest rollerblades and skateboards trying to act tough. Couples with full patio furniture sets and the everpresent arguileh. Greenpiece activists. Women in mini skirts. Women in Ninja dress. The Polaroid photographer. Older men playing backgammon. Older men discussing I mean screaming out politics. The Cartoonist. Fortune Tellers. Jehova's Witnesses.
One thing you realize when you realize when your legs tire is that the oceanfront corniche is the lowest point in Beirut. Everything else is on mountain peaks. No matter where you live there is no way to get back home without a steep climb. A steep climb where you gasp for air and all you get is car exhaust. A nice welcome back home after my little escape at the corniche.
I bought a bike yesterday with the sole intention of taking care fo my body. Little did I know that right there I had shaved a few decades off my life expectancy, also the bike seat can't possible be good for the sperm count. Biking in Beirut has the feel of bungee jumping, without the bungee cord. You leave your house with two choices: do you want to ride on the road or the sidewalk? Half the people on the road don't know what a driver's license looks like, the other half acquired it by taking a bribing test. Throw in the crazy cabs and the delivery scooters phenomenon and that eliminates the road option. Sidewalk it is, people cussing you out won't kill you, uncovered manholes will. Suddenly disappearing sidewalks, trees, traffic signs, dog shit, and cars parked on the sidewalk make it a very challenging obstacle course.
I did reach the oceanfront "corniche". I wish I could document everything I saw there but writing while riding is just too much of an additional risk to take. It was a pleasant ride there, clean ocean breeze, relatively, wide flat area to ride in, ocean view, few obstacles except for the little brats running around. I rode back and forth between Manara and Ain Mreisseh for a few hours, well I wasn't keeping time but that's what it felt like. That small of strip of oceanfront is Lebanon's storefront. You can find a little sample of all that lies inside. The copycat entrepreneurial spirit is present in the Corn on the Cob Carts every ten meters, well those who dare to be different sell coffee and bottled water. There is "wazwaz" lovers lane. Plenty of joggers. Plenty of Social Joggers. Plenty of Flirtatious looks. Cliff Fishing. Cliff Diving. Japanese tourists clicking away. Rich kids with the latest rollerblades and skateboards trying to act tough. Couples with full patio furniture sets and the everpresent arguileh. Greenpiece activists. Women in mini skirts. Women in Ninja dress. The Polaroid photographer. Older men playing backgammon. Older men discussing I mean screaming out politics. The Cartoonist. Fortune Tellers. Jehova's Witnesses.
One thing you realize when you realize when your legs tire is that the oceanfront corniche is the lowest point in Beirut. Everything else is on mountain peaks. No matter where you live there is no way to get back home without a steep climb. A steep climb where you gasp for air and all you get is car exhaust. A nice welcome back home after my little escape at the corniche.
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